I was struggling a lot with the past. I hadn't touched my spiderwoman suit even once since I came back. I couldn't shake the feeling that the whole hydra thing wasn't over. I knew I was safe in the avengers facility and I was having such a good time catching up with everyone, including MJ.
I hugged her so tightly that she told me she couldn't breathe but man, had I missed her. She cried and then I started crying. I'd always cry whenever she did.
I had been distancing with Peter a bit. We still slept in the same bed but whenever he'd try to heat things up, I'd turn him down. Not because I didn't want to have sex with him, but because of my scars. Of course he'd seen some of them, but he hadn't seen the absolute worst ones. The thick one that ran down my side, stopping at my hip. The bullet wounds in my right thigh. And lastly, the scars on my back. The one's I hated most and the one's that had been the most painful. Hydra liked to use a good old torture method called, whipping.
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I sat down at the edge of the roof looking up at the stars, trying to distract myself from the painful memories hydra had drilled into my brain. No luck. The several memories of me holding guns to innocent peoples heads and just pulling the trigger like was it nothing. The flashbacks to all the times I slit men, woman... even children's throats.
I pulled out a cigarette and placed it between my lips before lighting it. It numbed the pain a little bit, but not even close to enough. I took a deep breath, letting all the smoke I had just inhaled, out.
"Can I bum one?" a voice behind me asked and I opened and held out the pack, without looking at who it was. I didn't care. "Thanks," Bucky sat down next to me and I lit the cigarette for him. "Aren't you a little young to be smoking?" he then asked and I kept on staring out at the darkness.
"You're the one lending cigarettes from an 19 year old," I casually stated and nudged my face an inch closer to the cigarette so I could get the smoke faster. I don't think he knew what to answer, and most of all, I just wanted him to leave so I could concentrate on distracting myself.
"So why are you up here?" he asked and I glanced down at my cigarette before answering.
"Couldn't sleep," I finally turned my head to him just briefly, but enough to show a little affection. "You?" I asked and knocked down on the cigarette with my pointy finger so the ashes smoothly fell down where I couldn't see them anymore.
"Yeah same here," he sighed and took a whiff. He had been through the exact same thing as me, but just for much longer so I found it hard to watch him act like nothing had even happened. "I know what you're thinking about," he then said.
"Oh really?" I snickered sarcastically and looked down.
"Yeah. Really. I was trapped by Hydra too, and I know the things they put you through," I looked up at the stars and unknowingly I started counting the stars. Not like I was ever going to actually finish. It was a distraction... but distractions are never permanent.
"Just because you suffered there too, doesn't mean I suffered any less," my hand began shaking, as I moved it up to my mouth and inhaled again.
"I'm just saying that maybe I could help you, since I've been through what you're going through right no-"
"I don't want your help," I interrupted. "I want to go back to before that stupid fucking mission,"
"Well you can't do that,"
"Well I want to," I quickly snapped back and instantly regretted it. "Sorry," he looked down.
"It's okay, and it's not your fault," he flicked his cigarette out of his hand and put his hand on my shoulder. "Hydra makes you someone you're not. And it takes time to get back, but it'll take forever if you're doing it alone,"
"I'll figure it out by myself okay?" I snapped at him. I had lost the number of stars I had counted.
"You're just forgetting something," he said standing up next to me.
"And what is that?" I asked with an arrogant tone in my voice.
"You're not alone anymore." he simply answered and then walked away. I was left with nothing to say. Speechless. I looked back out at the view for a few minutes before dumping my cigarette and getting up on my feet. I thought about Peter and how I had neglected him for several weeks now.
I stood outside my door until deciding on something else. I walked the dark halls until Peter's door was right in front of me. I checked the handle. He had let the door stay unlocked for my sake.
I walked in and sat down, looking down at his resting features. I put my hand against his cheek and brushed it softly. He murmured something in his sleep and squinted his eyes together before slowly opening them up. "Hey." He said very quietly and sat up. "Are you okay? Is something wrong?"
"Yeah..." I whispered. I looked down for a few seconds, hesitating.
"Are you sure?" He asked, putting more voice to his words now.
"There's something I want to show you."
"Sure. What is it?" He nodded understandingly. I ran my hair back, since it was starting to fall into my eyes.
"Like for real, Peter." I proclaimed and a more serious expression came upon his features. I stood up from the bed as he moved to the edge of the bed, letting his feet touch the floor. I could tell he was confused. I sighed and lifted up my t-shirt and dropped it down on the floor. I proceeded to take off my sweatpants right after.
He stared at first in shock, but then in a sort of sorrow. He then reached out and held my hips, pulling me closer to him. His touch was warm. He leaned his head forward and kissed my skin, right above my belly button. I closed my eyes and sighed in relief. My hands found their way to his hair.
"Did you really think I wouldn't want to touch you because of those?" He asked, looking up at me. As he said it out loud, it made sense. I knew he loved me. "I don't care that you're changed. Whether that's a little or a lot, I don't care. Rue, my beautiful beautiful Rue, you're a piece of art and art isn't supposed to look nice, it's supposed to make you feel something. And you make me feel so fucking good that I can barely breathe when you're not next to me." I chuckled still in tears.
"How do you do it?" I asked.
"How do I do what?"
I sat down beside him with my legs over his lap. I looked up in his hair. It was so perfectly messy, I just had to run my hand through it."You always manage to make me feel so good about myself."
He snickered, looking down at my legs. An instant fear that I hadn't shaved came upon me when he put his hand on the lower half of my leg. "It's a secret." He cooed, turning his head to mine while slowly moving his hand up my leg. I remembered that I actually had shaved.
And I wanted it now.
I leaned in and closed my eyes and his lips were instantly on mine along with his hand on my jaw. It started out soft but in no time we were making out heavily. It was clear what we both wanted.
He laid down on his back when I crawled on top and his hands quickly found their way to my ass. Oh god how it felt amazing. His lips syncing mine felt amazing and I felt eager to have him inside me.
He flipped me under him with a hand now on my lower back while the other was triumphing my inner thighs, slowly moving around. He clicked my bra open and I got it off quicker than I'd ever done before. His weight on top of me felt so comforting and the way I could feel his growing erection against my wet underwear was so pleasingly fantastic.
I reached into his underwear and put my hand around his length, slowly pumping for a start. I could tell he had missed it and the fact that he hadn't had it for two years was painful. He deserved it. "Fuck." He groaned, having retracted his lips from mine and moved them to my neck.
He pulled my panties to the side and then moved his boxers down. He touched my entrance and I was ready to scream, arch, beg. Only I forgot how much it hurt the first time he put it in after a long while of not having done it.
I gasped and he did the same. His lips only an inch above me. He stayed in for a few seconds before starting to move in and out. The pain faded quickly and the pleasure filled in instead.
I had completely forgotten how intimate this was and I couldn't help but regret the way that I had been putting it off. Only now that he was on top of me and letting me feel what he had missed, I realized how touch it must have been for him that I had been letting him down.
He grabbed my thigh and lifted it, turning my onto my belly in almost only a second. I was baffled and as I was catching my breath a smile came into my lips. "How the hell did you do that so smoothly?" I chuckled, looking back at him. He smiled while leaning forward and kissing my lips passionately.
A second later he slid back inside, making me moan while struggling to hold my head up and not let it dump onto the mattress. "Peter..." I moaned having nothing on my mind but him.
"Oh god, I'm in love with the way you say my name." He sighed, still thrusting and now going harder. I almost screamed and my arms gave out, finally making my face collide with the soft sheets. His hands on my waist and sometimes on my ass, pulling me with the pace.
"Rue." He breathed rapidly as he bent forward and kissed my back. I took a few breaths before turning to him and crawling on top of him. We looked at each other like we were about to kiss every second of every minute.
And then we did. He put his hand on the back of my neck, slowly moving it up in my hair. I put my legs on each side of him so we were straddling. I grabbed his penis while slowly sitting down on it. It hurt I must admit, but not worse than at the very start.
He closed his eyes and leaned his head back while grabbing onto my hips. We were both covered in a paper thin layer of sweat, but to be honest it only made everything easier and smoother.
I put my hands back on his thighs behind me, just for a bit support. I jumped up and down on him, eventually putting my hands into his six pack instead of the thighs. I think he noticed my dilemma of where to put my hands, so therefore sat up while I bounced so I could put them on his shoulders. It worked a lot better that way for some reason.
He filled what felt like a giant void and my thighs were starting to burn from the repeated motion. "I'm gonna come but my thighs are dying."
"Say no more." He whispered and rolled us around. In a split second he gathered my legs, and held them on his felt shoulder while moving into me. It hit just the spot and I gripped the sheets so tightly that my knuckles must have been white.
I felt it come with a crazy rush and I screamed his name so loudly that I tried to cover my own mouth with a pillow since he wasn't able to. I pretty soon removed it from the lack of air there was available.
He dropped my legs so they swung apart as he almost fell down on me, panting with me. It took three more slow and deep thrusts before he broke down completely as he came. He was laying on top of me as we were both catching up with the much needed breaths.
"Holy shit, that was..." Peter whispered, clearly having no words to finish the sentence that described how perfect that was.
"Yeah, I'm speechless too Peter." I panted and we both chuckled softly. He lifted his head and we closed our eyes, kissing passionately on the lips for just a few seconds.
"I think it's truly impossible to show you how much I love you."
"I feel the exact same way, Peter. Somehow the feeling is beyond love." Peter rolled down on his back and lifted the covers over us.
I moved up against him and laid my head on his shoulder. He kissed my forehead and moved my hair back and away from my face. "I beyond love you Rue." He whispered, his warm breath against my skin.
I let my hand glide against his skin and up to his jaw. I kissed him slowly and softly. I watched his closed eyes as I pulled back. He smiled faintly. "I beyond love you too Peter."