𝐆𝐀𝐌𝐄 𝐎𝐅 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐒 [𝐑. 𝐋𝐮𝐩𝐢𝐧]

𝐃𝐎𝐆 𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆

Song:
Can I call you tonight (Dayglow)
"So can I call you tonight?"

Sirius Black was facing the predicament of his life. A few months ago he would start praying to the heavenly Father whenever one of his friends managed to score a date, and now they all had managed to sneak their ways into the world of dating. It was incredible, that was for sure, but it left him with this deadly serious question:

Which couple should Sirius Orion Black spy on during the Hogsmead trip?

First, there was James and Lily. It was a sight to behold, for sure. After so many years of teasing James about his massive crush on the redhead, being present on their first date was poetic. The mere thought of how much blackmail material he could gather to torment James when he finally had little Prongslets running around made him cry from excitement.

Then, there was Dorcas and Marlene. He had followed around one of Marlene's dates before and the blonde had gotten so annoyed that she started shouting at him in the middle of the pub. Granted, it hadn't been as scary because the blonde ended up choking on her saliva and let out a weird noise that made him laugh whenever he thought about it. Being witness to one more of these outbursts could provide him with entertainment for at least ten more years.

And finally, there was Callisto and Remus. Remus went on dates as much as Sirius went to the library.

If someone held a gun against Sirius' head and told him that unless he managed to find the library he would die, Sirius wouldn't be returning to the Potters for Christmas ever again.

It was a sight on its own, but the fact that the girl was Callisto made it even greater. In fact, Sirius was ready to bet it would be the single most entertaining thing he could ever witness. All he had was to transform into Padfoot and follow them around, relishing in the pure joy of seeing his friend finally go on a real date.

It was a hard decision, but it had to be made.

And so, it was time for Sirius Orion Black to do what any good friend would, and spy on Remus and Callisto.

~ ~ ~

"Don't get pregnant." Regulus instructed, as Callisto was pacing up and down the room. Remus was supposed to come pick her up in five minutes, but there was no way she would go downstairs if she wasn't at least five minutes late. It would be easy to do that if she wasn't so damn nervous about the date.

"Easy." Callisto mumbled, not really finding it in herself to take some time and appreciate the sheer irony behind this joke.

"Just sit still, woman!" Narcissa whined, pointing her wand at Callisto "Petrificus Totalus."

Callisto immediately froze in place, glaring at Narcissa.

"Now listen carefully." Narcissa instructed. "Everything will go just fine. Do you know why?"

Silence fell in the room. Callisto could only blink, her mouth glued shut and her hands stuck mid-air.

Regulus raised an eyebrow, "Are you going to tell us, or..."

"Oh, right!" Narcissa blurted out, remembering that Callisto wasn't able to respond in any way. "Because he already knows you, Callie! You don't have to pretend to be someone else, try to impress him, or Merlin knows what else. You just have to do what you do best."

"Scare first years?"

"No!" Narcissa answered, shooting Regulus a glare. "Okay, you just have to do what you do second best."

"She can't talk, Cissa." Regulus groaned once silence fell again. "How do you two even manage to live?"

"Money?" Narcissa answered, reversing the spell. "Anyway, just don't kill him and you'll be fine."

"And don't get pregnant, so we'll all be fine." Regulus advised. "Now, any statements you want to make before going downstairs?"

Callisto nodded, "I want to pee."

"It's the excitement." Regulus responded, opening the door and pushing her out of the room. The door closed shut behind her, and she took a deep breath, heading for the staircase.

She couldn't really understand why she was so nervous. Narcissa was right about her not needing to worry, but her stomach couldn't stop doing flips at the mere thought of the date. Callisto knew that nerves were natural before any date, but were they really that intense?

Remus was waiting outside the common room, checking his watch every ten seconds. He had woken up two hours earlier, trying to push aside the nerves that were mixing with excitement. Just like every other morning, James had tried to basically force breakfast down his throat, but this time he stopped once he realized how nervous the werewolf was. Sirius and Peter had taken over the appearance part of the date, emptying his entire closet in search of that one sweater that turned out to be a figment of their imagination. Sirius had tried to convince him that a leather jacket would make Callisto swoon, while Peter thought that a pop of color would make him stand out.

James didn't care about his appearance, but couldn't stop sulking over the fact that Remus hadn't eaten breakfast.

Remus' head snapped to the direction of the entrance, hoping that it would be Callisto coming out and not another first year.

"You-" Callisto blurted out, pointing at him as she approached him. "Look hot."

His sandy brown hair was messy, reminding her of the softest clouds in the sky, and he had ditched the school robes for a dark green sweater and brown, baggy pants. He smiled lightly when he saw her, before he raised his hand and pointed his middle finger at her.

"You look like shit." He teased, knowing fully well that she looked like the exact opposite. She did look like she was going on a mission for a shady muggle spy company instead of a date, but Remus had learned by now that what she either dressed like that or like an explosion of colors.

"Oh, then I guess I'm leaving." Callisto sighed, turning around. A hand wrapped around her arm and he stopped her, turning her around so she could face him.

"I don't think so." Remus responded, pulling her closer to him. "In fact, you're coming with me."

Callisto raised an eyebrow, "What makes you so sure?"

"Intuition." He shrugged, admiring the girl in front of him. "Listo, you look beautiful."

"That's more like it." The girl grinned proudly. Narcissa had insisted on her wearing something "cuter" for the first date and leave the "espionage costume" for some other time, but Callisto had refused to even think about it.

"So, what's the plan, Lupin?" She asked, curious as to where they were heading. Instead of going to the Great Hall, he had led her close to the Kitchens.

"The carriages are boring." Remus explained, standing in front of the statue of a witch with only one eye. "Observe, Claire."

Remus reached up to the face of the witch and turned the glass eyeball, part of the wall fading to reveal a passage.

"How the hell?" Callisto murmured, her eyes widening in surprise.

"Magic." Remus stated, taking her hand. Callisto glanced at their joined hands, realizing that it was the first time in her life someone had taken her hand like that. A small smile crept up on her lips and followed him into the passage, enjoying the warmth radiating from his palm.

"You still haven't told me the plan."

"So impatient." Remus shook his head, looking down at her with a small smirk. He had noticed how she hadn't let go off his hand, the gesture making his heart flutter. The boy had taken a risk by holding her hand, not really knowing Callisto's feelings about these gestures. "The passage leads right next to the Three Broomsticks. I was thinking we could go get ice cream and then we could walk around."

"Thank Merlin!" The girl breathed out, relieved they wouldn't sit down at any of the coffee shops. "I don't like how everyone can see you drinking and eating."

"I know." Remus responded, opening the wooden door. "You're hard to please like that."

"You didn't seem to be having any trouble with pleasing me, Rem." Callisto smirked, a sense of satisfaction filling her as his eyes widened in surprise. She stepped a bit closer to him. "What happened, darling? Do I make you nervous?"

"Shut up."

"I love it when you get all tough." She laughed, shaking her head. "So, about that ice cream..."

"I thought you'd never ask."

~ ~ ~

Sirius Black had been waiting in front of the Three Broomsticks for what seemed to be an eternity, looking around for the pair. He had expected that Remus would take her to the Three Broomsticks for a butterbeer, but that was soon proven false when he saw them strolling down the street. They both held cups of ice cream, eyeing the people passing by before they turned to whisper something with hushed laughs.

"Do you think he bleaches it regularly?" Remus murmured, looking at Lucious who passed by them with Snape and Avery by his side.

"Narcissa does it for him." Callisto informed him, snickering. "I once caught him with the aluminum foil on his hair and he almost obliviated me."

"No way!" Remus snorted, turning around to glance at the boy one more time. "Well, I'll be damned, Claire."

"He's such a dick." Callisto commented, taking a spoonful of ice cream. "Snape is worse though. Such a hypocritical prick."

"Yes, Snivellous and I have been acquainted." Remus muttered, his eyes narrowing as Callisto took some of his ice cream and ate it. "That's mine."

"Okay, and how would I know?" The girl asked smuggly, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm literally holding it."

"You're also holding my hand, but I wouldn't exactly call it yours." Callisto argued.

"A body part is much different from food, Callisto." Remus retorted. "The hand is yours because it's still attached to you! If I cut it off, then one could argue that it's mine."

"In that case, the ice cream was taken from the cup, so it was never touching you. Hence, it's not yours." Callisto insisted. "Here, let me demonstrate."

The blonde took some more ice cream with her spoon, and ate it, "See?"

"Hey!" Remus whined, his eyebrows furrowing. "Give it back!"

"Too late now."

Before she could say anything else, Remus leaned down and kissed her. Instinctively, her arms wrapped around his neck and he pulled her closer, tasting the chocolate ice cream on her lips. Callisto went to touch his face with her hand, forgetting about what she was holding. The cup fell on the ground with a small thud, all the ice cream spilling out of it.

"I like ice cream better that way." Remus muttered, breaking the kiss. That was when Callisto noticed she wasn't holding her own ice cream anymore.

"Fuck you, Lupin." She whined, looking at the fallen ice cream like a small child would. "I dropped my ice cream because of you!"

"Aw, too bad." Remus snickered, receiving a smack on the arm. Callisto didn't bother to do much more, her eyes finally falling on the shaggy black dog sitting opposite from them. It didn't take long for her to understand who it was, the size of the dog giving away its identity.

"Fucker!" Callisto exclaimed, completely oblivious to Remus' fed up look. The dog ran over to her, his tail wiggling excitedly as the girl bent down and scratched between his ears.

"What a pleasant surprise!" Remus grumpily muttered, sending a glare at the dog.

"You should take better care of him, Rem." Callisto scolded, looking up at the boy. "He was all alone here."

"He seems fine to me." Remus retorted. "In fact, I think he looked like he enjoyed the solitude."

Sirius could see Remus was annoyed, but this was too good to abandon. So, he turned to Callisto and licked her cheek, enjoying the enraged expression that took over the werewolf's face.

"Okay, that's enough." Remus exclaimed, poking Callisto's shoulder. "Come on, Listo."

"Just a second, Rem." She smiled, an idea popping on her head. Remus didn't miss her eyes lighting up, as she looked at the dog and back at the Castle.

"Absolutely not."

"You don't even know what I'm thinking." She groaned, rolling her eyes.

"You are not adopting Fucker." Remus continued, panic rising in the dog's eyes. "Look at him. He's annoying."

"No, he's not!" Callisto stubbornly insisted, standing up. "He's just a dog, Remus. And he's alone; all cold and scared!"

"I'm pretty sure he can handle it." The boy argued, his eyes narrowing as the dog licked Callisto's hand. He couldn't help but wonder if Callisto would be so quick to defend "Fucker" if she truly knew who he was.

"I won't keep him forever, Rem!" Callisto reasoned. "Sirius loves dogs, right?"

The dog wiggled his tail excitedly, letting out a bark.

"And quite obviously, Fucker loves the idea of Sirius." The girl continued. "I don't really understand how, but it must be because they have the same IQ. Anyway, I'll just keep Fucker in my dorm until Sirius' surprise birthday party next week, and I'll give him to Sirius as a birthday present! I'll even get him a nice collar and a hat."

It was truly comical how Callisto had managed to drop one bomb after the other in just a matter of a few seconds.

Remus was just staring at her, trying to find the best way to tell her that abducting Fucker was the most horrible idea he had heard without making that adorable, excited expression on her face turn into a scowl.

Sirius had completely disregarded the abduction part, too focused on the fact that he was having a party organized for him. He bumped his head on Callisto's leg, trying to show his obvious distaste for the comment on his IQ.

"Callisto." Remus muttered, feeling guiltier by the second. "You can't just drag a dog across the Castle."

"Sure I can."

"But you shouldn't." Remus insisted. "And don't mention the party like that. Someone could hear."

"I don't see Sirius anywhere, so what's the problem?" Callisto snorted, not realizing the sheer irony behind her words.

"You never know." Remus sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Anyway, maybe you should get him something else. Like a towel or something."

"A towel?"

"Or something, yes." The boy confirmed. "Anything but a dog. Or a cat. Or anything live for that matter."

"No, he will love Fucker, Remus!" Callisto insisted. "We can get him in the Castle through the passage you showed me and then I can just shrink him and carry him to my dorm in my palm. Come on, don't be a party pooper!"

Remus should have said no. He should have been more persistent.

But there was Callisto, looking at him with those blue eyes that were practically begging him to help her abduct their own friend in his dog form and keep him imprisoned in a dorm until a birthday party she had accidentally just spoiled.

"Ugh, fine."

~ ~ ~

Callisto closed the bathroom door, looking at Remus sitting on her bed. Her plan ended up working perfectly, and now Fucker was sleeping peacefully in the bathroom, after Callisto fed him a sleeping draught. Remus was trying to figure out a way to get Sirius out of the new ridiculous mess he had gotten in, when Callisto sat down next to him.

"Rem."

"Listo."

"Thank you." The girl muttered, feeling her cheeks heat up. "For the date, I mean."

"I made you drop your ice cream."

"You also helped me abduct a dog." Callisto muttered, grinning. "That's very fun of you."

"The party pooper is fun now?" Remus sarcastically asked, putting a hand on his heart. "I am flattered, Claire."

"You should be because I'm not going to say that again."

"That's a lie." Remus stated. "Will you keep Fucker in the bathroom?"

"Mainly." Callisto answered, the thoughtful look on her face scaring Remus. Last time he had seen it, they had ended up carrying a microscopic dog around Hogwarts like he was a glass figure. What could it possibly be now?

"I don't like the name Fucker that much." She said, falling back down on the bed. "I was thinking we could change it."

He looked at the girl curiously, "To what?"

"Snuffles!"

Remus fell back on the bed like her, completely mesmerized by the smile spreading on her lips. It was small, but genuine, her blue eyes lighting up as she hesitantly held his hand.

And that was when Remus Lupin realized one thing.

Callisto Claire was going to be the death of him.

~ ~ ~

You can't convince me something like this never happened.
Like, love my man Sirius, but he's stuck in the stupidest situation ever