Chapter 30: Coming home
"Paano kapag wala na akong babalikan?"
Iyan ang unang tanong ko kay Mommy nang dumating kami sa States. Tanong na ilang buwan pa bago nagsimulang magbigay si Mommy ng sagot.
Maliban kay Kaden, ayaw nila akong umuwi kahit ilang linggo ang nakalipas mula noong pagdating namin. Mommy broke my SIM card in front of me. I hated her for two months until I have learned why my mood changes everytime I think of Fidai, I think of the land I left promptly.
Siguro nga may mga dahilan kung bakit nangyari iyon sa amin. Pagdating namin ng California, sinalubong kami nila Tito Mikael at Tita Kristen, half-American and half-Filipino na asawa ni Tito. They all made decisions for me. I was left to follow their orders.
Kinabukasan noon, umalis si Tito kasama ang asawa niya upang mamamahala sa C & H. And Lolo guided me how to run the hotels they owned here in California.
I started working in The Landbay Hotel California, Lolo's very own. Months and months, Lolo is supervising me. And during that time, hindi ko pa rin pinapansin si Mommy. I really hated her but not for long.
Kalaunan napapatawad ko naman siya. Gusto niyang hindi mangyayari ang nangyari noon kay Daddy. I understand it, but in that day when she decided we leave Philippines, I was surprised, shocked, horrified. All negative emotions is gathering inside me.
"Miss Felicano, Sir Felix is in the lobby." sabi ng secretary ko rito.
Hinilot ko ang aking sentido bago tumugon sa intercom. "I'll be right there."
Inayos ko na ang aking pagmumukha. Felix is a friend. Board member ang magulang at paminsan siya ang naging representative nito kaya kami nagkakilala.
Bumaba na ako pagkatapos ng pag-aayos sa sarili. Binabati ako ng mga employees at tipid naman akong ngumiti sa kanila.
This hotel is such taller than C & H. This is about 73 floors and there's an adjacent building with 52 floors down, still part of The Landbay.
"My, my..." nakangising bungad ni Felix sa akin.
I rolled my eyes. "Let's go, I'm hungry."
"Sure, my lady." tawa niya pa.
"Good night, Miss Felicano." bati ng mga receptionist.
Ngumiti ako nang bumaling sa mga ito. "Good night,"
They giggled even when Felix smiled as well. Napailing na lang ako. Kahit kailan talaga ang isang ito. He is Canadian-Filipino. Just like Jason, he really likes pestering me kahit may girlfriend naman ito.
Dumiretso kami sa kabilang building kung saan naroon ang night life viewing restaurant. Dumiretso kami sa nakasanayan na lamesa. Nasa dulo ng balkonahe.
"May I take your order, Ma'am, Sir?" tanong ng waitress.
"The usual for me and a glass of wine." tugon ko.
"Yeah, same as her."
"I'll be back by 10 minutes with your food." ani ng waitress at umalis.
Nilabas ko ang aking cellphone. At si Felix ay sumandal sa kanyang inuupuan na may mapanuring tingin sa akin kaya nagbuntonghininga ako at inip na tumingin sa kanya.
"You look like a girl in a long distance relationship."
Mataman ko siyang tiningnan. "I am a girl in a relationship with myself. #PromoteSelfLove."
Tumawa siya. "Let those men court you, Ee. May the best man wins."
"Trying to be a wingman again, Felix." iling ko at binalingan ang aking cellphone.
Kaden:
Makatulog na ang kambal, Ate. Naghahanap sa'yo pero tumatahan naman.
Ako:
Thanks, Kad. I'll be home later, tatapusin ko lang ito dito.
Kaden:
Okay. Baka magising, hindi ko lang sila nilipat.
Ako:
I'll do it when I get home. Good night.
Kaden:
Good night, Ate. Ingat ka diyan.
"This will our last dinner before your trip, Felix. Stop giving me that full of suspicion look." sabi ko. "I'll tell Eliza a make-up story. Beware."
Humalakhak siya at umiling. "She's more concern about you than texting me to be careful for my flight."
"You're lucky she's an awesome lady, Felix. It's not everyday you can find someone who will stay forever."
"I'm one lucky man to have her. I know." aniya. "And speaking of my girlfriend, she sent this."
Hinarap niya sa akin ang mensahe ni Eliza. Kung kanina naging kuryuso ako, ngayon unti unting kumunot ang aking noo pero hindi tinuloy. I maintained my straight face.
"This is the man, right?" aniya.
"Mommy just can't stop storytelling, huh?" I muttered.
"Austin and Tina resembles him a lot." komento niya pa.
Hindi ako umimik. He is looking at Fidai's photos sent by his girlfriend, Eliza. She is an interior designer based ng California too but she's a Pinay. We met because of Felix and we got along. They are one cute couple. Medyo childish si Felix tuwing nandidito si Eliza.
"Mr. Horan is here." sabi ko.
Binaba niya ang kanyang cellphone at sabay naming binati si Mr. Horan. He is one of the wealthiest man around the block. He owns small time shops and malls and he loves to invest in hotels. So that is why I am meeting him.
I called a waitress to have Mr. Horan's order. And as our food arrived, we started eating and talking starting from the basic conversation about life.
Naging successful naman ang meeting na iyon. Mr. Horan signed the documents, he will invest in The Landbay and it's a big achievement again.
Hinatid ako ni Felix pauwi ng bahay at pasado alas onse na ng gabi. The stock market in different places of the world is open still so sometimes as a business woman, I tend to stay late.
Bukas, aalis na si Felix patungong Milan, Italy. Nando'n kasi si Eliza at halos mag-isang buwan na silang nagkalayo kaya susundan siya ni Felix.
Pagdating ko sa bahay, dumiretso ako sa second floor Halos singlaki lang ang mansion dito nila Lolo sa mansion namin sa Pinas. It's all white and with gold linings. Mas malawak nga lang ang lawn nito at may iilang fountain sa bawat tabi.
Tulog na silang lahat pagdating ko. I went upstairs to the playroom to get the twins.
Yes, I got pregnant with two beautiful kids. Isang araw, medyo moody talaga ako at doon ko nalaman na dalawang buwan at kalahating linggo na akong buntis. It urged me to go back to the Philippines but it only led to having me in a house caged. Like literally I am under house arrest.
Hindi ako pinapalabas ni Mommy. Iyon ang isang dahilan na nag-udyok sa aking galit sa kanya.
Tinulak ko ng dahan dahan ang pinto. Malaking playroom ito ng kambal at may bed kaya kung makatulog sila rito, hindi sa sahig. Umupo ako sa higaan at pinatakan ng halik ang kanilang mga pisngi.
Bahagyang gumalaw si Tina, my beautiful baby girl. Nakangiti ako sa kanilang posisyon. They are facing each other with a cute pout on their lips.
Unang binuhat ko si Tina para ililipat sa kwarto nila. Bata pa lang, sinanay ko na silang hindi palaging tumatabi sa akin. Naaawa kasi ako sa mga bata na halos gabi gabi na akong late ang uwi at naghihintay sa akin kaya sinanay ko na sila na silang dalawa lang ang matutulog sa kwarto.
I am contemplating on putting her on the room across mine, it's their room. Pero sa huli, nanalo ang aking puso. Diniretso ko si Tina sa aking kwarto at nilapag doon. Si Austin naman ang sunod kong binuhat. Mabibigat na talaga sila.
Naligo ako ng mabilis sa shower bago sinamahan ang kambal sa higaan. They immediately scooted closer, looking for something warm. Tina made my arm her pillow while Austin's head is on my chest and his legs covering my stomach.
"Baby, you're heavy..." I mumbled and chuckled a bit.
Tulog mantika naman ang dalawa. I heaved a deep breath with a big smile on my lips. Nakatulog naman din agad ako sa gabing iyon.
"Ee, hija, look here's the new preview magazine. Come on, here. Fidai was asked if he was engaged to someone and he said, 'No, as of the moment,'. I told you he is still single and waiting for you!"
Nagbuntonghininga ako at sandaling pinasadahan ng tingin ang hawak ni Mommy na magazine. Litrato ni Fidai na diretsong nakatingin sa camera, walang bahid ng ngiti ngunit guwapo pa rin. Mommy kept buying magazine that features him kahit mapaano man iyan and give she tried giving me a heated encouragement but I just don't want to assume anymore.
Umagang umaga, sinusundan niya ako rito sa opisina para lang sabihin iyon sa akin. This is the new 'her' right now. Kung noon halos gusto niyang magalit ako kay Fidai para makapag-move on, ngayon siya naman ang nagtutulak sa akin upang umaasa.
I left him. That's it. She made me leave him. I didn't bother calling or texting him because I almost lost my mind and thought it is best for us, for me and for him. I left a problem in the Philippines. I wasn't ready to handle that kind of situation, or so they think. And in the end, I hide from the backs of my family.
"Mom, clearly that says he is dating someone. And I don't care." malamig kong sinabi.
Napawi ang ngiti sa kanyang labi at umupo sa aking tabi. Hindi ko siya pinansin at patuloy na pinoproceso ang kailangan dokumento bago ibalik kay Tito Mikael ang pamamahala ng hotel The Landbay.
"Hija," mahina niyang tawag.
"Mom, it's okay. I have forgotten everything. We're good." agap ko.
She sighed deeply. "I'm sorry... All I did was for you, anak."
Tumango ako habang nakatingin pa rin sa mga papeles na i-approve ko bago umalis.
"I know..."
Now, I am seeking redemption but I don't know where. May parte sa akin na kulang talaga kahit papaano. At siguro iyon ang mga pagtatanong ng aking mga anak sa ama nila o 'yun tinakbuhan ko na problema.
I am scared to go back and people will mock me again or criticize me because I left like a dumb loser, like a chickened-wannabe-CEO. But then, if that's what will happen in order to me to correct their bad profile about me, then it's okay.
"Anak, I'm sure Fidai is waiting for you. At patas lang na malaman niya ang kambal lalo na at nagtatanong na ito sa ama nila." maingat na sinabi ni Mommy.
Huminto ako sa pagpirma ng approval. "I will tell him, Mom. Maghahanap ako ng tamang panahon pag-uwi natin."
Ngumuso siya ng bahagya at umupo ng maayos.
"Hindi na talaga kayo nagti-text?" kuryoso niyang usisa.
I sighed and continue signing the papers. She won't leave until she's tired questioning me.
"You broke my SIM card." mataman kong tugon.
"I'm sorry for that. Pero kahit sa facetime, anak?"
"You made Kaden delete my account."
She sighed. "Kahit numero niya, hindi mo namemorya?"
Hindi ako sumagot. Of course I still remember his number like a clear crystal. Pero hindi ako siguro kung ginagamit pa niya iyon. Umiling ako ng bahagya. Wala naman akong balak i-text siya. Ang kapal naman ng mukha ko kung bigla ko nalang siyang i-ti-text pagkatapos ko siyang iwanan.
"You memorized it!" she exclaimed.
"Mom, enough."
"Give me your phone. I text natin siya!" aniya at sinubukan kunin ang aking cellphone.
Mabilis ko itong inabot at nilayo sa kanya sabay ng pagtapon ng masamang tingin. Hindi siya nagpapadala at nakapameywang pa ngayon sa akin.
"Colliete Aiofe, sometimes you just need to take the first step!" giit niya pa.
Naningkit ang aking tingin sa kanya. I am fighting the urge inside me not to hope. Not to trust a false hope because in the end, I will be trapped. I will be hurt and not only me, but also my kids.
"Ano ang gusto mong gawin ko, Mommy?" mataman kong tanong. "I text siya tapos ano? Hi, Fidai! This is Aiofe, your ex. Sorry pala sa nangyari noon. Kamusta ka?"
I scoffed at myself and shook my head. "Wow, Mom. Ang kapal naman ng mukha ko kung gagawin ko iyon. After the damaged I've done in the Philippines. After dragging his name and his family in the media, after having people judge him by having a gold digger girlfriend. I don't have the audacity, Mom! So please, stop."
Tumaas ang aking boses at doon ko lang napansin iyon nang tumahimik si Mommy. Nagbuntonghininga ako at umiwas ng tingin.
"I'm sorry," mahina kong sabi.
Tila may isang anghel na dumaan sa biglaang katahimikan. I just heard her small movements and I continued approving everything in the table.
"You still love him, do you?"
My heart began to hammer fast that it almost came out from my ribcage. Napahinto ako sa ginagawa ngunit hindi ko nagawang mag-angat ng tingin kay Mommy.
"Answer me, hija, and I'll go,"
Ayaw kong sumagot dahil sa palagay ko, sa oras na sasagot ako, babalik lahat. Ngayon nga na hindi ko pa nasagot ang tanong na iyon, hirap na hirap akong makalimot. Yes, I told everyone, my friends, my family that I have let go of everything, that I have forgotten the past. But the truth is, it is just hiding in the corner. And it is seeking a passage way out.
Narinig ko ang pagtayo ni Mommy kaya nag-angat ako mg tingin. She gave me one of those warm motherly smile.
"I know you, anak. Kahit sa ngayon, patawarin mo ang sarili. Tsaka mo na malalaman ang sagot."
Iyon ang huling sinabi ni Mommy bago nagpaalam na umuwi na. I sighed again. Ginugol ko na lamang ang sarili sa trabaho upang hindi maisip ang mga katanungan ni Mommy at 'yung sinabi niya bago umalis.
"Ma'am,"
Kumurap kurap ako. Tinatawag na pala ang aking atensyon sa nagpresent sa harap ngunit kanina pa ako nakatulala. Tumikhim ako at umayos ng upo.
"Sorry," sabi ko. "I already read the file kanina. I have no questions anymore."
"Thank you, Miss."
"None for me as well. I like the objective. So, when's the implementation?" si Mr. Horan.
Bumaling ako kay Lolo. Nandito siya ngayon para sa meeting. He is the President of The Landbay samantalang ako ang acting CEO. Tito Mikael and I are changing workplaces for the meantime.
"As soon as my granddaughter permits." aniya.
"Then we'll start it as soon as we can. I put Maxwell Barette in-charge of the project."
"Good." si Mr. Horan kasabay ng iba pang kabilang sa meeting.
"Thank you, Miss." si Maxwell, ang nagpresenta ng project plan.
We are expanding kasi. The company bought a land beside the hotel itself and that is where a casino and other rooms and shops will be built. The Landbay is one of the finest and most reviewed hotels in California. Kabilang ito sa top ng mga five-star hotel.
And the very thing that I love working here is the passion of the people. Everyone is competitive naman but we are competitive as one not being competitive against each other.
"Hope, can you please buy some shrimp carbonara for the twins? I almost forgot, they are craving for it." sabi ko sa aking sekretarya.
"Yes, Miss. I'll go get it right away."
"Thanks."
Sinabayan ko sila Lolo kasama si Mr. Horan ang iba pang bagong investors patungo sa site na papatayuan ng bagong building.
"How many floors, Felipe?" si Mr. Hemmings.
I stepped back to see my phone. Kanina pa kasi ito sa meeting nag-vibrate. I feel so bad for my twins. These month, I am busy with the company like sobra. Hinahanda ko kasi lahat bago ako umalis at palitan si Tito roon sa C & H.
Hindi ko na natututukan ng mabuti ang mga anak. Pero hindi naman ito hanggang sa hangganan na. Kapag nakabalik na kami, I won't be that busy anymore. And I will have more time with them na.
C & H is now stable. Earning bigger than the previous reports. Na-feature na rin ito bilang sikat at tinatangkilik na hotel. Ngunit kagaya ko, hindi nagpapa-interview si Tito Mikael. And we all know where that interview will lead to.
Paniguradong mauungkat na naman ang biglaang pag-alis ko at ang pagbigay ng authoridad kay Tito Mikael bilang siya ang mamamahala habang wala ako.
Nang sinabi nila Mommy at Lolo ang desisyon na iyon sa board ng C & H. May ibang hindi sumasang-ayon, lalo na ang grupo ni Mr. Luche. Ngunit wala namang nagawa. Mommy already made me sign to appoint Tito as the acting CEO.
Of course during the meeting with the board, Mommy did not let me face them. Masakit ang mga salita ngunit kaya ko pa namang lunukin iyon. Those dark days, all I wanted was a time to let me say my piece.
I felt it in my instincts that if I will make a face in the media, in the board, all false charges will be cleared. But then, I wasn't given the opportunity to say anything.
And ngayon, pinapaniwalaan ko nalang na may purpose ang lahat. Marami pa talaga akong gustong sabihin ngunit naglaho na ito. Marami pa akong tanong na hindi pa nasasagot. Isang halimbawa nito ay kung paano nalaman ng media na si Fidai ang nagbayad ng renovation ng hotel.
Hindi naman sa tinatago ko talaga iyon. Pero I did not let anyone knew about it. Kami lang tatlo. Or it's just me who taught tatlong lang kaming nakakaalam. Mula pa noon, ayaw ko ng maisapubliko ang nangyari sa aking buhay. I am okay publicising my relationship with Fidai. But I did not let him invest in C & H because I already had the hunch of what people might say. Knowing my origin, ganoon talaga ang tingin ng tao.
Pero nangyari na ang lahat. Hindi naman pwedeng bumalik ako at iisipin ko na may mga brasong nakabukas at nag-aabang sa akin. Siguro sa panaginip lang iyon mangyayari. Pero... Nagbuntonghininga ako at umiling.
May limang missed calls si Kaden. Siya ulit ang nagbabantay sa mga bata ngayon. He is currently schooling here in California. He is taking Aeronautics. He wants to be a Pilot. At his third year now, he seems doing so well with flying. Summer break na nila kaya siya at si Lola ang nagbabantay sa kambal tuwing nagtatrabaho ako at may pupuntahan si Mommy.
Me:
I was in the meeting, Kad. Kamusta ang kambal? Are they okay?
Mabilis ang tugon niya.
Kaden:
Dumating na ang carbonara, Ate. Iyon ang tinawag ko sana. Gingutom ang dalawa pero ayaw kumain ng carbonara na gawa ni Lola.
Ako:
Kumakain na sila ngayon? I want to see them.
"Uh, Aiofe?"
Nag-angat ako ng tingin kina Mr. Horan.
"I have to get this call, Mr. Horan. I'll join you all after this." paumanhin ko.
"Okay, sure. Go ahead."
Tumingin ako kay Lolo. "Kausapin ko lang saglit ang kambal,"
He nodded. "Ako na bahala sa kanila, hija."
I smiled at my grandfather before pivoting away from them and accepted Kaden's facetime. Bumungad sa akin ang nakaback cam at magkaharap na umupo ang aking mga anak. They are struggling on how to hold a fork.
"Kaden Haire! Ano ang ginagawa mo sa mga pamangkin mo?!" medyo galit kong pasiuna.
Tumawa siya. "Tinuturuan ko sila, Ate. E, hindi agad marunong kaya nagkakamay na lang."
"Kad! Oh my God!" halos atakehin ako sa ginawa ng kapatid ko. "Don't let them starve! Feed them. Saan si Lola?"
Mas lumakas ang tawa ni Kaden at pinahiga ang cellphone sa lamesa bago kinuha ang plastic kid's fork ni Tina at sinubuan siya at si Austin.
"Nagtimpla ng gatas si Lola." aniya.
"Mama?!" masiglang tawag ni Austin.
I smiled widely. "Hi, babies. You like the carbonara?"
He innocently nodded samantalang si Tina ay nakapokus lamang sa kinakain. Napahalakhak ako. The sauce is all over their mouth, cheeks and bibs.
"Tina, eat slowly..."
"Me love nara." she groaned.
I chuckled. "It's carbonara, baby. You like that one or the ones that Mama makes?"
"Mama makes!"
"Okay, I'll make one for you and Austin."
"No for Tito?" si Austin.
I smirked. "No for Tito Kaden."
They both giggled while Kaden is shooking his head. Sige ka, Kad, bata awayin mo. Makikita mo talaga ang kinabukasan mo.
Natapos ang tawagan nang natapos na silang kumain. Nagpaalam naman ako para samahan sila Lolo sa restaurant.
Pagdating ko, nagsisimula na silang kumain. I slid my phone on my pocket to join in the engaging conversation with all these successful men.
"So, today's the last day, huh?" si Mr. Hemmings, pagkatapos ng tanghalian. "When will we see you again?"
Humalakhak ako ng bahagya. "I don't know, but I will visit still."
He tapped my back. "Good luck out there, Aiofe. You have a good heart,"
"Thank you, sir." nakangiti kong tugon.
"What?!" rinig kong singhap ng isang investor.
"Yeah, she's leaving tomorrow. Mikael will be back to assume his rightful position." pag-uulit ni Lolo.
"Well, this news is very direct." halakhak nila.
"Good luck, young Felicano. The future is waiting,"
Ngumiti ako sa kanila. "Indeed. Thank you,"
Naging emosyonal ang despedida ko sa kompanya, kinabukasan. I did not told anyone except my secretary and now some are hugging me tightly and crying. Masakit din sa akin na umalis, napamahal na kasi ako sa mga tao rito at sa mismong lugar. Pero I need to go back. This place is not the home.
"Mama!" a pair of cute voice shrieked as soon as I got out from the car.
Napangiti ako ng malapad, nawala ang pagod na nararamdaman ko kanina. These are the reasons why I strived hard to learn. My two angels. A gift of love.
"We goin' home?!" bungad ni Austin sa akin.
The tiredness in my shoulders are gone in an instant. I kneeled down to pick my lovely twins. Humalakhak ako ng pinauwanan nila ako ng halik at iyon din ang ginawa ko sa kanila.
"Yes, we are."
Babalik kami sa Pilipinas. Hindi na kaya ng aking konsensya ang palaging pag-iiwas sa tanong ng aking mga anak. They are only three years old but they already knew how to talk and form sentences and their curiosity is getting out of hand.
They both giggled in my arms and I started walking towards Mom and Kaden who are waiting at the entrance of the airport.
Tina snuggle in my neck kaya humalakhak ako. Ang bigat nilang dalawa at palaging nagpapabuhat pa sa akin.
"Austin, let me carry you," presenta ni Kaden.
Umiling agad ang aking anak at niyakap ang aking ulo. "With Mama, we goin' home."
"Lola and Tito are coming with you, big boy. Come on, Mama is tired."
Ngumuso siya at inosenteng tumingin sa akin. I gave him a pouty face too. He cupped my face with his small hands.
"You tired?"
Tumango ako. "Yes, baby. I'll carry you later, okay?"
He innocently nodded. Beads of sweat is on his forehead. Medyo mainit kasi dito sa labas ng airport. Papasok pa lang kami. Our luggage is already brought by Mom.
"Okay. I w-ove you," medyo bulol niyang banggit.
I smiled sweet and made a sounding kiss on his cheek. "I love you too, Austin."
He snickered and let Kaden carry him. Si Tina mukhang nakatulog na sa aking balikat. Both of them has the eyes of their father. They are almost a copycat of him. Sa akin lang nagmana ang balat nila ngunit may iilang anggulo rin na makikitang sa akin sila kumopya ng mukha.
"Sasabihin mo agad kay Fidai ang tungkol sa kambal ninyo?" usisa ni Mommy sa akin.
Hindi ako nagkasagot. Wala rin akong diretsong sagot noon. One of the main reason that we're going back is because it is time for me to takeover C & H. Iyon muna ang uunahin ko. Kinagat ko ang aking labi at humugot ng malalim na hininga.
"Tsaka na natin iyan pag-uusapan, Mom. And as much as possible, don't let the twin indulge too much questions."
"Ano ang gagawin mo, hija?"
"Just as planned. We're going back home."
"That's it? Si Fidai?"
Medyo galit akong bumaling sa kanya. "Mom, the man might be already getting married to some woman. Tsaka ko nalang sasabihin ang tungkol sa anak namin sa tamang panahon. 'Yung hindi ako makakasira ng relasyon."
Natahimik siya at marahang tumango. I sighed because once again, I can't control it when the topic is about him. And though I don't know if everything is still the same for me and for him after I left, I still want to be fair. I made the kids carry his last name. Alam ko na isa siyang taong may paninindigan and if he knows the kids, I will let him decided if he wants them to bear his name or not. Kung ayaw ng girlfriend niya o fiancee o asawa, I don't care who's that girl, edi papalitan ko ang apelyido ng anak ko. I will happily oblige. And at the least I tried to be a fair mother.
Tinitigan ko ng maigi ang aking anak na nasa unahan, akay ni Kaden at tumawa pa ito. Habang ang isa naman ay mabilis na nakatulog sa aking balikat.
Sila ang mahalaga sa akin. And I would do everything for them. Hang in there, babies. We're coming home. Nilingon ako ni Austin at ngumiti ng malapad. Ang guwapo naman nitong anak ko.
I chuckled wholeheartedly. We're going home. May all be well.