Bucky never used to worry. Not really. Steve was the worrier - worried about girls, about not getting his ass kicked, school, grades, his mother, everything. Not much used to bother Bucky, even after his parents passed away. He took care of his sister, the house - he took care of everything without a second thought. Now, all his brain does is spin out like the wheels on an out-of-control car. Bucky finds routine somewhat calming. He has lunch with Yori and eats the same thing every week at Izzy's. Usually, lunch makes him feel better, but not today. Today, he feels heavy. He's quiet. His mind replays Dr. Raynor's third rule and her idea for making amends. He had always planned to, but it was more of a long-term goal that he didn't have to think about immediately. He's simultaneously avoiding it and anxious to start. What a weird place to sit in, he thinks as he orders another beer.
Yori reads him the obituaries like he does every week, but Bucky can't seem to focus for longer than a few minutes at a time. His mind feels hazy, clouded by too many things at once. Is this what it means to have his mind back? Just a constant barrage of thoughts pummelling him until he wants to punch something? Yori looks over at him.
"You look annoyed."
"I always look annoyed," Bucky replies.
Sam is right. Bucky hates to admit it, but he is. His face naturally settles into that dead-eyed stare he used to do under HYDRA's control. It's become a reflex. Yori laughs. It makes Bucky crack a small smile.
"Okay, how about we talk about something good?" Yori asks.
Bucky sips his beer.
"All right."
"Tell me about that pretty girl you're seeing."
Bucky sighs and Yori punches him in the arm.
"Oh, don't make it sound so exhausting."
"It's not, it's just everyone wants to know about her."
"Because they care about you and want to see you happy. When was the last time you had a girlfriend?"
"80 years... give or take."
"That's a long time to be alone, James."
"I know."
Yori gestures for him to keep talking.
"So what's she like?"
Bucky sighs.
"She's uh... she's great."
"You can do better than that," Yori replies. "I saw the way you were looking at her the other night."
"Okay, okay. She's amazing. Is that a better descriptor?"
"It's more complimentary, yeah."
Bucky fiddles with his napkin, tearing it into tiny pieces.
"She makes me feel good. I haven't felt good in a long time. She understands me."
Yori smiles and puts his hand on Bucky's metal one. Bucky's whole body tenses.
"Love looks good on you, Bucky."
Bucky rolls his eyes and shakes his head.
"It's not love."
"Not yet."
"Anyone tell you you're a pain in the ass, Yori?"
"All the time," Yori chuckles.
"You'd get along well with my friend Sam," he mumbles, sipping his beer.
Yori and Bucky part ways and he finds himself bored, not wanting to go back to his apartment. He pulls his Tinder phone out of his pocket and messages Shannon.
How's work?
Ding! He grins.
Horrible.
How come?
Don't want to talk about it right now.
Bucky frowns. This is definitely not normal for her. She usually can't stop talking.
Are you on your break?
Yeah. I have 45 minutes left.
Be there in 10.
Bucky, no.
Shannon. Yes.
Lol. How are you going to get here in time?
Super soldier, remember?
Bucky darts into a back alley and looks around for anyone before leaping up, grabbing the fire escape, and swinging himself up to the roof. He proceeds to jump from building to building before getting to a street near Shannon's work. It takes all of five minutes. He's faster than he thought. Nobody seems to notice or care what he's doing, if they can see him at all, that is. He hears chatter from the street below, horns honking, and people swearing at each other in traffic. Bucky leaps down and sprints toward the restaurant. This is when people actually take notice. He skids to a halt in front of the building and takes a deep breath, pushing his hair back and heading inside. It's been a while since he's run like that.
The hostess is standing at the front looking bored and peeling red nail polish off of her nails. Bucky recognizes her from last week. He approaches and smiles.
"Hi. Carrie, right?"
Her eyes go wide and she immediately tries to hide her hands. Bucky chuckles.
"Yeah! Hi, James."
"Hi. Is Shannon around?"
"Yeah, she's on her break out back."
"Thanks." He begins to head toward the back of the restaurant, but Carrie grabs his arm and stops him.
"You might want to come back. She's not doing well."
"She asked me to come over."
"Oh!" Carrie suddenly looks embarrassed. "Oh, okay. Sorry. We're just... protective of her. She's family, you know?"
Bucky nods.
"I get that."
"I'll take you through the back," Carrie offers.
"Thanks."
He follows her into the restaurant and into the kitchen. He has to stop himself from lingering because it smells so good. Bucky reminds himself that he just ate. Carrie leads him to a large metal door and gestures toward it.
"She's just outside."
He nods and pushes it open. Shannon is sitting on a crate in her back t-shirt and black pants. She has tears running down her face and she's smoking a joint. She glances up at him and smiles sadly.
"Hi."
"Hey." Bucky gestures to the joint balanced precariously between her fingers. "I thought those were for headaches."
"I have an emotional headache," Shannon grumbles.
She seems distant, aloof, definitely not her usual self. Her eyes look different - sad, with a kind of emptiness in them that alarms him. Bucky is instantly on edge, not sure if he should be here. Maybe he overstepped his boundaries, got too comfortable. She's still talking to him, though, so that's a plus. For a second, he wonders if it's something he's done, but what could it be? Everything has been perfect for the past week. More than perfect. Bucky walks over and pulls up another crate, sitting next to her.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
She's been so sensitive, so willing to listen. It's only fair he does the same thing for her. Shannon sniffles and wipes her eyes, taking another puff. The smoke seeps out from between her plush lips and she blows it out in one clean stream before turning to him.
"I'm afraid you're going to hate me."
His muscles tense and his heart leaps into his throat. All he can manage is a dry, raspy one-word question.
"Why?"
"Because it involves Will."
"I'm confused."
Shannon sighs and puts her head in her hands. He hears her whisper a soft curse word.
"I sort of lied to you."
His stomach drops. Well, here it is, he thinks... the big flaw he was waiting for. Does Dr. Raynor just manifest this shit for him to deal with immediately after his sessions? Can he catch one fucking break for once in his life? Part of him wants to run immediately and his mind goes to the worst possible place, flipping through grotesque scenarios like photographs. He's afraid she's been using him, stringing him along. Or his mind goes to the most ridiculous place. Will is somehow still living with her, in her attic or closet like a troll. But that doesn't make sense, not when he thinks about it and searches the depths of his intuition. Bucky frowns and clasps his hands in front of him. Shannon doesn't attempt to reach out and touch him. Guilt, maybe? He's not sure. He's afraid to make the first move. Again.
"What do you mean?" He asks.
"I'm not divorced. Will and I are separated and he's been trying to reconcile things. I kept in touch with him because I have to, but I think I was too nice to him. I gave him too much hope. I just wanted to keep things civil between us because we still have to sign divorce papers. I know this stuff makes people a little crazy, but... he's been so different since the blip." She sighs. "I guess he came by here when I wasn't working one day and found out that you and I were seeing each other, and he got kind of pissed off. He left me another message."
"Pretty clingy for a guy who left you," Bucky grumbles.
She laughs, seemingly despite herself.
"Yeah. I thought so too."
She looks up at him and Bucky can't help the terror that swirls in his eyes. He's beyond confused. Is she about to dump him? Right here? While he sits on this dirty fucking crate in the middle of an alley? His heart pounds, his body still, yet desperate to leap up and start moving. Bucky stays still, stalling his anxiety. She takes a deep breath and takes one last pull on the joint before tossing it into a puddle.
"I filed for divorce five months ago. I intend on going through with it. Before you texted me, I called him and told him he had to come over to sign the divorce papers or I'd have to take him to court — and that's a lot of money that I don't have."
"How'd he take that?"
"Not well. Bucky, you have to know that I have no intention of taking him back."
He nods.
Bucky sighs and Shannon covers her face, crying. He reaches over and puts his hand on her back, rubbing it softly. His body courses with relief.
"Shannon..."
"I'm sorry I lied to you," she says through soft sobs. "I just didn't want to drag you into all of this, so I told you that Will was completely out of my life. The word divorce sounds a lot cleaner than the truth. I thought I could deal with this quietly and you'd just never know."
She lifts up her head. She's cried her mascara off. Bucky reaches over and brushes it away with a gloved hand.
"Are you mad at me?"
"I was more terrified than anything," he confesses.
"I know. I'm so sorry. Fuck. I should have just been honest. It's not like you and I are doing anything bad, right?"
"Right."
"It's not like I'm being unfaithful to Will. We're over."
"Does he think you're being unfaithful?"
She scoffs and hands him her phone with her email app open. Bucky barely gets through the first paragraph without wanting to crush it. He just reads the words "whore", "slut", and "fuck you" with a thousand exclamation points behind it. He hands it back to her, fuming.
"He's a hell of a communicator."
"Yeah," she laughs. "On a certain level, I understand, you know? He's angry. He has every reason to be. I moved on without him to this completely new life and treated him like a stranger."
"You thought he was gone."
"I know." She sighs. "Fuck."
"What? Is it him?"
"No," she laughs. "I just... I had this all planned out perfectly. I was working on luring him in and convincing him to sign these papers so that we could both move on. I want him to be free and I want to be with you."
"You didn't have to hide it from me," he says.
"I know!" Shannon exclaims. "I just got scared the deeper we got into this relationship. I really, really wanted you to like me! I wanted you to stay."
"I lied to you too."
"No, you didn't. You just didn't tell me - for good reason. I lied to you, and I shouldn't have."
He leans over and grasps her chin, kissing her softly.
"All's forgiven, doll. When is he coming over to sign these papers?"
"Tomorrow."
"I'll be there."
"Bucky, no."
"Yes."
"Great," she sighs. "Now I'll have two guys having a pissing contest in my apartment."
"That's disgusting. I would never destroy your hardwood floors like —"
"It's a metaphor, Buck," she sighs, exasperated.
He looks down and nods quietly.
"Sorry."
"No, I'm — I'm just overwhelmed." She leans into his shoulder, resting her head on it. "I'm sorry. I'm all high and not thinking clearly."
He laughs.
"Should you be working?"
"Probably not. I make good food when I'm stoned, though."
Bucky wonders if her explanation for the pot was a lie too; if she's using it as an escape mechanism. They're more alike than he originally thought.
"What time are you off?"
"Uhhh..." She checks her watch. "Two hours."
"Do you want to come to my place tonight?" He asks.
"What about Ace?"
"Bring Ace. There's a lot of new things to smell at my apartment."
Shannon laughs.
"Okay. I'm not cooking, though. We're ordering in."
"I was going to cook for you."
He wants to do something nice for her. Shannon has been nothing but kind and generous to him and she's a wreck. Bucky has always wanted to help people, but so rarely got the chance. Any act of kindness he can perform now is just a step toward his healing, and with Shannon, it means so much. It's the chance to show her how much he cares about her. He's not sure if he can cook, but he could probably figure it out.
She raises an eyebrow.
"I thought you only made oatmeal."
"I can figure it out."
She grins.
"Okay. I'm game. I just have to stop by my place and grab Ace and some clothes."
"Let me do that."
She flashes him a look somewhere in between discomfort and incredulous.
"What?"
"I can do it right now," he offers.
"I was waiting for this."
Now it's his turn to look confused.
"For what?"
She digs into her pocket and produces two small keys, one silver, and one gold."
"I had this cut the other day. They're the keys to my building and my apartment. I was sort of waiting for the right time to give them to you, but this seems like as good a time as any."
Bucky can't help the goofy smile that spreads across his face. Sprinting to this dirty alley was worth it.
"These are for me?"
Shannon nods and presses her lips to his.
"For you, handsome."
Bucky grabs her face and kisses her — a good and proper kiss, like the kind he sees in movies. She tastes like resin and pot with a hint of cherry from her lipgloss. He actually kind of likes it. Shannon's fingers grip the lapels of his jacket as she melts into him. She's so beautiful when she's helpless like this. The door opens beside them and he hears Carrie's voice, but he's not quite ready to break the kiss yet. Neither is Shannon.
"Shannon?"
He opens one eye to see her holding one finger up toward Carrie. Bucky chuckles and pulls back. Shannon lets out a soft, disgruntled whine.
"What's up, Carrie?"
"Table 4 is complaining about the steak."
"Christ," she whispers. Her exasperation at someone else makes him chuckle. "Buck, I gotta go."
"I'll see you in a couple of hours."
"I can't wait."
Shannon and Carrie walk inside and Bucky uses the alleyway to find his way back to the street. He turns his head and sees Sam standing on the corner talking on his phone. Bucky narrows his eyes and stares at him, knowing this is going to make him furious. Sam flinches and looks around. He feels eyes on him and slowly turns his head to look in Bucky's direction. Bucky watches him mouth the words "gotta go" before he hands up the phone and puts it in his pocket.
"Well, well, well!" Sam exclaims. "If it isn't my best friend!"
Bucky sighs.
"I'll indulge you this once. What are you doing here?"
"Veronica and I just had coffee — wait, did you just say you would indulge me calling you my best friend?"
Bucky nods.
"Yes!" Sam shouts. He lifts his hand up. "High five me."
"No."
"Can't win 'em all," he replies. "What are you doing here? You visiting Shannon?"
"Yeah."
"Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. I very stupidly agreed to cook for Shannon tonight."
Sam laughs. Hard. The kind of doubling over laughter he does that Bucky despises.
"Thanks."
"Sorry, dude, but you just don't seem like the type who would be good in the kitchen. I think it's all of the brooding and punching."
"I'm going to revoke that best friend pass I gave you earlier," Bucky quips.
"Buy takeout and pass it off as your own," Sam suggests, changing the subject - probably with the hope that Bucky will forget.
"Is that what you do?"
"No, I have life skills."
"Fuck you, Sam," he sighs. "I've got to pick some stuff up from her place and find something to cook."
Sam shrugs.
"Listen, I've got the afternoon off. You want company before you start cooking?"
"Sure," Bucky says. "You can tell me about coffee with Veronica."
"I knew I shouldn't have said anything. I was hoping your old cyborg brain would forget."
"I'm surprisingly quick for an old man."
Sam rolls his eyes as they head toward Shannon's apartment.