A FUNNY THING:
HOW SOMEONE SUDDENLY
BECOMES THE
CENTRE OF YOUR UNIVERSE
✩
I was walking through the fifth floor of Hogwarts when I noticed a familiar face sneaking out of the Ravenclaw common room. Blaise Zabini slyly descended the spiral staircase that led to the entrance of the common room.
My jaw dropped.
"Oi, Zabini!"
He jumped in surprise at the sound of my voice, placing a hand over his heart to calm his escalating heart rate. "Elysia. Merlin-don't sneak up on people like that!"
My eyes narrowed suspiciously as I approached him. "Interesting seeing you here."
Blaise's face flushed as he started choking on air, sputtering coughs. "I was just-I was getting my daily steps in for the day."
"Yeah?" I crossed my arms over my chest. "Or were you having a secret rendezvous with a particular blonde Ravenclaw?"
Blaise's mouth fell open as he stared at me at a loss.
"You're blushing, Zabini!" I couldn't help laughing in awe at the sight of Blaise Zabini utterly flustered. It was adorable.
Blaise's face fell in defeat. "Don't tell anyone. Please."
My eyebrows pulled together. "I wouldn't but why not?" When Blaise glanced around to avoid looking me in the eye, the circumstances became clear to me. "Oh my-you and Luna are in a secret relationship, aren't you!" I smacked his arm, unable to contain my excitement.
Blaise winced as he pulled my arm and dragged me further in the hallway, out of sight though there weren't many people up here. "It's early days. It's all new and-and I'm not even sure what it really is."
I bit my lip to stop my smile from looking manic; hopping onto the windowsill, my legs swinging. I felt like an eager child who just discovered toffees for the first time. "You're serious. This is-Merlin's beard, this is fantastic, Blaise!"
Blaise smiled sheepishly as he sat down on the windowsill beside me. "I really like her, Lys. I'm scared the Slytherin in me will mess it up."
I frowned. "Ambitious, resourceful, loyal. How could being Slytherin possibly be bad?"
Blaise looked at me flatly. "Shrewd, cunning, snide. You're missing the most known traits of a Slytherin-don't get me wrong. I am loyal to the house but..."
I shook my head adamantly. "You are none of the above. None of you are. Pansy, Draco, hell even Snape. Frankly, Slytherins don't deserve the bad rep you lot receive."
Blaise smiled at me. "You're a good friend, Lys."
I nudged him softly. "I think it's due time you and Luna scoured the courage to make some moves."
Blaise and I both laughed. When the chuckles subsided, Blaise grew more solemn. "How do you do it?"
"Do what?"
Blaise fiddled with her fingers. "With Draco." He paused, sighing. "I've never felt this way about someone. It's pathetic to admit-I'm not sure I even would to anyone else but-these feelings, they're kind of scary."
My heart swelled at Blaise's words. I wanted to hug the life out of him. "They are."
Blaise lifted his gaze to meet my eyes. "You feel that way too?"
I nodded, leaning back against the window. "All the bloody time." I laughed breathily. "God, I love him so much it hurts. But sometimes-sometimes I wish we'd never met."
Blaise's eyebrows drew together. "What? Why?"
I smiled sadly, looking down at my hands. "Because he deserves so much more than a broken person he has to hold together each night."
Blaise frowned, shaking his head. "Elysia, don't say that. That's not-"
"I'm not trying to be self-deprecating or insecure." I cut him off quietly. "It is true, Blaise. I'm not looking for sympathy, pity or reassurance. It's just the truth. I've been trying to heal but the reality is, everything that happened to me is going to stay with me forever. Even with the memories gone, it will still always be there and because of it, part of me is never really going to be whole." I looked at Blaise again, smiling woefully. "Loving me must be so fucking hard and I wish I could tell him how sorry I am for that."
Blaise glowered sadly, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. "I'm so fucking sorry you don't see how worthwhile it is just being able to know you, Elysia."
I cracked a smile, peering up at him. "You know, the scary part is what makes it worth it. Fear means you have something to lose."
"It's weird," Blaise murmured in thought. "I had met her before, you know. I spiked my punch at Slughorn's Christmas party. I was laughing at Draco for getting in trouble when he tried to crash the party and I spilled my drink on Luna's shoes." Blaise smiled fondly at the memory.
I exhaled heavily, looking ahead at the stone walls. "It's a funny thing how someone suddenly becomes the centre of your universe."
Blaise looked at me, craning his neck to the side. "You and Draco-you're still not officially together though, are you?"
I heaved a breath. "No. He's the one thing in the world I want but I'm too afraid to do anything because I think I need to heal and be able to love myself before-before-"
"Before you can really let him love you?" Blaise offered.
"Yeah, that. I suppose."
"You know, a while ago I don't think I really would have understood all this. Now, I do." Blaise shrugged softly. "I don't want to get ahead of myself but Luna, she makes me understand exactly what you mean when you say all this."
I smiled ecstatically. "Seeing you flustered might just be my new favourite sight, Zabini."
"Oi, sod off." Blaise rolled his eyes, shoving me softly. "But I will admit, it's not a bad feeling, not at all."
I hummed thoughtfully. "You think our blondes have any idea how whipped we are?"
Blaise snickered at my comment. "Merlin, I hope not."
I laughed quietly. "God. He drives me absolutely crazy."
"That much we've been seeing since first year. Although seeing how far you've come, it's almost impossible to imagine you once 'hated' each other."
I nodded slowly, in thought. "He saves me every day and he has no idea."
Blaise tilted his head to the side, considering. "I reckon he needs you just as much, Lys. When you were-gone, he stopped functioning."
I twisted my body to face Blaise's. "Really?"
Blaise laughed. "Are you kidding? He was on a rampage-we all were but Draco," Blaise exhaled heavily, shaking his head. "He never slept. He wasn't planning to until we got you back. He looked as though it hurt him just to breathe."
My chest tightened. "I... didn't know that." Instinctively, my hand found its way to the necklace I wore. I spun the pressed clover pendant between my fingers. "He saved me. Not just when he got me out but every day I was down there."
"What do you mean?"
"It's almost like-like maybe I wasn't alone down there. That sounds stupid." I ran a hand down my face, exasperating. "I don't know. Holding onto Draco was the only thing that kept me from losing myself. He saved me then, every day since, and every day onwards he continues to and I don't even think he realizes it. Draco saved me from me."
Blaise's eyes almost looked to gloss over as he pulled me into his side and hugged me. "Merlin. He might help but Elysia, you've been fighting your way out all on your own. I don't think you even realize your own strength."
-
Late at night, I walked through the empty corridors and dungeons to get to Draco's room. It seemed we were falling back into our old routine. I didn't mind it at all. All-day long, I found myself actually looking forward to just being able to lie beside him.
Just as I rounded the corner, I heard a door slamming shut. I halted to a stop when I saw Mara right outside his room, the door closing behind her.
Her eyes flickered onto me. Smirking, she approached me. "Lost, Ambrose? These are the Slytherin dorms."
I blinked, just staring confusedly.
Her short hair was wet as if she just stepped out of the shower. My eyes fell on the sweatshirt she wore.
It's Draco's.
I could recognize it because I had worn it before. It was one he often slept in. She stood close enough for me to smell his subtle cologne on it, laced with Draco's usual minty scent.
And she was wearing it.
My heart throbbed.
"Oh." Mara's eyebrows raised. "You're not here for Malfoy, are you?"
My ability to speak had entirely vanished. All I could do was stare at her.
She laughed. "He's in the shower right now so he may not hear you knock on the door." Winking, she moved past me, her shoulder knocking against mine as she walked away.
I stood there frozen.
He's in the shower.
Her hair wet.
She's in his sweatshirt.
I don't know how long I stood there, just staring blankly at the ground with my heart racing and chest growing tighter and tighter.
Pills. Pills, pills, pills. I need pills. I need to get high. God, I cannot feel this hurt. I can't do it.
I scrambled away from Draco's room, spinning on my heels and practically running away. I needed to get out of there. It felt as though the walls were closing in on me.
I knew Mara was conniving. I refused to play right into her games-which made me doubt what I had just seen. It was all so obvious, but too obvious.
Draco wouldn't do that.
Then I remembered their kiss that went on for a second or two longer than necessary.
Then I remembered the few times I had seen them together, in the common room or Great Hall.
The times she flung herself all over him. He may not have responded, but he also didn't stop her. He didn't walk away. He didn't move away from her. He sat there and let her whisper quiet-nothings in his ear. He didn't step away from her when her hands were roaming up and down his chest or pulling on his tie.
Instead of going back to my room, I found myself frantically knocking on Pansy's room door. It was late, I didn't know if she'd be awake but-I couldn't be alone. I needed a friend. I needed something, anything but the pills that were looking more and more irresistible in my mind.
I will not be that weak and break so easily.
Pansy was frantic when she pulled her room door open, looking to be mostly asleep. "Bubba? What's wrong? What's happened? Come in." She pulled me into her room, her hands on my arms as she carefully scanned my face. "Love, why are you crying?"
I sniffled as I wiped the wetness on my cheeks with the sleeves of the jumper I wore. "Can I sleep here tonight?"
"Of course." Pansy bit back a frown as she pulled me to her bed. I laid on my side with my head on her arm, while she was half-sitting and half-lying. Pansy stroked my hair and didn't say anything as I cried. I didn't even really know why I was crying.
Pansy hugged me, murmuring quiet it's okay's and letting me cry until I eventually fell asleep.