Hello, so I don't know. The race yesterday was just ... I really don't know. Felt like I should say something. Let me know what you think. About the race, the chapter, whatever. I'm here for a chat. Enjoy the chapter and have a nice day!
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"Remind me never to argue with you again. I love your pool." Daniel said, floating a little bit on his back, before swimming to the pool edge again, where Joanna was sitting. Her legs dangled into the water, but she preferred to stay on the edge, not really motivated to go into the water for now.
"Thanks, asshole. Love you too." She replied, which caused Daniel to snicker, his arms propped up on the edge of the pool with his head resting on his arms, his eyes following Joanna.
"Thanks, by the way. For dealing with Niki." Daniel said while splashing a little bit with his feet, which caused Joanna to smirk at him.
"My father, my responsibility." She told him with the shrug of her shoulder. But Daniel wanted to argue. She always did that, Joanna always felt like she was responsible for the world and that's why so many people looked up to her and loved her, but Daniel knew that one day it will be her downfall. One day, Joanna will realize that she can't save everybody and she will suffer greatly. Daniel only hoped at being there for her and supporting Joanna will be enough should that day come.
"Have you ... does Max know that I ... well, like both?" He changed the topic, a pained expression resting on his handsome face, but he relaxed a little bit as he saw Joanna shake her head.
"Really isn't my place to tell him, huh?" She said and Daniel wanted to reply, but hearing the door which led to the Spa open stopped him. Daniel watched Joanna as she looked over to the door only to smile. A genuine and sincere smile that Daniel hasn't seen for a while.
Joanna was always very controlled. Her emotions were not something she wanted to show the world without a filter, which is why her smile in the paddock is always a bit muted, but in private Joanna was exactly how the fans imagined the Austrian to be. Daniel knew that many of the other drivers claimed that Joanna was only pretending, that she wore a mask, but when she felt safe and was surrounded by people she trusted unconditionally, then he saw the young Austrian again, eating pizza with him and Jules competitively until neither of them could move anymore.
Daniel was glad to see her like that, but it also hurt. They would never again eat pizza until they couldn't move any longer, not with Jules missing. Sometimes Daniel was jealous of Joanna. She didn't lose the love of her life, she still was able to have all these little and big moments with Max. He was jealous, but in the end, Daniel knew that Joanna deserved happiness more than anyone else on this fucked up planet.
"Took you long enough," Joanna said with fake annoyance, as Max sat down next to her only wearing his swim trunks and a Red Bull T-shirt.
"Oh, I'm so terribly sorry, your majesty. Can you ever again forgive me?" Rolling her eyes, Joanna got hold of his shirt, before pulling him closer. She was smiling, Daniel could see that she was enjoying the banter between the two of them, but in the last moment, before kissing the Dutch, she glanced at Daniel for a second and then let go of Max's shirt.
"God damn it, Joanna," Daniel muttered. "Just kiss him, I will survive seeing some affection between my friends." He added, which caused Max to look at him amused, while Joanna seemed a little bit embarrassed.
"Hey, Dan." Max greeted his teammate then, watching as Daniel nodded at him once in greeting with a cheeky smile like usual.
"Are you going to join me, because your woman seems quite content in the dry?" The Aussie said after a moment in which Max and Joanna shared a look Daniel didn't understand.
"Sure." The Dutch replied with a shrug, before pressing a kiss against Joanna's temple and getting up to get rid of his t-shirt, before getting into the pool as well.
Daniel watched Joanna for a moment while Max swam over to them, only to put his hand on Joanna's upper thigh, which caused the Austrian to rest her hand on his.
"What's wrong?" Daniel asked as Joanna and Max again shared this strange kind of look. Something was going on both of them didn't want to speak about it as long as the Aussie was present as well.
"I'm not feeling so well as of lately." Joanna finally replied, which caused Daniel to look at Max, who seemed like it wasn't his place to say anything, but Daniel also realized that Max knew. Whatever was going on, his younger teammate was well aware of it.
"Is it serious? Are you sick?" Daniel wanted to know and thinking about it, he remembered that Sebastian seemed very worried about her. Even Lewis said that something was wrong with Joanna and both of them didn't believe her as she told them that she was simply coming down with something.
"No. I'm no sick. It's just...." Joanna trailed off, only for Max to step in.
"She's pregnant." He simply said, which caused Daniel to look at him with wide eyes, before looking over at Joanna.
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"You should have simply shut up," Joanna told Max angrily as they were cleaning dinner away after Daniel had left. The Aussie was surprised but happy to congratulate his friends. Even though Joanna could see in Daniel's eyes that there was something else as well.
Cursing under her breath, Joanna knew how to speak with Daniel and she also knew that this conversation would have needed a lot of empathy. Max's bluntness was the worst which could have happened.
"So now I am not even allowed to talk anymore." Max huffed, causing Joanna to roll her eyes.
"You know that's not what I meant. I just wanted to tell him on my terms when I was ready."
Daniel wasn't a delicate flower, but after what has happened with Jules last year, she wanted to be a little bit more careful while telling him about the news and she wanted Sebastian to know before Daniel. It wasn't something personal, Sebastian already was a father and might be able to give her good advice on how to approach the topic with Daniel and her future team, but Max ruined all of that.
"Is that before or after the baby is born?" Max shot back, which caused Joanna to sharply look at him.
"You mean the baby that you may or may not want?" Starring at each other, none of them spoke.
There was still this one little detail that Max still hadn't decided if he wanted to father this child or not and Joanna didn't want anyone to know before they were sure about what to do.
The accident made Joanna realize that in Max she had found the love of her life. To hell with the age difference or with the fact that Max was still so young and therefore couldn't know what he wanted in life.
The Austrian knew that they were at different stages in their lives. Max was just learning what it meant to be himself. He was living in the here and now and was in the process of building the life that everyone his age wanted. Fast cars, lots of money, luxurious properties, and an exciting career. Joanna already had all that. She owned mansions in different countries all over the world, had an impressive collection of cars as well as F1 cars, and not one but two world champion titles. She was beautiful, quite young, and filthy rich. Her eyes were now on the future. To what could be after.
Joanna understood that Max was hesitant. That he did not want to make this huge decision and take on this level of commitment yet. If she had been in this situation at his age, she would have immediately got on the next plane to Amsterdam to have the child removed. She wouldn't have even considered giving birth and then keeping it. At that time, she was barely capable of looking after herself, let alone a baby. She always knew that if she ever had a child, she wanted to be able to offer it something. To be a good mother, and at nineteen she would never have been able to do that.
When she was nineteen, Mark was the center of her existence, even if she only grudgingly remembered it. Her own naivety. The way she thought that if Mark would be busy with her, he would stop his crusade against Sebastian, her only friend on the grip back then. Well, Sebastian and Michael were her only friends back then.
And at the same time one of the few memories she looked back on with a smile. Joanna always felt protected and cared for when the two men who shared her mother tongue were with her. Micheal with a piece of kind advice whenever asked and Seb with a cheeky comment, which would cause her to laugh. Not even Mark and Fernando could ruin her mood when she was with them. She missed Michael.
"Daniel's your friend and not the first one to worry about you. Sebastian came to me to ask if I know anything. I don't want to have to lie to your friends." Max argued, his arms crossed over his chest, which caused Joanna to lean back against the skin, watching him closely. He ignored her statement about his decision about the baby.
"I know that you don't understand that but Daniel is fragile. Telling him like that was the worst thing you ever did. Especially now." Joanna lectured Max while storing the cleaned cutlery away.
"Either you tell me what Daniel's problem is and we'll talk about it like adults or I'm leaving because this is just immature. We are not children playing I know something you don't know." Max said, still not moving to help Joanna.
Huffing at Max's words, Joanna rolled her eyes, which Max couldn't see from his position behind her. "And threatening to simply leave isn't immature?"
"You told me to go more than once already," Max replied without a second thought, causing Joanna to turn around sharply to look at him.
"Well, I'm not stopping you, am I?" She challenged and normally Max would apologize now. Be the voice of reason, but the Dutch had enough. He hated that Joanna always tried to use his age against him when they were fighting. She knew that that was a sore topic, especially because of the age difference which mattered now more than it would in about five years.
"Fine. Let me know when you're ready to talk like an adult again. I'm going home." Max said and moments later Joanna heard the door banging shut. Snorting in annoyance, she threw the plate she was holding against the next wall, where it shattered into a thousand pieces.
The urge to destroy is also a creative urge. Her father used to say that as Joanna was still young and got into trouble more often than not for losing her temper. Biting her lip, she didn't want to think about her childhood. Fighting with Max was enough emotional ballast for a day.
Exhaling softly, the Austrian moved to clean away the broken pieces but stopped at hearing the sound of an incoming message. Checking her phone, Joanna furrowed her browns at Seb's text.
GPDA decision. A small gathering on Wednesday before the race in Japan to remember Jules. Hope you're doing better.
Swallowing slowly, Joanna sent a thumbs up, nothing more. Another ghost she had to face.
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6. October 2016
Flying to Japan alone was torture. Joanna couldn't describe it any other way. She had far too much time to think about things that were going wrong in her life at the moment. She thought about Jules and his last message to his friends, which Joanna had not passed on until today, she thought about the baby and Max, about her father and the relationships with her friends. It seemed as if she could never keep up all her friendships at the same time. When she got on better with Daniel, Sebastian and Lewis slipped away. It was as if someone wouldn't allow her to have more than one good relationship.
Sitting on one of the comfortable-looking armchairs Joanna waited for Kiwi to check them in. Rather than scrolling through some of her social media apps. Not that she was handling her official Instagram herself or something. That was all Kiwi's doing, but she had a private one as well. Sometimes she was interested in what the others posted and maybe she liked the fact that she was able to like something without people talking about it and judging her.
Maybe Joanna found other people's misery hilarious, especially when they were doing stupid shit and karma hit them right away, but that was personal. She didn't want to be judged for laughing when a child facepalmed their birthday cake. Or the video of that guy, who jumps into a frozen pool and doesn't break through the ice, fucking hilarious but not to everyone's taste.
After all the years, she saw no use in standing next to her PR agent, which acted more like a personal assistant anyways, simply to be ignored until someone would hand her a keycard and tell her a room number with a bright fake smile on their face.
Feeling watched, Joanna normally ignored the urge to look up, because that usually encouraged the fans, or even worse people from the media to come over and ask her for something, a picture, an autograph, or a statement but this time she looked up. Only to catch a glimpse of blond hair. Joanna knew right away, who the blond hair belonged to, without seeing the man's face. After all these years, there was no need to.
Leaning back in her seat, Joanna saw as he disappeared into the elevator. Another familiar person already standing there, a green smoothy in hand and his loyal companion by his side. Sometimes she wondered if they would ever stop playing this game with each other. They both had to be so used to it by now that it must have felt like going into withdrawal if they didn't try to get in each other's way.
The line between enemy and lover has always been narrow, but these two sparred on it like Olympic gymnasts. They probably no longer knew what they were to each other. Once upon a time, they were friends, now they were shattered pieces for what they've been once.
Joanna didn't understand why they were so drawn to each other. Always going back for yet another emotional beating. But who is she to judge when her relationship with Mark was as tangled and unhealthy as theirs. Other than them, she didn't sleep with Mark, hadn't in a long time, not since Max was in her life. Well, thank fuck. She really wouldn't want to have a Bridget Jones situation here. Not knowing which of the guys you fucked was the father must suck.
Despite all the hurt and the distrust, she understood why they decided to be together on this weekend of all weekends, nevertheless. It's hard to be reminded of being mortal. It's hard to know that you will never be immortal.
Bones break. Blood spills. Skin wrinkles. It's normal. Humans are fragile. They get sick and they die. It's nature's way, but when you feel immortal, like any racing driver does when he's pumped full of adrenaline and racing around a track as fast as possible, none of that matters until you're reminded of it again.
It's not always the death of a colleague that reminds you. It's sometimes little things, the first grey hair, the sudden need for glasses, the birth of the first child, the retirement of a friend.
Joanna didn't want to be alone now either but that was not a request, which Fernando did not seem to understand. Normally he avoided her like the plague and now he slumped down in the armchair next to hers.
"Want something?" Joanna asked after a few uncomfortable minutes in which Fernando stared at her, not saying a word and not moving a muscle.
"Was all you ever did to fuck with my mind?" Fernando asked after a moment which caused Joanna to lift an eyebrow. She knew what he was asking but Joanna was petty, she would give him a straight answer.
Watching him go, Joanna knew that the ghost of the past liked to hunt you when you were at your weakest, which is why Fernando has now asked this question. He hoped she was emotional enough about the anniversary of Jules' death to admit something she would never admit otherwise.
"What's the point of knowing?" She wondered out loud, knowing damn well that going there wouldn't help any of them. Knowledge was a curse.
"Why can't you answer a simple question like normal people." Fernando cursed under his breath, before he moved in his seat, sliding closer to her, before reaching out and lifting her chin just a few more inches. She could have pulled away, but she didn't. Joanna watched Fernando closely, as he gazed into her eyes.
The Austrian knew how this must have looked to anybody, who was walking past them, but she didn't care. Not in that exact moment. "Not your mind." Joanna finally muttered.
"It was always about Mark." She lied, which caused Fernando to let go of her, before leaving, an angry expression adorning his face, which caused Joanna to smirk.
Watching Fernando go, Joanna closed her eyes. Once upon a time, it wasn't about these fucking games. Back then, she wasn't playing. Back then, Joanna was nothing more than an innocent little girl but that was a long time ago. And the little girl Joanna had been back then has grown up. For better or rather for worse.
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Renault had sent them on a teambuilding seminar, in Spain in 2008 but they never got there. They preferred to spend the weekend at Fernando's mansion. At first, it was the same awkward atmosphere as always, but as time went on, the two of them started to open up until this one moment in Fernando's backyard.
Fernando watched the Austrian beauty lying next to him in the high grass. A gentle breeze whirled up the light fabric of her floral summer dress, but Joanna didn't care in the least. Her expression was truly blessed, even when her stormy eyes were closed. Her body was kissed by the sun, yet milk-white as if she was made of porcelain, the sun dared to mark her flawless skin with a set of adorable freckles.
Fernando sat up, looking down at the beauty next to him. Never had he seen her this way. Of course, the Spaniard knew that his teammate was beautiful, and a lot of men's gazes were lingering on her longer than they should, but he was never one of them. Fernando always felt like he was the one to take care of her and guiding her but no matter how hard he tried to resist, he no longer managed to just not see her in the way everyone else did.
Joanna was breath-taking, a wild and passionate being nobody was allowed to tame. She needed the adrenaline like the air she breathed. She couldn't be contained. She's not one to be controlled, she needed to run free, wild, and untamed.
He just couldn't stop himself from touching her, gently letting his finger run over her lower lip, which caused Joanna to open her stormy grey eyes, but she didn't look taken aback, no far more interested in what the next move would be. Daring the Spaniard with her gaze to go for it or leave it. He dragged her lower lips down a bit, before he took his hand away, watching her as she sat up.
Their eyes met and he knew his only option was to surrender. In all his life he had never seen such stormy grey eyes. It was like he looked into a massive storm that brewed over the sea but at the same time a calm lake where the sun was reflected shimmering on the surface of the water.
She gazed at his lips, hovering there just right in front of him before she decided to take over. Joanna gently placed her lips over Fernando's in a sweet and rather innocent kiss, which caused the Spaniard to sneak his hand over her cheek pulling her into a second kiss, before he came back to his senses and broke the kiss immediately, which seemed to frustrate the Austrian beauty, who was following Fernando's led to kiss him again, but the Spaniard has turned his head away from her. This was not what he had in mind as he asked Joanna to allow him to take her away and not what the team had expected from them. He asked her to come with him, so they could come clear with each other.
"Better not." He mumbled, as he watched Joanna, who has turned around on her belly, so she was facing away from him, looking at her bracelet. It seemed like she was thinking about something to say but instead she just climbed over Fernando, so she was seated between his leg in such a smooth manner, that he was amazed and even more surprised as she kissed him, this time with a lot more passion, like she wanted to prove something, not to Fernando but herself.
Maybe she still thought she was unlovable, even though Fernando knew that she was seeing someone. He wasn't sure if they were something serious at all, but the way she was on her phone all the time, smiling at texts, she surely had something going on. Seb probably, at least Fernando thought so.
The older Renault driver kissed back, before he pushed her away gently but with a certain determination, making it clear that this wasn't going to happen.
"Nah ...No. No. No. We should go." He told her, which caused Joanna to sit up properly this time, hugging her knees towards her chest in an annoyed manner. Fernando was about to stand up but stayed seated as he saw Joanna's expression. He sighed and placed his hand on Joanna's knee, but he couldn't bring himself to look at her.
"That's all you say?" She questioned him, which caused Fernando to meet her eyes before breaking away under her intense gaze.
"I know myself. I know myself and we have done nothing to be ashamed of. It's okay, it's good, but we need to stop now. We can't cross that line." Joanna continued to look away from Fernando, she felt like she was a seven-year-old again and her father would scold her for doing something naughty.
Fernando on the other hand was at a loss. He had started this. He had kissed her and now he was telling her off. That wasn't right but the Spaniard didn't know what else to do. Nando was in desperate need to think for a while and he only could do that alone.
"I'm in the house if you need me." The Spaniard told her, kissing the crown of her head, which she didn't even acknowledge, before leaving her be. After all, he was sure Joanna needed some time to think right now as well.
It was one little thing, not important in the big picture of happenings in both their lives, but it changed so much.
Everything was good until this point. Yes, they've fought before, but never like the fights which came after this weekend in Spain. Joanna and Fernando reinvented the garage war and Joanna won. She was the Renault champion at the end of the year. She started to sleep with Mark, Fernando's best friend but soon learned that that was one of her biggest mistakes.
From there on everything went to shit and she still held a grudge against Fernando because of that. After finally freeing herself from her childhood and the things which have happened in the monastery school.
Her whole life could have turned out differently would he have taken her with him, would she have followed Fernando into the house. If he had been a little braver and asked her to come with him, but she didn't think about that any longer. It would have never worked.