The entire group were sat in the Istanbul living room at the end of their European journey, their bags packed and ready for the cars to arrive to take them to the airport. They'd asked for the house to be cleared of any staff and there were no cameras on. So knowing that they would be very much in the public's eye for the next 20 hours or so, Reader was slumped against Jungkook's chest, scrolling through her phone and enjoying the occasional press of his lips to her temple.
Their bags were completely ready and so while the others sat or wandered around them getting their final bits together, they remained still and close, both privately wishing they could return back to her bed and enjoy another hour together. They'd settle for the sofa!
"Can I ask you something?" Said Reader, still inspecting her phone.
"Nea." He murmured, yes in Korean.
"Are you sure you and Tae aren't in love?" She asked, supressing a smile.
"Sorry. Don't understand." He said. She was fairly sure he did.
"You, and Taehyung. There's a lot of really good video evidence that you're a couple." She explained, twisting a little in his arms and scrolling through a raft of YouTube thumbnails of 'Taekook' shippers' videos for him to see.
"Oh, Taekook." He responded blandly.
"Yes. You can tell me you know." She continued sympathetically, reaching back to run her hands through his hair.
"They love Taekook. We don't know why." He answered, referring to ARMY, and rolled his head back into her hand.
She laughed. "Because, there are about a thousand videos of you touching each other. You actually kiss him in this one."
Laura who was wandering through the living room with a flask in her hand sank down into a chair opposite and entered the conversation. "Don't go down that rabbit hole. Believe me!"
Jungkook was scrutinising the video she'd begun to play for him. "No kiss!" He protested, "We just go behind Suga for a moment!"
Unhelpfully for him and his argument, at that moment, Tae came over and quickly bent down to kiss Jungkook's cheek. Reader squeaked with laughter while Jungkook batted at his cheek with mock disgust.
"It's only in the west that people think they're together. In Korea, no one would think it." Put in Laura rolling her eyes.
Reader, who'd let Jungkook up to go and chase after Tae, leant forward and said, "Well, you can see why! Look at this one of them sleeping together." And she pouted at how adorable they were.
Laura grinned, "If you're getting jealous then it must be getting serious." She lowered her voice conspiratorially. "You know, the big jeal' for the big L!"
Reader rolled her eyes. "You know I don't actually think there's anything happening between Tae and Kook right."
"That's not my point and you know it." Murmured Laura sitting back and blowing the steam off her tea. "Oh! And I know what I was going to talk to you about!"
She leaned forward and made no effort to keep her voice down. "Isn't it your birthday next week?"
"SShhh!" Reader hushed her. "Yes, it is but I don't want to make a big thing about it."
Laura looked around for others listening in. "Why?"
"Because it's the start of the Asia leg and the guys are getting more and more tired and I don't want anything to throw them off. Besides, then Kook would be all stressed about doing something and I think it's just unnecessary."
"You're weird! Let us make a fuss." Retorted Laura.
"No. Now, if you really want, you and I can go for a drink somewhere, if they'll let us."
"They reckon you're going to be pretty big business when we get back to the motherland!" Agreed Laura.
"Well we'll be in Japan for my actual birthday, which is pretty cool, but still, yes, it might be harder for me to just wander around. I think I've been living a bit of a charmed life in Europe. I went for a walk in the park yesterday, on my own! Felt like it could be the last time."
Reader was right, the combination of their London appearances and then an extra date added in Manchester, plus her own Vlive broadcast meant that her personal capital had spiked and by the time they left from Heathrow airport, Reader had her own fans with their own signs waiting alongside the regular ARMYS.
"Okay, well I'm sure we can sneak you out somewhere, but you're sure you don't want the boys to know?"
"Definitely, it's just a day and I can easily miss it. No presents, no cake, no nothing."
Laura looked at her critically.
"What?"
"Funny you say no cake, I've been watching you and you're still losing weight." Laura muttered.
Reader tugged self consciously at her denim jacket, trying to find a smile for Laura. "I'm just finding the right level, you know."
"Yeah, well, just, one friend to another, I think you've found it." Said Laura, meeting her eye. Reader was embarrassed to have another conversation about her weight, lord knows she had enough of them with the various HYBE Staff in her life. Every time they arrived in a destination where she was required to appear publicly, she'd be given a new wardrobe, but not before a new fitting was done.
What had started out as a frank appreciation that she was "finally fitting into their clothes", moved through to a weekly package of praise for her continued progress and then, more lately, complaints that they were having to make alterations again. She knew well enough that when the boys changed shape, the dressing team kept their views to themselves, but her body seemed to be fair game for scrutiny.
Although she made apologies there and then for her continued shrinking, Reader always felt secretly proud that she'd once again, beaten the scales and the tape measure. Seeing herself back on the monitors, she revelled in the way her stomach lay, smooth and flat, her hips poked out the top of her jeans and her arms lost any definition they'd once had.
She and Jungkook were still running whenever they had the chance, although his fatigue was building as the tour continued and this time there would be no rest in Seoul before they began their third and final leg through Asia, culminating in a series of homecoming concerts in Korea. He would sometimes accompany her to the gym but now she didn't need him so much and more than once, he'd fallen asleep in a spare corner while she worked through their usual exercises before shaking him awake just to trudge back to his room.
None of the boys had said anything, since Yoongi in London, about her weight and Reader surmised that they must be pleased or at least indifferent and decided she would continue to eat whatever she needed to get through the day but to limit herself as a lifestyle. She had to keep up with teenage Korean idols and although that was about much more than her weight, it seemed a good place to start. Despite what everyone had made clear since her little wobble in London, and despite what she was telling Laura now, Reader's jealousy over any woman who approached Jungkook was right up their with her lust and her blooming feelings for him. That wasn't about her weight either, but it seemed a good place to focus her energy!
"I'm fine." She assured Laura cheerfully, "I've just got a lot to juggle."
"But you're happy, with Kookie? He's good to you?" Laura asked, suddenly softening.
They both spared a glance to the other side of the room where Jungkook and Tae seemed to have reconciled and now, predictably were standing with their heads close, watching the Taekook videos that had sparked the debate in the first place.
Reader smiled and her chest filled up with the constant longing she felt for him. "Yes, very happy." She responded to Laura without looking away.
.....................................................................
Unfortunately for Reader, it seemed that Laura hadn't listened to her when she'd said she was fine and had taken to showing up, at mealtimes, next to Reader and commenting on what she was eating, or not eating more often than not.
"Hello Laura!" Grumbled Reader one lunch time in Singapore, when they were gathering under a marquee to eat quickly before continuing to film a Bantangtv special message for the international community of fans in this part of the world. It was also now half-way through the Exchange Project and Reader was already made up to sit for a special interview.
She must have spoken with more distain than she felt because even Jin recognised her tone in English words.
"What is wrong with Laura?" He asked.
Reader, ignoring both of them, put her hand up to ask that it be dropped.
"What, I've only come to see what's for lunch." Said Laura sweetly.
"You keep buzzing around me!" muttered Reader, picking at her plate of vegetable curry.
"I'm your translator!"
"You haven't translated anything for weeks now!" complained Reader.
The boys were all looking from one to the other, their heads swivelling like they were at a tennis match. They weren't used to the girls arguing and this one seemed to them to have come out of nowhere. Reader tried to commit to another bite but just fiddled under Laura's continued scrutiny.
"Oh, put that down, for god's sake!" complained Laura and then shooed the boys away from them in Korean. She put her hand on Readers arm and caught her eye while Reader dabbed at the corners of her lipsticked mouth with a napkin and tried to keep her composure.
"Look, I'm sorry. But I am actually starting to get really worried about you. I've bee watching you fiddle with that curry for twenty minutes and I know you didn't eat anything for breakfast and to be honest, I haven't seen you eat properly in weeks now. Tell me, am I wrong?"
Reader kicked her feet a little then raised her eyes. "It's not a problem, It's just, I haven't got a lot else to worry about. And I know I wasn't in great shape when I got here..."
"You were in fine shape. You're just not a teenager!" Said Laura, putting her hands on Readers shoulders.
"Yeah, well, isn't that a problem!" retorted Reader hotly.
Laura leaned back to evaluate her friend, who was hugging her arms around herself.
"Is this about him? Is he encouraging this?"
Reader shook her head quickly. "No, honestly, I don't think he's even noticed."
"Darling, everyone's noticed." Said Laura carefully shaking her head.
"What?" Asked Reader, her head jolting up and snapping to the boys quickly.
"A couple of people have spoken about it. I think that for a while everyone was really impressed with your dedication but, you've lost so much weight now... I'm just checking in to make sure that you know it's enough now."
"Is it?" Asked Reader, brushing tears away from her eyes, knowing now that she'd have to get back to makeup quickly before going in front of the camera for her interview. "I still don't look like those women."
"You look like you, just a really super tiny version of you. And besides, I don't believe anyone here ever told you that you needed to look like one of them. That's not the goal here. The goal is for you to become part of BTS, for a short amount of time. The working out is only about you being fit enough to endure the concerts and plenty of people do that carrying a couple of extra pounds."
Reader said nothing. She felt, once again that she'd got it wrong. But she didn't want to be having this conversation. Since her brewing feelings for Jungkook had strayed out into all sorts of unproductive directions, namely how many fans would touch him or fantasise about him today, her body's perfection had been her comfort blanket.
"Why hasn't anyone said anything to me? Namjoon? The managers?"
"I don't know. I don't think they're as concerned as I am because they're used to women wandering around like toothpicks, but I am not." Said Laura prodding Reader in the stomach.
Neither said anything for a moment. Reader composed herself and used the napkin she'd been wiping her mouth with to press into the corners of her eyes to stop tears of frustration falling. Laura saw some of the boys, Jungkook front and centre, giving concerned looks and wanting to comfort her but she raised a hand silently and they kept their distance.
"Listen, I know you've got this big interview thing now, but I was wondering if you fancied taking some time. We could go out, get away from everything like for a night or two, if you wanted to?" Asked Laura hopefully.
Reader bit her lip anxiously and looked instinctively over to Jungkook who gave her a casual but questioning look because there were cameras and people everywhere. She squirmed internally at the thought of being without him now.
"Hey, it won't be for long." Laura said trying to reassure her. Then, as an afterthought, she lowered her voice and leaned in. "Although it seems like things are getting pretty serious between you two."
Reader nodded a little but was already dreading the inevitable follow up questions.
"Have you slept together yet?" Asked Laura predictably, but seriously for once.
Reader shook her head.
"Why?"
"I don't really know. He keeps putting the brakes on. I'm fairly sure he wants to but he makes it seem like a really big deal."
"Well, maybe it is a big deal for him?" mused Laura. "It took me and you know who ages, but we weren't even a couple. We're not really even a couple now!" she huffed.
They were quiet for a bit longer. Then Laura continued, while they walked slowly past the boys and back towards the makeup chairs where a small army were waiting to do touch ups following lunch. "Do you... I mean, have you said... how you feel about each other?" she asked very quietly.
Reader shook her head again. Any more of this line of questioning and she'd be crying again.
"Maybe you're just a bit lovesick?" suggested Laura helpfully. Reader smiled at her in the mirror. They were no longer alone and couldn't continue this conversation without drawing attention o the fact that Reader was with someone.
"Okay, I'll leave you be. I'm only worried about you. You're important to me too you know."
She turned to leave but Reader grasped her hand. "Thank you. Thank you for your advice, I know you're right, it's just hard."
Laura nodded but turned again to go.
"Laura," Reader called again, unable to turn her head against the various brushed that were now in and on her face. She heard Laura stop. "You can set it up, if you want to escape, set it up. Just make sure were back with them for my birthday, I want to be with the boys on my birthday." She repeated, hoping Laura would understand.
Laura's smile returned and she nodded at her friend, before leaving the tent to go and make plans.
...................................................
Reader sat in a director's chair out in the Singapore sunshine with a city scape behind her for a backdrop.
She had finished her interview for the Exchange Project and was just mentally running through the answers she'd given them. There had been a great deal of gushing about international co-operation and rebuilding of societies through social change. These were all words she'd been handed by HYBE staffers but she agreed with their meaning. Although it might seem trivial to others, she believed it was amazing that a previously unknown boyband from an un-spotlighted part of the world could be changing people's lives with their music in her own hometown of London.
And she had heard often enough from fans to know that they did change people's lives. They had certainly changed hers. She sipped at the iced coffee she'd picked up from the refreshment cart and thought about Laura's warning to her. She decided that she'd make an effort while they were away to eat a little more to see her current weight maintained, although she didn't relish the idea of putting any more on.
Laura wandered past, shielding her eyes against the bright sun that was still shining over them on this beautiful day.
"Sorry if I upset you earlier." She said, smiling contritely at Reader who waved her away. "You should speak to the boys, they're worried about you." She continued.
Reader raised her eyes, surprised. She liked the boys a lot, but she thought of them all, with the possible exception of Jungkook, as being so singularly focused on the tour that they wouldn't think to concern themselves with her wellbeing.
"They notice things, and you were upset this morning. My fault, and I told them you were fine."
"Have you told them we're leaving them?" Asked Reader
"So dramatic! I told Jin, so I'm sure the news will filter through, anyway, we still need permission to go through but it's all arranged. If they say yes we'll go ahead to Japan on a commercial flight and meet them there a day or two later."
"Who's paying for all this?" Reader asked uncomfortably.
"We'll let the cameras watch you shop for an hour and the studio will foot the bill. Don't worry about it." Said Laura with a shrug.
Reader agreed and found that despite her misgivings about leaving Jungkook, she was relieved when Laura gave her a thumbs up across the set later and signalled to her phone where an email outlining the new itinerary was waiting for her.
They'd leave the next morning, missing the two concerts in Singapore, spend the next two days without the boys or the cameras at a hotel north of Tokyo in Nikko. She realised with a sigh that this was just what she wanted, and if she'd been asked to pay for it herself, she would have done. Although looking at how swanky the hotel was, she thought better of that boast.
"Thank you, for organizing this. It was a great idea." She said quietly to Laura on their way back to the hotel where they'd have dinner with the boys then pack up. She was due to go through some more Korean versus with Yoongi that night but seeing how tired they'd been earlier in the day, she thought he might cancel it. Her one-on-one time with them was dwindling now and, although she knew they were still making more time for her than they should, given all of their sleep deprivation.
As she'd suspected, Yoongi text her while she was on her way back asking if he could skip their session because he had to work on some of his own stuff. She already knew that Namjoon was busy having dinner with a friend he knew from Singapore, so she was left on her own to pack and, she hoped, to wait for Jungkook. Although she knew how tired he was, these days he seemed to just fall into her bed or let her into his and be asleep within moments. Although she didn't tire of sleeping in his arms, she worried that this was the first step in friend zoning her and she though that a little time apart might be good for them both.
At nine she checked her phone, thinking that the boys were supposed to be done with their various bits and pieces earlier that day. She thought he might have messaged her but he hadn't. she was beginning to feel anxious that she wouldn't see him at all before tonight and she didn't know if anyone had even told him that she was going away early.
She showered with the door open to her room in case she should hear a knock but none came, and her mood dipped still when she got out, now making herself ready for bed, and found no communication from him. It wasn't very unusual for them to spend a night apart when they were in the same hotel or house, depending on how busy their days had been and whether or not there was covert filming happening. Although as a group they felt they could trust HYBE staff and crew, it seemed a bad idea for there to be footage of any kind, even footage that they owned of Reader and Jungkook which could be leaked into the wider world. So she had found herself alone and without much if any explanation before now, but knowing that she wouldn't see him for the rest of this week made her very anxious.
"Oh, get a grip!" she muttered to herself and made her final movements before she got into bed and switched off the light. She stayed a while on her phone but reluctantly fell asleep at 11.
..................................................
On her way to the airport the next morning, she and Laura were chatting cheerfully about the break they had in front of them when her phone rang.
"Hi!" she said, brightly once she'd answered Jungkook's call.
"Hi, you've gone to the airport now?" He asked, anxious.
"Yes, I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to see you." She said, trying to mask any hurt in her voice.
"I didn't know you were leaving. They told me this morning when we came to see you." He explained and Reader was surprised to hear tension in his voice.
"Oh, Laura organised it yesterday. Sorry, I didn't see you once it was done. I thought I might see you last night...." She trailed off but he cut in.
"I ended up at dinner with Namjoon and Jin. I knocked for you when we got back but I think you were asleep, and I wanted to sleep."
Neither of them spoke for a moment.
"That's okay." She said, trying to sound and look cheery for Laura's benefit. "I'll see you in Tokyo on Friday?"
"Oh, not Thursday? I get to Japan on Thursday?" He pointed out.
"Yes, but they want us to stay another night in Nikko. We'll leave on Friday."
"We're filming on Friday." He pointed out, "And then the first show on Friday night."
Reader's bit her lip, thinking how unacceptable it was that their three-day absence was now looking more like four. She didn't tell him that Saturday was her birthday and assumed that he still didn't know but hoped that they'd be able to at least see each other and that it would be alone on that day.
"Oh, okay. I can come to wherever you are on Friday, but if not, then Saturday?"
"Yes, Saturday yes." He said firmly. After another pause, he asked, "You seemed sad yesterday. You and Laura? Can I help?"
Reader's lip trembled and she bit it to keep it still turning her head toward the passenger window to stop Laura form seeing her face. She took a second to compose herself before answering.
"I'm okay." Then, without thinking about the driver listening, she added, "I wish I'd seen you last night."
"I wanted to be with you. Namjoon said it would be good to have some time apart. I hate him!"
Reader grinned and sniffed. "No, you love him, and he's right."
"I'll miss you." His voice was warm and low, and her chest swelled with emotion.
"I'll miss you too. I'll message you when we land." She promised and in her minds eye she could see him nodding although he said nothing.
Suddenly, Reader wanted to say something to him, to tell him how much he meant to her. The words she wanted to use seemed a long way in front of her, and anyway, he'd always been in charge of the pace of this relationship. How to hang up seemed to be evading him as well and eventually he settled on "Have a good flight." Before they both spoke quiet goodbyes and rang off. Reader let the unmistakable love that she was feeling pour out of her on a big exhale and then started a mental count down in her head for when she'd next see him.