I'm going to do the unthinkable; I will compliment myself. I love that I never come late to anything. It's a good quality to have.
I got to Kerry Park almost ten minutes before we were supposed to meet up, so I had plenty of time to kill. The only question I had was what I would do with all of this extra time. I considered checking out the view of the Space Needle for the umpteenth time, but it wouldn't feel special to me. When you see something every day, it quickly loses its charm. I mean, you have all these tourists freaking out over seeing the Needle because it's a novel experience to them. Nothing feels worse than losing your love for something or someone. I miss being a child so much. Everything was easier back then.
I decided to sit down on the closest bench, and right away, my mind flashed images of my seizure. I felt so sick and nauseous from seeing the pictures that I nearly vomited. I was foaming at the mouth, and my jaw was tightly clenched.
Analee, please just be here...
The unmistakable scent of bacon bubble gum woke my senses up like adrenaline. There was only one person I knew in Seattle who chewed gum like that, and it was Analee.
"Analee, your game is up," I said with a chuckle as I looked all around for her. She was like a spider, here one moment and gone the next.
"Fine, I guess I'll play by the rules," she said with a chuckle as she walked over to where I was. She wore a camouflage-colored hoodie the same color as the grass, and on her neck, she had a necklace with some kind of message. I couldn't read the text on account of my blurry vision.
"It says 'To thine own self be true.' You probably don't get the reference," she said with an awkward chuckle.
"I do actually; it's a Shakespeare quote from Hamlet. Just for the record, it's my favorite play," I said as a genuine smile spread across my face.
"I'm impressed you got that right. What did you think of Ophelia?" she asked curiously, leaning against a tree with her back.
"I honestly felt awful for her. Hamlet said many messed-up things to her face; he basically told Ophelia to become a nun and never speak to him again. Heh, that made me think of Spider-Man 3," I said with a chuckle at the end. Hamlet made me think of Spider-Man 3 because, in the movie, Peter Parker turns into a complete edge lord. Hamlet was almost like their progenitor. Dude, imagine Holden Caulfield and Hamlet meeting and just talking about life and stuff. Holden would probably call Hamlet a phony and then rant for an hour straight about how much he hates movies. For someone who claims to despise them, he sure watches a lot of films.
"Spider-Man 3 was definitely the worst in the trilogy," Analee said with a deep sigh. One thing I didn't tell you is that she's obsessed with Marvel Comics. She even knows obscure characters such as Captain Ultra. He's so ultra you never even heard of the guy!
I'm not sure why, but I started feeling flirty as hell at that moment. I have these moments where I flip a switch and become a different person entirely. I am a slave to my id.
"What's the most beautiful thing you've seen today?" I asked her with a sly smile.
"Hmm, I saw the sunrise, if that counts. What about you?" she asked curiously.
"I'm looking at it right now," I replied with a self-satisfied smile. I'm not sure why I was messing around with her feelings like this, but it honestly was quite entertaining. I felt just like Bully Maguire at that moment, like a corrupted version of myself.
"Me, beautiful? Maybe in my dreams..." she said with a frown. I find it fascinating how so many attractive people consider themselves ugly. There's this girl named Martha Henry in my History class who is drop-dead gorgeous but constantly feels like she's the most unattractive girl on earth. I always remind her she's beautiful, but she never believes me when I say it. Trust me, when I say something, I sure as hell mean it.
"You said God speaks through dreams, right?" I asked with another self-satisfied smile. I was setting her up like a comedian sets up a joke. I didn't give a damn that what I was doing was wrong; all I cared about at that moment was myself.
"He does, yes," she replied with a confused expression. She must have been wondering why I brought this up out of nowhere.
"He spoke to me in a dream and told me that He's proud of you," I replied with the feeling of guilt rising throughout my body. It's like my actions seemed perfectly normal until I realized they weren't.
"I-I don't even know what to say. I always feel like God doesn't love me and that I fail Him," she said, fighting back tears.
"That's not God putting those thoughts in your mind. Satan comes as an angel of light; never forget that," I said, hugging her tightly and holding her right next to my heart. Despite how crappy the world was, I felt like I was in heaven at that moment. I'd have killed to experience it over again.
Then she asked me the last question I expected to hear.
"Clive, would you marry me?"
I felt my eyes go wide as dinner plates and temporarily forgot how to speak coherently. All I could do was stand there with my mouth wide open like a moron.
"I would," I finally replied after calming my heart down. I meant what I said; I'd marry her in a second.
"I would too," she replied with a bubbly smile.
That was when I became the biggest douchebag of the 21st century. I have a knack for ruining tender moments.
"There's just one problem with all of this. As much as I want to marry you, I can't. Everyone I've ever loved and cared for has left my life, and I can't afford to risk something like that happening again. You're a great person; I'm not saying you aren't; I'm the core problem here. See, I'm like a cigarette; I make a person's life better, and then I ruin it completely. I can't let myself hurt you; it would kill me inside. When I die, I'll go straight to the outer darkness; I mean it."
She didn't respond at first and just stared at me with a horrified expression. Then, she started weeping and wouldn't stop. I apologized at least eight times, but it didn't change anything. Finally, she said something that I will never forget.
"It's an awful feeling when you dedicate so much of your life to someone only to realize that they don't feel the same way. It's like getting second place in a race; you were so close and yet so far in achieving your goals. You know what's a funny thought? The people we think about the most are often the people who think about us the least. I can't change your mind, but just know that I'm here if you ever need me. Maybe I won't be there as a partner, but I'll always be there as a friend. Everyone deserves someone who cares; I'll be that person for you."
"I-I'm so sorry about everything that I said. My life has been hell lately, and in all honesty, I use that as an excuse to hurt those around me. If I described just ten percent of the crap that's been happening to me, you'd have a stroke," I said through gritted teeth. I reached my breaking point at that moment; I couldn't hide my issues anymore.
"What's wrong, Clive?" she asked concernedly.
"I experience hallucinations sometimes, and most of them are highly disturbing. They interfere with my daily life and make me feel like I'm going insane every time I see them. And no, I don't do drugs, in case you were wondering. Something's wrong with my brain chemically, and I fear that it's damaged beyond repair," I said in one long breath. I wanted to get the pain out of my system as quickly as possible; all I wanted was some relief. This was my Brompton cocktail.
"I'm so sorry; I had no idea this was happening to you. I hope the doctors will help sort it out," she said with a shaky voice, hugging me tightly.
"I hide a lot of my pain; I feel weak when I show it."
"It's okay to show hurt; it's what makes us human. I know a song that will help you with whatever you're going through," she said with a tiny smile.
"What song would that be?" I asked curiously.
"It's actually a hymn; it's breathtaking. Have you heard of Come Thou Font of Every Blessing?"
"I've definitely heard the name before, but I know little else about it. Could you play it for me?"
"Sure," she said as she passed me her earbuds. I put them in and gave her the thumbs up as a sign that I was ready.
As soon as the song started playing, I started thinking about how much of my precious life I had wasted away. I could have done something genuinely great during that time, but instead took the easy way out and built a wall of hypocrisy around me. It's like I ask God to give me opportunities to change, and when He does, I just brush them away.
I honestly burst into tears by the time it was over; all I could feel was a deep regret for all my past mistakes. I realized how much I had destroyed through my carelessness. I guess I'm a tragic villain; I destroy everything without intending to. I'm certainly going to hell. No matter how full it gets, it'll always have a vacancy for people like me.
"Are you alright?" she asked concernedly.
"Yeah, that hymn just really spoke to me. Do you ever get the feeling that a song was written specifically for you? It's a nice experience," I said with a tiny smile. Listening to music certainly brought my mood up. Music will always be there for you when nobody else is. Truth be told, I'd probably be dead without it. I remember looking at my music recommendations and seeing the song I Won't See You Tonight Part 1 by Avenged Sevenfold. I told myself that it would be the last song I'd ever listen to, but felt a strong desire to live after listening to it. Don't take life for granted; you don't get a second chance.
"I feel like that at times, yes. Do you know The Prince of Egypt?"
"The animated film about Moses?" I asked curiously.
"Yup! I feel like the song When You Believe was written for me."
"I've never actually seen it," I said with a sheepish smile.
"Oh man, you are missing out on one of the greatest animated films ever made!" she said with a look of pity.
"What if you show it to me?" I asked with a tiny smile.
"I think I will. Are you free to watch it today?"
"I'm as free as a bird."
"Good. Trust me; you'll love it," she said quickly as she grabbed me by my hand and practically dragged me along.
Even if the movie sucks, at least I'll be with someone I care about. Some people don't get that blessing.