When we arrive at the hospital, my mind is so numbed that I don't even notice we are there until Tom opens my door and places a hand on my shoulder, slightly squeezing it to bring me back to reality.
"Whenever you're ready, babe" he says with the saddest smile I have ever seen. Is it wrong to feel so blessed right now? I have this amazing man who has never even heard about Rose, sharing my pain and supporting me. I don't think I will ever be ready for this but I force to lie to him and myself with a nod charged with resignation.
I step out of the car and he holds my hand all the way through the big glass doors and to the admission desk.
Of course, they won't let us come up to where Rose is because we are not family members and that's when I truly recognize how bad it is. She is in the ICU, where visitations are strictly monitored and only the closest members of the family can get through. Once at a time.
Rose and Joseph, despite of all the efforts they made over their younger years, couldn't have any children and I know for a fact that they don't have any other family but each other, so I start crying and screaming like a maniac when I realize that he must be so alone, sad and scared, all by himself.
Tom pushes me to a much less crowded corner of the waiting room and he cradles my face, bathed with tears, between his hands. His grip is strong and he keeps asking me to calm down. I know that this nervous breakdown is doing nothing but decreasing my chances to get up there, but I can't seem to control it. I am all tears and shouts and random insults towards everyone who's standing between me and the closest thing to a mother and father I have here in England.
"Calm down!" he screams right in my face. I snap out of my hysteria long enough to see how everybody is staring at us. I try to keep it as together as I can so I wipe off my tears and I sniff the water running down my nose. I must look like an authentic monster but I don't give a fuck, to be honest. My Aries sign starts to show when I see a couple of middle age people, looking at me with a disapproving frown on their faces.
"Excuse me! Have you never seen a person crying before? Fuck off!" I scream at the top of my lungs. They make a grimace and look away.
"Hey!" says Tom as he pulls my face on his direction, making me look up at him against my will. "Tell me what you need. Tell me what is it that I can do for you, but please, stop it!" he is scolding me, but I can only perceive tenderness in his voice. I take my time to think. To rearrange the chaos that is my mind right now. I want to be with them. That is all I want.
I can't move my head because he is holding me tightly but I move my eyes around the room and I see, at the corner of my eyes, two very intrigued nurses.
In a matter of seconds, I gather that they must be my age or even a little bit younger and they have recognized Tom. Not only they recognized him but, by the stupid look on their faces, I know that they are really excited to have him so near. I know that expression because that is probably the one I sported when I saw him for the first time; wide open jaw and timid giggling escaping from their throats.
I would be extremely jealous of them if it wasn't for the fact that their weakness has just became my best and only weapon against the hospital policies.
"Those girls seem really happy to see you. Maybe you should go and blind them with your charming blue eyes so I can sneak into the elevators" I say.
I would feel very ashamed of my suggestion if it weren't for the fact that I am willing to do whatever it takes to be with the Hendriks right now.
At this point I have no conscience whatsoever and even if I did, I am pretty sure that she would be on my side on this one. I know her very damn well by now and I can even guess the exact same words she would scream inside of my brain if she weren't so absent at the moment.
Anything goes.
He stares at me for a few seconds, evaluating my eyes and carefully weighing each of my words. I would kiss him right now because of the way he is double checking my request with his glance, making sure that he won't get into any trouble for flirting with a couple of strangers. He is also a little ashamed. I hate myself for putting him in this position, but only for a few seconds.
I let go of his grip and I give him a pressing look.
He sighs and nods as he buries his hands on the pocket of his pants. "I must be madly in love" he growls as he makes his way to the nurses.
I hear those words. But I pretend not to, because I can only process one life changing moment at a time. And Tom openly admitting that he is falling for me fades into the background when Rose is actually dying a few floors above my head.
Besides, there is the possibility that it wasn't his intention to say it aloud.
I watch him display his full charming powers all over those two innocent girls and after a few seconds of me struggling with the fact that they are touching his arms and laughing at God knows what the hell he's saying to them, I quickly rush over to the elevators and I slide into the first one that shows up. When the doors are about to close, he gives me one last look and he winks at me as he makes up and excuse for the nurses and runs over to me.
He barely makes his way into the elevator and I feel my stomach shrink when I see that we are alone.
"I'm sorry..." I say with my voice tainted with shame.
He hugs me, wordlessly, and I come undone in his arms. I am scared to death of what I am about face. I saw Rose yesterday and she was just fine, all things considered. They were telling me that the treatment was working and I was so full of hope that she would actually make it.
I don't know what I am going to find when this doors finally open and I don't think I am ready for any of this.
"I can't believe I made you do that" I mutter against his chest. He pulls me away and gives me this look, so full of love.
"Whatever it takes, Clementine. Always" he says right before his lips pressed against mine, giving me a shot of courage I could have never imagine I would get.
When the doors split open I practically sprint out of it and down the hallway. I stop in my tracks when I realize that I have no idea where I'm going. I start looking around, reading every single sign and trying to remember what the woman in the front desk said right before I started screaming and crying.
"Room 314" Tom says when he reaches me. He still has my cell phone on his possession and that's when I start asking myself the most ridiculous questions. In any other situation I would be pissing off about the fact that he went ahead and picked up my phone calls but right now I feel grateful that he did because I don't think I would've bare to hear it.
I stand there, staring at him as he slides his arm around my shoulder and leads me to the room. I know that I should act a little calmer, pretend that I belong here, that I know where I am going so no one would suspect that we are here without any clearance.
When we take a turn on the corner I immediately spot Joseph; he is sitting on a chair, alone and defeated. His head is hiding behind his hands and I know that he's crying. My heart starts to beat frantically inside my chest, threatening to end me. I can't move. I can't face any of this.
"Clementine?" Joseph is now looking at me. He stands up slowly as if it is taking him the little energy he has left to do so. Tom and I walk over to him.
In an effort to make him feel at ease, I try to serve up a smile but as I am trying to contort my lips, my brain decides to make another decision, filling my eyes with tears that are burning my eyeballs.
He is looking at me with this expression that says he is not surprised at all that I had find my way into the ICU and I see a tiny glimpse of a smile forming in his face. But it goes away as quickly as it started.
"I don't understand. She was doing well, right?" I sob over his shoulder when he hugs me. Right now, I feel like he is the one comforting me and not the other way around. He strokes my hair and lets me cry until I can't do it anymore. "Wasn't she getting better? I ask again when we let go. He looks up at me and then at Tom.
"You must be Thomas. Nice to meet you..." he says as he offers his hand so Tom can shake it back. "Thank you for being here with Clementine" he adds. Even with his wife on her deathbed, he is still worrying about me. I ignore the fact that he didn't answer my question.
But she was doing better or so I thought. I just saw her two days ago, for heaven's sake! And she was cooking scones and scolding me for being rude and being as sweet and motherly as she always was. Is... as she always is.
"Of course... " he responds with a half-smile. "Would you like me to I get you something? A coffee or maybe some tea?" he offers, and I know that he just wants to leave us alone, give me a space that I don't know if I actually want or if I'm even able to handle.
"Please, don't leave me" I whisper to him, making sure that Joseph wouldn't listen to me. I don't know if he does, but he thanks Tom for the offer and shakes his head. "Can I see her?" I finally have the guts to ask.
With Tom and Joseph right behind me I step inside the room and I gasp at the sight that is being displayed in front of me.
Rose is sleeping on her bed, utterly calm and with this beautiful glow about her that if it weren't for the tubes sticking in and out of her body it would trick me into thinking that she is just resting after a long, happy day. Her breathing is slow and measured and she doesn't even flinch when I walk towards her and I put her hand between mine, caressing them softly with my thumbs. When I finally touch her, I know she's frail and almost withered; it's as if her skin is made out of the wings of a delicate silkworm.
I don't realize how heavily I'm crying until I feel Tom's arms wrapping my waist from behind and rocking me gently while resting his chin on my shoulder. I keep crying only this time, I feel more contained. I let go of Rose to place my hands on top of his and I smile when I feel the touch of his skin. His rough, full of life skin.
"You need to be alone with her, babe" he says without losing his grip over me. I shake my head. I can't do that. I can't accept this so easily. I mean, look at her! She doesn't look like she is dying, so maybe she is not. "I'll be just outside, I swear". He kisses me in the temple and lets out a sigh as he breaks our embrace.
I hate the distance he is putting between us but the rational part of my brain, which I can't believe it's still functioning -although barely-, knows where he is coming from and tries to convince me that he's right. I need to say goodbye and I have to do it on my own. Face it on my own.
Joseph and Tom leave the room and I am left with my soul ripped apart, in this unbearable silence only interrupted systematically by the piping of the machine I have failed to notice until now.
I grab the only chair in the room and I bring it closer to her bed, trying to be as quiet as I can possibly be and I take a seat beside her, holding her hand again. I open my mouth but I have no idea what to say or if there's even a point in doing it. Can she even hear me?
Just when I am about to lean my head to kiss her hand, an almost imperceptible sigh forces me to look up. I find Rose's brown eyes staring at me. The most incredible smile makes its way through her features and I respond with a sigh of relief.
"Hey," I say with a strangled voice. "How are you feeling?" I ask. I can't believe that I am asking such a stupid question.
"Tired... but good. I can't feel any pain. Not anymore" she answers. She is also trying to comfort me, just like Joseph did.
I can't believe that we are going to lose her. It is just so unfair and infuriating, my tears start streaming down my face, burning their way down until they either disappear inside my lips or fall onto the white sheets. I don't even make the attempt of wipe them off.
"Can't you just keep on fighting? Could you please, hold on just a little longer?" I sound like the most selfish bitch on the face of the earth but I don't care. I am claiming what is mine and she is mine. She's my friend and my mother and my grandmother all wrapped up in one beautiful, loving and amazing person. I need her.
"I don't think I can, child. I am trying, but it's just getting harder every day. I think it's time and I am finally ready. I'm sorry..."
When I let go of her hand to wipe the tears off of my cheeks, she pats the mattress, inviting me to lie down next to her. I frown at her, terrified that I might hurt her somehow by doing that, but she snorts sarcastically: "What? Are you afraid you're going to kill me? That's already taken care off"
I laugh at her comment and I do what she says, settling down beside her and resting my head on her shoulder. She feels warm and I swear I can still smell the fresh baked scones on her skin. I smile.
"I want to meet him," she says in my ear, "that gentleman you came with, I want to meet him" I look up at her, wondering how does she know that I came with someone. She answers my unspoken question with a mischievous wink. I laugh. "Tell me about him, he sounds lovely."
I want to tell her what I have been telling myself all along. I want to say that we are just having fun and enjoying whatever it is that we're doing. I want to say that I like him, of course, but I have no idea where this is going, but instead, a completely different statement comes out of my mouth.
"I think I love him, mummy. I don't know why, but I think I do." I feel this sense of release when I speak those words up. Like I have been keeping this secret for too long.
"Oh, honey! This is such wonderful news..." she says as she pushes my hair behind my ear and kisses the tip of my nose. I wrinkle it because it tickles and I make her laugh.
"I don't think so... I mean, I'm so scared! I've only known him for a week. How can I feel like this already? It doesn't make sense." I say trampling on each word. I'm not only asking these questions to Rose, I am formulating them to myself.
"Clementine... where is it written that you have to know a person for a certain period of time before you fall in love? Absolutely nowhere." she says. "Have I ever told you how Joe and I met?"
When I shake my head she laughs with this charmingly girlish laugh that makes me look up at her with total curiosity. I don't know why I have never heard this story before.
"You might think that we met in high school or in the middle of a family vacation over the summer, but nothing so far away from the truth. Joseph and I worked at the same hospital. He was a doctor and I was the secretary of the surgery chief. I was twenty-four years old and he was ten years older than me. He would show up at my boss's office several times a day and each excuse he made was utterly worse than the previous one. Eventually, he would bring me flowers or chocolates and then one day, he finally build up the courage to ask me out. And I said no..."
"What?! Why? Didn't you like him at all?" I am deeply committed to the story she's telling me so I sit up straight, facing her with my legs crossed under me, Indian style. For a moment, I forget where we are and why.
"Oh! I liked him, all right!" she exclaims, covering her cheeks with both hands. I actually think she's blushing. "The only problem was that I was engaged to be married to another man"
The look on my face must be of total and complete shock because she just stares at me, measuring my reaction. I can't believe what I'm hearing and it is not because I don't approve or I think they did something wrong.
Ever since Harry and I broke up, I have developed this theory about karma and how the bad things that you do to other people will definitely come back around and basically bite you on the ass, making you feel the pain and humiliation you've cost to the other person. And I still believe in that, of course, but if I take the Hendriks as an example and I look at the beautiful relationship they have and how they stuck together even though they had their fair amount of obstacles to overcome, I realize that when it's right and real, not even karma can object.
"Honey..." says Rose, pulling me away from my train of thoughts, "the one thing you'll learn over the years is that not everything is black or white. Yes, I was engaged and up until I met Joseph, I had never questioned or second guessed my feelings... But then, there he was, sweeping me off of my feet every single time he'd walk through the door"
"Did you cheat on your fiancé?" I ask. I try my best no to sound judgmental because I honestly don't feel that way. I am simply surprised. I would have never been able to picture Joseph or Rose with any other person. I can't help but thinking how different, in a really bad way, my life would have been if these two people hadn't end up together.
"Well... cheating is a really strong word, innit? The truth is that after my first rejection, Joe would keep on insisting with taking me out and I was only made of flesh" she sighs with a worn-out smile.
"Tell me about it!" I smile back, nodding my head and pointing at the door. It's closed but I know that my very own irresistible man is out there.
Suddenly, I am thinking of how fast I cave into my feelings for him after I found out he had broken up with Charlotte and I can't help but wonder how much longer it would have taken me to give myself to him, even if he didn't. I shiver when I quickly respond to that question.
No more than a week.
"Anyway... one day he asked me again and I said yes without even thinking! It was like my entire body was betraying my brain, taking actions into their own hands and rioting against reason. We went out, he kissed me and I knew that I couldn't go through with my wedding... I called it off ten minutes later" the smile on her face is so wide and intense, I can't help but smiling too.
I want to keep listening but the door squeals behind me, making me shift to my side to check.
"I'm sorry to interrupt..." says Tom. He seems a little surprised by the sight that's in front of him. I think he's thinking the same thing as I was, moments ago. How can this woman be dying? She looks so full of life, especially after the most beautiful walk down Memory lane we just did. "We have to go. They are calling security" he walks inside, opening the door just enough for me to see Joseph having a minor discussion with a nurse. I can't hear what they are saying but some isolated words travel to my ears. Tom walks in, shutting the door behind him.
"Oh, dear! He is so handsome!" Rose mutters while she pats my arm as if she is congratulating me for a work well done. I laugh when I see Tom's face slightly blushing. I think I might be doing so as well but I just reach my hand towards him, inviting him to my side.
"I know, right?" I've already admitted in front of her that I might be in love with him, so there is no point in denying how gorgeous I think he is. "Tom, this is Rose... Rose, Tom" I introduce them officially.
"Hello Rose! So nice to meet you..." he says. Clearly he feels overwhelmed and bewildered with the situation so I start having a tiny panic attack. What if I am pushing this too hard, too soon? After all, this is a really personal, intimate situation we are in. Again, is like I forget completely the fact that we've known each other for only a week. "You're quite beautiful yourself" he adds. And just like that, he is back into his cool self.
This man is not real. He cannot be.
"What a liar! But I'll believe you anyways... So, you will have to excuse my bluntness but, as you can see, I don't have time for any kind of pleasantries" she says adopting an overly serious face, almost sad. Suddenly, she doesn't seem so full of life. Quite the opposite, to be honest.
"Don't talk like that" I scold her. I have to blink several times to fight off the tears that are starting to fill up my eyes. I feel Tom's hand rubbing the back of neck in a futile attempt to make me feel better.
"This child..." she continues, ignoring my words and placing a hand on my cheek. I have to repress a jolt when I notice how cold her skin feels, especially in comparison to Tom's fingers, which are still lingering on me. "She is the closest thing I have to a daughter, if she isn't already. I love her as if I had carried her inside my womb and raised her since she was a baby... All I need to know is that you will respect her and have the decency to step aside if you ever feel like you are not the man she needs and deserves..." Her words are cold and hard as steel and incredibly caring and full of love, all at once.
Right now my tears are not only streaming down my face, but I am crying with my whole exhausted body. I stand up from the bed, getting rid of the grip of both hands as if they are hurting me or stinging me like bugs.
I am so angry and desperate that I keep on pacing along the room, wiping the relentless water works pouring out of me with the sleeves of my sweater. At this point they are so soaked up in my tears that they just fail to do the work.
Tom's glare jumps to me and then back at Rose while he tries to say something. I can tell he's debating himself between responding to the dying woman or trying to hold me and make me stop.
"I will... Respect her..." he starts to say.
"Shut the fuck up!" I scream way louder than I intended to so I cover my face with both hands. After a few deep breaths, I continue: "Just... stop talking. Why are we doing this? Why can't we just..."
"What? Pretend that this is not happening?" Rose interrupts me. "Because it is, darling. And I truly hope it doesn't take much longer... Tom?" She says looking back at this very collected man I have in front of me and beckoning him to continue. I really don't understand how they can keep their shit so fucking together.
"I will respect her... and I will step aside if I don't turn out to be the man she deserves... But I hope I am, Rose. I really want to be that man" He smiles. "I think I am."
I know I should probably smile too. His words are unexpectedly filling me with an incredible sense of joy. But almost immediately I feel this rage flowing through my veins, like acid.
"Fuck this shit!"
I storm out of the room making my way between a very shocked Joseph and the nurse he is having a conversation with. It only takes me a second to recognize her as one of the skanks who were flirting with Tom in the lobby. Even though I know I was the one that suggested that course of action, right now I am pissed off with the whole of human kind.
I hear her scream something like "You're not allowed up here" and I just flip her off without even turning around to see her reaction.
I reach the elevator but when the doors don't open instantly, I just locate the stairs and pull the door open. I start rushing my way down, skipping several steps at a time.
When I get to the ground floor, rather shocked that I haven't broke my neck on the way down, I push the heavy door open and run towards the entrance. Before I step outside I take a quick look over my shoulder trying to figure out if I want to see Tom running towards me or not.
Be that as it may, he is nowhere to be seen.
The cold air strikes me like a slap on the face, making my cheeks burn as the tears I couldn't manage to dry almost freeze over my face. I embrace myself, holding me tight by the chest trying to prevent the cold to get the air out of my lungs and this pain in my heart to tear it in two.
I instinctively jump forward when I feel his hands on my shoulders. I feel so damaged, so betrayed by everyone. Especially by him.
"Love..." he starts to say.
"What the fuck was that?? I will respect her... and all that bullshit?" I snap at him, mocking at his words and laughing as hysterically as I was crying moments ago.
The look on his face is so annoyingly supportive that I just can't take it anymore. My body is too incredibly small to accommodate so many emotions. Regardless, they're in there; trying to find a place to settle, stepping on each other toes and elbowing each other to get the dominating spot of my brain.
"Can you please stop it?! Stop acting like a goddamned knight in a shining armor?!" I actually push him away from me when he walks to me. I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
He raises his hands at each side of his head, surrendering before my expletives.
"You don't have to do that. Promise something just to please her... Not when you are allowing her to fucking die on me, Tom!" I yell. He lowers his arms and lets out a sigh, making a dense wisp of smoke swirl between us. When did it get so cold?
"It wasn't just to please her, Clementine. And I think you know that," he says with a calm voice, almost like he is explaining himself to a five year-old, "or at least, you should."
I furrow my brow while I click my tongue between my teeth as a gesture of disbelief, discarding his words.
"Don't do that..." he says. This time he sounds upset. His perfect act of compassion and understanding is finally beginning to crack.
"Do what? Uh?!" I poke him. I want him to show me a real emotion. I don't know why but I can't buy this cool, collected façade he is trying to pull up. "What, Tom?"
"I meant what I said back there... I want to be the man you need, Clementine," he responds grabbing my hand and pushing it away from his chest, "and if what you need right now is a bloody sandbag to throw punches at, then so be it!" His voice is raising its volume and people are starting to stare at us. "But don't you even dare to belittle how I feel about you, is that clear?"
His hands are now grasping my face, forcing me to look him straight in his eyes. I hate him so much and I also love him a little bit more every passing minute. I have been falling in love with this man since the moment I laid eyes on him, quite frankly.
But at this very moment all I can do is secretly despise him for making me feel as I do; guilty.
How can I gloat at the fact that such an incredible, charming, beautiful man is falling in love with me when the woman I consider the best role model I could ever had, other than my own mother, is slowly slipping out of this world, leaving me behind? Tell me how to turn off this gnawing pang of self-reproach that's eating me up inside, and I will do it gladly.
"She is like my mother, Tom... And she is dying! I should be feeling like fucking crap right now!" I say as I remove his hands and I step away. "I shouldn't be feeling like this... struggling not to give in to the part of me who wants to tell you that I love you too..." The words stumble out of my mouth without me having any time or will to rationalize and process them. "Don't you know that I'm dying to kiss you right now?! O even make you a major scene for batting your stupid eyelashes at those bitches?! And don't you tell me you did that because I asked you to because you could have...."
He shuts me up the only way he knows it will work.