note: i know these past few chapters were extremely frustrating and really annoying, but please remember, although this is a fanfiction, my portrayal of characters are aimed to be realistic. people have to be confused, make mistakes, do things that normally they wouldn't do. we have to do dumb shit to get to the good bits so please bare with me :)
dejavu.
now playing | he, not him.
↠ⁿᵉˣᵗ ˢᵒⁿᵍ ↺ ʳᵉᵖᵉᵃᵗ ⊜ ᵖᵃᵘˢᵉ
status: very unedited
"So are we going to talk about why you came to my apartment at one am looking fucked up?" It was a couple hours later, and ounce the pair had finally decided to leave the comforts of the duvet and put on some clothes, Jeno and Aeri made their way to the boy's kitchen.
They sat across from one another a bowl of cereal each placed in front of them as they conversed for the first time in the past two hours.
"Gee thank, Jen, and I thought I looked pretty," Aeri joked, a slight hint of bitterness laying beneath her playful tone.
Jeno shook it off, knowing that she was was just buying time to avoid the conversation as long as she was allowed to. But he knew her as well to know when she was purposely dancing around a topic."Come on, Aeri," He placed down his spoon, turning his full undivided attention to her, hoping that she'd take the hint that he was listening."I know I'm no Hyuck or Jaemin, but i'm still one of your friends,"
It was true. Of course the pair had tangled with one another in a way none of the other boys besides Renjun and Jisung had the chance to, but even though they were physically connected and knew each other best through their bodies, it didn't mean they were the best at conversations of deeper truths.
They were as supportive as they could be, but left discussion such as this to those closer to them.
He was going to pry the answer out of her anyway, so Aeri decided to wave her white flag and tell him honestly. "Jisung," And with that one word, Aeri could feel him roll his eyes painfully slow from where she stared down at her soggy cheerios and milk.
"Here we go again, what now?" As much as he loved the boy, he was a me hell of a mess. Anyone could tell.
"I told him I still loved him," The brunette muttered, dropping her chin to her chest, unwilling to see Jeno bulge his eyes out— choking on the spoonful of cereal he had just tried to swallow.
For a moment, the raven haired male coughed, and patted his chest harshly, before recollecting himself.
"You actually ran after him?" He gaped, originally believing that she somehow reasoned with herself and went home. But he wasn't too surprised. He knew her since middle school, and how her body would act before her mind could process situations. Her impulsive nature had always gotten the best of her.
"Yeah.."
"And?" He urged, completely invested in what might've happened next, and from how his night had gone with her, it wasn't anything to be happy about. Especially because she would've spent the night with the other.
"He didn't say it back," She mumbled, through gritting teeth, her patience thinning with the very thought of the argument, however she couldn't be too mad. I did this to myself She huffed internally.
"Oh, Aeri," There it was, the pity.
"At least I know for sure," She played it off cooley, shrugging as she raised her head in sheer, fake confidence. She felt like utter shit. But her favorite thing in the world was to act like she didn't feel so bad about herself, so she smiled lightly and shook her head— dismissing the boy's scrunched expression.
"I really hate to do this, when I know I can do better at this than him, but I think he's confused," Aeri didn't know why he was suddenly saying this, and Jeno didn't know either. Despite seeing the two drag each other to hell and back, he knew it was always them. It was them in the past, them in present, so why not help to make it them in the future?
It was the least he could do, but Jisung made it very hard to play on his side.
"Are you really reasoning with me about what he did?" Aeri deadpanned, releasing her hold on her spoon, allowing it to slip lower into her half empty cereal bowl. It had gone overwhelmingly soggy, and she couldn't bother to continue eating.
Jeno sighed, debating himself whether or not he was actually committing to helping these two out. It was like adding fire to a house that had already been burning for the past 21 years. "It's not my place, but Aeri, haven't you seen the state he's in?"
"Yeah, but that's been going on for a little while? I don't even know what that is or what's happening," And no one else knew.
"Maybe something more than just Minji happened. He might be dealing with something past all of us, so of course he's gonna be conflicted when a girl he loves so much comes knocking on his door again," Aeri felt herself slouch back down into her defeated state, the slope of her shoulders dropping with the corners of her mouth.
"Are you really excusing his actions?" She groaned in frustration— feeling the sickly clingy emotion building up once again in her stomach.
"Having a hard time doesn't excuse actions, but they do explain them," Jeno spoke, and he stumbled on his words, as if walking on the thinnest and most fragile layer of ice— afraid that he was crossing some sort of boundary that laid invisible in front of him. "Aeri, you've dealt with so much, and it's not your place to think about him, but i mean look at him, have you seen his hands?"
By this point, both of the adults had finished their cereals and completely disregarded their presence on the table in front of them.
Aeri's ears perked up at the mention of the Park's weirdly injured hand. "You've noticed that too?" She gaped, believing that she was the only one to take notice.
"Yeah, he's been saying that he's been doing some work on his house for some time, saying he was trying to repair a wall," Instinctively they leant in closer, like back in high school, gossiping about who kissed who and who did what at the lunch table. It was nostalgic, but unfortunately the flutter in their stomachs was overridden by a terrible feeling of sensitivity.
Something had felt as if things were going wrong, right beneath their noses.
Slowly her brows furrowed together— knitting into an expression of confusion. "What?" She couldn't believe it. That was a lie, she had expected Jisung to lie sinner than later, but it was the fact that it was something as ambiguous as this that made it a hundred times worse. They didn't know how large of a problem this was, or even if it was a problem or situation to be concerned about. "—he said he's been getting that from doing stuff for the fans? What if—"
Jeno didn't want to go there. Never in his multiple years of friendship with the male had he ever imagined his mental health to come to that point. He quickly interrupted, wishing to hold her tongue. "Aeri, we can't jump to conclusions," Though, right now, the idea was adding an undeniable weight to his mind, they couldn't accuse or simply assume that was the context. "That's really serious,"
"Okay, so if it's not serious it's still definitely something right?" The once red lining of her vision was simply turned off as ideas began to flurry around the Han's mind. The spite and resentment that she once held so firmly was replaced as quickly as it was built.
All she could do now was worry.
Their lives never had a dull moment, huh? Even when they needed it most.
"I'm not too sure," Jeno was fast to jump into the conversation once more. He saw her eyes go distant, meaning her mind began to wander to the worse of places. "—maybe it is something simple and he's just giving us white lies to not worry too much,"
Aeri couldn't handle all of this. She shook her head firmly, wishing to metaphorically and also physically rattle the thoughts out of her head. It absolutely terrified her. "Can we talk about something else, I don't think we should discuss this too much until we actually know what's up,"
Jeno was grateful she realized her limits and chose to stop the discussion here. He nodded and glanced down to his bowl. Everything began to seep back into his system, and everything that he's been told, felt, and happened had finally found it's way back to him— reminding him of every detail.
"I have a question,"
Aeri turned to look back at Jeno, one of her brows raised expectantly. "As long as it's not about what we just talked about?"
"No, I'm just wondering, after all this time, why him?" Hearing the question fall from her friend's lips, she scoffed. And soon after, she couldn't hold in her laugh either.
It was bitter, yes, but she couldn't deny how good of a question that was. It required some thought, but as she delved deep into her heart for some satisfying answer to say, she tsked helplessly.
Jeno squinted his eyes at her odd behavior.
"That's the wrong question to ask," She chimed in a low sing-song voice, her head falling to stare at the kitchen island counter.
"What's the correct one to ask then?" He inquired, staring curiously at the brunette's head, watching as one of the corners of her lips quirked up— but it seemed that she thought he couldn't see as it didn't disappear like the other smiles he would catch.
"Why not him?" Aeri replied, her tone laced with the cliche 'duh' hiss in it. To her, it was the most obvious and straightforward thing to man, but to Jeno— he could barely wrap his mind around it.
"What?"
Aeri's head lifted, and her chin left her chest— raising to meet the raven haired male's eyes. "Why him?" She laughed once more before continuing through her low chuckling. "I've got plenty of answers for that. And honestly the entire dictionary of words couldn't capture all the things i have to say for why out of every other man on this planet, I choose him, but why not him, I find myself dwelling on that too much,"
"Don't you see any flaws? imperfections? red flags?" Jeno didn't understand, and Aeri saw it in his orbs. He was confused, how could she love a person too much.
"Of course I see them, I can name all of them, in my opinion and his, but the problem is, I still don't care," He gazed intently at her stare, as it removed itself from his, and looked to god knows where in that kitchen. She seemed to daze out, with a little extra thought and a moment silence that had gracefully fluttered down on them like a blanket— he came to a realization.
He guessed that he never loved someone so much to point he loved them past their flaws.
And that was the one thing he admired the most about Aeri.
She had the power of loving. Despite everything anyone has done to her, whether it be Renjun, her old bullies in high school, or some person who simply disliked her and utterly trashed on her character, she loved them. She still secretly rooted for their success, and hoped for their happiness even when those she'd greet with a smile, hoped she'd cry in the next second.
She could love anyone past anything, and it proved true, after all this time, all this heartbreak over Jisung, she still loved every single bit of him, even the bit that didn't love her back.
And it would get to point, where she'd love the way he would say I don't know and she'd accept that it was okay, because at least she was damn sure, he orbited around her.
. . .
i hope people get that last sentence :)
anyway yes life is messy and that's just how it is
if you need to be intimate with somebody for a night, drink, run, or even scream to just get away from your problems for a good hour, so be it.
everyone copes differently, everyone feels differently
all solutions, outlets, etc etc are valid unless they affect an individual or individuals or yourself negatively.
that's my piece for today :) have a good day / night
dejavu's last 3 chapters are soon.