In the fresh air Bea felt like she could breathe a little bit better.
"You look all right now. I guess running away really helped you, Beatrice," he says with accusation in his voice.
"I didn't run away."
"Oh, you didn't? I could swear you didn't tell me, when I went to see you a couple of days before, that you were leaving. Or... you didn't tell Isaiah not to tell me you were gone?" he asks with anger.
"Finn, I'm sorry, I really am." She gets closer to him and holds his hands. "For everything. I really am sorry. I shouldn't have said what I said."
Finn takes his hands out of hers and puts them inside his pockets.
"No, you should have said it earlier. Before everything else."
"Finn, what I said... I didn't mean it."
"Yeah, right..." He scoffs, unbelieving. "What do you want now? If you want to fuck that's fine, we can fuck, you don't need to pretend that you like me now just for that."
"I am well aware you can just fuck whoever," Bea spits out, anger overcoming her suddenly, as she thought of all the women he'd paid to sleep with while she was away.
"Exactly," Finn says but with a slight hesitation.
Bea takes a deep breath, calming and reminding herself that she had been the one to break things and brutally cruel with him and that she was now trying to apologize and fix things.
"Finn, I want to talk to you, but I can't do it if you're going to be cruel the entire time," Bea says a bit annoyed now.
"Just say whatever you want to say," Finn says with a sigh. "I want to go to the party."
"All right..." Bea takes a deep breath in as she looks to the ground. "I wanted to apologize for what I said that day. None of it was the truth. You were not just a way to pass time."
"Oh really? Because you did sound sure of it when you were saying it." he says still with anger.
"Finn, please..." Bea closes her eyes, unable to stop a tear from fall. "You wouldn't understand it," she says when he keeps quiet. "I don't expect you to, anyway."
"Understand what?"
"Why I said what I said."
"You aren't even explaining it to me, so how could I try to?"
Sensing the calmness in his voice, the change from hostility to an open mind, Bea cleans the tear that had fallen and looks at Finn with her angelic face, with no trace of malice whatsoever.
"It wasn't just because of Bonnie. It was everything around me not making sense anymore. I wasn't making sense anymore. And... I would have gladly died instead, because, well, he was always the best of us. And, since I was his only younger sister, he used to spoil me, as children, and even when I did wrong, he never got angry, not even in the past few years.
"These last few years we'd just strengthened our bond," Bea goes on, "I was never as close to my sisters as I was with Bonnie, and we had been separated for so long... I never imagined that I'd be living a life without him. I hate to admit it, but I imagined my life without Aberama. It's natural for parent to die when their children are still young. Bonnie and I were only one year apart..."
Bea paused for a little while and Finn took that to speak himself, already knowing that losing her brother had been the worse thing to happen to her.
"Bea. I know how much you loved your brother and how much he loved you. And I know that you were suffering, and still are. But that doesn't justify what you said to me. You, loving me or not, has nothing to do with Bonnie."
"I needed some time. Just... for me. I needed to grieve and to be alone and to gather my thoughts. It hurt me to say those words to you."
"But you said them anyway. And you knew you'd hurt me, too."
"At the funeral I was angrier than I showed. I told Tommy that I wasn't angry at him, but I was. How could I now?" she admits.
"Inside, I was praying to God that Tommy would die and Bonnie would live again. I wanted Aberama to be there to jump into the fire that burned Bonnie. I was angry like never before, and I didn't find the right way to express it. It also confused me and frightened me.
"And when you went to see me, I was sick," Bea continues, "I had already taken all my energy to speak with Aberama for the first time since Bonnie's death. You came without telling me beforehand, despite Polly telling you to stay away. I... I wanted you to stay away for your own good. Because I wanted everyone to..." Bea sighs. "I was wishing everyone to just disappear. If Bonnie doesn't deserve to live, then no one else does."
"I won't argue with that, but I didn't deserve to be mistreated like I was. I was always truthful to you, I always tried to help you and give you the freedom you needed. I didn't force anything upon you. I wanted to see you, make sure you were all right, comfort you in any way I could. I was a good person just to prove to you that I was worthy of you. And you stepped over it."
"I know that. Which is why even thinking of... wanting you to be gone instead of Bonnie scared me. But still, I wanted it. And I knew you didn't deserve anything bad happen to you. You are too good, Finn. And you were always too good for me. But at that time... And then, when I was grieving and sick and weak, and trying to talk to you, you asked all happy if it was about me wanting to marry you. It angered me so much."
"I know, I'm sorry," Finn apologizes. "Isaiah said that was a horrible thing to mention at that time and that was why he insisted that I should go and visit you. Because I wouldn't be sensible and say the wrong things."
"When you asked me that I wondered how anyone could think of that in that moment. Marriage, when Bonnie had died just a few days before... It made me even more sick. So, then I tried to be cruel, and I was, because I was even angrier than before, and I still knew that you didn't deserve a drop of that anger."
"I... understand."
"I said what came to mind that I knew would keep you away. But it wasn't true."
"You were very convincing."
"I know I was angry, and I said what I wanted to say, but it broke me completely. Part of me hoped that you knew me well enough to just not believe a word."
"The way that you were, maybe it was the anger you had within you... I believed everything."
Silence fell between them for a little.
"Did you want me to comfort you? At all?"
"Part of me wanted. The same part that knew you deserved none of my anger. But the other part... I was very angry. Also with the name Shelby in itself. I'm sorry."
Finn clears his throat.
"Was that all you had to say?" He asks more light-heartedly, but still distant.
"No. I wanted you to know that I really didn't mean it when I said it was a way of passing time. You don't just 'pass time' with the same person for over three years. I should have said it to you when you told me."
"When I told you what?" Finn asks confused.
"That you loved late-nights partying and whiskey and... me. I still didn't believe it entirely, despite all the years. I wanted to make sure that I hadn't been there that entire time just to fill a hole in your life and then you told me that and then... I didn't know how to react."
Bea rubs her cheek with slight embarrassment, even though she had no reason to feel that way in front of Finn, with whom she'd shared so much.
"Bonnie knew it before I did." Bea smiles remembering their many talks about Finn. "I insisted that I didn't love anyone, and he said that he could see it in my eyes, that night when I gifted you with the painting. He insisted it was love, but I denied it. Maybe I was just too scared," she admits.
Finn sighs, takes his hands out of his pockets and then gives a step forward to get closer to Bea and gently holds her face in his hands, making her look up to him.
"Do you think I wasn't scared? After so long I wondered if I shouldn't have said it earlier, if then it was too late to say that I love you. Or maybe that you didn't love me at all, and that we had fun together, but it didn't go farther than that. When you said that it was just a way of passing time, I guessed it made sense with the latter option."
"Do you still feel the same way?" Bea dares asking, knowing his answer would be the end or the start of it all.
Finn smiles sadly and then nods.
Bea grabs Finn's wrist, as he continues to hold her face.
"Please forgive me, Finn. It was a big mistake. The only reason I came back here was to fix it, to make things right between us and to, perhaps, going back to being you and me."
"Everything is forgiven, Bumble," Finn says, using the nickname Bea had longed to hear.
Bea shuts her eyes and smiles with relief. "Good," she whispers. "Because I think we are perfect together."
Finn smiles and then crashes his lips in hers. When they break apart Finn cleaned Bea's tears from her cheeks and chuckled.
"I will do everything I can to never hurt you again," Bea promises. "As with everything else, I make mistakes, and then I learn from them."
"Say it. You haven't said it properly. So tell me you love me."
"I love you, Finn Shelby. Only you."
Finn smiles widely and pulls Bea in to close the small gap left between them and hugs her as tightly as ever.
"Come," Finn says stepping back. "Let's go inside and enjoy the party." Finn turns to the side and slides an arm around her waist, pulling her towards the house with him.