Single life had been an adjustment. It was lonelier than I thought it would be. I thought I would be totally ok with it, that I have been doing everything practically alone all along anyway so what difference does it make. But nothing prepares you for the complete silence and the absence of human presence when you were so used to it. For all of Noah's shittiness, I was missing the signs of life that I was accustomed to.
I had been spending a lot of time with Scarlett, Tristan and Mel. Scarlett had insisted I join her Pilates class, and even though I'm terrible at it, I've given it a go. If Mel wasn't over for dinner or just to hang out, then Tristan usually was. We would watch movies or sometimes just sit outside on a warm even and chat. It helped a little bit to fill the void of Noah being gone. Not that I missed Noah as such, just, a person.
That didn't mean I wanted to arrive home to find Noah sitting on my front doorstep for the second time this week. I had been thinking more along the lines of a housemate, or taking up Scarlett's offer of moving in with her.
On Monday, I had stepped off the tram and saw him sitting on the front step waiting for me, cigarette in one hand, the other running through his greasy, unwashed hair. He looked awful, like he had hardly slept, and he had clearly not showered by the stench of stale alcohol practically steaming off of him.
I managed to get rid of him fairly quickly and without a lot of fuss. I called Jamie and requested he pick him up, gave him water and even offered him food. He looked like he could use a good meal. He didn't talk, just watched me move about the kitchen with this faraway look in his eye. Before he left he said he missed me, and he wished we could go back to what we had.
"We can't Noah, I won't. For both our sakes, you need to move on with your life," I told him before shutting the passenger door. I thanked Jamie who looked at me with pity before he drove away.
I was getting used to the looks of pity by now.
When I told Tristan and Scarlett about it the next morning over coffee, Tristan insisted that if he showed up again I should text him and he'll come over right away. I told him it was fine, that he was harmless. Tristan insisted, reminded me that if Noah is using it could make him act out in an unpredictable way. Better to be safe than sorry. Scarlett agreed with Tristan.
Maybe I was too naive.
We had a late meeting tonight, followed up with an early dinner. Alex ordered Thai food for everyone and we stuffed our faces with roti bread, chicken satay, pad Thai and an array of curries. I enjoyed being with the people I work with, it hasn't been long, but they already feel like an extended family. People I was meant to find all along.
Being early March, the sun didn't usually set till after 8.30, so I felt safe heading home alone. Home to my empty house.
Only the house wasn't empty, Noah was here again. This time he wasn't waiting on the front step, instead he had let himself in. Or more, broken in because he had given me his key back. I later found out that the window to his old games room was open and he used that to climb inside. I hadn't been in that room, so I of course hadn't checked if the window was locked.
He was sat on the same dining chair he was on three nights ago. The only furniture I had left in the house. He was facing the front door waiting for me. Only this time he looked less broken and more manic. A wild look in his eye and a crooked grin on his face. I wished I had taken Tristan more seriously. Maybe then I could have been more prepared for this situation.
Although I'm not really sure how one can adequately prepare for their drug induced ex to show up inside their home.
I unlocked my phone quickly, sending a message to Tristan, 'he's here'. Two words that will hopefully be enough. My phone rang instantly, but I silenced it before Noah reacted.
Slowly I lowered my bag to the floor, making sure I left the door unlocked behind me. I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, this all felt wrong. Dangerous. The look on Noah's face was scaring me.
I probably should have run back out the door. Run away from the house as fast as I could. That's what you should do right? Run away from danger.
But I know Noah, or I knew him. He never wanted to hurt me, not physically. He has already caused emotional hurt, what more could he do? I could talk him around, find out what he wants, and maybe help him.
"Noah," I say carefully.
"You're late. Why are you home so late?" He cuts me off.
"That's none of your business anymore Noah," I speak calmly, trying really hard to keep my tone even.
Even though I was anything but calm inside.
"Why are you here Noah? How did you get in? I'll call Jamie again to pick you up, but this has to stop Noah."
I think I read once or saw it on tv, that you should use someone's name a lot in this sort of situation. I don't know, but it seemed like something from criminal minds, so I ran with it.
I reach for my phone again to make the call to Jamie, but Noah is quick as he lunges across the room and knocks my phone out of my hand.
"No you stupid bitch," he yells as he grabs my wrists.
He doesn't let go, his grip only tightening as he pushes me up against the wall. He keeps a hold of my wrists and pushes his whole body against me. He is so close I can smell the cigarette on his breath, his hair is still greasy and unwashed and his eyes are practically black. There's no sign of the Noah I knew at all.
"Sorry baby, I didn't mean to yell," he whispers, his tone vastly different from the physical hold he still has on me. "We were perfect Mack, you and me forever. You ruined it. You walked away from us," his nose is in my hair nuzzling my head, and even though he is talking, I'm not sure it's to me.
Noah places his lips on my neck, kissing me softly. I try not to react so I don't startle him, but I can't stop the way my body stiffens involuntarily when his lips touch my skin. Noah doesn't seem to notice though, as he continues. "I want you baby, I can show you how perfect we are, how much you want me too."
His grip is still so tight on my wrists. "Noah, you're hurting me. Please, don't hurt me," I plead with him.
His eyes dart to where he is holding me, then back to my face. But his grip doesn't loosen.
"I wouldn't hurt you Mack, I love you."
"You... you are hurting me Noah. You're hurting my wrist. Please, let me go. I won't run."
Before Noah decides to let me go or not, my phone starts buzzing on the floor from where he knocked it. It takes over Noah's attention and he let's go of me, reaching for the phone.
I see him read the screen, and I see his eyes cloud over with anger. No, not anger, it's pure rage. I have to hold myself together, when all I really want to do is cower in the corner. But Noah will pounce on that vulnerability.
"Who is Tristan?" Noah spits. "Are you fucking him? Have you already replaced me?"
"No!! No, Noah. Tristan is just a friend," I insist, but Noah doesn't hear me. He isn't listening.
"I bet you bring him here now I'm gone. You spread your legs for him don't you, you slut. That's what you wanted, you wanted me gone so you can fuck whoever you want. You're just a dirty little whore. You want to be fucked Mackenzie is that it baby? Because I can fuck you till you scream if that's what you want."
"No! Noah stop! Please!"
Noah still isn't hearing me. He throws my phone across the room and stalks towards me. His body is covering mine again, his hands are roaming my body as he speaks. "You want to be a dirty slut, I'll fuck you like one, I can fuck your little ass hole too, I know you'll like that. I'll fuck you so hard you can't walk for days. Hmmm, how about it."
Somewhere, something went so, so right though because before he makes true on his words, the front door is thrown open. It's enough to startle Noah and I finally learn to run. I run to the other end of the kitchen, away from it all.
There's Tristan, there's police, there's Noah being handcuffed. It's all a blur. I can't even comprehend what happens next, I can hardly comprehend what happened the last ten minutes. Because that's all it took for Noah to take away my feeling of safety.
There were statements made, paramedics checking me over, checked Tristan's hand because apparently there were punches thrown, and security checks on the rest of my house. Tristan didn't leave my side the entire time.
When everyone else finally left, he made me get in the shower and waited for me on the other side of the door. I scrubbed and scrubbed my body, but the feeling of Noah wouldn't go away, the bruises already appearing on my wrists a reminder. I could still smell him. I know I was lucky that it didn't go any further, lucky that Tristan arrived when he did.
"Hey," Tristan said softly as I walked back into my room.
"Hi," I stood awkwardly in front of him.
"Come here," he gestured his open arms, when I hesitated he faltered, arms lowering. "Only if your comfortable Mack. I can go if that's what you want, I just want to make sure you're ok."
"No, don't go," I whispered frantically before accepting his offer of comfort and climbing into his lap like a child. "I don't want to be alone."
"Then you won't. Do you want to talk about it?" He asked gently, drawing circles on my back. I shook my head no, and he didn't press it.
Some time later we had migrated to lying in the bed with my laptop in front of us playing Netflix. Tristan sat up against the headboard, while I lay with my head in his lap. He stroked my hair over and over in the most comforting way. It was such a contrast to the way Noah had been.
"I should have listened to you. You know, when you said he could be unpredictable."
"Hey, this is not your fault. You couldn't have known, I'm just glad you text me."
"Thank you. You haven't even known me long and you show me so much kindness," I say softly.
"You don't have to know someone a long time to know you care about them."
I twist my head to look up, finding Tristan already looking down at me. His eyes are so gentle, I can tell he is trying not to pity me and what happened though. I don't know where I got lucky to have him come into my life.
"I don't think I can keep living here."
"We'll sort it out tomorrow, how about you try and sleep. I'd offer to go to the couch, but you don't have one," he laughs softly.
"No it's ok, stay here. I... I want you to. I know you won't do anything to me."
"No one should ever touch you without consent," he whispers as we lay in darkness. "I promise you I would never do that."
I shouldn't have even thought it, but I wondered if he meant he never would touch me at all, and if that's the case, why? Is the idea of touching me so bad. Would anyone want to touch me again now? The girl with the crazy ex boyfriend.
I turned my back to Tristan, and let the silent tears fall as I cried myself to sleep.
***
The next few days I was never alone. I took the rest of the week off work. Mum sat with me during the days and Mel stayed at night. Scarlett and Tristan both came by a few times.
Lorraine called me. She said that she didn't realise how bad Noah had gotten, after he was arrested, he was admitted to rehab. Lorraine was committed to getting her son the help he needed and was so sorry for all the pain he caused me.
It's nice of her to apologise, but she is not the one who should be sorry. Noah is.
I could tell it was hard on mum, Lorraine was one of her best friends, but her son has so badly hurt her daughter. She doesn't know how to get past that. I told her not to let it get in the way of her friendship, but my mum is like a lioness. If one of her cubs is hurt, she protects them. In her mind, not seeing Lorraine is protecting me.
Mum begged me to come home too. She refused to let me live alone anymore, so I was forced to come up with another plan. Thankfully, Scarlett insisted that her offer still stood. So plans were made, and boxes were packed, and mum finally agreed to give me some space again. I loved having her, but I needed to breathe and move on from this. It's not something I can do with her hovering over me.
Eventually, we would all recover from this. I would recover and I would feel safe again.
I had to.