I felt like I had been punched in the gut. All the air left my lungs. I could not catch my breath. The word hung in the air like a rotten stench. "Rejected?" he repeated into the phone. His face was full of confusion and pain, as I am sure mine was. He was speaking to Choi JiWon at the adoption agency. We had been anxiously awaiting their call, but I never expected this. "Why?" he continued, "why are you rejecting us? We did everything right. We did everything you told us to do. We spent hours filling out forms, interviewing, answering your ridiculous questions. Tell me why?" there was anger building in his voice. I was paralyzed and still struggling to comprehend what was happening.
Min walked to the couch where I had just collapsed. He took my hands after he put the phone on speaker and laid it on the table. Ms. Choi sounded cold and emotionless. "You were rejected because we do not feel you are the best candidates for adoption. Your lifestyle is not up to our standards."
"What do you mean our 'lifestyle'? Do you mean my career with Monsta X? I won't be touring again for some time. As I explained, we have started our own company and I will be home every night. And Sunny will be an amazing mother. Her schedule at work is flexible most of the time. Being available and spending time with our child will not be an issue. We do not live a loud life. Please explain how you came to this decision because we are very confused."
I had begun to catch my breath and was able to process thoughts now that the initial shock had passed. We were looking at each other while she spoke, each seeking comfort from the other. I was holding back the tears that threatened to flood my face. I needed to be strong for a few more moments while we got answers. He squeezed my hands and rubbed his thumbs over my clenched knuckles.
"Well, if I must get specific," she sighed, "we feel that Mrs. Lee is not suitable. The tabloids are full of stories of her and Melody Reign. The type of person that would hang around someone with her reputation... well, I... um, we don't believe that is the proper environment for a child."
Now I was angry. "Excuse me? What..." Min squeezed my hands tighter and shook his head. He could tell I was about to let loose on her, and he also knew I was about to make things worse by doing so. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I nodded to let him know that I was calm.
"Ms. Choi, first of all, that is completely unfair to Sunny to judge her because of Melody. Second, we are not aware of these tabloid articles you are speaking of. To our knowledge, there was one article, by a trash magazine, that wrote about the girls when we were in LA. Melody and I did an OST together and we attended the premier with her. They went shopping," he paused, calculating his next words. "Are you certain there is no other agenda at work here?"
"Mr. Lee, just what are you implying? The final decision has been made. You are rejected. You may file an appeal if you like, and the board will reexamine your case. Thank you and have a good day." She hung up before either of us could say anything else. Min began cursing at the dead line.
He stood and threw his fists in the air out of frustration. I was still reeling and felt lost. I kept hearing that word echo in my ears and it sounded more nightmarish each time. "Wh...what do we do now?" I could barely get the words out. I felt pain pushing the anger aside only to settle in the pit of my stomach. Tears began falling. I pulled my knees against my chest and hugged my legs. I searched his face as he sat in front of me.
I could see that he was fighting back tears and that made it worse. I lost what little restraint I had and broke down. My body was wracked with sobs. I could not control it any more than I could control the distant rumble of thunder outside. Neither of us could speak, but we each knew what the other was feeling. We were devastated and inconsolable.
Gradually the tears subsided, and we just sat, holding each other. We were on the couch and I was basically curled up into a ball against him. We fell asleep like that, exhausted from hours of weeping. The next morning, we awoke to angry, darkened skies and swollen faces. The stormy weather reflected our mood. We didn't speak at first, but he did kiss my forehead and give me a weak little smile. I tried to give him one back, but I am not sure I pulled it off.
We had coffee and showered. I called Emma and told her I was taking the day off and asked her to reschedule my new client meeting that afternoon. She could tell something was wrong, but now was not the time to share. She told me she would take care of everything and told me to let her know if I needed anything at all.
After I had some time to think about the rejection, I began to feel guilty. This happened because of me... because of my friendship with a person who had a damaged reputation... a false damaged reputation. I started crying again. I didn't think I had any tears left, but they were falling like the rain. Min told me it would be okay and tried to wipe the stream frm my face, but it kept coming. He said there are other agencies, and we will try again with another agency.
"But this is my fault, Minmin. It is because of me. The others will probably be the same." I felt myself spiraling into that black hole again. I had not experienced this in a very long time, and it was almost foreign now. I could not stop it this time.
"Sunny-ah, this is not your fault. I really think Ms. Choi had let her personal feelings get in the way. Something didn't feel right that day. I haven't been able to put my finger on it just yet. I think her issue had nothing to do with Melody. It was just an easy way for her to say no." He tried to reason with me, but I was already over the line.
"I need to lay down. I just want dark and quiet."
"OK, let's go take a nap. You will feel better when you wake up." I wanted to be alone. I did not want to pull him down with me. But when I saw the pain in his eyes, I knew he needed me as much as I needed him. He took my hand and led me to the bed. He pulled back the covers and sat me down. He pulled off my slippers and lifted my legs and pulled the covers up over me. He stroked my temple with his thumb and kissed my forehead. A moment later, he was behind me with his arms around me. My butt was nestled perfectly against his hips. I felt comforted. I hoped he felt the same.
We slept for around 2 hours. Min made me get up and eat something. I wrapped up in a throw blanket and sat down with him. I barely nibbled at the food, I had no appetite, and my stomach was in knots. I felt like I was going to start crying again. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to be sitting upright. I didn't want to do anything but sleep. Min tried to console me, telling me that things happen for a reason and that we would try again.
There was no way he could understand how I felt, having felt the pain of loss and now feeling responsible for us not being able to adopt. This was the only way I could give him a family and it was being ripped away from us... because of me. I didn't expect him to understand it. How could he?
I stood up and told him I was going back to bed. I said he should go on about his day, I knew he had work, and that I would be fine. He grabbed my wrist as I walked past him and pulled me onto his lap. He held me and rocked me gently.
"Sunny-ah, please stop blaming yourself. It hurts me to see you like this. You are not responsible. I really feel like something else is going on and I will get to the bottom of it. But I need you to be strong and help me."
I tilted my face back to look at him. The pain in his eyes felt like a dagger in my heart. I couldn't bear it. I closed my eyes, "I will be strong tomorrow. Today I need to hide." I felt him rest his cheek against my head and his arms tightened around me.
When I was finally able to stand, I shuffled to the bedroom still cocooned in my blanket. I pushed the door closed with my foot. When I got to the bed, I unwrapped myself and climbed under the covers. Moments later, the door opened and Minhyuk quietly joined me. I turned to him and nuzzled my face against his chest. In his soft voice, he sang to me. His voice was so comforting, better than any medicine. I gradually drifted off to sleep.
I had the dream again, the one where we had a little one between us holding our hands. We were smiling and happy. When I awoke, I felt like the darkness had lifted. The dream had restored my hope. The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was Minhyuk sitting up beside me, watching over me. He had his iPad and it looked like he was working.
"Hello princess... my sleeping beauty," he teased.
"Mmm, what time is it?" I asked as I tried to focus my eyes. They were swollen and dry.
"It is almost 6:00."
"Wow, that was a really long time."
"Hyungwon still holds the record though. This was nothing," he winked. I managed to crack a smile.
"29 hours, right?"
"Yep. He didn't eat, didn't pee, and barely moved. At one point we all thought he was unconscious... or worse." He succeeded in making me chuckle and seeing him smile made me feel so much better. I sat up and reached for the glass of water he had put on the nightstand for me. I drank the whole thing at once. "That's my girl. You had me worried, princess."
"I am sorry, Minmin. And I am sorry you had to see me like that. I thought I was past all that. I guess this was a bigger deal to me than I realized." He stroked my cheek with his fingers.
"Nothing is too big for us to handle together. But I can't help if you don't let me."
"You don't realize how much you did help, just by not letting me go. Except for Nikki, no one has stayed by my side like that before. This," I gestured in the air, "started when my parents were killed. Nikki was there with me through that. I would not have made it without her. You are the only other one." I reached out and took his hand and gave him a weak smile.
"You never have to worry about that again, jagi. I will never leave you." He patted the bed so I would move closer to him. I scooted up against him and nestled myself into his shoulder. He put his arm around me and squeezed, then pointed at the screen of his iPad. "Maybe this will give you something to look forward to. This is our honeymoon hotel. I booked it a few weeks ago."
He turned the screen so I could see. The hotel was designed for optimal viewing of the Northern Lights from the rooms. I felt a twinge of excitement trying to fight through the lingering sadness. The rational part of me knew this was not the end of our journey to adopt, but the emotional side was ready to crawl under the blanket and stay there for days. There isn't always a happy ending in life, but I knew our journey was not over.
I looked up into those dark and warm eyes and felt safe. His sweet smile gave me comfort. I took a deep breath and chose to let rational thought prevail at that moment. I smiled and laid my head against his chest as he flipped through the slideshow of the hotel and then to some of the things we could see and do. He sounded excited and that made me start to get excited.
I was not feeling as cold now and I was beginning to get a little hungry. Min ordered food and pulled me up out of the bed. He ushered me to the bathroom and turned on the shower. We had showered earlier, but he said I would feel better if I took another. He helped me pull my hair up, kissing my neck softly as he did.
I finished just in time for the food. I slapped some moisturizer on my face and headed to the table. I was still a bit nauseous, but I managed to eat a decent amount. We spent the rest of the evening watching tv and snuggling on the couch. Tomorrow was another day, and we would start fresh.