Song:
Thinking Bout You (Ariana Grande)
"But, at least I have the memory."
"I'm sorry, but this is obviously not working." Callisto sighed in exasperation covering her face with the pillow. Remus had been trying to jolt her memory by narrating stories and asking her random questions she should know the answer to for the past two hours. Up to then, little to no progress had been made. The only thing Callisto had been able to "remember" was Remus' favorite color, which was a lucky guess.
"Maybe we just need to find a trigger for your memories." Remus proposed, looking at the open book right in front of him. "It says here it needs to be a very powerful memory. Sometimes a traumatic memory is more effective because of the shock it creates. So, any ideas?"
"Hold up, loser." Callisto interjected, frowning. "Just because I asked for your help with this doesn't mean I want you messing with my shit."
"Okay, I understand." Remus muttered, looking up from the book. "Maybe a happy memory then. Do you know how to cast a Patronus?"
Callisto nodded, "Yeah."
"What does it look like?"
"Like a nosy boy. Would you happen to know anyone like that?" Callisto teased, enjoying the sour expression on his face. Over the past few days, they had spent most of their time together, trying to get Callisto's memory passed. He was nice to her; a bit distant emotionally, but she suspected that it was because of her lack of memories and not because he didn't like her company.
"No, not really." Remus answered, opening the drawer of her nightstand and pulling out her wand. "Give it a try."
"I don't want to." Callisto answered, taking the wand from his hand and putting it back in the drawer. "I'm too tired for spells."
"Callisto, you need your memories back!" Remus insisted, his eyes fixed on her. Yes, Callisto did need her memories back, but not because of the reasons every sensible human would think of. Remus wanted Callisto to get her memories back, so that she could remember what they had and how they weren't just friends. It was selfish, but he couldn't bear the anticipation for much longer.
"Why are you so pushy about it?!" Callisto questioned, annoyance flashing in her eyes. "The only reason I haven't collapsed right now is because of the medication and yet you keep making this harder for me. You think I don't want my memories back, Remus? I can't remember people you call my friends, or you for that matter. Why would I be like that if I had another choice? So, stop pressuring me and being up in my ass about it!"
"I'm sorry; I just-" He paused for a moment, trying to find the right words. "I just want my friend back."
Callisto didn't reply.
"You scared us all, Callisto." Remus started, feeling his eyes stinging. "And we weren't on exactly good terms when it happened. I thought I'd lose you and our last talk would have been a fight."
"It can't have been that bad." Callisto muttered, internally cringing at her attempt to comfort him. Oh, but it was that bad, Callisto just didn't remember. Remus didn't say anything. The worst thing that could happen now was angering her with her memory missing by telling her why they fought. "It's fine. I can try the spell."
"Are you sure?"
"No, but what the hell." Callisto sighed, gesturing for Remus to come closer to her. "Just don't accidentally kill me."
"If I ever kill you, be assured that it won't be accidentally."
"What a charmer." Remus smiled lightly at the response. It almost felt like the old times, when she had her memories and called him out with every chance she got. She pointed the tip of her wand in front of her, closing her eyes for a brief moment as if she was searching the memory.
From the moment she brought the memory to the forefront of her mind, she knew something was wrong. It was still a happy memory, there was no denying that but she couldn't channel it like all the previous times. It felt like she couldn't concentrate on it like before, the memory getting interrupted by sudden flashes accompanied by loud noise.
"I can't." Callisto mumbled, letting her wand down. "Something is wrong."
"Flashes?" Remus asked, looking down at his book. "It says here it's because of the memory loss."
"This is hopeless."
"No, it's not." Remus argued, handing her the book and pointing at the paragraph he was reading. "It says here that the flashes can be overcome with that spell. The only issue is that you can't do two spells at the same time."
"Can you do the spell?" Callisto asked, uncertainty lacing her voice. He had treated her more than nicely those past few days, even she had to admit it. And he did all that without making her feel uneasy about it either. It was a perfect balance of caring and knowing when he should leave her alone.
"Are you sure? I mean, I'll be able to see your memory."
"We're friends, right?" Callisto shrugged, managing a small smile. "Besides, if you go around talking I'll sew your lips together."
"Sounds painful."
"It is." Callisto taunted, her fingers grazing his lips. "It's a shame because yours are quite pretty."
"In that case I won't go around talking." He retorted, feeling his cheeks heat up under her gaze. The need to return back to his usual self overcame him and he pressed his wand on her temple, his hand laying on her shoulder to keep her still.
Being in someone's head was weird. Maybe it was because Callisto's head was so messed up with the memory loss, but it still felt wrong. It was as invasive to her privacy as it could go, but she didn't seem to mind. It felt as if his thoughts were replaced by her own, but he had no feelings towards the memories whatsoever. It was like a movie, but real.
He could tell she was struggling to concentrate. The moment she managed to conjure the memory he suspected she wanted, black flashes ensued and the scenery got replaced by images that appeared in seconds and sounds that were deafening one moment and disappeared the next.
Remus held on her shoulder tighter, focusing more on the spell and the memory she was trying to conjure. The image was blurry at first, as if she was unsure of its power, but it quickly became clearer and clearer. He was kind of surprised to see that Callisto's most cherished memory took place in a dark room that vaguely reminded him of her room back in the Lawsons. He could clearly see her, looking a bit younger than she did now, seated on the floor. She was humming along to a song playing in a small, battered radio while stirring a cup in front of her. On the bed, there was Nicholas looking at the small radio in awe as he tried to figure out what every single button did.
"I didn't want that song to play." Nicholas complained, frowning. "What the hell is wrong with this machine?"
"Shut the fuck up, please." Callisto muttered. There was a flash and Remus was barely able to make out the face of a woman in the darkness of the road.
"Shut the fuck up." The woman cried, before there was another flash and her voice drowned in the music coming from the original memory. Remus increased the strength of the spell, observing as Callisto's eyes closed tighter.
"No, thank you." Nicholas laughed, taking the pillow from behind his back and throwing it at her. Callisto ducked just on time and the pillow hit the door with a loud thud. "Should we make more noise? I don't think we've convinced them..."
"Drop condoms as you go to the kitchen table." Callisto mused, motioning for him to hand her the radio. "Leave a love trail, if you will."
"They don't know what condoms are." Nicholas mumbled, Callisto paying him no mind as she finally tuned in on a station and increased the volume. "Thank Merlin you do."
He took a cigarette and placed it between his lips, watching in amusement as Callisto rolled her eyes at the comment.
"Funny." Callisto muttered, not paying much attention to him as the sound of the music filled the room. Remus had heard the song before, but he couldn't recall the exact title. Callisto on the other hand looked like she was waiting for that song to play her entire life. The potion was abandoned in front of her as she got up and got on the bed, standing up before she started jumping up and down on the mattress.
"Get up!" She instructed, gesturing wildly. Nicholas got up and she took the cigarette from his fingers, putting it between her lips as she continued to jump up and down to the sound of music. Nicholas joined her, although a bit tense, but soon it was obvious that they were both relaxing for the first time in a long time. Callisto jumped up higher than before and landed on her back, laughing as Nicholas tripped over her leg and face planted on the mattress.
"You'll break the bed!"
"Isn't that what they want?"
Another flash ensued, the scenery emerging briefly being one that Remus knew all too well. His dorm at Hogwarts was probably the messiest room in existence, it couldn't be mistaken for someone else's. He felt Callisto trying to bring back the original memory, but there was no other flash to disrupt the memory unfolding in front of him. A memory he couldn't remember, but felt so familiar with.
He could clearly see himself on the bed, sleeping. He could see even more clearer Callisto looking frantically around his dorm, murmuring to herself an incoherent string of curse words. The dress she was wearing was etched on his mind, as the dress she put on and he took off that night.
"Motherfucker." Callisto mumbled, the clasp of her shoes slipping from her fingers as she turned around and took a glimpse of him. The shoe finally gave in her frantic movements and she got up from the floor, heading to the door with quick, silent steps.
And that was when she stopped.
And Remus couldn't understand why she would do that now but he certainly wouldn't understand it then either. She wanted to leave, that much was obvious. But she didn't. Or, she did but that didn't happen until she walked back to the bed and pressed a small kiss on his cheek.
Remus didn't have time to be surprised. Callisto muttered the spell and immediately, wisps of white and blue light erupted from her wand, dancing around them in no particular order. He looked at her, but she was clearly avoiding his gaze, her eyes glued on the Patronus that slowly hit steadily, starting to take the form of a wolf.
"Wait, that's the first time this happens!" Callisto blurted out, excitement in her voice as she watched the animal walking around her for a bit before it started to fade.
With the animal now disappeared, there was a silence between them that neither Remus nor Callisto knew exactly how to break.
Truth is, it was justified.
Callisto couldn't even understand what she had seen beyond her original memory and most importantly, she couldn't imagine what was truly going on either. In her eyes, she had kissed Remus (not even on the lips), and for some reason this was what made her happy enough to produce a full corporeal patronus for the first time. She had made peace with the fact she could probably never produce one like her friends last year, attributing everything to her bad habits and horrible DADA skills. But now, not only did she manage to produce a patronus, but it was a full one like the ones she had seen people demonstrate in the past. And for some reason, Remus was the reason for that.
Remus was just plain shocked. He couldn't remember the kiss, something which was ironic considering the nature of the situation. It was clear it had happened after that Gryffondor party, but he had assumed that Callisto just left without sparing him a second glance. Instead, not only did she hesitate to leave, but she kissed him and that was strong enough to allow her to create a patronus.
The patronus of a wolf.
The same patronus he could create and hated so much.
"Your patronus is a wolf." Remus stated, trying to look like what had happened was something usual. He was failing, but Callisto was too caught up in the excitement and confusion to notice.
"How cool is that?" Callisto pondered, smiling widely. "I thought it would be a stupid worm or something."
Remus wished his patronus was a stupid worm or something.
"Aren't you confused?"
"What? With the memory?" The girl asked, réalisation finally dawning up on her. If she was alone, she'd curl up in a ball and die from embarrassment. Remus was here though, and she couldn't risk getting more ashamed than what she was probably feeling.
"Yes." Remus answered, the need to run away becoming more and more intense. "The memory with...us."
Callisto raised an eyebrow, "You're asking me?"
"You kissed me."
That was a stupid thing to say.
"I kiss many people."
That was an even stupider thing to say.
"It's your Patronus memory, Callisto." Remus explained, the pleading tone in his voice practically begging her to explain something she didn't even remember happening. "Why is that memory important to you?"
I have no fucking idea, Remus.
She wanted to scream that to him, curse him out for asking explanations she couldn't provide. Instead, she improvised.
"Well, you said we're good friends." Callisto began, waiting for him to show any signs of approval. "I don't have many friends, so this was probably an act of platonic love. Doesn't have to be romantic."
We literally slept together, Callisto. Many, many times damn it.
"I thought so too." No, no he didn't. He was hoping it was romantic even for a moment. "Can you remember anything else?"
"No, I don't think it worked." Callisto answered, smiling lightly as she let her wand on the nightstand next to her. "Remus."
"Yeah?"
"Did I make it weird?" She asked, feeling her cheeks heat up. "You've been nice to me, albeit a bit annoying. I don't want you to stop talking to me or get the wrong idea because of a stupid Patronus."
"No, it's not weird. I was just surprised." He answered, watching as relief washed over her face. He truly wasn't weirded out. He just couldn't figure out what this meant for her.
He knew his feelings very well. He hadn't admitted those feelings to anyone, but he knew and that was all that mattered. What had started out as an idea of an infatuation had turned into full blown falling in love with her. That much was clear already.
But her? He couldn't figure her out. Maybe she had feelings for him too. If that was true once upon a time, they had most likely been forgotten by now.
Remus hesitantly put his hand on hers, embracing the goosebumps that erupted instead of running away from them.
"Everything will be fixed soon. Just have a bit of patience."
~ ~ ~
Someone told me that the song is about masturbation, so now you all have to go through the five stages of grief I went through when I realized it makes sense.