GHA Chapter 41
I had a sleepless night dealing with my own thoughts. I made myself believe that there was nothing to worry about, but I couldn't just brush it off, so I entertained all the possibilities and everything that might have happened afterward.
If he's really engaged... what about me, then? What will happen to me?
Maiiwang luhaan?
I stared blankly at the ceiling. I was getting emotional again until I heard a knock. Pinahid ko ang luha na hindi ko namalayang naglandas sa aking pisngi. Bumukas 'yung pinto at wala sa sariling nilingon ang dumungaw.
"G-Good morning ma'am, Jillian..." humina ang boses ni Yaya Rosalie at nag-alangan akong kausapin nang mapansin ang kalagayan ko. "Uh... Nariyan po ang mga kaibigan ninyo. Naghihintay sa ibaba."
Matamlay akong lumakad at hinarap ang mga kaibigan ko na nasa sala.
"Si Chen ba 'yan?" asked by Jerick, then awkwardly smiled at me. "No offend. Malayo kasi ang ayos mo kahapon sa ngayon. Are you... sick?"
"Anong sadya ninyo rito?" diretso kong tanong.
"You told us to drop by here. Nag-chat ka kagabi. Akala ko sasabay ka pumasok sa amin?" Kyela raised her brow.
"Hindi na pala ako papasok. I'm not in the mood."
"Ay sis! We are all not in the mood, but this is crucial. Finals na, and graduating student remember?" si Jerick.
"Jerica is right. 'Yung thesis pa natin kailangan na matapos. Then, next next week may orientation daw ata regarding sa internship," Kyela reminded.
Oh crap. Thinking about acads while having an emotional breakdown is a kind of ridiculous torture I am not mentally prepared for.
Sumama lalo ang loob ko.
"Do I have another choice?" I heaved a heavy sigh. "All right. Papasok na. Basta... itago ninyo ako kay Cyron," humina ang boses ko.
They exchanged glances silently.
"Uh... what's going on?" usisa ni Kyela na may bahid ng pag-aalala.
"Alam kong may ideya na kayo..." I faintly smiled. "Basta! That's the reason. Huwag na muna natin pag-usapan."
My friends were bothered and hesitant, yet they cooperated. Siniguro nilang hindi kami magtatagpo ng landas ni Cyron pagdating namin sa university. They were as if my lookout.
It was a relief that Cyron was out of sight for half of my class period. Subalit hindi rin ako mapakali dahil nagpaparamdam siya through text. He sent a morning greeting, like usual. Nasundan iyon ng pagtatanong kung nasaan raw ako.
I turned off my phone.
I was having a mental warfare again. I was freaking preoccupied with questions, what-ifs, and other concerns regarding Cyron's engagement.
Hindi ko pa 'yon mismo nakumpirma sa kaniya. Actually, I waited for him to call the whole night, or at least text me that he had something to discuss with me in person.
However, I received nothing.
Then, all of a sudden, I realized that I was not prepared to talk to him yet. Ayoko pala na kausapin niya ako tungkol sa bagay na 'yon. The reason? I honestly didn't know.
Sabay na umandar marahil ang pagiging overthinker at emosyonal ko.
I even decided to avoid him, to not cross our path for now, because... what if he really wanted to see me just to discuss his engagement? Baka pina-plano niya ng hiwalayan ako at naghahanap lamang ng tiyempo para sabihin 'yon.
Biglang bumigat ang paghinga ko.
"Chen? Kaya mo pa?" Kyela snapped. "You're spacing out. Kanina pa kita inaaya pumunta sa cafeteria. You badly need to eat."
"Okay... Let's hurry." Baka puntahan ako rito sa classroom ni Cyron at maabutan pa.
Sinundo namin si Jerick at kumain na kami sa pinaka dulong pwesto sa cafeteria. Nang matapos, umalis na rin kami agad at pabalik na sa academic building.
But to my surprise, I saw Cyron outside the building. He was standing between the entrance and exit. Palinga-linga siya, salit-salit ang tingin sa hawak na cell phone at sa paligid na tila may hinahagilap o inaabangan.
Maraming estudyante ang nadaan at nakatambay kaya hindi niya agad ako napansin sa ground. I was about to drag my friends somewhere before Cyron could catch a sight of me, but our line of vision suddenly crossed.
His sharp and serious eyes made me panicked.
"R-Restroom muna ako. Una na kayo..."
"Saan ka pupunta? Sa loob ang restroom—"
Hindi ko na pinansin ang tawag nila at nagmadali ng umalis. Lakad-takbo ang ginawa ko without even knowing where to go. Ramdam ko kasing nakasunod si Cyron at nang lumingon ako sa likuran, tama nga ako.
Natanaw ko siyang tumatakbo.
Tinatawag ako.
Nagawa kong makalayo at makarating sa field, though I started gasping for air.
Sana bumalik na siya sa klase niya—
"Jillian!"
I stood frozen when I heard his voice. I turned my head, only to be surprised that he was already behind me.
He fixed his bag, while locking his eyes at me and breathing heavily.
"J-Jillian... may problema ba?" maingat niyang tanong.
Inirapan ko siya at hindi kinibo.
"I waited for you. I was worried because you were not picking up your phone." He swallowed hard. "Jillian... hindi mo ba ako kakausapin?"
"Hindi. Doon ka na. Magsama kayong dalawa!"
Kunot-noo niya akong tinignan na tila walang ideya sa pag-aalburoto ko.
"What is this all about Jillian?"
"Your fucking engagement! Duda akong wala kang alam doon! I saw a picture taken and posted by your soon-to-be fiancée!"
Magkahalong sakit at galit ang naramdaman ko nang masabi ko 'yon. It was the same feeling I had yesterday after I discovered that devastating news.
Nakita ko ang larawan sa instagram story ni Amira Valtiendaz. I know it was taken some other day, but she just posted it yesterday. Nasa isang dining area 'yung place at hagip doon si Cyron, ngunit sinadyang i-blur nang kaunti.
Of course, I could notice my boyfriend. Halos memorized ko na ang facial feature at body frame niyan kaya hindi ako magkakamali na siya nga iyon.
Bukod doon, may mas ikinagulat pa ako nang makita 'yung caption sa larawan.
'Engagement party soon'
Then I realized that my friends were right. May pinapahiwatig nga si Amira Valtiendaz sa mga pictures niya. Matagal na siguro nilang planado iyon at na-finalize nakaraan lamang.
Cyron never informed me about seeing Amira Valtiendaz for a dinner, more so about their engagement.
I felt betrayed...
He tried to come closer and hold my arms, but I stepped back. "Don't tell me it is just a misunderstanding! Tama ang nalaman ko, 'di ba? May engagement party na ring gaganapin—"
"That's not valid and official!" Cyron cut me off; he seemed frustrated. "It was my father who agreed and made an agreement with Amira's father. Hindi ako, Jillian."
"Kahit na! Matutuloy pa rin 'yan, 'di ba?"
"How come when I didn't agree about it? I did not even propose to her," he pointed out then licked his lower lips. "Jillian... please let me explain first."
Inabot niya ang braso ko at hinuli ang aking tingin.
"Hindi ka makikipaghiwalay?"
His lips slightly parted. "What made you think of that?" gulat at may pangamba niyang tanong.
"Just answer it!"
"Of course, I won't. Malabong magawa ko 'yan sa'yo..." Masuyo niya akong tinitigan. Next thing I knew, yakap-yakap niya na ako.
Just by that, I was tamed.
"My apology for not telling you about it right away," he said after hugging me. "Gusto ko sanang solusyunan muna 'yung problema bago sabihin sa'yo para wala ka nang aalalahanin pa. But I made it worse."
I apologized, too. I let my emotions rule over me.
"Bakit mo pala ako tinatakbuhan?" bigla niyang tanong.
"Wala lang. Maranasan ko man lang na ikaw 'yung maghabol," I joked just to lighten up the mood.
"Anyway, you owe me an explanation, Cyron."
Inaya niya ako sa pavilion at doon kami naupo. Hinayaan ko siyang ipaliwanag ang buong detalye.
"Akala ko isang simpleng dinner lang 'yon kasama ng ibang tauhan sa munisipyo gaya nang dati dahil si Mayor Valtiendaz mismo ang nag-imbita. But it was only his family."
"Your father?" I asked.
"Wala. I tried to contact him, but still out of reach." His expression darkened. "Sa kalagitnaan ng pagkain namin, biglang nasabi ni Mayor Valtiendaz ang plano nilang dalawa na ipakasal kami ni Amira. They set it up after my graduation..."
Bumaba ang tingin ko at hindi nakaimik.
Ang sakit pakinggan na plano siyang ipakasal sa iba.
Cyron noticed my sudden silence. He gently held my hand before he continued.
"I dismissed the topic. I told them that I wanted to talk to my father first. Silang lahat payag na sa engagement. Tanging ako na lang ang hindi at walang kamalay-malay na may usapan na pala sila na gano'n."
It is always the family's patriarch. Tss. Mga pala-desisyon kahit sa pag-aasawa ng mga anak.
"Kahit anong mangyari Cyron... huwag ka sanang papayag. Unless, gusto mo..." mahina kong sambit at naglakas loob nang titigan siya.
"I won't, unless it's you," he firmly said. "About my engagement with Amira... I'll do my best to get it completely canceled."
True to his words, from that day on, he made a way to cancel the engagement and fix the issue since there was already gossip circulating on social media and even around our university. Some students were talking about the engagement and rumored fiancé of Mayor Valtiendaz's daughter.
Mas nilawakan ko na lamang ang pag-unawa ko sa sitwasyon. I just did my usual activities. Inasikaso ko muna 'yung acads at pinagtuunan ng pansin 'yung part time job ko. Sa sumunod na linggo, nagkita kami ni Cyron sa bahay nila after niyang umuwi galing Manila.
He really went just to talk to his father personally. Knowing his resentment towards his father, sobrang hirap kay Cyron na kausapin pa 'to ngunit sinusubukan niya talaga.
"I wasn't able to meet him. Nasa bakasyon daw sabi ng bantay doon sa bahay." He heaved a tired sigh. "He seemed to be doing it purposely. Ayaw niyang kausapin ko siya dahil alam niyang tututol ako. He would probably face me after the official announcement of the engagement."
"But I won't stop until I convince him," he said right away to reassure me.
"I believe you..." I smiled at him.
"Ito ata ang bayad sa utang na loob na mayroon ako sa kaniya," he said in a voice full of contempt. "Kaya ayoko ng may utang na loob sa isang tao, ginagamit nila 'yon para mapasunod ka."
I watched him as he shortly closed his eyes while clenching his hands. He was fuming mad, but his exhaustion was more prominent. Halatang wala na siyang maayos na tulog.
"Until you are left with no choice..." tila bulong ko sa hangin at saka sumandal sa poste rito sa veranda.
I got his attention. Nang bumaling siya sa akin gamit ang namumungay niyang mga mata, mas lalong nadepina ang pagod sa kanyang itsura.
Even I was tired and deeply hurt, too, I tried to plaster a comforting smile on my face.
"Paano pala niyan... mabait, caring at ma-effort ka sa akin. Ang dami mong nagawa for me. May utang na loob na ako sa'yo," paglalayo ko ng topic upang mawala kahit papaano 'yung bigat ng pag-uusap namin.
"That's bare minimum," he huskily replied.
Napanguso ako at napatango na lamang. Kahit sa anong pagkakataon talaga, napapabilib niya ako.
"Huwag ka talaga papaagaw sa ibang babae, ah! Hindi lang ako ang masasaktan at manghihinayang, pati ikaw."
He softly chuckled and nodded. "That's for sure." Bigla rin siyang nagseryoso. "Don't worry about Amira. She can't have what yours."
Iyon din ang sinisiguro ko. Hindi ako papayag na makuha niya sa akin si Cyron at siya ang tuluyang manalo.
The next day, umuwi agad ako after class. Nagkaroon din ako ng day off kaya pinili kong magpahinga na lang sa kwarto ko. Mabuti tahimik dito, unlike sa school. Naririndi at naaapektuhan ako sa mga naririnig ko sa ilang mga estudyante.
Usap-usapan na hindi raw ako mahal ni Cyron. It is Amira all along. Batid nilang mas matagal na silang magkakilala at nagkakamabutihan kaya may basehan ang mga hinuha nila.
Never pa akong nasaktan sa mga tsismis na naririnig ko patungkol sa akin, only this time.
Naalimpungatan ako sa tunog ng aking cell phone. Hindi ko namalayan na nakatulog na pala ako. I was crying in silence until I fell asleep. Alas nwebe na ng gabi ngayon kaya kahit wala pa sa wisyo ay napabangon na agad ako at tinignan ang aking cell phone.
34 missed calls. 15 new messages.
Namilog ang mga mata ko sa gulat. Hindi ko inaasahan na gan'to ang bubungad sa akin at lahat ng 'yon ay galing kay Cyron!
I opened his messages.
Cyron:
I was able to talk to my father over the phone. We just had an argument.
He insisted. He was already considering the effort of the other side. Sila na raw ang umaasikaso ng lahat kaya hayaan na raw.
I firmly stood by my decision. I vowed to refuse his plan. Don't worry too much.
Cyron was updating me, like he promised to do dahil ayaw niya raw mag-overthink ako. Subalit hindi ko mapigilan ngayon dahil kanina pang alas tres 'yung mga messages na 'yon at nasundan pa.
Cyron:
Nasaan ka? You are neither replying nor answering my calls.
I'm afraid you are starting to ignore me...
Jillian?
For some reason, I felt guilty. Natulugan ko siya. Mas lalo pa akong nakonsensya sa huling text niya.
Cyron:
Labas ka.
I am waiting outside your house...
Nataranta ako at mabilis na sumilip sa bintana. Madilim na ang kalangitan ngunit may ilaw naman sa mga poste. Wala akong natanaw na kahit anino sa labas ng gate.
It was sent 7 pm pa. Siguro umuwi na rin 'yon.
I really hope so...
I walked back and forth in my room until I decided to go outside and check if I was right. Hindi ako mapakali kaya sisilipin ko na sandali.
I found no one in front of the gate. Ngunit nang iliko ko ang aking tingin sa hindi kalayuan, I saw a figure of a man leaning against the wall.
He was standing there; his hands were inside his jacket, his head slightly bended and covered by his black hoodie.
"C-Cyron..." pag-aalalang tawag ko.
It seemed like his eyes were closed. Dahan-dahan akong lumapit at napansin ko ang unti-unti niyang paggalaw.
Tinapunan niya ako ng tingin. He glanced at me with his bloodshot eyes. Those eyes were piercing and menacing at first, but when he recognized me, it suddenly softened and became woeful.
"I-I'm sorry. Nakatulog ako Cyron. Late ko na nabasa—"
Natulala ako nang ikulong niya ako sa kaniyang bisig. I was stunned, but his warm embrace melted me to return the affection.
"It's driving me crazy to think that you are leaving me. Na bigla kang s-sumuko..." namamaos niyang sambit.
I gently rubbed his back. "Hindi ko gagawin 'yon. I vowed and sealed to fulfill that promise, remember?"
Kinalas ko ang pagyakap niya at bahagyang inangat ang kaniyang mukha to have a clearer view of his expression.
Mas nanlambot ang puso ko sa nakita. There seemed to be tears glistening in his eyes, like he was about to break down. Mapupungay ang kaniyang mga mata at mamula-mula ang kabuuan ng mukha.
"Are you drunk?" I asked, trying to fix his gaze directly at me. "Sandali... lasing ka nga! Ibig sabihin, lasing kang pumunta rito? Kung hindi ako lumabas, papaabutin mo pa talaga ng hatinggabi bago ka uuwi, ha? Are you even concern about yourself? Or at least, your safety?"
Isang malalim na buntong hininga ang pinakawalan ko.
"Paano kung may nangyaring masama sa'yo sa daan? Naisip mo ba 'yon, ha? My goodness! You're making me insanely worried, Cyron!" histerya ko sa labis na pag-aalala sa kaniya.
He only blinked his eyes as his response.
Nanatili akong nakatingala habang nakikipagtitigan sa kaniya. If only I could read his mind, I probably could understand him deeper.
"Mahal kita. Mahal na mahal..." he suddenly uttered.
He was really unpredictable.
Napangiti ako ngunit ginapangan din ako ng kaba. I didn't know why I instantly felt the weight of those words.
I just brushed it off, and sighed. "I know Cyron. I know. Mahal din kita. We can get through this."
He slightly nodded, then he wrapped his hands back on me again. The way he hugged me, I knew he was too tired and needed someone to lean on.
"I'm afraid of losing you, Jillian..."
I've seen his vulnerable side before, but this one is quite different. Mas matindi ang ngayon, though he didn't care at all if he explicitly expressed it.
So this is how it feels like when someone has become your strength and weakness...
How could I leave him when he already found solace in me?
Cyron is both my strength and weakness, too. If fate pulled us apart, I don't know anymore.
I might hold onto him until the very end, or... just endlessly cry until I could accept the end of our love story.
_
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