START OF A DROUGHT
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"I'm so sorry I didn't realize." Pansy hugged me tight enough for me to not be able to breathe. "I should have known. I don't know how I didn't see it. I'm a terrible friend."
I winced as I pulled away from her and frantically shook my head. "Stop it, Pans. Please. This isn't on you-you couldn't have known or done anything had you known."
Pansy frowned. I could see it on her face that my words weren't convincing her. "Why wouldn't you tell me, Lys? I'm not like your Gryffindor friends-no offence to them but they're much more cautious about even bringing any trauma-related thing up."
I sighed as I sat down on the edge of her bed. "I was ashamed," I confessed quietly. It was the first time I admitted it, even to myself. "So much for being a Gryffindor. I don't have enough bravery to deal with my own thoughts. That's pathetic."
Pansy blinked rapidly, incredulous as she sat down beside me. "Don't fucking say that. That is not true. Merlin, Lys, you're the strongest fucking person I know. If anyone else went through a fraction of what you did, they'd already have descended into insanity."
I couldn't help but laugh. "I'm not sure I haven't."
"Don't be so self-depreciating."
I groaned as I fell backwards on her bed, lying on my back. "If you lot knew it was still so bad, so bad I was taking drugs, you only would have worried more."
Pansy turned to peer down at me, her expression flat. "We're you're friends! You act as though we aren't meant to care about you."
"I don't want you to worry more than you already do."
Pansy rolled her eyes. "You're quite ridiculous, you know that? If we don't worry about you, who will? If it were any of us, would you not worry?"
My lips fell into a tight line. She had a point, one that I couldn't counter.
"Exactly!" Pansy shoved my shoulder softly. "I'm actually quite offended you thought you couldn't come to me." She pouted out her bottom lip.
I chuckled as I grabbed her arm and pulled her down so she laid beside me. I wrapped my arms around her, rolling over so I laid on top of her. Pansy laughed as she hugged me back. "I fucking love you, you idiot."
My face nuzzled in the crook of her neck and I smiled. My heart filled with light and warmth once again-a feeling I hadn't felt in so long. "I love you more."
-
Obviously, it had finally come time that I was forced into staying clean.
As much as it terrified me, I knew it was for the best. I knew I had to do this. I knew I had to start fighting and clawing my way out of my own darkness. It took me a long time-and an overdose-to finally see it. I couldn't let myself slip away. I couldn't keep lying to my friends. I couldn't stop them from worrying, nor should I because my friends were exactly what would get me through this.
I halted to a stop when I spotted Draco down the corridor. He walked out of class, his charming smile on his face as Pucey spoke to him. His presence lit up the entire hall. His soul held stardust. I didn't need drugs when the feelings I felt for Draco made me feel high anyways. He was a risk, sometimes a mystery, but he was the most certain thing I'd ever know.
In the middle of my chaos, there he always was.
Somehow, he always made me feel a little more alive and far less lost.
Nevertheless, staying clean still had its difficulties. I felt anxious all the time, I felt as though I was once again constantly looking over my shoulder, I was scared to be alone. Everything resumed the way it had been before the summer. The paranoia, the fear and dread swirling inside my stomach, the feeling of always being cold. I restlessly laid awake all throughout the night-sometimes just crying and crying and crying until I could no longer breathe. Silently pleading for it all to stop; Samael's face in my mind, my screams from the basement echoing through my head, all of it.
Like rainfall after a life-long drought, after having a taste of the numbness that brought serene silence and sweet stillness, it was cruel to stay away from such relief.
Of course, the others had heard of my overdose, proceeding to learn about the substance abuse that had been going on for some months now. Fred hadn't spoken to me. He wouldn't even look at me. George, Harry and Hermione were the most angry at themselves-angry they hadn't seen it, realized it sooner.
"This is precisely why I kept it from you lot." I told them. "You're not to blame. I was conscious of my decisions and even if you had known, you wouldn't have stopped me. I didn't want you lot to find out because I knew somehow you'd blame yourselves."
I hated that I made them feel this way. I hated that I was the cause of everything I did not want. It broke my heart to see them feeling culpable.
The first few days of my attempt to stay clean, Hermione made me potions in secret that helped rid the withdrawal symptoms.
The more my mind tried to pull me under the water to drown me, the more my friends stuck by my sides and did all they could to make me feel better, to distract me, pushing away the darkness with the light they each held within them. They continued sharing their own light when I couldn't seem to find my own.
I love my friends so much it hurts.
"Lys?" Fred's broken voice broke me away from my thoughts. I turned around to see his pained eyes filled with sadness.
"Freddie," I exhaled. He had been avoiding me and that broke my heart.
He shifted sheepishly from foot to foot. "Can we talk?"
I nodded as I followed him to an empty corner in the corridor. "Freddie, I'm so fucking sorry. I never meant to hurt you or lie to you. I just-I didn't want to cause you any more trouble and I knew you'd only worry more if you knew how badly I was still struggling and-"
Fred cut me off by pulling me into a hug. As if we had never been apart, we embraced each other with such intensity it took my breath away. Fred leaned down as he was much taller than me, his arms secured around my waist. Warm tears silently rolled down my cheeks. Neither one of us wanted to let go, so we didn't.
I brushed my tears away. "I'm so sorry, Freddie. You're my best friend, always."
Fred sighed softly in my ear, still holding onto me. "Never lie to me again, Lys."
"I won't. I promise."
Finally, we pulled away from one other. Fred peered down at me with his warm eyes carefully taking in each inch of my appearance. "You really do need to eat more."
"I will." I gripped onto his hand, my chest trembling. "I promise I will start taking care of myself." I had to. If not for myself than for all the wonderful people around me who deserved more. I had to fight. For them, I had to.
Fred exhaled deeply, cracking a small smile. "I've missed you. I should have listened or tried harder. I should have done better. I'm sorry I was such a wanker."
I shook my head quickly. "You weren't. Not at all. It was all my fault-I was-"
"It's okay." He cut me off, his voice soft. "We'll be better now, right?"
I nodded, smiling up at him. "We'll be better."
But at last, came nightfall.
My screams echoing in my mind like a broken record. It was cold again, cold and dark. I was back in the basement.
My body was withering on the concrete, with nowhere for me to escape to. My screams sounded in the room, echoing and drowning away all sense of existence around me. There was nothing but my wilting body and pain. So much pain. Samael stepped towards me, gripping my face in his hands. "You make a rather-enchanting plaything, dearie."
"Shut up. Shut up. Shut up." I twisted and turned on my bed, tugging on my own hair as I desperately tried to think of anything that would pull my mind away from there.
And then, I found myself dragging my feet through the dungeons with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders. My body trembled. My legs wobbles. My breaths were shallow. My head throbbed as the sounds of my own wailing cries refused to shut up.
Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop.
I found myself quietly knocking on the familiar room door that belonged to the boy who held my heart. I felt guilty for being here but I didn't know where else I could possibly go.
With squinted eyes and disheveled hair, Draco pulled the door open. One look at my tear-stained face jolted him awake as he pulled me into his room. "What happened?"
I cried into his chest as he wrapped his arms around me. His warmth instantly flushed away the coldness that spread goosebumps along my skin. "I-I can't-you said you're here and I can come to you and-I-I just-"
"It's okay." Draco stroked my hair as he held me. He let me cry for what felt like hours until I finally was able to relatively relax. He guided me to his bed where we laid down, his arms still secured around me as he pulled me close into his chest.
I met his eyes as he took my face in his hands, brushing away the tears coating my face. "I-I really wanted to take pills. I've never wanted to more but I-I came here instead."
Draco smiled delicately, brushing my hair out of my face with his fingers. "You can always come here. I am grateful that you did."
I sniffled as I rested my head on his chest. "I'm sorry." I whispered.
"For what, my love?"
I closed my eyes, tears continuing to silently roll down my cheeks. "For being so fucked up."
Draco exhaled sharply, his arms around me tightening their hold. "You break my heart when you say such things."
Draco Malfoy was the heartbeat that calmed the storm within me.
"I'm so tired."
Draco leaned his head on mine. "I've got you. You can sleep."
I sighed as I pulled my head back to look at him. "I'm tired."
Draco bit back an aching frown when he understood what type of tired I meant. "I know you are, love. But if you shut off all your feelings, you won't feel the good things either."
He was right. He always seemed to be. I didn't want to risk not being able to feel the good things-Draco and all the warmth he made me feel. Pansy, Fred, all the rest of my friends who brought out laughs and smiles I didn't know still existed within me.
His laced his fingers through mine. He would touch me and suddenly I would feel a little less war torn. I could no longer remember what peace felt like but I was sure, it must feel a lot like Draco.
The way he looked at me would always take my breath away; I could see it in his eyes, as if he were looking at galaxies, and I would never quite fathom that though I emanated dolor and discord, he never stopped seeing the sun in me.
My trembling fingers ran through his hair. His eyes followed my every movement, like he was trying to absorb my mere being. "Draco?"
He exhaled slowly, a lulling smile pulling on his lips. "Yes, my love."
Shivers ran through my veins when he called me that. My fingers trailed down the side of his face, tracing his jawline as I memorized the sensation of his skin under my fingertips. "How are you?"
His eyebrows raised in surprise, taken aback by the question. "How am I?"
I nodded. "You've been-a rock to me for months. You've been alongside the entire time and I-I've never asked how you're handling everything."
Draco exhaled softly, his hand squeezing mine. "If I've got you, I'll always be alright."
My heart is melting.
"I'm being serious, Draco."
"So am I."
Staying clean was the most difficult task I had ever been given.
But this.
This right here.
This moment that felt good made it all worth it.
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a/n: sorta boring chapter but the next three are boutta get iNtEnsE hehe