I tried to fall asleep that night but in no way would my body let me. I kept thinking about it. That image swirled in my head like a venom coursing through my veins, smirking at me, taunting me, stabbing me in the heart with its wicked laugh and sharp teeth. It stung.
I knew Roman was hurt. I knew that video shattered him to pieces. However, he slept with me. We had sex and then the next morning he was gone. Granted, he was probably at the meeting about Skye, but he could have told me that. He also left me his clothes and I didn't know whether it was a compassionate gesture or a gesture out of curtesy. Yet, he still left. Then I find him with his tongue down Nikki's throat. Nikki!
It only led me to wonder what would have happened if I didn't walk in when I did. He was going to have sex with her. I could imagine in. His hands tangled in her box-died auburn hair as he pounded into her from behind.
I wanted to be sick. Or cry. Or both.
Every time I dared to close my eyes, it was there. She even looked right at me with a teasing, cruel stare to let me know that he was now in her orbit. Not mine.
Several times did I have to swallow down the stinging bile that crawled up my throat. Pain. That's what I felt. Pain. And it was a pain only I alone allowed to fall into the cracks of our 'what could have been'.
I tried to forget about it for the whole of the next day, but it still lingered there. Every second my mind wasn't occupied it came to the front and tormented me in a sick reminder of my heartbreak and guilt.
Now it was Saturday, and I roamed the school halls to the English classroom. It felt weird being at school on a weekend, it was like a foreign country, but I kept my mind focused on the task at hand and approached the English classroom.
Cautiously, I knocked on the door and Mr Wright turned to me. It was weird seeing teachers in their 'weekend clothes' but luckily Mr Wright wasn't one of those wacky fashionistas and stuck to a pair of jeans and a sweater.
"Ah, Sienna." He greeted. "Sorry for making you come here on a Saturday, but I got an email from the UNC admissions team, and they want this interview like now."
"It's okay." I assured and walked into the room, plopping my bag on one of the desks. I was shitscared nervous because I had no idea what the questions were. I wasn't allowed to know. The whole point was to get my raw reaction to show 'who I truly am'.
Mr Wright finished setting up a camera on a tripod standing a meter or so away from the front of the room and I noticed a stall behind where I was standing.
"Nervous?" he smiled kindly.
I gave him a sheepish smile, "A little."
He chuckled softly and waved his hand, "You should be fine, don't worry. All that I need you to do is sit on that stall behind you and look into the camera when you give your answers. There are about five questions so it shouldn't take any longer than twenty minutes."
"Okay." I nodded and let out a deep breath. I climbed onto the stall and held my hands in my lap, subconsciously fiddling with my fingers out of sheer anxiety.
Mr Wright took a seat behind the camera and turned it on, giving me a thumbs up as he did so. I waited nervously for the first question.
"Name?" he asked. Well, that's easy.
"Sienna Callum." I answered effortless, thank God, because who knows what would have happened if I forgot my own name.
"School?"
"Northside High of Wisconsin." I now waited for the other questions.
"Going up for an English programme means a lot of reading I'm sure you're aware, have you always been into reading and if so, how did you get into it?"
I thought about the question for a while and scaled back in my mind. The short answer was 'yes', but why? Why did I want to start? How did I even start?
"Yes. I guess as a little girl I always loved the idea of pretending. The classic games of playing make-believe with your friends but I think I liked being alone too. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, but I also like being by myself sometimes. In reality, I loved the idea of getting to live through so many different perspectives as a child, letting myself fall into hundreds of adventures, and I liked doing in with my own company. Books supplied that for me, and so once I started and let myself fall into the different words full of amazing, unique characters, I couldn't stop really."
It was the same way I thought about reading now. I loved the escape, the way it let me live so many different lives, the way I got to feel and learn so many different things. That was how I began reading, with the need for adventure and new perspectives.
Mr Wright nodded to let me know I was doing well and continued on, "Why d'you think it is so many younger people have stopped enjoying reading today?"
I thought about it for a while and answered, "I guess school can suck the fun out of it sometimes. I understand that they want us to learn and develop in our skill, I mean, it's a school, it's what they're mainly for." I laughed nervously. "However, I think that sometimes schools don't necessarily choose the right books. In my opinion, if you choose an interesting book with a good story and fun characters, children will be more interested in it and therefore more interesting in reading, but since some schools only choose the basic books mainly used for academic purposes, you lose that magic that reading supplies. So, in the long run, whenever someone thinks back on reading, they think of those boring books they were forced to read in school and never want to turn back to that again."
Mr Wright nodded once more, giving me an interested and surprised look. I was trying to speak as eloquently as I could, but my nerves were getting the better of me and I tried to remain my formality.
"Tell me about your favourite novel and why it is your favourite out of all the literary works you've read." God, why did these questions sound so fancy?
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Emma by Jane Austen." I knew he knew that based on the essay that even got me a chance at this scholarship. "I read it when I was about fourteen and fell in love with the comedic approach it had. Most classics, I feel, are a little on the serious side, but with 'Emma' it gives this informality and fun whilst still containing the elements that make up a great classic. I also liked the fact that it gives an insight into a woman who is classed as 'unconventional' to some extent, when in reality, she's just multidimensional.
I found it funny how Jane Austen herself thought that the character of Emma would be a character people wouldn't really like and, at times, you don't in a way, but she's got some many ambiguities to her she feels so real and relatable. I think that's what made people of that time deem her as a bit 'unconventional' because she was a woman written as a person with complexities and dimensions when a lot of women are written as either good or bad. There's no in-between. But Emma's clever, she's independent, she's got a mind of her own and I think as a young girl, I really looked up to that. My mom used to say that being 'unconventional' was just going against societies securities."
I had never talked about a book so much before, but I felt nice. The only time I ranted about one was to Roman in that time he wanted space but would text me to ask me about my favourite books. I probably sent paragraphs and I didn't bother to ask if he read them all. Something in me knew he did. My heart hurt a little at the thought.
"What do you find challenges you most?" Mr Wright asked the next question. Damn, did they want a list? Think Sienna. What ties everything together.
"Being myself." I said out of nowhere. Mr Wright looked up at me and furrowed a brow. Shit. I awkwardly coughed and stuttered my words a bit, but he gave me a kind smile and a nod to continue. To be honest. Okay. I could do this.
"When people look at me." I began. "They saw this stereotypical 'mean girl' character – well, they used to, at least." Now I was practically invisible but that was better in my opinion. "You see, I felt so... insecure in myself that I wanted to have power. I used to watch those movies with the mean girls, and I saw how much power they had, how they ruled the high school. They had everything I wanted. I believed that if I turned into a girl like that, all my problems would go away." They didn't go away, they only made them worse.
"So, I did." I continued. "And, at first, it was fun. I had the designer clothes, pretty hair and makeup, gorgeous boyfriend, tons of friends. Yet, I soon realised that it wasn't... it wasn't me. In those movies, those are just characters, actresses playing a role that was meant to be stereotypical and one-dimensional because you're supposed to route for the main girl. They won't show you the reality, they don't want to. They don't show you the damage she's gone through to become so cruel and mean, the hurt and dependency she's built on her boyfriend so when he leaves her for the main girl she's depicted as some obsessed psycho-ex.
I learnt it all the hard way. Sure, I love doing my hair and makeup, I love putting on a pair of heels, I love going shopping and hanging out with my friends, but that's not a personality, and because I tried so hard to be this girl, I suppressed my personality and hurt myself even more. I ended up hating myself because of it. You see, I built this empire and for the longest time I thought it was rising me up and went it fell it crushed me. Although, I was wrong. I had built this empire and instead all it did was way me down, so when it finally fell, it fell off me and I never felt myself being freer."
It was the truth. I didn't want to get into college by pretending I was another person. I wanted to be honest, I wanted to show them that this was me. Take it or leave it.
I waited in silence for a few moments. It was weird because I completely forgot there was a camera in the room and that Mr Wright was behind it. Yet, I didn't really care.
"Final question." He spoke. "What do you think you can bring to this school."
"A new perspective." I answered. "In all honest, you could pick anyone for this scholarship, and they'd give you a different perspective. Out of the seven billion people in this world, old and young, we've all been through different things. Even the simplest of words can cause a unique memory or a reaction no one expects. It can be good, or it can be bad. I think you'll find with anyone that we all have different dimensions. With some people you have to dig a little deeper and with others its right there in front of you, but you just can't see it. So, you could pick anyone, and they'd bring something to the school, there are thousands of people who can bring what I can, but the difference is that I want to bring it. I want to give you that perspective, I want to learn, I want to develop. I want you to see that I want it. I'm finally allowing myself to be myself and with that I'm not afraid anymore to tell you what I think.
I just... I just want to help. I've learnt so much in my life and I'm still learning but I want to do that with this scholarship. It may not be enough." I gave a nervous laugh. "But I want that chance. Not need, not prefer. Want. I want to show you what I can do and how far I can grow."
I finished my sentence and let out a huge breath. Mr Wright nodded and reached to turn off the camera, once the little green light by the lens turned off, I let out a huge sigh of relief and slumped down in my chair.
"Was it okay?" I asked anxiously.
Mr Wright chuckled and turned to me, "It was amazing, Sienna. I don't think you realise how as a teacher I am very proud of you, but as a person, I am inspired by you."
"Inspired?" I blinked a few times I make sure I heard him correct.
"Yes. Inspired. You have grown so much since the first time you stepped into this classroom and the courage and determination you have shown is admirable. You should be very proud."
"Thank you." I felt myself turning red. A teacher had never given me such a compliment before.
"You're very welcome. You should consider being a teacher. I think the next generation can learn a lot from you. You'd be a real mentor." I mentor. I never thought about it that way.
I said my thank yous to him before collecting my bag and walking out of the classroom. For some reason, I felt a wave of emotion pass over me. I did it. That interview was now out there for UNC Chapel Hill to leave or take and, God, I hoped they took it. I hoped they saw at least something in me.
I did it. I actually freaking did it!
The wave of emotion got stronger and soon I found tears running down my cheeks. Not wanting to look like a crying maniac coming out of school on a Saturday, I rushed to the bathroom to fix myself up.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I smiled. I smiled the biggest smile I had in a long time and even let out a laugh. Tears fell down my cheeks more. I felt happy. Even if I didn't get the scholarship, for the first time I was being me. I was showing who I was and that on its own was the biggest achievement I could think of.
I heard the door swing open behind me and turned around. I froze at the person standing there.
"Sienna?" Adam said. What the hell?
"What the fuck do you want, Adam?" I asked, eyes narrowed. He wasn't going to ruin this moment for me. I wasn't going to let him.
"I saw you crying. Are you okay?" please, am I okay? Like he'd really care.
"Like you care." I huffed and turned back to the mirror, wiping the mascara under my eyes.
"I do..."
I rolled my eyes at the comment.
"I mean it, Sienna –"
"What the hell are you even doing here on a Saturday?" I huffed again, looking at him through the mirror, pulling some mascara out of my bag to fix my makeup.
"I had a meeting with Coach about the UF scholarship." He explained calmly. I was surprised he wasn't acting defensive. Usually when I asked him things, he was defensive.
"You got it?" a surprised tone leaked through my voice.
He sighed with a small chuckle, "Yeah. I got told a few weeks ago at the last game." D'you know the thing I hated the most? I felt happy for him. Urgh.
"What did your mom say?" stop asking, Sienna. It doesn't matter. But I always liked Adam's mom.
"She's really happy." He admitted. "I've never seen her this proud of me really." Adam's mom was one of the sweetest women I had ever met. It sucked she had such an asshole for a son.
"That's... great. Really." After all the hell Adam's mom had been through, I was glad her son gave her a little light. She deserved it. They both did really but I didn't want to admit that.
"Why are you here?" he then asked curiously.
"I'm going up for an English scholarship at UNC Chapel Hill."
He looked slightly taken aback as I said it and blinked a few times as if to process the words. "Wow... I mean... wow. That's amazing, Sienna."
"I know."
He frowned a little at my blunt answer and walked further into the room. "Can we talk?" he seemed a little apprehensive and... nervous? No. Adam never got nervous. He had cockiness for days.
"I don't really want to talk to you if I'm being honest. You don't deserve my time." I shoved my mascara and shoved it back in my back before I went to make a move to leave.
"I know." He blurted out as I got to the door. I stopped for a moment. "I know. I'm just... fuck... I'm so sorry."
My hand was still on the door. Ready to push it open. Yet, I didn't. "For what?" I couldn't help but ask.
"For everything." For everything. What did he mean by 'everything'? "For the way I let you for Leah. For the way I treated you before. The list can go on, but I don't think there's enough time in the world to say it all. I'm just.... I really am sorry."
"Why?" I croaked out. It was the words I had been dying to hear for so long from him. I'm sorry. And I hated how they actually meant something.
"Because I've been up my ass for so long and now, I realise how much I've hurt you." At least he was admitting he was an asshole. "Fuck... some of the thing I did... I used to think it was the way I was but now I've lost... now I've lost everything and... fuck... I realise how horrible I've been to you and how much I probably hurt you."
I swallowed the lump in my throat and turned around. "What d'you mean you've lost 'everything'?"
He ran a hand through his hair and chuckled sadly. "Taylor hasn't spoken to me in months and now I've fucked things up with Leah. And I mean I royally fucked things up." He messed up with Leah? I always thought she'd be the one to mess up.
"What did you do?" I raised a brow.
"She needed me." He put it coyly. "She really needed me and I wasn't there for her. I was an asshole, a huge one." I didn't want to pry his issues from him, but I could see that whatever happened caused a lot of pain.
I knew in that moment that I had been holding back. That i still had thing on my chest I wanted to scream. "I really fucking hate you." I confessed. "I hate everything about you. I hate how you left me. I hate how you treated me like I was nothing. I hate how I gave you so much and you made me feel so small. I hate how toxic we were. I hate that you made me feel so jealous and insecure in myself." I felt tears fill up my eyes as I spoke with such spite and pain.
"I know." He replied sadly, tears filling up his own eyes. "And I know there isn't anything I can do to make it better. I'm so fucking sorry, Sienna. I don't think I can tell you how much I hate myself for all the thing I've done to all the people in my life who actually gave a shit about me. I've lost Leah and it fucking hurts. I want to be better for her but all I can ever do for anyone I care about is fuck it all up." A tear fell down his cheek and he aggressively wiped it away. I waited a few seconds before I continued again.
"I hate how now I can't even communicate with the boy I would do anything for because I keep thinking he's going to end up being like you! I hate how I'm afraid of love because if you! I hate myself for it! I hate how you just left me and let me crumble to pieces because now all I want is to be the perfect person for that boy but it's been so fucking hard to put myself back together again!" I let the words fall from my lips as I wiped a tear away.
I even surprised myself at what I said. Yet, there was so much anger and aggression built up towards him. I wanted to let go of it, I wanted to be the bigger person.
"I'm sorry." He repeated, tears still falling down his cheeks. "I-I'm so, so sorry."
I leant back on the sink and took a deep breath, growing at the floor, "Was it something I did? Was I not good enough?"
"No." he shook his head. "No. It wasn't anything you did. You were fucking perfect, Sienna. I want you to know that."
"I want you to do better, Adam." I confessed. "I mean it. I don't want another girl to be treated the way you treated me. I don't want her to go through those years of torment. Even if it is Leah."
"I... I don't know if I can." He whispered quietly.
"Well, I don't fucking care." I bluntly snaped. "You can do it. For everyone else's sake."
"Sienna –"
"No!" I interrupted. "I hate the way you treated me, how you've left me with so many scars, how you weren't the person you promised to be. But you can't change the past and I want you to be better. Even if it is for her. So, I want you to promise me to do just that instead. And I want you to keep it."
He looked at me for a moment and didn't say anything. "I don't think –"
"Oh, shut the fuck up! I don't care what you think! Life is gonna throw two paths at you, a good one and a bad one and if you think you're that much of a fucking idiot go down the bad one and ruin yourself and everyone around you, you make that stupid mistake but that's on you. You have a chance, Adam. I know damn well you do, and I'm not going to sit here and play pity party. I'm over you! I'm over this whole fucking think so I'm giving you a choice. You either change or you don't, but I want you to promise me you will."
He stared at me a moment, shocked at everything I had said. He coughed slightly and wiped his years away, composing himself more. "Okay." He whispered. "I... I promise."
"Okay." I sighed. "Good."
I walked to the door and turned around. "For what it's worth, I will forgive you. I'm a bigger person than what I used to be. Just... please. Change. If there is one thing that can make any of this better. It's for you to change."
I pushed the door open and heard him whisper. "Thank you. For everything."
I left, and for the first time in my life, I felt wings lifted everything off of. All the pent up fear and anger lifted off me and suddenly, for the first time in a long time, I found peace.
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❤︎ hello lovelies! I'm currently out right now but I knew I couldn't leave you guys hanging! How do we feel about the chapter? I feel like Sienna's got a lot of closure now from Adam and I'm so happy for her! It was a very fun but emotional chapter x
❤︎ Theories? What will happen next?
❤︎ please don't forget to click the little star to vote and comment, have a lovely day! xx