TW: Abortion and baby loss.
****
As I stood outside the hospital doors, my stomach a mass of nerves and disappointment, it eventually sunk in how much pressure I was going to have to endure today. Part of me was ready to turn away, completely change my mind but remembering the real reason why I was doing this, I entered the clinical building, knowing I was going to leave feeling a lot different.
Admittingly, it hasn't been an easy ride to get to this stage. Two days ago, I had to go through an assessment, which required me to give a detailed explanation as to why I've made this choice. I was also spoken to about the risks and complications that may occur, as well as needing to have a blood test and as much as the process was rather scary, it still didn't sway my decision.
So here I was, ready to face this appointment and everything it was going to entail. Strolling over to the desk, I was greeted by a rather cheery looking woman. She had blonde hair, which was of shoulder length and curly. A pair of thick-framed glasses sat on her face and her lips were painted a shade of ruby, topped with a layer of lip-gloss. "Good morning. What can I help you with?" She asked, a prominent smile on her face.
"Uhm hi..." I breathed out, pausing to find the right words to say. "I'm booked in for an abortion at 10am." I whispered, not wanting everyone to know my business.
"What's the name please, love?" She queried, poising her fingertips over the keyboard for her computer. "I need your full name, including your middle name if you have one..."
"Lindsay Marie Byrne..." I stated clearly, hearing the clicking of the keys as she typed in my name and searched the database.
Watching her click infrequently upon the mouse, I heard the whirring of the printer, wheeling her chair over to it and retrieving the piece of paper. Picking up a clipboard, she attached the sheet to it as she placed it on top of the desk, popping a biro pen on the top.
"I'm going to need you to fill in this form..." She explained, glancing up at me occasionally. "Once you've answered all relevant questions, please hand it back in at the desk and we'll get you seen as soon as possible for your appointment."
Thanking her, I took the clipboard and went to take a seat, briefly taking in my surroundings. For a department that specialises in abortions, I was surprised to see that this many woman choose to take the route. I could sense several different emotions circulating the room; despair and relief being only a few.
Turning my attention to the form, I read over the questions before answering them truthfully, wanting my responses to be as accurate as possible. Double checking over the answers, I handed it back in at the desk before sitting back down, fiddling around with my fingertips as I waited to be called for my appointment.
Hopefully, I won't have long to wait.
****
The time now read 11am, meaning the surgery were now running an hour behind schedule, which was subsequently making me feel a lot more anxious than I already felt. To help pass the time, I picked up a magazine, noticing that the only ones available were parenting related. Finding it a bit insensitive, I reluctantly opened it up, flicking through the pages and paying more attention to the pictures as opposed to the information.
A short while later, a doctor entered the waiting room, carrying a folder under their arm. "Lindsay Byrne?" He called, my eyes pricking up at the sound of my name.
Placing the magazine down, I picked up my bag and approached the doctor, shaking his hand politely. Following him down the long, white walled corridor, we entered a room, him taking a seat at his desk while I took a seat opposite him, the environment making me feel a little uncomfortable.
"I understand you must be feeling uncomfortable, but I promise you I will make this situation as simple and straightforward as I can..." He told me, pulling some notes out of my folder. "Now, judging from your case notes, you are under seven weeks pregnant. Is that correct?" He queried, allowing me to nod in response. "In cases under seven weeks, we terminate pregnancies via the use of two different pills..." He started explaining, leaning down into his drawer and pulling out a leaflet. "The first pill you will take here, at the hospital, which contains a drug called mifepristone. This particular drug helps to block the pregnancy hormone, preventing the foetus from growing any bigger. Any questions so far?"
Despite all the newfound knowledge I had to take in, I responded with, "No, I don't think so..." which allowed him to carry on with his explanation.
"So, after you've taken the first pill, you will be free to go by your day and continue with any activities you've got planned. Then tomorrow morning, you will need to take another tablet called misoprostol, which can be taken either vaginally or orally..." He continued, eyeing me for a moment. "The purpose of that is to help make your uterus contract, allowing the pregnancy tissue to break down and eventually shed away. It normally takes between 4-6 hours for that process to begin but in some women, it can start sooner." He described and it just seemed like I was going to have a period of some description. "You will experience heavy bleeding and quite painful cramping but it should pass after a couple of hours. Do you understand? If you do begin to experience any cramping, it is safe to use over the counter medication to treat your pains and it won't counteract the termination medication."
Not really knowing how to answer, I nodded, thinking it was the only logical thing to do at the time. With that, I watched him stand up from his desk, returning moments later carrying a white, plastic cup and two tablets, each one wrapped up in packaging.
"Here is the first pill..." He stated, handing it to me, retrieving it from his fingertips. Popping it out of the packaging, I placed it into my mouth, swallowing it down with a mouthful of water. "...and here is the second one. As you can see, the packaging is rather small so I suggest you keep it in a safe place to prevent yourself from losing it..."
Doing as I was told, I slipped the second tablet into my make-up bag, knowing it would be one of the first places I'd look in the morning. Before I left, he went through some general advice with me, telling me what I needed to do if an emergency occurred. Agreeing to everything he said, he gave me the all-clear, allowing me to step out of the room and walk the short distance to the exit.
Strolling out into the crisp air, I made the short journey to the bus-stop, wanting nothing more than to go home. I told Sian I was going to come in after my appointment but I just don't feel like it, especially because I didn't want to leave dad on his own for so long.
If you asked me how I was feeling right now, I don't think I'd be able to explain it. Hopefully, this ordeal will be over by the end of tomorrow...
...although I already knew that the emotional/mental effects would stay with me for longer.
****
The following morning, I woke up feeling rather positive about the day ahead, even though I had the looming fact that I was going to terminate my whole pregnancy by the end of today hanging over my head.
Climbing out of bed, I completed my everyday morning routine, which consisted of taking a quick shower and brushing my teeth. Re-entering my room, I pulled a clean set of uniform out of my wardrobe before I quickly dried my hair, popping some mousse into it for a bit of volume.
Retrieving my make-up bag, I emptied the contents onto the floor, coming across the second pill that I needed to take. Picking it up, I popped it out of the packaging and placed it on my tongue, swigging it down with a glass of warm water that had been sat on my bedside all night, the taste of it making me feel nauseous.
'I suppose that's it now,' I mentally thought, my brain coming to the conclusion that I was, in fact, terminating my unborn child.
I just hope that whatever happens from here will be a quick process because I just want to forget about everything that's happening...
...even though it will probably come back to bite me.
****
Skipping breakfast, mostly for the fact I didn't fancy anything, I took my dad a plate of toast and a cup of tea up to his room, setting them down on his bedside table. Giving him a quick kiss on the cheek, he wished me a good day at school before I left, closing the door to his room softly behind me.
Dashing downstairs, I heard Sian say; "Lindsay, are you ready to go? We're sort of in a rush..." just before there was a knock at the door.
"Yeah, in a minute..." I replied, strolling over to the door and pulling it open, revealing my boyfriend stood the other side. "Finn! What are you doing here?" I asked, my face expressing complete and utter shock.
"Good morning to you as well..." He joked, chuckling light-heartedly as he placed a kiss to my cheek. "I thought you might've wanted to walk to school with me. It's been ages since we've done that." He commented and to be honest, he had a point.
With that, Sian appeared at the door, clutching a number of bags in her hands. "Well, I was just about to catch a lift in with Mrs. Diamond..." I responded before she stopped me from going any further.
"Oh don't worry about me! You walk in with Finn..." She reasoned, even though I knew she was doing it on purpose. "It'll give you a chance to talk about things..." Was her parting sentence as she stepped away from us, bounding down the concrete steps and over to her car.
The two of us watched her pull away, standing in an awkward silence at the top of the steps. In order to break the silence, I spoke up. "Let me just grab my bag and then we'll go?" I suggested, gaining a nod in answer.
Quickly heading back inside, I collected up the items I needed before I left, closing the front door behind me. It wasn't long until I felt Finn's hand in mine, our fingers interlocked together as we began the journey to school.
"What was Mrs. Diamond on about when she said, 'Have a chance to talk about things?'" He questioned, turning the corner, resulting in me needing to come up with some excuse.
"Oh, nothing important..." I lied, shutting down the conversation quicker than it was cropped up.
'Come on Lindsay, you can lie for a few more hours', my brain told me...
...even though, I already knew I was slowly on my way to breaking point.
****
I was currently sat in Music with Mr. Wilding and the doctor wasn't wrong when he said the pain would be excruciating! It's been around 4 and a half hours since I took the second pill and I already knew this was my body's way of telling me that I was, actually, losing the baby.
Towards the start of the process happening, the cramps were mild but for the past 15 minutes, they've been so strong to the point where I thought, for a second, that I was in actual labour(I mean, I know I've never actually been through labour but this is what I imagined the pain to feel like!)
Feeling another wave of pain course it's way through my body, I leapt out of my chair, wincing at the agony that my whole frame was enduring. "Are you okay?" I heard Madi ask because she was sat at the side of me. "You look as if you're in pain..."
"I am!" I yelped out, rushing to my feet and leaving the classroom, not even asking if I could be excused.
"Lindsay!" I heard Mr. Wilding call but I ignored him. "Lindsay!" He repeated but I remained oblivious, heading in the direction of the closest female toilets.
Dashing inside, I locked myself in a cubicle and immediately checked for any blood. Knowing that my instincts were correct and I was, in fact, losing the baby, I cleaned myself up and popped a sanitary towel on, not knowing how long this part of the process went on for. I decided to treat it like a really heavy period because it's the only 'realistic' scenario I could relate it to.
Pulling up my trousers, I walked out the cubicle and over to the sinks, turning on the tap and washing my hands thoroughly. Taking a look at my reflection in the mirror, I couldn't help but notice how sunken my eyes looked, obviously an indication about how much of a journey I'd actually endured to get to this stage.
It was then, in that moment, I actually understood exactly what had happened to my body. I'd terminated a pregnancy, something in which I'd made the choice to do. I'd ended a life of a child that could have been given the best start in life, had I only spoken to Finn and discussed our options as a partnership. However, I chose to take the selfish route and make a decision based on what I wanted, not what could have worked out best for both of us!
Consumed by the guilt I was feeling, I felt tears start falling from my eyes, landing into the sink basin beneath me. Hearing the squeak of the hinges of the toilet door, I splashed my face with water, so whoever came in wouldn't see me crying and question me. At the sound of footsteps, I turned my head, seeing Lauren stood about a foot away from me, looking at me in concern.
"You alright?" She asked, taking a couple of steps closer to me. "Madi told me what happened so I just came to check on you..."
"Yeah, I'm fine..." I sniffled, painting on a fake smile as I dried my hands. "I've just began my monthly's, that's all."
"Have you been crying?" She questioned, obviously recognising the puffiness of my eyes and blotchiness of my cheeks.
"Yeah but I don't know why though..." I responded, fabricating the truth. "I think it's just my hormones!"
Leaving the bathroom together, I saw her head off in the direction of our lockers but I stayed stood in the same place, hoping she wouldn't turn around but of course, she did. "What are you doing?" She quizzed, giggling a little at my weirdness.
"I just need to go and speak to Mrs. Diamond. I'll come and find you and the others in a bit..." I told her as I turned on my heels and headed in the direction of the Science block.
Lauren's P.O.V
Seeing Lindsay walk away that sheepishly, I knew something was up but I just didn't know what it could be.
Hanging back, I waited until she was out of sight before I followed her, eager to know why she was acting so weird because as her friend, I wanted to support her through everything, no matter how big or small.
Lindsay's P.O.V
Taking as many shortcuts as I could, I'd finally arrived at Mrs. Diamond's classroom, noticing that she wasn't in the middle of teaching, which I was thankful for.
Knocking upon the door, she called me inside, standing to her feet once she'd realised it was me. "Hello Lindsay, is everything okay?" She asked, her face expressing a concerned look.
"It's happened!" I sobbed, running over to her and throwing myself into her arms. "I've lost the baby!"
"Okay, it's alright..." She whispered, caressing my chocolate brown locks. "Come on, take a seat and tell me what's happened..." She ordered, shuffling me over to one of the stools at the front of the classroom before she sat on the one opposite me.
"I...I...I started having really strong cramps during my lesson and when I went to the toilet, there was all blood everywhere and now that's actually happened...I don't know what to do..." I cried, my words rushed by emotion. "I should have told Finn, I should have told him. At least if I had, I wouldn't be facing this alone..." I rambled, my head in a scramble.
"You mean, you didn't tell him on your way to school?" She questioned, making me shake my head in response. "Do you feel ready to tell him now?" Was her next question but I continued shaking my head furiously, the thought of doing so making me nauseous. "Okay, it's clear to me that you aren't well enough to be in school so I need you to go home and rest..." She told me as I opened my mouth to speak but she carried on before I had a chance to. "Don't worry about the rest of your lessons. I'll speak to your teachers and make up some excuse but it's not doing you any good being here. Do you understand that?"
"Yes..." I mumbled, wiping away a few remaining tears that fell. "Thank you Sian, for everything..."
"You're welcome." She smiled, touching my hand comfortingly. "Now, go and get yourself home. We'll speak more about this when I get back."
Thanking her one last time, I left her classroom, picking up my bag as I did so. Heading for the exit, I knew that I would definitely need to tell Finn but the truth was...
...I didn't know how to!
Lauren's P.O.V
Hearing the sound of the classroom door opening, I hid behind the nearest place I could find, not wanting my cover to be blown.
Watching Lindsay's figure pass by the crack in the doorframe, I popped my head around it, realising the coast was clear. I can't believe she was pregnant and didn't tell anyone! Not even me, her best friend! I mean, how long had she even known about it?
Aware that Finn was also oblivious to the fact his girlfriend was pregnant, I knew I needed to tell him, not being able to hide such a massive secret from him. Pulling the door open, I stepped through it as I ran up to the common room, realising that I had to find Finn before someone else did.
Swinging open the door, I saw Josh and Finn sat by a computer, the two of them laughing over something that probably wasn't even that funny. "Finn!" I yelled, darting over to where they were sitting, taking a second to catch my breath. "I've got something to tell you..." I admitted before pausing, trying to come up with the best way to break the news to him.
I watched him look over at Josh, the pair of them confused at what was happening right now. "Well spit it out then!" He exclaimed, obviously annoyed by the fact I was taking so long to admit what I needed to say.
Realising there was no easy way to say it, I just decided to speak the truth. "Lindsay had an abortion Finn..." I announced, watching his mouth fall open in despair. "She was pregnant..."
****
A/N-I'll admit, I really struggled to write this chapter, probably because I've included such a sensitive topic. I did a fair amount of research before writing this chapter, making sure I got the majority of the facts correct.
I really hope I did the whole topic of abortion/baby loss justice and if not, I whole-heartedly apologise. My aim when writing chapters is to come up with the best content I can and I just felt that this particular topic was the best one to tackle to take my story to the next level.
Can I also say how grateful I am for 900+ reads! The fact that some of you have invested in this story means the world to me and I hope it continues! You really are the best! 😘