HOLDING THE WORLD STILL
✩
I had been waking up next to Draco for months now-but today felt different than every other morning. This is utopia. My hand on his chest, his arm lazily slung across my waist. The stripes of morning sunlight pouring between the splits in the curtain, soaking his pale skin, making him look luminous even in his sleep. A blonde-haired angel.
His brows furrow, a small protesting hum from him as he dreams. Gently, I run a hand through his silver hair, pushing it away from his forehead and his expression relaxes.
Unwittingly, I find myself tracing 'I love you' across his arm with my finger.
I feel blissful. My mind is nowhere but right here and I have never felt more present. I would never know a more peaceful feeling than of this right here-lying beside Draco, watching the tranquility of his expression as he sleeps, the quiet hum of his even breaths and the intoxicating sweetness of his apple-like scent.
He stirs as he pulls from his repose. It takes him a moment before his eyes meet mine, a delicate smile growing on his lips. His eyes hung heavy from sleep. "Mmm, morning, my love."
My breath hitches at the sound of his morning throaty voice. "Good morning." I bit on my bottom lip, fighting away a splurge of giddiness that made me want to squirm.
Draco's eyes flashed. "Don't do that."
"Do what?"
Reaching his hand towards my face, Draco pulled my bottom lip down with his thumb. He looks to be in a trance, his eyes distant as they scan my features; his hand never letting go of where he held my chin.
My heart is whizzing so drastically, I almost forget to breathe.
Good God, Draco Malfoy is my heaven. One would die to dwell in such a thing.
Draco's fingers ran through my hair before gently gripping the back of my neck and pulling my face to his, his lips embracing mine. So much electricity coursed through my body that even my toes feel happy.
I won the lottery of life.
He kisses me once, slow and gentle. Taking his time because we're in no rush. We have all the time in the world. Then he kisses me again, and again, until I'm left dizzy and desperately holding onto his arms as though I'm afraid I'll somehow float away.
Pulling back the slightest, Draco smiles. His eyes are still closed. "Do you have any idea how hard it was to wake up next to your for months and not kiss you?" His words fell out in a dense whisper.
My insides feel as though they've lit right up, warm and fuzzy. I'm excited and happy and nervous all at once and it's making me want to squirm, or squeal, maybe both.
Oh, God. I love you, I love you, I love you.
"Draco, I-"
Frenzied knocking on Draco's room door sounded, causing us both to jump out of bed in a panic. Draco glanced at me, his eyes glazed with concern before he pulled the door open.
Blaise glanced between Draco and I, not seeming surprised to see me here. "You might want to come down to the Entrance Hallway. Something's going on."
"What happened?" I moved past Draco to look at Blaise. He looked equally as concerned and confused as Draco and I did.
"Not sure," Blaise shrugged, already turning to leave. "But something is wrong."
"Draco..."
Blaise had already left and Draco turned to look at me, rushing over to take my face in his hands when he read the panic hiding behind my eyes. "It's okay. We won't worry until we know there's something to worry about."
Draco's fingers laced through mine as we left the dormitory and Slytherin common room, going through the dungeons and arriving at the Entrance hallway. The professors were all gathered in small groups, taking in hushed whispers. Students clamoured around, the hallway bustling with chatter.
"What's going on?" Draco and I approached Pansy and Blaise who stood with the other Gryffindors.
"Not a clue," Ron shrugged.
"Nothing good." Harry sighed. From the look on his face, he knew more than he was leading on.
"QUIET!" Snape's loud, cold voice boomed through the room and instantly silenced everyone. He stood on the stairs, towering above everyone else. "As some of you have learnt, our Headmaster Professor Albus Dumbledore has..." Snape faltered, struggling to say the words. "Albus Dumbledore is no longer with us."
Gasps and chatter sounded throughout the hall.
What?
Minerva cleared her throat, coming to stand beside Snape. Her eyes were glossed over and hands slightly trembling by her sides but she kept her expression as guarded as she could. "We have lost a tremendous life and the loss will surely be felt all throughout the Wizarding World. We want to assure you, everything will remain in order and for those of you who need, counselling will be provided. We know Albus Dumbledore treated many of you like his own pupils."
"What?" Pansy muttered quietly from beside me. "What the fuck is going on?"
"Professor Minerva McGonagall will be taking place as our new Headmistress." Snape said, his voice thick.
One wand after the next, everyone pointed their wands to the sky to honour Dumbledore.
Soon after, everyone resumed their daily routine, starting with breakfast in the Great Hall. The atmosphere was tense and uneasy. Everyone could feel it. Like spiders crawling along your spine, the news of Dumbledores sudden and unexpected death was looming over the halls of Hogwarts.
"What the fuck just happened?" Ron muttered as he slid into his seat at our usual table. The news was entirely random and taking everyone for a whirl.
Harry ran a hand down his face, slinking down in his seat. "Dumbledore destroyed the stone."
My blood ran cold. I froze. "What?"
Harry sheepishly met my eyes. "The Stone of Vita. Dumbledore had it all along. Years ago, when Samael first tried to take the stone from your father, Dumbledore came into possession of it in the midst of the battle when the stone was misplaced."
"What the fuck?" Pansy's voice was so sharp, other heads turned in our direction. "That-that fucking bastard had it all along?"
I wasn't the only one to wince at Pansy's remark.
Pansy was enraged by this news.
"He finally destroyed it," Harry continued solemnly. "He didn't want to risk what happened with Samael happening again. There's far too much damage that can happen if anyone else finds out the stone exists. I'm sure there's plenty with the same ideologies as Samael."
Pansy stood from her seat, frantically shaking her head. "You have got to be kidding me. We wasted all that time because we didn't have the stone. Elysia got fucking tortured for months which could have been prevented if-"
I grabbed Pansy's wrist, forcing her to look at me. I shook my head softly. "Pansy, please."
Pansy clenched her jaw, her eyes dark and filled with deep-rooted anger. "No. How can you be so okay with this? He had it. The whole fucking time, Lys. He had it and he hid that from everyone."
I closed my eyes, exhaling deeply. Draco, who sat on my other side, held my other hand under the table.
I really wanted this chapter of my life to be over with. Samael and everything that happened-I needed that to be done and left far in the past.
"He's dead now," Ron mused quietly. "Which is terrible! But-what can we do now?"
Pansy struggled to tame her frustration. Her fists clenched and unclenched. "I don't fucking understand. Why would he lie to all your parents? Why didn't he tell anyone he had the goddamned stone?"
"Pansy!" I exclaimed, rising to my feet and turning my body towards her. "Does it matter to question it at this point?"
She gaped at me. "How are you not angry, Lys? We could have gotten you out of that hellhole far soon-"
"Stop it!" I ran a hand down my face, exasperating. "Dumbledore was right not to hand over the stone. My life is not worth saving if it means handing over the most powerful fucking object in the world to the darkest wizard out there." I shook my head, sighing as I pushed aside my chair. "Thank you all, truly, for rescuing me but really-I probably would have been better off left dead in that fucking basement. You all would have been better off too."
I left the Great Hall.
-
I sat in the soft meadow beside the Black Lake, shaded by the trees, thousands of violets blooming in the tall grass. The quiet whispers of the wind and gentle whooshes of the lake flowing kept me company. It was secluded and much further from the castle, giving me a solitude I was in much need of.
I felt terrible.
Guilt twisted my intestines and made me feel sick to my stomach.
How could I say I was better off dead when Draco-and my friends, were more than enough reason for staying alive? They deserve so much better than what I am. They've spent all this time fighting for someone who may still secretly appraise death.
It seemed, despite having my torturesome memories removed, I was still defective.
I ran my hand through the grass; my head tilted to the side as I watched the strings of green thread between my fingers.
I couldn't remember the time I spent as a hostage. I could no longer picture it in my mind or recall the exact events of what happened to me. But, I could still feel it. Engraved in my bones. Quite literally, carved into my flesh; the numerous scars sitting all over my body, on my arm, my thigh, sliced skin turned to cicatrices along my back.
Even without the memories to traumatize me, what had happened still lived within me and left a part of me hollowed. I couldn't explain it, sometimes I couldn't understand it-but as much as the memory extraction healed me, it didn't turn me back into the same girl I was before I had been taken last year.
"If you're going to brood out here, of all places, at least bring a cloak."
I lifted my gaze to see Draco walking towards me, his eyes red-rimmed. He silently placed his coat over my shoulders before sitting down in front of me, picking at the grass. I watched him but he didn't look at me, not once.
"I'm trying, Draco." My voice came out quiet, cracking. "I really am."
"I know." He plucked out pieces of grass unwittingly. "So am I."
Why can't I be stronger?
"Are we unintentionally hurting each other? Or at least, is that what I'm doing?"
Draco finally lifted his head and looked at me. His expression was crushed from my words. "I-I just-" he sighed, running a hand down his face. "You have to forgive the world, my love."
He's right. I know he is.
"I want to."
"I know," he murmured softly, looking back down at the grass.
"I don't always know I'll be able to."
Draco stayed silent for a long moment before he looked at me again, looking torn. "Every tomorrow deserves you-needs you. Just breathe, my love. Let everything else free."
My heart ached. "I just want the world to pause. Just for a second." The words fell out in a depleted whisper.
A soft, doleful smile tugged on Draco's lip. He moved closer to me and with a gentle touch, took my face in his hands. "Then, let me pause it for you."
Draco sealed the remaining space between our faces. I sighed between the fragile kiss, slow and tantalizing and truly stopping time for a moment. He kisses me and I feel my senses shift, my soul sway.
Draco pulled back, barely. His forehead leaned against mine, still holding my face in his hands. "Anytime you need me to, I promise to do everything in my being to hold the world still for you."
I cracked a small smile, my heart beating for this boy. I love you.
He continued painting over my scars, with every colour he could possibly find in this world. He would continue to do so until I lost my scars in the eventide.
Draco pulled back, rising to his feet and brushing off his robe. He looked down at me. Past his faint smile, I could see the sadness seeping through his features. "Nobody would have been better off. The world would cease to matter at all without you in it."
My heart cracked.
I watched the blonde-haired angel turn and head up the hill, the sun making him radiate brighter than he already did otherwise.
I fell onto my back, lying in the ticklish grass with my hands folded on top of my stomach. I watched the clouds wander past my gaze.
When every inch of the world was annihilated, burnt to the core and left with nothing but dead havoc and wreckage, Draco Malfoy was my proof that life is beautiful.