©JRF2015-R2022
Rick is waiting at the gate when we pull up. He unlocks and opens it allowing us to drive inside. He is staring into the backseat as we pull to a stop. He seems to have a concerned look on his face but he is still wearing that same scowl he has had for the last few days. After locking the gate he walks up to help unload the supplies. He looks back and forth at me and Merle. "So how'd it go?" He finally asks looking at me with unease.
"Good," I said not looking back at him, "got Judy's formula."
I walk into the cell block to my room and I stop in front of the mirror dropping my bag. I was a mess, no wonder Rick was looking at me so concerned. He said he wanted to talk I bet he has a different conversation in mind now after seeing me like this. I need to find him again to start that conversation -- after I clean up. Part of me wants to just go but another part, the part that seems to keep getting burned by Rick Grimes, wants to take my time because I don't care what he has to say anymore. I don't care if he is worried about me. I don't care if I put his mind at ease. As before, that's just what I keep telling myself, my heart has other things in mind. I begin cleaning up as I go over in my head what I am going to say to Rick. And a hundred different scenarios of the conversation that is coming whether I want it to or not.
I am done in what feels like record time. Despite the fact I keep saying I don't care about Rick and what he thinks of me anymore, I still rushed to get myself fixed up to go see him. He is not in the cellblock as I walk through it. He didn't follow me inside apparently. I slide that main door open and shield my eyes from the setting sun that is still so bright sun as I walk into the yard. Rick is talking to Merle and he looks angry. It would appear to be an argument but neither of them is talking. I walk up behind Rick, "Hey, you two. What's going on?" Rick turns around quickly and glares at me.
"Just telling Merle how I noticed you two got real cozy on this trip." I look at him confused. I wasn't sure what to say. "You got nothin' to say? Figures. Don't know why I thought I could trust the two of you, I knew you were playing me." He storms off, bumping into me as he passed.
"What the hell was that about?"
Merle shakes his head, "He's got some issues. The prick refuses to listen to any kind of reason." I shake my head in a little bit of shock at those words coming from the mouth of Merle Dixon. My head rolls around on my shoulders as I turn to watch Rick walk inside. Merle moves closer, hand on my shoulder. "You okay? That shoulder check seemed a little rough." I look back at Merle and nod before walking away, back inside after the asshole that keeps flipping on me. I am angry now. Why do I even still care? Why can't I just listen to what my brain keeps telling me and stop caring? Why do I still keep trying?
He is practically running and in a second is already out of my sight. Once inside, I walk straight to his door. He is already cradling Judith in his arms as Carl stands there looking on. "Oh, I forgot my special surprise," I say causing the two Grimes' men to look in my direction, "I'll be right back." Rick rolls his eyes and focuses back on Judith. Carl climbs in the bed and rolls over. My mind is racing as I run up the stairs to get my bag. What is his problem? One minute he acts like he can't be away from me for a second and the next he can't stand to look at me.
I return to find Carl snoring away already, I forgot how late it was getting. Judy is wriggling around next to Rick ready to play despite how late it is getting. "I got something extra, something special for Judy." Rick just grunts, not looking up at me. I sigh, pulling the little pink bunny from behind my back. "She needs something soft and cuddly, something not so dark in this dark world she has to grow up in," I say smiling. Rick looks up, curling one corner of his mouth up, and takes it from me. He hands it to Judith who laughs at the bunny tickling her little nose. "Thanks," Rick says flatly.
"So what did you want to talk about?" He stares at me and squints his eyes.
"Nothing. it's not important. I forgot." I look at him a little frustrated at the obvious lie and the anger in his voice.
"Nothing is going on with me and Merle. That hug you witnessed was just a moment between friends, nothing more. And this run, Merle saved my ass tonight, that's it. I would never do anything to hurt you."
"Yeah," he snorts, "whatever." Before I could reply he jumps up off the bed. "I thought we had something between us and the next thing I know you go on a run with Merle and get all cozy in the backseat. I didn't realize you were that kind of girl? I hope you and Merle are very happy together, now leave. It's late and I need to get my children to bed."
I walk over to him, "What are you insinuating? What do you mean I am that kind of girl? Are you deaf? Did you not just hear me say he saved my ass. I was shaken up and he was just trying to calm my nerves after I almost died!" He shrugs my hand off his shoulder. "Why would you say something like that?"
"Just go Rachel," He turns lying down beside Judith with his back to me, "before you wake Carl up." He doesn't say another word leaving me even more confused than I was before I left on this run.
~~~~~~
I make sure to eat my breakfast late. I stay inside most of the day, helping Carol and Beth. All in an effort to not have to see Rick Grimes. I wake up super late every morning keeping that momentum. I can't stand the thought of seeing him. I can't stand thinking about him but my mind keeps doing that no matter how hard I try to fight it. I rub my eyes and roll over grabbing the journal I keep under my mattress. I have been using it to mostly keep track of days. It is day 14 of not speaking to Rick. Fourteen days of completely avoiding him. I thought three was bad but on the other hand, I seem to be getting used to not talking or seeing Rick Grimes. I make mark number 14 and close the journal with a heavy sigh. I slide it back under my mattress but keep my hand on it for a minute. I pull it back out, walk over to the small table on the other side of the room and sit down. I grab my pen and begin writing, about Rick. I pause at half a page and read over it realizing that it is about Rick and I growl at myself. I slam the journal shut and rush back over shoving it under my mattress again. No time for breakfast thanks to me wasting my time thinking about Rick Grimes. I get dressed quickly and head downstairs. Carol is outside helping Daryl with something so she doesn't need me today. I find Beth pacing the cell block and bouncing Judith in her arms, trying to soothe a very upset little girl. "I've tried everything," Beth looks over at me eyes tired and ready to break down it seems, "she won't calm down." I smile and hold out my arms.
"Let me give it a try, and give you a break." Judith immediately quiets and rests her head on my shoulder and inserts her thumb in her mouth. Beth stares in disbelief before letting that slow grin build on her face. "All the crying just wore her out. Don't make it out to be something it's not." I know where Beth's mind is going without her saying a word. She and Carol both have been on a kick the last few days. Determined that Rick and I are supposed to be together and how easily Judith takes to me is proof of it.
Every day the next week Beth brings Judith straight up to me in my cell with her breakfast. We have started giving her cereal with her formula and she is even trying a little bit of some real, solid food. Beth had sent Rick up to drop her off the first two days but it was too awkward. Rick tried to talk once but I took Judith from him and ran out the door without a word. I made sure Beth knew that I didn't mind taking Judith during the day so she could do whatever but she better not ever send Rick up to drop her off again. After a short argument against that Beth finally caved. I have actually enjoyed this week spending time with Judith. My mind is not distracted by trivial things...like Rick.
Another week flies by but today Beth decides that she and Carl are going to hang out with Judith instead. I notice that the two of them had gotten way close but when I bring it up they quickly change the subject. Not like I need them to tell me something is going on between them anyway. I spend the day outside helping the Dixon brothers secure another failing section of fence. By noon we decide to take a break. I walk over and grab some water for the three of us. I am halfway back over to them when Merle shouts, "Heads up Lil gal," I look at him as he nods behind me, "Yer bein' watched." I look over my shoulder to see Rick by the water barrels, staring at me. His face goes red and he quickly looks away. I roll my eyes and yell back at Merle while keeping my eyes on Rick. "Let them watch."
Another week of working dawn to dusk with the Dixon's goes by and we have the fence pretty secure. It's not going to hold forever but it will do until we can figure out a more permanent fix. I am tired and so sore tonight. I am too tired to even think about eating tonight. I am just ready for my bed. I see Carl standing in the doorway of his room with Judith. I drop my head and hurry past them. Normally I love to stop and chat with Carl and Judith but I am just not feeling it tonight. Besides, Rick will be in soon if he isn't already. Fearing that there is an inevitable ambush I pick up my pace. "Hey Rachel," Carl calls out to me. I freeze for half a second before continuing to walk back to my cell. I am so tired and every muscle in my body is screaming to finally rest. "Rachel stop!" Carl calls out to me again as he catches up with me and grabs my hand, "What's wrong with you?" I turn to him forcing a smile onto my face. Judy is cooing and reaching for me.
"I'm just really tired today kiddo," I say sleepily. "Every muscle in my body aches and I just need to rest."
"Not today," Carl says softly, "Judy's missed you. You haven't been around to see us in a week."
"Sorry kid, just been preoccupied with that fence problem. Judy's missed me huh? Just her? Because you are saying us a lot." Carl smiles and hands his baby sister to me. She giggles playfully swatting at my face and grabbing my hair off my shoulders.
"Yeah I guess I've missed you too," he smiles up at me. I ruffle his hair as Judy continues playing with mine.
"You guess you've missed me too!" I say in a sarcastic sound of shock, I feel a slight amount of playful energy returning, "And here I thought you loved me." We both laugh.
"Well I'd love you more if you stopped calling me kiddo all the time," he says smiling at me.
I stick out my bottom lip in a playful pout, "But it's cute. Just like you!" As I lightly punch his arm.
"Okay, but seriously, I asked you what was wrong and you never really answered my question."
I looked at him, "Actually I did answer. I told you I was preoccupied, tired, and sore. That's the answer."
"You sure it has nothing to do with my dad?" Carl questions, "He's been pretending to do stuff in here all week, I think he wanted to see you."
"I am positive it has nothing to do with your dad. I didn't even know he was pretending -- in your words-- to work in here. And even if it was something with your dad, I am not talking to you about that stuff..." I pause letting a slow grin crawl across my face before adding, "kid." I chuckle slightly before getting serious again, "stop worrying about what is or isn't going on with me and your dad. You don't need to be dragged into this mess I've gotten myself into with your dad."
"I don't mind. I can talk to dad for you. He'll listen to me and besides, we're a family. It's what we do."
"You're a good kid. Me and your dad are lucky to have you watchin' out for us. However, there is nothing you or anyone else needs to talk to your dad about regarding me."
"He...We love you." Carl says as he wraps his arms around me in a big hug.
"Ma Ma," Judy squeaks out in a very tired whisper as she lays her head on my chest. Carl and I look at each other eyes wide. Merle and Daryl walk in as she squeaked that out and both release an amused chuckle.
"Did I just hear lil' Asskicker say somethin'?" Daryl asks as he and Merle approach us.
"Yeah, she just called Rachel mama!" Carl is so excited over this and I am still a little unsure what to think. "Well, Looks like she got your brains somehow Lil' Gal," Merle said, "She knows a good woman when she sees one. Whatcha lookin' so scared for sweet cheeks?" I feel like I am made of lead. I can't move and I can't talk. Carl sticks his nose in the air at Merle's comment. "Hey, I'm smart too. I know Rachel's a good woman, so does my dad. He just has a hard time talking about his feelings sometimes."
{Rick's POV}
I slip into the cell block unnoticed by Rachel and Carl and I stay out of sight. Over the past week, it has become obvious that she is through with me. I listen to their conversation and I watch Rachel holding Judy. She looks even more beautiful to me at this moment than ever before. Seeing her with Carl and Judy makes my heart melt. The kids love her so much. I can't keep them away from her. Hell, I can't keep myself away from her. Every second of every day that I have been avoiding her, or she has been avoiding me, my thoughts have still been consumed with her. I love her. I cannot deny that. "Ma Ma," I jerk my head up from staring at the floor, pulled from my thoughts and back to my children...and Rachel. Judy said her first word. She called Rachel mama. My eyes begin to water. Lori missing this, the fact Judy called someone else mama, but mainly because even my children know that Rachel belongs with us. Merle and Daryl appear from out of nowhere and walk to them. I have to go to her -- because Merle is there but more so because I know now how childish I have been.
I walk around the corner and my eyes immediately lock with Rachel's. "Hey Chief," she smiles. I hate being called chief but I also love it -- when she is the one saying it. She knows it too. When she says it, as always, I feel my heart flutter. "I know I'm not your favorite person right now but your daughter just said her first word." I walk over to her without saying anything, cup her face in my hands, and press my lips to hers. I pull back a little resting my forehead against hers staring into her blue-green eyes and whisper, "I heard." A tear rolls down my cheek, "I have been an idiot. I love you. Can you forgive me for being such a jerk?" She raises her hand and wipes away that lone tear on my face.
"As long as you promise not to make a habit out of it," she laughs and I kiss her again.
"Promise," I whisper against her lips as I pull away.