Waking up was difficult.
With consciousness came a string of thoughts, feelings, and regrets. Eh, oh well.
I pull myself out of bad and decide to go for the "I won't think about any of it until absolutely necessary" method. Perfect!
I mechanically put on my school uniform, brush my teeth, and take off and reapply new makeup. On the way out the door, I grab a banana and a granola bar to eat on the bus ride to school. I put my earbuds in and blast my music.
Somehow, I will tell Kuroo that we can't be together today. It's just the way it has to be. It will work out better for both of us in the end this way anyways.
School is as boring as ever, but Saito manages to bring a genuine smile to my face.
"Girl, don't you think the sensei is kinda hot in a dilf sort of way? Like, don't get me wrong, he's totally not my type...but maybe, just maybe, I'd let him hit if he asked me."
"Oh my fucking gosh, Saito! Shut up! He can probably hear you!" I whisper, completely shocked.
"C'mon, he's practically deaf! He can't hear anything! But seriously, don't you agree? He's got that strong and capable vibe. And we both know he's good with his hands. Sure, they're a little wrinkly, but I could ignore that."
I burst out laughing and get a few looks from students at the other tables. "You totally have daddy issues, you realize that right? But yeah, I totally see where you're coming from. I would not let him fuck me though, you're insane for saying that."
She rolls her eyes, "I can't help that I'm horny. It's been way too long since I got dick or pussy. My standards are just getting lower and lower."
I roll my eyes too, she's so dramatic.
"Wait...girl...has Kuroo given it to you yet?"
Fuck me in the ass.
The day was going so smoothly.
"Well...I don't know why that's any of your business", I say, busying myself with the paints I'm mixing.
"Ohhhhh, you guys have definitely fucked. Holy shit, is it as good as everyone says?" She asks, eyes bugging out of her head.
"Saito, dear lord, NO, we didn't fuck! I mean...we probably would've eventually though."
"Wait, wait, wait, why are you speaking about it in the past tense? Like, aren't you guys dating? Can't you still fuck him whenever?"
"Um...I think I'm going to break things off today..."
"WHAT?! Girl, WHY the fuck would you do that?? What did he do? I'll fucking beat his ass. He's dead. That fucker, I knew people couldn't change that much." Saito starts to get up from her chair, looking like she really intends on hunting him down, but I pull her back down.
"Stop! I swear, he didn't do anything, seriously. I even met his family last night, and they're so nice. In fact, it's all a little too perfect. I don't know...I just don't think it's going to work out in the long run. What's even the point, you know? He's basically perfect and it doesn't even make sense that he'd want to be with me. I'm a mess and way uglier than probably like ninety percent of the people he used to fuck. I just feel...inadequate...I think I need to work on myself or something before I give my heart to someone else."
Saito is staring at me like I'm crazy. "Y/n...girl...what? What are you even talking about? What about him liking you doesn't make sense? You're beautiful, and I'm not just saying that because you're my friend. You're beautiful on the inside too. You having scars on your heart doesn't take away from that. You've got baggage? So what! You have some personal problems? So what! It isn't for you to decide if you're able to be loved or not. Everyone goes through shit, that doesn't make them less worthy of happiness. I'm telling you right now, there is nothing wrong with you. And Kuroo isn't crazy or wrong for caring about you. I'm not going to act like I know the ins and the outs of your relationship, but you probably shouldn't give up on someone just because you don't think you're enough for them. Please don't do that."
"Oh, Saito..." I say, reaching over to give her a hug. I'm not going to lie, I have a few tears in my eyes and don't want her to see the effect her words had on my fragile mental state. She's right. I don't know why I always try to run away, but it's never too late to change, or at least try to change. Maybe I'm the one with daddy issues. "Thank you so much...I think I really needed someone to tell me that. I don't know...I think that sometimes I feel like I just deserve to be alone."
"You absolutely do not deserve to be alone. And you're totally welcome, this is what friends are for. I hope you know that you can talk to me about whatever you're struggling with, I'll always be your hypewoman!"
"You're the best, did you know that?" I say, laughing. "Best wing woman ever."
"I like to think so," She says back to me, flicking her hair sassily. I laugh again, shaking my head. I continue to mix up my paints.
This has given me more to think about, for sure.
The last thing I want to do is hurt Kuroo, obviously, but I just struggle with the commitment. I would be the type of person to say, "it's me, not you," when breaking things off and actually believe that. I really do think I'm the problem here, and in most instances, and it's hard to overcome that. But maybe...maybe I should try.
I stay contemplative for the rest of day. That is, until chemistry comes around. Kuroo chats with me before class as usual, but doesn't linger or nag me. He's giving me space and I'm thankful like that.
The sensei tells us to get with our partners and work on our projects together. I make my way to Yakimoto, smiling at him. He gives me an equally forced smile. This kid is funny. I try not to watch Kojima prance over to Kuroo's desk. That bitch. Seeing them work together reminds me of her texts to him. Well, he's definitely seen them at this point. What that means, I'm not sure.
"Um...I guess we should start by finding the elements we need," Yakimoto shrugs. His idea is as good as any of mine.
"Sounds good to me. So we have to search for the elements that fit the criteria she gave us, right?"
"I think that's right...Yeah, right here, that's what the instructions say."
We both read over the instructions one more time and then open our textbooks to the periodic table. Yakimoto hums a bit as we search for the elements that will fit in our reactions. Five minutes go by. Then ten minutes.
"Damn, you found anything?" I huff, squinting at the page. I've been searching for the cation and he's been looking for the anion of the reaction.
"Hell no, I have no idea which one of these would work," he groans. "Should we go ask Sensei for a hint? She's gotta know how bad we are at this shit."
I nod purposefully and stand. Truth is, Kuroo's desk is sort of near the sensei's desk. And Kojima seems to be closer to Kuroo every time I look over there. Not gonna let it slide.
I decide to make a casual, totally unplanned, conversation with Kuroo after I've spoken to the sensei. Only, I almost stop dead in my tracks when I hear Kojima start to speak.
"Why didn't you reply to my texts? I can still come right?" She asks him, pouting a little bit, bottom lip stuck out and all. I start to see red. Get this bitch away from my boyfriend.
Kuroo's back is to me as I approach the desk, now I'm not sure which one I want to stop at first.
"Yeah I figured I'd just tell you today. I think we'll be fine if we just work on it here in class. I can do a lot of the work, I've already figured most of it out anyways."
I feel like a fucking weight has been lifted off of me. Of course he was faithful, I feel like a terrible person for even doubting him.
"Aw really?! I kinda wanted to hang out though. I miss you, we used to have so much fun together," she says, sadly.
Kuroo laughs uncomfortably. "Yeah honestly, I don't miss—"
"What even happened to you anyways? You used to be so much fun and come out with me and the rest of the group all the time. Then it's like a switch flipped or something. Come on Kuroo, stop acting like you're better than us or something. We don't deserve that. Can't we just link for old time's sake? I promise I'll make it worthwhile. I remember what you like too..."
I've gone past seeing red. I'm seeing black now. I walk up right behind Kuroo and put my hands on his shoulders, slowly sliding them down his chest. I lean down, possessive smirk on my face that I know Kojima can see. I bring my lips right up to Kuroo's ear.
"I'm going to fucking kill her right now, I swear to God," I whisper, too quiet for her to hear, keeping the smirk on my face but feeling absolutely livid. How dare she talk to him like that. It's one thing for her to disrespect our relationship, but I'm not even sure if it's public knowledge yet. It's an absolutely different story for her to talk down to him, for her to gaslight and guilt him like he's done anything wrong. It makes me feel sick.
Kuroo chuckles, probably to make Kojima think I've said something risqué and clasps my hands which are still resting on his chest.
"Actually, I'm busy tonight with my girlfriend. Sorry you feel like that," he says to Kojima.
I'm mad he's even apologizing and I wonder why he bothers to. He is usually so blunt.
Kojima looks between us, mouth hanging slightly open.
"I heard a rumor, but I guess it's actually true. Y/n, the new girl, has managed to tie down the biggest player around here. How good is she Kuroo?"
Kuroo jerks a little bit in his seat and for a moment I think he's going to flip his shit on her. But it's okay, because I beat him to it.
"Yeah, I guess all it took is a fresh face from out of town for him to realize that the only girls around here are cheap whores whose self-respect is just about as low as their intelligence. Go find a different dick to suck on, I've got this one covered, don't worry." I give her a sweet smile. Kuroo is sitting completely still and I can't see the expression on his face because I'm still standing behind him.
"You fucking bitch—" Kojima hisses at me, getting up off of Kuroo's desk. That's right, get your ass off it skank. I'm not one to make a scene, but a strange peacefulness settles over me as I decide that I'm about to partake in my first fight. I can take her. I am going to—
"LADIES," the sensei says loudly. "Meet me out in the hallway right now."
I fall back down to reality when she says that. I feel my usual temperament seeping back into me. Holy fuck, what did I just do?
I look around and see that basically everyone is looking at us too. Yakimoto has a hand covering his mouth and I get the feeling he's laughing. My face heats.
Kojima huffs and stalks past me and into the hallway. Before Kuroo can turn around, I pull my hands off of him and rush to the hallway. Honestly I'm a little scared to see what his expression is. What if he's disappointed in me or thinks I'm just as psychotic as Kojima for making a complete scene in the middle of class?
I get out to the hallway and see Kojima leaning against a locker, palms over her eyes.
"Are you happy now? Is this what you wanted? Now we're both going to be in fucking detention because you couldn't help but be a bitch. Ugh, why am I even here, I did nothing wrong!" She glares at me.
"Stay away from Kuroo," is all I say. I can tell she's about to make a snide remark, but the sensei comes out into the hallway, shutting the door behind her.
"Ladies. Can someone please explain to me what happened in there? There is no reason that needed to happen. If you have something like that to say to each other, and it's disgraceful that you even do, don't bring it to my classroom."
"Sorry Sensei..." I say quietly. I don't hear Kojima apologize. Righteous bitch.
"That's not going to cut it. I asked for an explanation. I'm considering detention, but if you girl cooperate with me here, I'll let you off with just a phone call home. I don't want to do this, neither of you have been problematic so far."
I'm not really sure how to...word it. I glance at Kojima, wondering if she'll try to speak first. But no, she just has her slender arms crossed and huffs, tossing her silky hair over her shoulder. Well, I don't know about her, but I don't want detention.
"Okay...um...it's kind of a personal issue honestly. Kojima and I just don't seem to see eye to eye."
"And why did you need to bring your 'personal issue' into my classroom?"
I think quickly, trying to come up with something acceptable. "I'm sorry. There was no reason. I lost my temper, I don't have any other explanation."
The sensei sighs. But it's true, I have nothing else to say. I'm not going to say something like "it was my fault" because I don't believe that. We wait for her to say something.
"Okay, fine, a call home it is. Girls, just know, I will not tolerate another episode like this. If it happens again, detention might not be all of your punishment."
I let out a breath of relief. Dodged a bullet. Although...I'm not sure how my mom will respond. Sometimes she's cool and sometimes she's just scary.
One things abundantly clear to me now though.
I'm not letting Kuroo go.