"Meredith?"
Her voice was shaky, but she managed to get the words out, trying to keep her breathing steady as possible, "Can I come and see you?"
****
She didn't even know why she was doing this, why she was calling him of all people. But her mind was thinking of that time, in the on-call room, when he'd just held her, and not asked questions. He'd just comforted her and let her be, and she really needed that right now. She needed to not be alone in her apartment, and anyone else would ask too many questions. She felt suffocated and she had to go.
"It's getting late," his voice sounded a little unsure, hesitant, "Is everything okay?"
"I, uhm – no, not really," she laughed humourlessly, bringing her thumb to her mouth, biting slightly at the thought he might say no.
"Are you okay to drive?" he said, and she had to hold back an audible sigh of relief, "Maddie just got to sleep, but I can put her in the car if you need me to come and get you from somewhere, or I can get you cab?"
"I can call a cab, I had some wine earlier, and I...," her voice was timid, as though she was about to start crying at any moment, "I'll be about twenty minutes."
"Okay, text me when you get here," he said.
"Yeah, I will, see you soon," she practically whispered before hanging up the call.
****
He threw his phone down onto the couch, running his hands over his face a moment. He couldn't believe this was happening. She was so hot and cold with him, and he didn't understand it. One minute she wanted him to leave her alone and the next she was coming over at eleven at night because something had upset her. He couldn't say no to her, though. That's the last thing he wanted. If she was willing to let him in, or even just let him be there for her, he wasn't going to turn that down.
He moved around, picking up after Maddie from earlier when she'd decided they had to have a tea party. He tried to keep his mind focused, not to worry too much about the tone of Meredith's voice when she had called. But he couldn't help it. He couldn't help but be filled with complete worry at the shakiness of her words, the way she had whispered her words as if she couldn't speak any louder.
He hadn't even noticed the time passed when he heard a small knock on his front door, and he moved quickly to answer it, thankful it hadn't been loud enough to wake Maddie. He opened the door, immediately zoning in on her eyes. Tired, slightly red, vulnerable.
His first instinct was to pull her into his arms, but he knew that he couldn't just do that. He didn't want to startle her or have her pull away any more from him. He wanted to be there for her, and he was struggling trying to figure out the best way he could do that.
"Hey," he said quietly, stepping to the side to let her in, not missing the tears streaks on her cheeks, her timid demeanour as she moved inside.
"Hey, thanks for... I'm sorry to bother you so late, but I just... I didn't want to be alone," she murmured, clutching some form of book against her chest as she took her coat off.
"It's okay, I'm glad you called," he said with a soft smile, taking her coat from her, "Can I get you a drink or anything?"
"Water would be good," she nodded, smiling back slightly, but he could see the watery look in her eyes as she pressed her lips together.
"Come on then," he led the way into the kitchen, grabbing two glasses and filling them up with water.
"You've been preparing for tomorrow?" she said with a soft laugh, still a hint of sadness still lingering.
"Yeah," he returned her laughter, placing a glass of water in front of her on the counter, "Maddie had me put together a whole list of things that were of very high importance for a picnic."
"Oh wow," her smile widened slightly as she took a sip of water, "She's really excited about it, isn't she?"
"She definitely is, it helped get her to sleep actually," he said, sipping his water.
"Really?" she raised an eyebrow in amusement.
"Yeah, she wanted tomorrow to come quickly, so that means going to sleep as soon as she can, like on Christmas," he shrugged, grinning slightly as he remembered last Christmas.
"That sounds adorable," she exhaled softly.
He noticed she still held the book close to her as she sipped at her water, and he wanted to ask. He really wanted to ask about it, but he probably shouldn't. She'd talk when she was ready, he assumed.
"Are you okay?" he decided to ask gently.
"That's a loaded question," she whispered as her head shook a little.
He couldn't help but frown slightly at the obvious sadness in her eyes, the tiredness that exuded from her. He wasn't sure what to do. He wasn't sure what the boundaries were between them at the moment, and he just had to assume she would set them. She would reach out to him if she needed him.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked carefully, watching the moment of indecision flash across her features.
"If I start, I won't stop," she said, her voice still a whisper as she sniffled slightly.
"Whatever you're comfortable with, even if it's not talking about it, I'm here," he assured her, his hand resting on the table between them.
"You're too good for me," she glanced to his hand before wiping just under her eyes, "it's like this whole other side of you has come out since Maddie arrived."
"What do you mean?" he tilted his head to the side, vaguely amused by her observation.
"You were a lot more forward when we first met, and the subsequent times, before... before I went away," a light smirk graced her lips, "I did find it rather charming."
"You did, did you?" he chuckled slightly.
"Yeah, I did enjoy our time together," she shook her head a little as if to focus herself before she continued, her brow furrowed, "Anyway, I might be getting off track, I'm not entirely sure what my point was."
"You were saying I was too good for you, and I wanted to dispute that," he sipped at his water again.
They were silent a moment as Meredith drank more of her water, her eyes drifting downwards at the book in her arm. He looked at it a little closer, realising it was some sort of photo album, the possible cause of her upset. Again, he would wait for her to offer the information.
"I don't see how you can dispute that; I've completely messed you around," she shook her head, "Messed everyone around."
"I'm sure you have reasons for your actions, Mer," he sighed softly, moving around the counter to her, "It doesn't make you a bad person, not in the slightest, and it doesn't mean I'm too good for you, or anything like that."
"I kicked Brian out," she murmured, chewing on her bottom lip as she looked down, clearly avoiding looking sat him, "He... I can't... fuck."
He watched quietly, giving her a moment as she caught her breath, not missing the tears in her eyes as she glanced up at the ceiling. He couldn't help but ask softly, "Are you okay?"
"He tried to take the nursery down!" she let out in a gasped sob, looking up at him with an almost desperate look in her eyes.
He had absolutely no idea what she was talking about, or what she meant, and damn him if he was going to ask her this right now as she broke down in sobs in front of him. His arms immediately wrapped around her, bringing her against his chest as she cried.
At this point he could do nothing but console her, his hand rubbing her upper back, kissing the top of her head. He just held her as she buried her face into his shoulder, still clutching the photo album between them. He didn't know how much time had passed, but she eventually started to pull back from him, her breaths normalising as she set the book down on the counter, showing him the front cover.
It was a baby blue, pastel in shade, adorned with darker blue letters spelling out the name 'Noah'. He frowned in slight confusion, glancing up at her as she watched him.
"I... my son, Noah," she whispered, biting her lip in slight hesitation.
"You have a son?" he asked quietly, his hand reaching to her shoulder.
"Yeah... had, no have but... have," she sighed, almost exhausted, which didn't surprise him.
"You don't have to talk about it if you're not ready, Mer," he assured her, gently squeezing her shoulder as she leant forward into him, her head on his shoulder.
He couldn't even begin to comprehend the pain she must feel. The pain from losing a child. He would never have even begun to think that this was something she had been through. It was so clear that this was something she kept private, kept to herself, and didn't share with anyone. But now she was sharing it with him, and part of him felt honoured that she'd told him this much so far, regardless of the rest of the story.
"I want to, I want to tell you about it," she whispered before looking up at him, "Can we go sit down?"
"Yeah, come on," his arm moved around her waist, and he motioned toward the album, "Do you want to bring this?"
"Yeah, it's... I want to show you," she nodded, picking it up in her hand as she pulled from him, heading into the living room ahead of him.
He followed her in, watching as she sat cross-legged on the couch, the album in her lap. He sat down beside her, moving his hand over hers carefully, thankful when she didn't pull away.
"I got pregnant. Almost four years ago," she spoke quietly, turning her hand beneath his and letting him hold it, "Noah was born at twenty-four weeks, and he lived for four days before we, or I, agreed to withdraw care."
Her voice seemed to be devoid of emotion, as though she had detached herself from what she was telling him. He could almost understand why, as well. He wanted to know more, but he didn't want to make her feel any more of the pain. He wanted to take away her pain, make her happy again. But he had to listen, understand more. Be there for whatever it was she needed, even if it meant seeing her in pain.
"I'm so sorry, Mer," he said quietly, gently squeezing her hand, leaving the words hanging in the air between them as she lowered her head and leaned into his side again.
"I still have his nursery together. Brian wanted me to move on, take it down, he started taking it down and I just... couldn't," she shook her head as she turned against him, hiding against him.
"That's who Brian is to you?" he asked gently, running his fingers through her hair.
"Hmm," she nodded, "We were together for just over a year before I got pregnant, and then after everything... we didn't last long, and we were in two completely different places in our lives at that point. He was happy to move on, he wanted to just carry on with our lives as though nothing had happened, or at least that's what it seemed like."
He stayed quiet, hanging on to each word she said as she continued with her story. He stayed there, just holding her and being there as she did so, rehashing each detail. She took breaks now and again, catching her breath, but he didn't interrupt her once. He was eternally grateful that she was trusting him with this information, even if it did partially seem as though she was just letting it all off her chest.
He was the one she had chosen to talk about this with. And that meant the world to him.