Here we go. I really hope you guys like it! Can't wait to see the comments. It's a long update, but I couldn't bear to cut it!
Happy Reading!
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Kai could feel her emotions roiling through her. From the time she was a youngling, ninety years ago, she had been trained to keep her emotions at bay. Now she couldn't control them and it felt like she was being torn into pieces. She didn't understand why she wasn't just happy. John was alive, she should just be happy. None of it made any sense. And because it didn't make sense, she shut it out.
She knew Beckett would keep John in the infirmary until he cleared John medically. Which meant Kai had a couple hours to figure out what was wrong with her. Moving through the empty corridors of Atlantis she didn't know what she needed. She headed towards her room to change out of the tactical gear and be alone. She turned the corner outside her door and nearly bumped into Zelenka.
"Radek," she greeted in surprise. It was late, most of Atlantis was sleeping.
"Kai," he said with a nod.
"Is everything okay?" She asked.
Zelenka nodded a few too many times. "I was just coming to check on you and make sure it was," he said in his thick accent. "I heard you were back. Is Colonel Sheppard-" he started to ask, studying her face closely for a reaction.
"In the infirmary," Kai told him, but when she saw the look of concern on his face she quickly continued. "He's not injured, Beckett just needed to run some tests."
"Yes, I heard from Rodney about his good fortune, but I was coming to check on you. Are you all right?" He asked gently.
Kai felt a burning behind her eyes at Zalenka's gentle question. Her eyes widened. What was wrong with her? John was fine, everything was fine. She had never had this kind of emotional reaction before.
As though he understood, Radek gave Kai a gentle smile and pulled her into a sweet but awkward hug. He patted her on the back gently and stepped back. "It's been a long day," he said. "With difficult decisions. You'll feel better in the morning. Everything will not seem so overwhelming," he promised her. He rested his hand on her shoulder. "I'm glad the Colonel is all right," he told her.
Zelenka had never once mentioned the Colonel to her, not once in all the time they worked together had he implied he disapproved or even noticed their growing feelings for one another. But for some reason his opinion mattered to her when Doctor Weir's and McKay's, and everyone else in authority didn't. His kindness and acceptance mattered. Just as it always had from the beginning. Radek was the first person on Atlantis to welcome and accept her for who she was without question. He had never cared about her past. That meant something. He was a true friend.
Kai sniffed and nodded, not trusting herself to respond. Her throat felt thick with emotion and she knew if she spoke any of the words she felt, she would cry.
"Try to get some sleep," Radek suggested and he left her alone.
Kai exhaled a shaky breath and went into her quarters. She dropped down on the bed and felt the first warm sting of tears on her cheeks. She jerked to her feet as though she had been stuck, slamming the Bond closed as hard as she could. She needed to get control. She paced the short distance across her room but the space was too small, too confining. She needed to move. Kai tossed her utility belt onto her bed and left her quarters, headed to the gym.
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John knew Beckett would insist on running every test known to man, he had just hoped it wouldn't take all night. Something was wrong with Kai, he could feel it, like a radio playing in the next room. It had to be the Bond, cluing him in, but he had no idea how to make it work. She was upset and he couldn't tell what she was feeling, it was all jumbled together and the harder he tried to pick it up the faster it slipped away. It filled him with a restless anxiety, a need to check on her and be with her. To reassure both her and himself that he was fine. But he was stuck here.
"Colonel are you listening to me?" Beckett asked a little sharply.
John jerked and turned a guilty expression back to the doc. "Sorry doc."
"I thought not," Carson huffed. "I was saying that we are just waiting on the initial bloodwork. If it's all clear I'll release to sleep in your own quarters tonight while we wait on the rest. You could use some good rest."
"Whatever you say doc," John said flippantly. He didn't necessarily agree with the doctors assertion that he needed rest. Since the Wraith did...whatever he did, John felt almost jittery with unspent energy. He felt better than he had in years.
"Well that doesn't sound like the world's worst patient," Elizabeth called, flashing a pleased smile as she came into the room.
John looked up. "Who me?" He asked.
Carson huffed beside him. "Yes, you."
"It's good to see you looking like yourself," Elizabeth said. She took a moment to study his features, looking for any additional lines or grey hairs.
"Yep, good as new thanks to my wraith buddy," John said flippantly.
"Carson, do we know how he was able to do that? Or any long term effects?" Elizabeth pushed.
"Not yet," Carson said. "I don't even have the preliminary results yet."
"Of course," Elizabeth said. She turned back to John. "How are you feeling?"
"Right as rain," John said a little impatiently. He didn't want to be sitting here anymore. He needed to check on Kai.
"Well, once you are back, you and I have a few things to discuss," Elizabeth said. "The first being your order that we leave you there, and the second being-"
John felt a sudden spike of pain in his chest. He reached up grabbing at it, jerking in surprise. "Kai," he gasped her name before he could stop himself.
"Colonel!" Carson called moving to his side.
"John!"
John blinked as the pain vanished as quickly as it had come, but an emptiness filled it's place. It was an emptiness he knew all too well, but it didn't mean it hurt any less than the pain had. Kai had closed the Bond.
John immediately began pulling the monitors off his body.
"Colonel stop, we need to know what happened," Carson said quickly.
"I already do doc, I was there. I need to go," John said. He reached over to the side table and grabbed his shirt, shrugging it on. "You'll have to run the rest of your tests tomorrow."
"John," Elizabeth said sharply.
John glanced at her but didn't stop. He bent down and began lacing up his shoes.
"It was Kai, wasn't it?" Elizabeth pressed, crossing her arms over her chest.
"What is going on between Kai and I isn't your business," John growled reaching for his other boot.
"It is when she announced to the entire gate room that you two are Bonded," Elizabeth snapped impatiently.
John froze with a frown. "Kai did what?" He asked in surprise. Kai was normally so private. It seemed out of character.
"It wasn't like that," Beckett filled in quickly. "She was upset."
"That doesn't excuse it or any of her behavior while you were away," Elizabeth said.
"Elizabeth," Carson started, "I think we can under-"
"Don't," Elizabeth interrupted sharply. "Don't think I didn't notice that you weren't surprised to hear about the Bond," Elizabeth warned Carson. Then she turned back to John. "That pain you just felt, it's the Bond isn't it?" She asked turning away from Carson's soft eyes. If she let him speak, she would never be able to hold on to her anger.
John clenched his teeth. "I need to go check on Kai," he said turning to go.
"No," Elizabeth snapped. "It's your duty to tell me all that is happening. I need to know-"
"Well it's a good thing I'm not fit for duty until my tests come back. Thanks Doc!" John called over his shoulder and he walked out the door.
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John tried Kai's quarter's first. The lights were on and though it was the middle of the night it was obvious her bed hadn't been slept in. Turning away he knew of a handful of places she might go to be alone with her thoughts, but the gym was his first stop. She had been spoiling for a fight on the Genii planet. Not only had he stopped her from killing the wraith, but they hadn't found Kolya either.
He didn't see anyone else in the hallways, and though he couldn't see any lights on inside the gym he decided to check it anyway. He waved his hand in front of the scanner and the door slid open with a hiss.
The gym's lights were set to night setting, although he supposed with her Mortii eyesight she didn't need the overhead lights on anyway. Kai was in the middle of a complicated strike sequence that sent one of the rubber dummies skidding across the mats. She whirled on the hanging bag, and delivered a ruthless spin kick that sent it swinging.
John let out a low whistle looking down at the dummy. "I wouldn't want to be whoever you were pretending that was," he quipped.
Kai looked up at him with guarded eyes and he bit back the humor. Now wasn't the time for jokes. He glanced down at the dummy meaningfully. "Was that supposed to be me?" he asked apprehensively.
"No," Kai responded briskly, turning back to the large hanging punching bag that was still swinging. "Some other dummy," she grumbled half under her breath as she swung at the bag, landing a powerful strike.
John nodded and moved to hold the bag so it wouldn't swing. Kai was putting all of her power into her strikes.
"Can't sleep?" he asked after a few moments.
"Nothing new," Kai responded, grunting as she did a right cross followed by an elbow strike.
John grunted in agreement but didn't say anything. If he started talking she wouldn't. He needed to wait her out.
Kai swung at the bag a few more times until her breathing picked up and all she could hear pounding in her ears was her own heartbeat. She took a deep breath and let her hands drop to her side. "I was terrified I had lost you today," she said honestly. She was terrified to look at John after admitting such weakness. She should have been able to maintain control and find him.
John let go of the bag and stepped around it to face her. He reached out to her an cupped the side of Kai's face, forcing her to make eye control. There were so many emotions in her swirling grey eyes, he wasn't sure where to begin.
"Turn it back on," John said, his voice raspy.
"What?" Kai asked with a frown.
John reached up and touched the center of his chest. "I want Kai radio back, turn it back on."
Kai stared down at where John had touched his chest. It was exactly where the wraith had fed. She cocked her head to the side and reached out, laying her palm over the exact spot. She could feel his heart pounding beneath the muscular planes of his chest. He looked fine, and she knew Beckett wouldn't have cleared him if he wasn't sure. But part of her wouldn't believe it until she saw for herself.
John looked down at Kai. Instead of opening the Bond back up, she was staring at where her hand rested over his chest. "I'm fine," John promised her.
Kai nodded, but she didn't look convinced. "Do you know Kolya videoed all of the times that Wraith fed on you? He sent them here to us..."
John could see the hollow, far away look of genuine fear slide through Kai's eyes. He hated he had once again been the one to put it there.
"Hey, hey," John said quickly stepping closer to Kai. She hadn't looked into his face since she touched him. She lifted her other hand up to rest against his chest beside her first.
She scowled and then fisted her hands in his shirt. When she lifted her eyes they were swimming with tears. "I thought-" she started to say and stopped herself.
She was better than this, stronger. She and John didn't live in a safe world. They each knew the score. Every time they stepped through the gate could be the last. They both knew and accepted it. Just because they had admitted their feelings for one another didn't change that...and yet, somehow, it changed everything. For the first time in her long life Kai had allowed herself something worth losing. She had opened herself up and made herself vulnerable. There was no going back, she wouldn't give John up, and Kai was no coward.
She opened the Bond.
John sucked in a surprise breath as Kai's emotions swirled around him. He felt the warm pulse in his chest and exhaled in relief. He hadn't lost her. He gathered her up into his arms and pulled her into his chest. She went willingly, tucking herself into him. This was not a side of Kai he was used to seeing. She looked so vulnerable standing there. As he held her he could feel the slight tremble shaking her small frame. He let himself rest his cheek on top of her scarf covered hair. The soft midnight fabric smelled like her.
He knew how hard it was for her to talk about her feelings, and because she had showed him this vulnerability he repaid the favor. "I was pretty scared I wasn't going to see you again too," John told her.
She snorted, feeling suddenly how weak she must appear to him. She moved to pull away, but John took hold of her upper arms and looked down at her. "Kai-" he started, but he didn't know how to put into words what he felt.
Kai rubbed a hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry," she said quickly. "I'm just overtired."
John leaned forward and pressed his forehead against hers. "Don't do that," he begged. He could feel Kai scowl but he refused to let go. "Don't pull away from me anymore."
"I'm done pulling away," Kai promised him.
"But you closed the Bond," John said.
"I just-" Kai started to say and stopped herself. "I needed to get my head sorted out. I wasn't pulling away from you," she promised and to prove her point she pushed the Bond open a little further. "I had a talk with Radek and he made me realize a few things."
"What's that?"
"He said it was a day of difficult decisions," she said. "But it wasn't. All of my decisions were so easy. Everyone knows about the Bond now, and I'm done pretending like it doesn't matter to me. Like you don't matter to me," Kai said honestly. "I want this. But if you're not ready...or with your career..." she dragged off as John locked gazes with her.
John pulled back to stare down into Kai's eyes in wonder. He had never imagined her saying something like that to him. "I want this," John agreed quickly. "I want you," he corrected, but he didn't make the first move. He wouldn't. He needed to be sure Kai was ready and this was what she wanted.
Kai hesitated for a moment, staring up into John's eyes. She had honestly thought she lost him. She rested a hand on his chest and pushed herself up on her toes and brushed her lips against his. She had intended it to be a tender, gentle kiss. One to remind her he was there, but the second they kissed it was like the Bond flared to life with a mind of its own and an electrical current ran through them.
John growled low in his throat and deepened the kiss. He brought his hands up to her hips and pulled her more tightly against his chest. Kai answered with equal enthusiasm. She wrapped her arms around his neck. John turned them and backed her up until she hit the wall. Kai moaned as he slid his tongue along hers. He shaped his hands over her back and he took another step, pressing into her space. Kai threaded her fingers through his hair as she felt him pressed against her. She locked a leg around his hip and ground against him. John made a rough noise in his throat and locked his hands around her hips and lifted her up. Kai wrapped her legs around his waist and deepened the kiss. John pressed her back against the wall and Kai moved her hands from his neck, down to the bottom of him shirt. She needed more.
John pulled his head back, gasping. "We need to get out of here, or we're going to do this right here."
Kai could hardly think straight. Her whole body was tingling and restless. "Your quarters." She said with a sharp nod.
John let her slid down the front of his body as he lowered her to the floor. Kai made a small sound in her throat as he rubbed against her. It was almost enough to make his control snap. He wanted her more than he had ever wanted anyone. And with the Bond wide open, all of his senses were full of Kai.
John laced his fingers with hers and pulled her after him. He strode quickly through the halls with his pulse pounding in his ears and the feel of Kai all around him. There would be no going back after this, but they were both done waiting, done holding back.
When the door slid closed behind Kai, John turned back around to face her. Kai had expected the same heat as in the gym, but instead John moved agonizingly slowly.
He reached up and ghosted his fingers along her face before reaching for her scarf. He hesitated, unsure how to remove it and Kai's lips quirked. She reached up and pulled it off her head, spilling her long dark hair around her shoulders. John sank his fingers into the silky waves.
She unbuttoned his shirt, matching his pace and revealing inch after delicious inch of tan and toned skin. She shoved his shirt off his muscular shoulders and heard it hit the ground. Knowing it was her turn, she reached for the edge of her shirt.
John reached out and covered her hands with his. "Are you sure?" John asked. He knew it was a big deal for her people to remain covered. He didn't want her to do anything that made her uncomfortable.
"A Mortii only shares the story of their skin with their Bonded," Kai said, and she jerked her long sleeve shirt over her head and tossed it aside.
John sucked in a breath. Kai was so damn beautiful and she didn't even know it. Her skin was pale and lovely. There were silver slashes from old knife scars across her torso, but it didn't detract from her beauty. Instead, it reminded him who she was and all she had overcome.
Strong, formidable, determined. That's how he would have described her before. Now he would add passionate. And gentle. His Kai could be so kind it made his heart hurt, but she was slow to show it, and it terrified him that she placed all of her trust in him. He had screwed relationships up so badly in the past, he didn't want to screw this one up. Not for anything.
He glided just the tips of his fingers over the soft skin on her sides, making her shiver. He flashed her a pleased grin and reached down for her belt. He wanted to see all of her. It was like unwrapping a present on Christmas. But it was one no one else would ever see. Just him. She was his, just as he was her's. In that moment he truly felt the importance and the meaning of the Bond and just how deep it could go. It went so much deeper than any relationship he had ever had in the past. And the difference was, he wanted it to.
Kai jolted and sucked in a surprise breath as the Bond somehow opened wider than it ever had before. It was like a blast of warmth and passion. In that moment she could feel everything between them. She could feel John, his emotions, like music coming from another room. She could feel his sincerity, but also his reverence. How deeply he cared for her. She had never considered before what a gift the Bond could be. Going forward she would never have to doubt how John felt for her. She could feel it when he touched her.
She slid her hands across his chest, up around his neck and pulled his head down for a passionate kiss. He groaned and slid his hands over her bare skin making her shiver. She pushed against him, backing him up to the bed. He sat down abruptly breaking the kiss and looked up at her with an impish gleam in his eyes.
She loved it. She climbed onto his lap. He grinned against her lips before deepening the kiss. His hands gripped her, holding her too tightly. She moaned into his mouth and when she was soft and pliant he rolled them over so he was on top.
Kai reached between their bodies. The playfulness was gone now, she just needed John. She needed to feel him. He stood for a second and stepped out of his boots and pants.
He could feel Kai's eyes as she ran them over his body. He had never been terribly vain before, but the gleam of satisfaction he saw in her eyes and felt in his chest made him glad he spent so much time in the gym. He stripped off her pants and underwear in a rough jerk, pulling her across his narrow bed. Kai giggled, but when he crawled back up her body, the smile on her face stilled. She reached up and cupped the side of his face and brushed a gentle, soft kiss across his lips. He hesitated for a second, locking eyes with her in a moment of stillness, then he slid home.
Kai threw back her head with a shout. Through the Bond it was like he was everywhere. Every one of her senses was filled with him. He twisted his hips playfully and she moaned. He smiled against her skin and began moving in earnest. Kai panted as she moved to arch up into every thrust. John was everywhere, his body caging her and filling her and she buried her face in his neck, holding his tightly.
Warmth built through the Bond and as their pace increased so did it's intensity. It was difficult to tell who the emotions she felt belonged to, but it didn't matter. She had never felt so close to another human being in her life. It wasn't just about the physical contact. The Bond linked them emotionally and telepathically and the longer it stayed open the stronger the link grew, like the links of a chain building and solidifying.
John shifted ever so slightly, changing the angle and Kai let out a cry. She dug her nails into his back and he groaned. The pulse between them grew as their pleasure did and when they came together the Bond shifted in their chests, like a lock clicking into place.
John leaned his forehead against Kai's as the two of them panted. Kai tightened her grip on his broad shoulders, pulling him down so she could hold him against her. She could feel the pounding of his heart in his chest and she pressed her lips against his in a gentle brush. A wide grin spread across his face and he kissed her back.
"Wow," he said in a low voice. "We are really good at that."
Kai chuckled and his smile grew. He traced his nose along the edge of her jaw. She hummed in the back of her throat and leaned into him.
He pulled away reluctantly, they needed to get cleaned up. "Hot shower?" He asked glancing over his shoulder as he stood.
Kai made a noise of agreement but didn't open her eyes. She let herself enjoy the afterglow as the tingles gradually receded from her limbs. Interestingly she found the intimacy of the Bond was still wide open. John's fingers glided along the side of her rib cage as he leaned over her.
"You're so beautiful," he said reverently as he kissed a trail from her hip to her naval. She squirmed, a smile breaking across her face once more and John found it did strange things to him.
"Come on," he said lacing his fingers with hers. He tugged her to her feet playfully. She let herself fall into his chest, her palms resting against the smooth planes of muscle.
The shower was warm and John trailed behind her as she climbed in. His clever fingers roved over her body. His hands were large and powerful and yet incredibly gentle as they moved over her body. Kai turned around in the circle of his arms and looked up at him with an impish smile. John's hand came up and he cupped the side of her face. His thumb smoothed over her cheek and his smile was a little dazed.
"God I love that." He muttered almost to himself.
Kai slid her hands up his chest enjoying the freedom to touch and explore what she had denied herself for so long. "What's that?"
"When you smile like that." John leaned down and kissed her soundly. His hands sliding over her slick skin sensually. "I've never seen you smile like that before," he said against her lips.
"I don't," she confessed. "Not permitted."
She said the words so cavalierly but John knew what they meant. She had opened up enough about her past to know the bastards would have punished her for it. They had conditioned her through pain to hide what she felt. It meant so much to him that she trusted him enough and was comfortable enough to be open with him.
Kai trailed her fingers up his chest, feeling the dips of muscle and the raised scars. She frowned when she saw the scars from the Wraith. She kissed all five of them. Though she had to push herself up on her tip toes to reach the ones near his collar bone.
"I'm short." She said with an embarrassed blush.
John brought his hands up to cradle both sides of her face. "I like it," he said and he pulled her small frame into his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around her. She felt so small, even though logically he knew she could more than take care of herself, it always made him feel so protective when he felt how truly small she was compared to him. He leaned his face against her wet hair. He wanted to just hold her like this forever.
"Come to bed," he said, his tone a rough command.
Kai tilted her chin up, resting it against his sternum as she stared up at his chin. "I think I've already been there," she teased with a smile.
When he looked down at her the intensity in his gaze stopped her in her tracks. This was no passing thing for John Sheppard. Not that she had thought it would be. If it was casual between them they would have slept together ages ago and been done with it. But the depth of his feelings was written all over his face, open and honest. This went beyond the Bond, and it made her chest feel full to know he cared for her as much as she cared for him.
"Stay with me tonight," his voice was softer now.
She found herself nodding. "I'd like that," she told him.
He kissed her again, this time lighter, more playful. Then he stepped out of the shower. "Wait there." He said. He snatched up his towel off the rack, quickly drying himself before he disappeared. He was back a few seconds later with a fresh one. He turned off the shower and wrapped the thick navy towel around Kai.
She wasn't quite sure what to do or say. She wasn't used to someone caring for her in this way.
"Didn't want you to get cold." John said and the boyish smile he gave her made her chest tighten again. She laced her fingers with his and let him lead her to bed. He crawled in first and held up the covers. Kai crawled into the circle of John's arms and as she laid her head over his heart she knew she would never be as content as she was now. She tangled her legs with his and relaxed into the warm feel of him.
She was drowsy and sleep was coming fast. The comfort and safety of being in John's arms was pulling her under. But there was something he had to know. Half asleep, she was convinced it was vital he knew. Something she knew she might never be brave enough to tell him again.
"It's only for you," she confessed into the dark.
"What is?" Surprisingly John didn't sound sleepy, instead he was energized. He didn't know if he would ever get another night like this with Kai. Life had a way with messing with them and he didn't know what tomorrow would bring. He wasn't willing to waste a moment of holding her in his arms.
"My smile," she told him sleepily.
John tightened his arms around her and hugged her even tighter against him as he spoke softly in her ear. "I know."
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I hope you guys enjoyed the update! More coming soon! Thank you everyone who held out through the longest slow burn even I have ever managed! I knew from the very beginning this was the moment they would get together and have been writing towards for a long time. Thank you to everyone who has stuck with me. I so appreciate your votes and comments.