Hurt turned to anger. Anger turned to indifference when Noah disappeared for the whole day on Sunday. That meant I didn't get to talk to him. I didn't get to confront him. I didn't get to end our relationship once and for all. I considered moving my own stuff out, but I pay for the house, I pay all the bills, and I do all the cleaning and maintaining, so why should I lose that when he is the one who broke us?
Now it's Monday morning and I'm agitated. I can hardly concentrate on what the boss is telling everyone in this meeting. I don't even notice that my leg is bouncing up and down until Tristan places his hand gently on my thigh. I shoot him a grateful smile, which he returns with a look on his face that asks 'are you ok?'. I didn't get to update him after he comforted me over the phone. He knows I'm not ok, but isn't pushing it. I purse my lips and give a small nod. It's not important right now.
The boss is going over budgets for the new campaign when my phone buzzes on the desk in front of me. I quickly snatch it up before too many people notice, glancing down to read the notification.
Noah- babe can I borrow $50 till payday tomorrow, love you.
My body stiffens, the anger is back and I'm sure it's radiating from me in waves. The nerve this guy has to disappear for days, cheat on me and then ask me for money like nothing is wrong. Does he think I'm stupid?
Well obviously.
Maybe I am. I've been letting him get away with this behaviour for so long. Too long. But enough is enough. I wanted to talk to him in person, but it can't wait any longer.
I grip my phone tight in my hand as I try to pay attention to the meeting again. I resist the urge to reply with a smart remark about how payday is for people who work, receiving an unemployment benefit hardly counts as pay.
My heart rate increases the angrier I get, and it must be noticeable now because both Tristan and Scarlett are glancing at me every minute or so.
Finally we are dismissed. I don't wait, scooping up my diary, pen and phone and I'm first out the room. I burst out of the office and into the elevator. Even though I know that pressing the same button over and over again won't make it move any faster, I still do push that damned button over and over. It's enough to distract me from the time the elevator is taking to reach our floor.
When the doors finally slide open, I step inside and push the button for the rooftop garden, knowing that I would have a bit more privacy for the call I'm about to make. Before I'm even walking out of the elevator, I have my phone to my ear, hearing it ring, then the sound of the call connecting as I walk to the edge of the roof.
"Hey Mack, did you get my text?" Noah says on the other end of the phone, totally oblivious to the hell about to be unleashed on him. He speaks as if he wasn't gone almost all weekend sleeping with lord knows who. He speaks like it's just any other day in our mundane lives.
It only makes me angrier.
"Yes I did get your text and no, you can't have any money from me. You can't have anything at all from me anymore Noah," I reply coldly, my tone firm and final and I'm actually impressed with myself for holding it together.
"Mack? Is this the same shit you were going on about last week? I thought we sorted that out."
"The same shit? What sort of fool do you take me for Noah? Huh? You just disappear for days at a time, you don't talk to me until you want something, you haven't even tried to have any semblance of a relationship with me for months now! Having some twisted as fuck angry sex and a conversation with no resolution is not sorting it out!"
I know I'm yelling, my hands are starting to shake and tears are forming in my eyes. I'm pacing back and forth as I speak, trying to steady myself enough to say what I need to.
"I text you to let you know that I wouldn't be home," he interrupts me to say.
I scoff loudly. "Yeah Noah, you text me on Friday and didn't come home till Saturday night, then Sunday you were gone again. And you must really take me for a fucking fool Noah. I asked you, I asked you straight out if you were cheating on me and you said no. You said I was paranoid, you said you wouldn't do that to me. So imagine my surprise when I find an empty condom wrapper in your pants, and you clearly didn't use it with me!"
I'm so wrapped up in the conversation I didn't even hear the door open behind me, didn't notice that Tristan had come looking for me until I pace back again and he is standing in my line of sight. I see the look of pity on his face as he hears my side of the phone call.
He knows. He listened to me sob on Saturday night, he let me cry, waited till I calmed down before talking. He even offered to come and pick me up.
"Why the fuck did you go through my shit?" Noah replies bitterly, as though I'm the one who did something wrong here.
"Is that actually what your most concerned about? That I caught you? You left your shit in the middle of the bathroom floor you idiot, I was cleaning up, like I'm always cleaning up after you! Don't you dare turn this around on me!"
"What do you want me to say Mack?"
"I want you to fucking admit that you cheated and then you can pack your shit and get out. When I get home I don't want to see you or any of your stuff. We are done Noah. We've been done for a long time."
"Mackenzie, come on, we can work this out," he tries, but my mind is made up.
"No, Noah. We can't work this out, I don't want to work this out. I don't want to be with you. I suggest you are moved out by the time I'm home today for both our sakes," I stay firm on my word, my voice strong, anger laced through my words.
"You're seriously breaking up a five year relationship over the phone? You could have at least done it in person. Don't I deserve that?"
"You don't deserve shit Noah. If you didn't disappear yesterday before I even woke up, this would have been done then. You left me with no choice. Just pack your stuff and get out."
"How the fuck am I meant to just move everything out in one day? Where am I meant to go?"
"I don't care. Go stay with the chick you've been fucking. Go to your parents and tell them what you've done. I don't care Noah, just be gone."
I don't allow him to say anything else as I hang up the phone. I've said what I needed to.
I take a deep breath in and as I exhale, I feel like I'm releasing a whole lot of tension. A weight has left my shoulders.
I don't know if he will actually pack his stuff and go, I'm half expecting him to still be there when I get home. He will think he can talk me into staying with him. I'm determined to stay strong though, to do what I need to for me.
"Mack, are you ok?" Tristan asks behind me. I had forgotten he was even there.
"How much did you hear?" I asked him, dropping my head and looking at the ground. I feel humiliated that I was dumb enough to get cheated on.
"Most of it," he replied, pulling me into his arms. "He doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve to be cheated on and lied to. You did the right thing."
"I know I did. I feel better, I do. I just..." I trailed off, not sure how to finish my sentence.
I really did feel better, lighter. I know it won't be easy adjusting and I probably won't be able to stay in the house we chose together. But I know that this is what I need.
"Are you going to stay at work today? I'm sure Scarlett will understand."
"I'm staying. I can't go home, he needs the time to move out. I could use the distraction too," I smile, as small as it is and pull myself from Tristan's arms.
"Come on, I could use a coffee," I say as I press the button for the elevator and Tristan follows. If I can convince everyone else I'm ok, maybe I will be.
***
The day wasn't long enough. I stayed back late too, anything to avoid going home. By 7pm the cleaner was in the office and I knew I had to leave. I gathered my belongings and shut down the computer, giving a small nod to the cleaner as I left.
I don't know what I expected when I got home. I told myself that I want him gone, but part of me was still scared for that to be a reality. My heart longed for our old life back. My head knew I deserved better.
The house was bathed in darkness, and even from the outside it felt cold and abandoned. I reminded myself that this is what I wanted. I told him to leave.
When I pushed open the door and flicked the switch beside the door, yet another wave of anger surged through me. My once organised and mostly clean home was trashed. I'll add petty to this list of cons about Noah.
My books and papers were strewn across the lounge. Photo frames smashed on the ground, other photos of us ripped and scattered across the floor. Our couch was gone, the TV too.
I started to check all the rooms, finding that he left everything in the kitchen, no surprise there, he hardly used the room. His games room cleared out, meaning he was now in possession of two tv's and me none. All that was left were the wear marks on the carpet now that the furniture was gone.
Thankfully he left me the bed. His drawers were all open on the side table, but empty. Seeing his side of the wardrobe cleared out caused me to inhale sharply. It made it feel so real, the contrast of my full shelves and his empty was a direct reflection of our relationship, or lack thereof.
Again, I reminded myself that this is what I wanted. But it didn't stop the confusion as my heart and mind continued to battle. Feelings of both relief and emptiness evaded my head.
Seeing as I had no tv now, I decided to take a shower and go to bed. I could at least watch Netflix on my laptop.
I ran the shower, then I turned music on to try to fill the silence that had fallen upon the house. Despite the many times I had been here alone recently when Noah didn't come home, the feeling of all of his belongings now gone too seemed to make the walls echo.
After a seriously hot shower that fogged up the stuffy old bathroom that had no proper ventilation I checked my phone. 6 missed calls, 3 voicemails and a text. I thought it a little odd that these all came through around the same time until I saw that three of the calls were from my Mum, one from Noah's Mum Lorraine and one from Mel. The last call was Tristan, followed by a text letting me know that he was just checking in.
I quickly replied to Tristan, letting him know that I am indeed fine, but the bastard took my couch and tv. Next I listened to the voicemails one by one, figuring that word must have spread by now about Noah and I.
"Mackenzie, it's me Mum. I've just gotten off the phone with Lorraine, she tells me you and Noah have split up. Please call me back as soon as you get this. How could this happen? Sweetie, talk to me."
"Mack, it's Lorraine. Look, I don't know what Noah has done, but can one of you please talk to us. I'm sure we can sort this out. You are like a daughter to me and I don't want to lose you. Please call me or your Mum, maybe we can all sit down together. Just.... please, call."
"Mack!! Call me!! News has spread like wildfire that you kicked Noah out. Finally!! I need the details and I need the truth because rumours are already starting and I get the feeling what I'm hearing isn't true. Call me babes, love you and proud of you."
I know that the conversation with Mel will likely last hours, and I don't really want to call Noah's Mum back. So I settle with calling my mum, because if I don't she will probably show up on my doorstep.
The phone barely even rings before she is picking up.
"Mackenzie! What has happened? Are you ok?"
"Hey Mum," I sigh as I climb into bed. "Yes I'm ok."
"What happened? Were you having problems? Why didn't you talk to me?"
"Mum, he cheated on me. But, that was only the final straw. Things haven't been good for a while. But I'm ok, I think this is for the best. I need this."
Mum and I talk for the next hour where I tell her everything. We talk and we cry together, me for how everything has turned out, and her because she didn't know and couldn't help me. It feels good to get it off my chest. I know she is upset that I have kept everything to myself for so long and she offered for me to come back home, but I declined. I told her all about my new job and new friends, explained that I'm ready for a new beginning and to find myself again. By the end of our conversation I think we may be in a better place than we have been for years.
When I spoke to Mel, she was practically ready to throw a break up party. She told me that Noah was apparently crashing at Jamie's. He conveniently told our mutual friends how I kicked him out and ended the relationship blaming my new job and the new people I've met, but left out the part that he cheated.
Mel promised to help set the record straight with our friends. She insisted that she would be coming over on the weekend and we would celebrate, preferably with my new friends and then pick up some hot ass like the hot single ladies that we are. Her words, not mine.
By the time I was drifting off to sleep, even though I was physically alone, I felt emotionally supported. It would take some adjustment, but for the first time in so long, I was excited for what tomorrow might bring. I'm ready to try new things and only say yes if it will benefit me. I can't say I won't make mistakes along the way, and I'll probably still get hurt. But I'm doing this for me.