Anemoia
nostalgia for a time you've never known.
This world is dark. You can't see anything ahead of you it's so dark. And when you look behind you, the past becomes more blurry as you dive deeper into the future so it can be present. Some people are just looking for a light at the end of the road, but the only thing they find at the end of it is an unpleasant reality.
Every time I reached out my hand it was torn away from me and ripped apart, I guess that's just how life works?
Now I'm back in the same hospital bed. I've been here for...A large portion of my life. But it's getting tiring. It smells the same, it's like it's rubbed off on me over the past years.
I really miss Atsushi.
I hope he'll visit.
I don't think I have much longer left.
.
..
...
*Atsushi pov*
Maybe I shouldn't tell them? Looking over to Dazai and Chuuya, seemingly happy as ever, I really couldn't destroy it. I couldn't bring myself to tell them, it felt like I'd be dumping my problems onto them.
I mean...Maybe I am overthinking?
But then again it's unlikely.
I cant help but think since last night, just how much I love him yet despise him.
Part of me tells me I should visit. Salvage our relationship and get more information.
But I'm anxious and scared,
"Hey Atsushiii~!!" A brunet called out, catching my attention.
"-Hm?" I hummed out unexpectedly as my thoughts were ripped from my head.
"You're going to go visit Akutagawa today right? The doctors called and said you can now~~!"
"Oh..." I stood there staring at him, my expression showed through what should have been happiness. I could tell he saw it, and it scared me.
"I'll make sure to visit him then." I cracked a smile, one that was bent out of shape, rusty, and painful. I stood there for a moment as if I was lost with no directions.
Well..What now?
I guess I should visit him.
But I really don't want to.
"Well? What are you waiting for? Visiting hours are open!"
"Ah of course-." I muttered, taking slow steps to the door. My hands were shaking, they shook uncontrollably where it felt noticeable and probably was. I felt sick like vomit was piling up in my throat and my stomach was too weak to handle it.
I just opened the door and walked out without another word. I probably forgot a lot of things, like my phone and a jacket, maybe even socks. But I felt so numb it didn't really matter.
Swallowing thickly every moment the name Ryunosuke passed my mind,
My heart beating fast,
Why...Why did I feel this way?
I just couldn't understand it, every word or thought I meant to say got stuck in my throat.
I felt dizzy, I feel dizzy. My head feels like a weight too heavy to carry.
I was on autopilot the entirety of the trip there, the long and blurry trip.
I heard my stomach growl at me, I must be hungry. I just couldn't feel it.
When I reached the hospital doors, I looked up at the endless amounts of windows in the building and I wondered,
Just how many people in here are living their last months out on a hospital bed? Or even days, or minutes, or seconds.
Upon entry, I was entered into a solemn vibe. A TV screen playing sports was on while I looked inside the waiting room and saw multiple people waiting there on their phones, some talking to others. The basic theme of the room was: white, white, and more white.
"Hello, how can I assist you today?"
"Hey, I'm here to see Akutagawa Ryunosuke?"
"Alright one moment.." The lady began typing for a minute. "He's in room 210 on floor 3, do you need guidance getting there?"
"No, I'm fine," I said almost immediately before walking off. I clenched my hands into a fist, either out of anger or trying to hold back tears. I couldn't really tell.
Taking the elevator managed to have an even more depressing mood than the waiting room. It was crowded with most people either frowning or hugging their beloved ones. I just, I couldn't imagine it. That couldn't be me, It cant.
I walked down the hallway, passing by a few gurneys where people lay either unconscious or in a daze. They were just on the stretcher in the hallway, which made me wonder if they were abandoned or what. I came across one person being rushed past the hallway as well in a stretcher.
From a glimpse, they looked cold, eyes barely opened.
They looked tired.
And lifeless.
Shaking my head, I just continued on down the endless hallway. Some doors were slightly open, enough to catch a quick sight of people laying on their own hospital beds. Either alone and watching TV, or next to someone visiting them. Some were crying, some were happy, some were neutral.
When I finally reached room 210, I looked at the number plate for a moment. Almost in disbelief. I'd wished it was a nightmare.
I held my hand up to knock but stopped hesitantly.
I don't want to see him.
Not in such a horrible condition.
I shut my eyes tightly until they hurt.
I knocked,
It was quiet
I'd hoped he didn't hear but a noise unraveled from the other side within moments.
"Come in." It sounded so lifeless and emotionless.
I didn't want to open the doors.
Yet I did,
And I just looked at him, laying on the hospital bed, not even bothering to look at me until moments later. He looked a bit surprised, off-guard even, but more so his face turned into sorrow. It looked so guilty it made my heart drop lower than before.
"R-Ryu," I muttered, lips quivering under the words. I took a shaky exhale, looking at his pale skin and delicate fingers, I missed him.
I just ran in and hugged him, I hugged him so tightly I may have just strangled him.
But I didn't care, I didn't give a single fuck.
Anything to feel his heartbeat against mine and voice close to my ear.
"I missed you" I muttered, "I missed you so much," I repeated again and again and again and again.
I felt his weak touch hold onto me as well,
"I'm sorry." He muttered in a raspy tone. I didn't respond, I just enjoyed his warmth. Holding back the tears and anger.
Though, maybe the tears slipped out.
Fresh and clear, falling onto the hospital gown the other wore,
"I love you Atsushi, I love you so much." He muttered into my ear, breathing on my neck warmly.
"I.." I choked on my words, tears streaming down my cheek. "How much longer do...Do you have left..?" I muttered, still holding on as tightly to Ryunosuke. He went silent for a couple of moments.
"I....At most a month."
My breathing stopped
My fingers twitched uncontrollably,
Why.
"Why."
"..." He remained silent as if pleading guilty to a crime he regretted committing.
"Why," I asked more clearly, almost angry at him as if it was his fault.
"Because I'm stupid."
"What?"
"I didn't...I didn't take the treatment I should have. Everything is my fault. And I'm so so sorry." He squinted his eyes, trying to hold back his own tears.
I swallowed those words, digesting them only for them to make me feel sicker.
I wanted to pull away from the hug, yet somewhere inside of me said not to.
I was afraid that if I let go, he would disappear.
What happened to a happy ever after?
Finally letting go, I sat down on the seat beside the bed, looking at the tiled floor and my reflection.
There was a deafening silence that followed,
Only to be broken by a series of coughing.
"It's raining," I said blankly. Listening closely to the sounds of rain beginning to pour outside.
I felt a soft smile from the other arise,
"It's always raining."
Looking off to the side, I let out a deep sigh.
"Why didn't you ever tell me?" I asked, not even sure if I'd already asked it. Everything was so blurry, I'd probably forget I asked this as well.
"I was scared."
"Of what?"
"..." He sniffled a bit, making my own sadness deepen. I didn't want to look over, I couldn't look at him. If he was crying as well, I'd probably feel even worse. "Of losing you." He finally said, his words hanging in the cold atmosphere for moments to come.
I swallowed thickly, feeling my saliva hang in my throat, not really wanting to go on.
I felt a light pat on my shoulder, causing my gaze to lift over to him. His expression was so miserable, it made my soul dwell. Even though he held a soft smile, you could tell he was suffering. The way he squinted his eyes and his lips shivered slightly, he was trying so hard not to cry.
"Please don't leave me," He sounded like a small child, begging their father to stay when he's leaving for work in the morning; clingy and pouty.
"You'll never get to paint me," I said, eyebrows knitting together desperately, for the first time I got here I made eye contact with him. He laughed a bit, it was scratchy and abnormal, with a tint of sadness in it, but it made me smile a bit.
"No, I'll paint you. Just not here." He said, lifting his hand from my shoulder. It made me shiver, almost begging for his touch again. Instead, he placed it on my head, ruffling my hair a bit and enjoying the softness and fluffiness of it. At this point, it was beginning to get messy, I giggled a bit.
"What are you doing?" I smiled,
"Your hair is so soft!" He exclaimed, letting his fingers weave through strands of my hair so delicately.
"You're so weird!" I snickered, shaking my head a bit to get the hair back into its place.
"And you're so cute," He replied, letting his words hang for a bit, making me blush a bit.
"You too~," A said with a pink tint on my cheeks.
"Aww."
We talked and talked, it was almost like it was before.
Until the sun set, we just continued talking. Like in a faze,
Everything came to a halt when we heard a knock and the door opened though, revealing a tall man in a white suit.
"I know you two are having fun, but visiting time is closing."
I sat there for a couple moments, looked back to Ryunosuke as my full world caved in on me. I simply just nodded, getting up and taking slow steps.
"Bye." Ryunosuke said, still laughing a bit from our last conversation.
My lip twitched,
"Bye,"
A/N: sorry for a short chapter, i'll have another one out...soon...maybe? Thanks for reading!! <3