I was gasping for air- I couldn't breathe. My throat was starting to close up, my eyes were tearing, soon enough, I felt a tear run down my cheeks. The more I blink, the more I start crying.
I was shaking.
"Take a deep breath," I hear Haneul whisper in my ear. She had a grip on my shoulder so that I won't fall to the ground.
I couldn't breathe. Oh my god, I can't breathe.
"What are we going to do now?" sighs Johnny.
"I told you guys to be careful!" Haechan mumbles angrily.
More tears slip down my eyes.
This was all my fault.
I shouldn't have said about how I wanted our relationship to be public last night. I just ruined everything.
"Will you calm down?" Mark grits his teeth, he had his hands on his hips, stressed out.
"Because of you, the whole group is going down," Haechan snaps, staring at Mark.
"Fuck," he swears, pacing around the room, "Haechan, if you have nothing good to say, then keep your mouth shut. I don't need your fucking negativity right now."
Haechan scoffs, "fine," he gets up, leaving the apartment, slamming the door along the way.
The whole house was quiet. Taeyong didn't say anything, he was as stressed as I was. But he was the most calm one out of all of us.
"I'm sorry," I choked out, "I-I should've been more careful," I continue, sobbing, "I don't know what to do but say I'm sorry."
Mark is suffering now, because of me. God, how could I be so selfish? If I had been more careful, this might have not happened.
Mark's phone started ringing, he fishes out his phone from his pocket, answering the call. Mark glances at me before turning away to speak to whoever was calling him. They talk for a few minutes.
"Okay," I hear him say before ending the call. Mark looks at me again, "they want both of us to have a meeting now."
With swollen eyes and an extremely red face, I nod. Haneul tells me to wash my face with cold water before leaving the house, but it barely helped. My whole face was still swollen from all the crying.
"Haneul-ah," I call out, "will you follow me to the meeting?"
She nods, "I'll stay by your side," she sends a reassuring smile, that surprisingly comforted me. I nod, the three of us left the apartment, taking a cab to SM.
Mark didn't speak the whole time. I was seated next to him, but he didn't look my way at all. I couldn't even control my tears, a tear streak down my cheek in despair. I was hiccuping every few seconds.
"Stop crying," Mark mumbles. I turn to face him but he was still staring outside, "everything's going to be fine," he says, but his voice was harsh.
I wanted to scoff at that, because, no, nothing is going to be fine! The comments I have been getting from almost everyone is everything but supportive! Chaewon has been spamming my phone with messages asking me to clarify what was going on.
We finally reached our destination, we quickly left the taxi and went up the building. When we entered the room, Haneul was told to wait outside. Mark and I enter the room, both of us sitting a few feet away from each other.
The staff passes me a tissue box, but I didn't bother taking any.
"Diana, are you okay?" the woman sitting opposite us asks.
What do you think, lady?
That was what I wanted to say, but instead, I nodded.
"We just want your honesty, we'll try to compromise with what you want and with the public," she says.
She was calm. Unlike Mark and I.
It was quiet for the first few minutes. Neither of us knows what to say.
"We have been dating," Mark admits, breaking the silence. I couldn't even turn to look at him, I was too sore to do so. "We've been dating for 4 months now, and we are in a pretty serious relationship."
She nods calmly, but I notice her knuckles turning white.
Why?
"How long have you been seeing each other?" she asks.
I take note of the journalists writing down every move we make, say, everything.
"When we were practicing for MAMA," Mark answers, his voice was shaky. He wasn't sure if this was right for us.
Are we ready to let the whole world know that we were dating? Am I ready to have comments thrown at me as if I wasn't human?
She nods again, "Mark, I'm just going to be honest," she sighs, putting her pen down, "you have been in this industry for more than 5 years," she says, "I can't tell you that you two should break up."
I could feel my throat closing up again, but I held back the tears.
"So, tell me right now, do you want us to confirm the relationship? Do you want us to lie about it? Or do you want to do your part and break up?" she asks. Before either of us could reply she continues, "the suggestion I can give you is to break up."
I felt my hands clench into a fist. I am sick and tired of couples breaking up after getting caught for dating. What is so wrong about dating? I'm human too, right? I am allowed to have feelings, so why is she telling me to break up?
"Confirm the relationship," I choke out, trailing my eyes away from the wood coloured table. I could feel all eyes on me- even Mark, the person who has been avoiding me all day. "We are in love, and we have no plans on breaking up any time soon. So, confirm the relationship."
I see her jaw clench but she nods. She forces a smile, "of course."
The meeting ended soon after, leaving Mark and I in the room.
"You okay?" I hear him ask me.
With red eyes, I turn and face him, my lips trembling in fear. Mark doesn't hesitate to wrap his arms around my body.
"You did so good, baby," he whispers in my ear, pulling away to scan my face. His soft fingers stroked my cheeks, "we did so good," he smiles reassuringly, "we don't have to hide from anyone anymore."
With trembling hands, I removed his hands from my face, "do you think it will be different?"
"Hm?"
"Us," I say, looking away from the boys, "with our relationship being exposed, do you think it will be different?"
Mark smiles, "why would it be any different? If anything, we can now do everything we want without worrying."
I inhale, nodding, "you're right. I'm sorry. I'm just- it has been crazy."
Mark smiles, leaving his arm around my shoulder as we both trudge out of the room together.
When I left the room, I told Haneul that I would explain everything back home. I wanted to go back to Mark's place and make a sincere apology to everyone then I would go back to my old dorm.
When I entered the 5th floor apartment, I saw Haechan sitting in the living room. He was on his phone, scrolling.
He didn't need to tell me for me to know he was going through articles after articles about the dating news. Haechan has Instagram, but he has mentioned that he doesn't use it.
He heard my footsteps and looks up at me. His lips turn into a straight line.
"Hey," I whisper, taking a seat next to him. There was a huge gap between us though. "I just wanted to say that I was sorry," I voice out, my eyes were glued on the floor, "I was being very careless with my relationship with Mark. And... because of me, I ruined the whole group reputation," I sigh, feeling the tears well up again, "Again, I'm really sorry for the trouble that I have caused," I choked out, my head bowing lower.
It was quiet for a few minutes, until I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Diana," I hear Haechan say, "I shouldn't have reacted the way I did," he says, "we are all human beings too, we are meant to be loved, and give love. What I said was selfish- I only cared about my reputation. I'm sorry, too."
I lift my head, looking at Haechan who was looking at me sympathetically.
I smile.
Ever since I was introduced to Haechan, the both of us automatically became very close to the hip. He was one of the members I would text the most. The moment something funny happens, Haechan would be the first person I would talk to. At this point, I have considered him as my best friend.
And when he got angry earlier, I genuinely thought that our friendship have gone astray. I thought that this would be the reason why we would stop being friends. I wasn't only scared to lose Mark during this scandal, but I was afraid to lose my friends too.
Haechan pulls me into a huge hug, making me land on his chest. I giggle, pinching his stomach before pulling away.
For the first time today, I had a smile plastered on my face.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
I take a deep breath, punching in the code before unlocking the door. I take off my shoes, entering the place that I once called home.
"Diana, what the fuck is going on?" was the first thing I heard when the members see me enter.
"It's all settled," I tell them with a heavy heart, "Mark and I decided that we would make our relationship public."
I didn't get the response I wanted to. Everyone was dead silent, looking at me as if I was crazy.
"Are you out of your fucking mind?" Chaewon snarls, glaring at me. "Gosh, Diana, you might be one of the most selfish person I have ever met!"
"W-what?"
"None of us has ever said this because we didn't want to hurt you, but don't you see it? You were the only one who received acting gigs while we all had to stay home and find way to make money," Chaewon says, pacing around the room, "while you easily earned money, the rest of us had to borrow money from our parents."
"I.. I never knew you guys felt that way-"
"Of course you didn't!" Chaewon yells out, scaring me. "You only cared about yourself! You were out there dating, having fun while I'm here trying my best for us to get a comeback!"
My eyebrows furrow in anger, "look, I know you don't like Mark but-"
She shakes her head, cutting me off, "I didn't like you dating from the start," she says, "I knew something bad was going to happen when you got caught. And now look at what's happening."
I kept quiet, staring at the ground as I absorbed her words. Chaewon was right, the group had to suffer because of me. While I was out earning money of my own, everyone else had to suffer.
"Chaewon doesn't mean that-"
"Oh, I did mean it. Every single word I said," Chaewon cuts off Yujin.
"Chaewon, I think that's enough," Haneul raises her voice. "From the start, we promised to never criticise another member," Haneul says, "we agreed that dating wouldn't be a problem before we even debut."
The moment I hear Chaewon scoff, another tear rolls down my cheek.
"If Haneul feels happy with Mark then shouldn't we support her?"
"We were finally getting attention, Haneul," this time Junsol was the one who speak. She almost sounded like she was pleading, "Diana, I love you, I really do, but all of us in this room loves the group."
She's right. I'm being selfish.
"I'm not upset that you're getting more recognition than us," Junsol continues, he voice soft, "but I'm just saying that I want to perform everywhere. I want to be well known. And our group name is going to be stained because of... this."
I close my eyes, tears trickled down my cheeks. "I'm sorry," I finally choked out, wiping a tear. "I didn't know that I made you guys feel like this. It was my fault and I'll take responsibility for it."
That was the last thing I said before I left the apartment.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
a/n omgggg everyday i check the reads just go up by 50 omg thank yall so muchhh!! also this book is going to end so sooooon
i can't wait for it to end so i can release heart signal!! :)