I was mulling over Wembley's records from front to back, I had my laptop and notepad opened in front of me. Wembley had executed quite a research for this. Looking from the outside, one might even think that there was nothing wrong with Dorian.
And it was disturbing.
For some bizarre reason, I was mulling over why I wanted to go.
It was now a week that I had known about it. I missed the first train that I thought I was going to take to find Dorian but now, what exactly did I expect to find?
Crying didn't suffice the loss that I felt in the moment. Even with no transparent recollection of past months, I felt something deep. Even if what Wembley said about hallucinations, I couldn't bring myself to believe it.
I had my report and I knew science and medicine didn't lie, but even the remote possibility of everything being true crushed me.
My chest felt heavy all the time and I can't remember the time when my eyes weren't watery. There was no amount of crying I could do for Dorian and there was nothing I could do but regret, the times I might have been careless, or clueless about what he was going through. The fear of losing him as a human was so intense that I stopped looking around for things that might still be a trigger.
I leaned back in my seat as a tear rolled down from the corner of my eye and as if something pushed me for it and I broke down. Resting my head on the little make-shift table I cried like a baby. Catching breath every second, I cried like a person who had lost themselves and was never to be found again.
After what seemed like forever I got back to Wembley's notes. I knew I wasn't going to find Dorian now, but I was damn sure I was going to find out what happened to him.
Dorian's first session with Wembley was just like mine, basic information where he came across like you and me; nothing out of place. The only different information that I noted down was about his partner. Another portion that caught my attention and seemed a bit strange throughout many, many sessions between them was how he - each time - denied speaking about his father.
Wembley had tried evaluating him under various illnesses and disorders but nothing ever fit his symptoms. Some of which I had confirmed were hallucinations and paranoia. He also seemed emotionally abolished from his brother which was a potential cause for his depression. However not knowing the history and roots made every assumption pointless.
When I furthered my study I found out about Dorian's mother, a woman who met with a tragic death and how much that affected not just Dorian's life but his mental state as well.
The soon exit of his father was another breaking point with which Dorian wasn't able to co-operate. The death of his father and the exit of his brother from his life was the final straw.
However Dorian disregarded any bitter feelings against his brother it appeared as if he was traumatized when his brother left. To hide the fact he decided to never mention his name in front of Wembley because he doubted that Wembley might track his brother down for further investigation, Wembley highlighted the fact that he indeed hid several things from several people.
It was tough to track down any particular illness or cause that was affecting his brain. I went through the prescription copies and found various SSRI anti-depressants, benzodiazepines for anti-anxiety and so on. They weren't very strong but they did help in the chemical reactions of the brain for better emotion control.
I rubbed my forehead as I leaned back, I remember how Dorian used to look past me whenever he was around me as if watching someone, but now under consideration that they were hallucinations and strong ones that felt so real, made me doubt my sanity. But what if those weren't mere hallucinations or delusions, what if my mind was recollecting memories?
I ruled it as hallucination or even delusional imagery. The substantial roadblock Wembley faced was the lack of history and non-cooperative behaviour of Dorian. It is tough for any doctor, not just a psychiatrist to treat someone with incomplete knowledge.
My head started burning with heat and ache, if Wembley was hitting dead ends with Dorian, then was I capable to crack it at all?
The first seven sessions were as fruitless as barren land, but Wembley did find a nugget of information that seemed rather out of place and a mention-and-forget kind of a thing but I see Wembley circled it red, there was a mention of rumours of black magic and groups of practitioners doing rounds in the town when Dorian was just six years old. It was unclear to Wembley how he remembers it so vividly but he did think it had some connection to his story so I too noted it down.
Somehow I developed bitterness for Dorian's brother, to think how he left his brother over some petty dispute was heart-wrenching. I sighed as images of Dorian left behind in the world to survive alone with a knowledge of his brother moving on with his life while he struggled to go to sleep every night was too much for me.
I gave one last read to the evaluation, to check if missed anything important but when I was complacent I kept it back in my bag and proceeded to sit down when I hesitated involuntarily. I stood up again and pulled out Dorian's things, I had gone through pictures, though I drew one where Dorian is sitting in front of his house and kept it in my coat pocket. Apart from that I pulled out some letters and started to read, the letters spanned for years. One from almost 15 years ago was written to his father, stating their condition, struggles and lack of a father figure.
Another dated, 13th September 2005, written to the town community in regards to the compensation for property damage,
One was a wishful letter written to his mother, dating, on 9th November 2013 where he wrote about the damaging relationship with his brother and how much he wants to fix it. He went on to pour out his heart and stated several things that his brother thought was wrong with the house and Dorian himself. I read the letter several times.
9' November 2013
Mom,
It is a silly thing to do now when I should behave like a grown man and talk to someone who would listen instead of writing letters to my dead mum. Anyways, I can't do that, I have no one. Yes, that's what I wrote - no one. Brother and I are having some issues among us, which at first I imagined would be rectified with time but it doesn't appear so now. Brother speculates that father did not commit suicide instead he was killed; I think so too, but we both have very different perspectives on who killed him
I realised that my father was not just building a house, he was building something that was hidden from the entire world, I tried finding it but failed. Brother, on the other hand, thinks that his father was killed because he had made people mad and took advantage of them.
In this respect, brother now thinks that I am going mad, something that he has been saying since you took the fall. I don't know, am I mad? He says I should simply go and live my life alone, but I want a family; the one I never had. He is scared. of the voices in the house, some nights he says it's in my head, some days he blames me for them, He is leaving soon and then It will be me, my demons and darkness.
Mother, I miss you. You were holding on to me and my sanity even at an age so young. I am dreading the reality again, how am I supposed to live in a world with no one to love and my family being ripped away from me. I wish that either you weren't dead, or I was dead too.
P.s. I will be keeping the letter on your tomb, hope you will know and understand.
Yours Lovingly,
Dorian.
All of a sudden I had a relatively clear picture of what might have happened and in the process I blamed his brother for most of it. My dream crept in my mind with visions of Dorian's bruised neck, As I folded the letter in my hand the last line echoed in my brain, bringing my worst fears to life,
Dorian has been playing with the idea of death and ending his life since 2013, what if he tries again?
Precautionary Note: The mention of medicines and prescription methods/criteria in the chapter are entirely and purely for fictional use. Do not assume it as indicative and/or suggestive measures of a cure for any health issue.
Also, if you are facing any of the mental health issues mentioned in the chapter, then please, talk to someone you trust and tell them about your issues. There should be no hesitation in accepting and recognising your wellness and you are bothering no one, remember people love you and you are important.
P.S. if you liked the chapter do leave a comment, and an upvote. If you have suggestions feel free to mention them.
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