My heart beats rapidly in my chest. I'm never going to stop playing the games. And as long as the cameras are on I have to act, act like that arena was the best thing that ever happened to me. In a way it was. Without the games I don't think I would've realised the gravity of the suitation panem is in. Now I need to block everything but where I came from out of my head. The dress. It's to help push the image that I'm a warrior. Every little thing will be orchestrated to confirm the story the Enobaria told me to play. I can't show up the capitol that would be dangerous for everyone I love. They demonstrated their power in the arena when they sent them mutts. I don't plan to misjudged what they can do.
The anthem blares above me and I can hear Cesar flickermans voice. I wonder if the capitol gave him lines and questions. I wonder if he understand the situation. Cheers erupt as the prep team are presented. The cheers go up gradually as each new member of the team are introduced. I can hear people chanting Enobaria and Brutus' name. I haven't seen Brutus since before the games. I want to see him. I wonder if Brutus has warned Cato in the same way. He must've.
I step on the plate knowing it's my que to get onto the stage. It starts immediately pushing me upwards. The stage is like an assault on my senses. The roar of the crowed in deafening and the light blinding. I look into the crowd and notice a few of them have re-created the hairstyle I wore in the arena and the hair style I wear now.
And then I look to my left. A few steps away is Cato. He wears an armless gold suit and his muscles seem to have re grown, he looks as healthy as ever. I want to hug him, launch myself into his arms. But I can't even smile at him. We make eye contact. Brutus must've told him because he doesn't smile etheir instead we walk to our separate seats there both plush red like blood. There is normally only one seat here so the chairs are pushed tight together we share the centre stage. we sit close only the arms of the chairs separating us. We stare purposefully into the audience. Waving at them and smiling, like we did in the first interviews. Winning over the crowd . The crowds scream our names. Not quite like the chant for Brutus and Enobaria. But it's weird to hear all this strangers calling for me. I suddenly feel self conscious in my tight dress. Of course I'm silver and not gold like Cato. In their eyes Cato will always be the winner. His bigger and the odds were always more in his favour in the sense he had the capitol appeal more than me.
My body aches to look at him. Just a quick glance. But I don't want to risk it. Enobarias warning the first "Dont let them see" and the one just beneath the stage. She's never stopped playing the games etheir. I think of her image of her teeth. Her teeth. I rember the new holes in my ears where jewels come from. She got her teeth filed in the time from the games to this interveiw. The capitol just did it. She didn't have a choice. They'd be no time to have a choice. I rember the districts going wild when she ripped out the last opponents throat with her bare teeth. I'd watched the re-runs of her games religiously. I now realise she was showing them mercy. There where no options other than Beat them to death. She gave the second place tribute an easy way out.
I wonder if anything of a similar nature happens to Brutus. I rember him cheering at every cannon. Even in the spot we were now when they repeated the games to us he cheered for himself watching the kills.
Yes the spot we are now. We're going to have to watch the games again. Several weeks condensed into a small 3 hour movie full of all the highlights from this year. All of panem is required to watch it. Cesor calms the audience talking directly to them. They whoop in response. He doesn't address us once. We sit sternly facing the audience. Cato grins when he catches people's eye which makes them squeal. I could never imagine my self having the same effect. Cesor makes a few more comments and then it's time to watch the highlights.
The room darkens and the seal flashes onto the screens around us. I want to cling to Cato. I shoot a glance at him and we catch each others eye for a second then look away. He knows .he defiantly knows the danger we're in. Walking through the gym where the 22 other tributes once trained was enough. And now I have to watch each of them die again. I think back to Brutus over joyed reactions and wondered how he did it.
I wonder what sort of story they'll tell. If they'll avoid Cato and I alone together. I don't give it much thought I don't want to. The sooner it all starts the sooner it's all over. The first half an hour shows all the tributes at training and the lead up to the games. It focuses on everyone but most time is spent on us careers. It shows in detail how I fought the girl to get to the games, and Cato waving enthusiastically to the crowds. Then it's the chariot rides. Instead of focusing on 12 this time the cameras look at us. It's time for the training. Seeing Glimmer, Marvel and Marina laughing sends a shiver down my spine. But I'm careful not to show any emotion. It shows us not as friends but like a pack of wild animals. Pushing away the District 4 boy, Laughing at the less skilled tributes and mastering our chosen skills. This is the first time the crowds see our training so they cheer whenever each of the tributes hit the target. This is when I first notice, in the corner of most the shots is Finch. Always looking at someone. It doesn't show her training once. Even in training she was sly. The backing track is upbeat but full of harsh sounds. It's unnerving.
Next it moves onto inside the arena. Complete coverage of the blood bath. Seeing it from every angle.
It zooms in and out catching our expressions. I watch myself throw my knives with deadly accuracy. They zoom in on my face as I miss katniss. We see every kill replayed. It shows me throwing my knife into Peeta, but not when I bandaged it up. Then our first hunt how we laughed at the girls who name I can't recall death. It shows a montage of the other tributes. It shows katniss was in the tree above us after that kill getting a laugh from the audience as it zooms in on her terrified face. It shows us running from the fire. But yet again doesn't show how I went back for Marina. We see us under the tracker jacker nest and watch in close up as it falls on to us and I scream for everyone to run to the river. Marina barely gets up and hobbles in the wrong direction. It zooms in on both of there disfigured faces. I wince just looking at them. It moves around diffrent tributes for the time we were recovering. Then it shows me dragging their bodies. At least the included the fact I have some humanity. Saving my own team. The rest of the video goes by. I see Marvel kill Rue and Katniss kill Marvel. And then it skips around diffrent tributes. Only showing us when we're not weak. When I hit prey perfectly with my knife or somthing.
The next thing is the feast. It zooms in on my face my eyes look wild. I'm reminded of the reflection in the hover craft. I look terrifying completely unhinged. There's complete scilence from the crowd. They cling to every word I say. They know what comes next. I know what comes next. I want to bury my face in my palms and look away but I know I can't.
I flinch grabbing onto the sides of chair when I see myself being lifted into the air. It surprises me that they left in me screaming for Cato. But they've cut the part where Cato calls my name. I know it happend I heard him. The next thing we see is a montage of katniss, Peeta, Thresh and Finch. But not us.
There's silence throughout the audience again as the fight between Cato and Thresh goes on. I wish I could look away but my eyes are glued to the screen. Even though it's dark we can see every little detail. The next thing I know is we're watching us run from the beasts. Cato and I pulling eachother along. But it seems to have cut the video so only above our shoulders appear except it pans to me as I throw knifes. It doesn't show me falling so Cato carries me . The volume of the dogs increases so dramatically when we talk to Finch you can't hear a word. And they've cut the time, it looks like a just see her and embed a knife in her head. It doesn't show me wearing knecklace. I realise nobody will even realise what I'm wearing tonight. It doesn't show me putting my token onto her. But however much they try to hide the kecklace it dangles from my neck in all the shots where it hadn't before. Its obvious finch gave it to us for anyone who's really watching.
The next scence to watch is the worst Cato and I sit in the lake and it's announced there can only be one victor it cuts to Cato beneath the surface. I know I'm trying to pull him up but the sound of me calling his name is over powered by the splashes. It looks like I'm trying to drown him. And his struggles against it. Eventually pulling me under as well as we both fight beneath the surface. It looks so seamlessly bad. I would believe we could muder eachother if we watched this. And then it cuts to me pounding a Catos chest and him rolling on top of me like we're still fighting. The screen goes dark.
They have done an excellent job of making us look like indifferent killers. The anthem plays and everybody rises out there seats for president Snow. A young boy and girl walk beside him carrying two crowns. One for me. One for Cato. He smiles as Cato leans forward accepting the crown. And then he walks over to me. A deadly smile on his face. I don't have to lean for him to place the crown on my head. The crowns are diffrent. The capitol have done everything they can to make us seem separate. No more than allies. The president and I make eye contact. His eyes are reptilian and unforgiving. This is a man who knows how to use the power he holds and in a look he conveys that.
The president exits the stage and cheering ensues Cato and I stand smiling waving to the crowd. I'm glad this wasn't an interview and I don't have to say anything. Just sitting there was exhausting and I want to be with Cato as soon as possible. Cesar finally says goodnight to the audience and reminds them of the final interviews tommorw.
Cato and I are taken across the city circle to the presidents mansion where there will be a feast. I'm glad we don't get the opportunity to eat because I'm way To conscious the dress I'm wearing will show every bite of my meal. I can already see capitol men staring at me hungrily. It's uncomfortable to think of. People are brawling to get pictures with us. Flash after Flash after Flash. Face after face. The people are starting to get drunk and less well mannered. Enobaria stays close by me and Brutus stays on the other side of the room with Cato. I wait untill an apparently very generous sponser of mine starts talking to Enobaria before slipping off in the direction I know Cato is. All the people here seem to be adults so I sneak through them easily. My holographic dress means I pretty much blend in with the people. In fact I might be a bit too mundane for them. I catch a glimpse of Desmond. I haven't seen cinna at all though. I finally get across the room. I see Brutus and Cato talking to someone.
I'm about to start walking over when a clearly drunk man hugs me from behind.
"Ahh Clove" he slurs
I try to politely push him off me but his grip is to tight. I go to shove him off me in a way that works but his next words catch me off guard.
"I wonder if snow will sell you too. I'd love to get my hands on you. Lyme's getting to old to enjoy now" he slurs
I freeze his warm breath hovers over my kneck and the words he just said sink in. I'm 15 surely his lying. And Lyme. He said something about one of our victors .everyone always complains we don't see our Victor enough is that why? The presidents too busy selling her body. The man is yanked off me but he clings around my waist pulling me backwards on top of him. I scramble to get away from this disgusting man but it clings on tightly. Brutus appears over the top of me and rips the other mans arms off me pulling me off him. I immediately move behind Brutus like his some sort of barrier.
Enobaria stands in front of Cato I realise she has a grip on his wrist and whispers somthing harshly into his ear. The crowd turns back laughing at what just happend saying things like "somebody got a bit too excited"
I hate them. I hate them all. Nimit seems to appear out of nowhere
"I think it's time to go. This is no place for children at this hour" says Nimit
You know what else isn't a place for children, an arena where they fight to the death. But nobody mentions that.
When we walk out of the mannor the sun is just peaking out over the horizon. As soon as we're out of sight Cato clasps my hand.
"What happend?" He asks
Instead of replying I pull him into a tight embrace as if I'll never let go and he hugs me back.
"He said he was going to buy me!" I cry
Cato pushes me back so his hands on my shoulders anger swells to his face
"I'll kill him!" He shouts "I'll kill all-"
Brutus clasps a hand over his mouth
"Be quiet would you. We'd never let that happen" says Brutus.
Though I feel his telling his truth. I can't help but think of the capitol. Brutus vs the capitol. I'm not optimistic. Nimit pulls me into an embrace. I hug her back. She may be part of the capitol I hate. But at least she trying.
Cato and I walk back his arm draped around my shoulder protectively. Enobaria looks around. Scanning if anybody nearby. As soon as we get close to the building she pulls me away from Cato. We pile into the lift and travel back up to the second floor.
Enobaria guides me by my shoulders into my room and I don't think I have the strength to resist her push. This whole thing has been exhausting. I just want to go home. Where there's no cameras.
"I want to go home" I cry to Enobaria.
"I know" she says softly
We both sit on my bed and she pulls me closer and starts undoing my hair whilst I sniffle. She pulls each band out delicately and brushes her fingers through my hair. I think back to earlier
"Enobaria. Your teeth" I start "did they do that to you? The capitol"
She nods her head "yes... they did"
My head drops if the capitol can dramatically alter an appearance without consent. There's no question of the power they hold. Enobaria sees my expression
"But I'd never let them change you or Cato. At least not when I'm around to know about it" she says
She unhooks the earrings from my ears "these are pretty though. Wish they did this to me instead of making my teeth into fangs" she laughs trying to make the situation lighter.
It doesn't work.
"Goodnight Clove"
She closes the door, I hear a lock turn behind her. I don't know if she's locking people out. Or locking me in away from Cato. But I don't care I'm to tired.