ENTROPY
✩
The summer was-just as good as it was terrible.
I spent a lot of time with the Weasleys and Potters-our families always being together, along with Remus and Sirius. It was always a fun time, loud and bustling with conversation and jokes. Music and games. Uncle Moony bringing an endless supply of chocolates. James Potter singing and strumming his guitar. It was impossible not to feel the suffocating love all around; one big family that never failed to bring a smile to your face.
However, nightfall would come, slowly draping down onto me like a blanket. I would lie restlessly awake and staring at the ceiling of my room for hours. Hours on end. Hours that seemed to grow longer and longer. I hardly got a blink of sleep-the odd nights when I would fall asleep, I would soon wake up from the nightmares. I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I'm not.
The worry my friends and family held had not subsided since the kidnapping took place. I could see it on their faces, the worry etched in between the lines on their faces.
They knew I was different. They knew something in me had changed. They all knew.
But how could I really explain what was going on with me when I didn't understand it myself? Was there even a way to describe the hollowness left inside me?
Some mornings, I would wake up. Sirius would be seated with my parents in the kitchen. I'd help myself to a much-needed cup of coffee-not failing to notice Uncle Sirius carefully but subtly watching me. Analyzing my movements, noting each hint of exhaustion on my face. He watched me like he was trying to find a loose thread that once pulled, would unravel the entire sweater.
"Get any sleep, kid?" He would ask casually as I joined the three adults at the table.
"Yes. I slept fine." I would shrug as I sipped on my coffee, the lie easily slipping out of my mouth. As if it were second nature. Sometimes, it didn't feel like a lie. I said it so much, I almost thought it was true.
Except for the crushing weight of my tired limbs, the exhaustion compressing my mind.
Later, when my parents weren't around, Sirius would approach me again. With his eyes narrowed thoughtfully, he said, "You don't look too well, kid. You're not catching a cold, are you?"
I forced a laugh, brushing off his remark. "I feel quite fine. I must not tan as easily as I thought I would under this sun."
Sirius nodded slowly, not looking like he was convinced. He leaned back on the recliner he sat in. "You know, when I was a boy I had a hard time. My family-they weren't the best of people." He paused for a moment, peering at me carefully. "Nightmares, panic attacks, falling into a very deep dark place in my mind-it's all familiar to me."
I stared back at uncle Sirius, biting on my bottom lip hard. I had to clench my fists to stop them from either spasming or trembling. "I-I just have a hard time sleeping sometimes. It's been getting better." I lied.
It had been progressively growing worse since being home from Hogwarts. I hadn't slept alone in the last two months. I was always with Draco. I thought, after all this time, I would be fine. I could manage to be alone, sleeping alone, sleeping without him.
I was wrong.
Sirius bit back a frown. I could see the sincere sadness behind his eyes.
"Please don't tell my parents," I spoke quickly, keeping my voice quiet. "It's really not that bad. I'm sure they have their suspicions that perhaps I haven't been the same but-I just don't want them to worry over a few lost hours of sleep."
Sirius sat up straighter, folding his hands in his lap and looking at me earnestly. "Is it just the few hours? Or is there something more going on? Don't lie to me, kid. I can help but only if you tell me."
I hesitated for a moment. "Sometimes-sometimes I remember everything that happened when I was-stuck down there. It just shakes me up, is all."
Sirius nodded slowly. "I'm going to make you some tea before bed tonight. It will help ease your mind and relax you. Hopefully, it will help you get some sleep."
And that night, Sirius did make me some tea. I didn't know what magical herbs he must've put in it but it did help me fall asleep-only for me to wake up a short few hours later, trembling in fear from a nightmare.
Nothing helped me.
Nothing except him.
Uncle Sirius would make me the tea every night-and as he said, it did help my body relax. It did make me feel calm which allowed me to fall asleep. The problem became staying asleep. Within an hour or two, I would wake from a nightmare, left lying awake for the remainder of the night.
The company of my own thoughts plagued me. Different creatures lurked in each corner of my mind, sitting in wait to drag me down.
Then I started studying, trying to find a way out. I taught myself to make a dreamless sleep potion-something I had thus far avoided because I was afraid of growing a dependency. With the help of house-elves along with some ingredients lying around at home already, I got the required elements to make the potion.
Frankly, I didn't think it would work.
But it did.
I fell asleep and stayed asleep the entire night, without a single dream or nightmare.
Halfway through the summer, I had grown much better rested and lively throughout the days. Everyone noticed the sudden change-my parents and Sirius seemed to grow much more eased seeing that I looked less lifeless. Even Fred and George commented on how much better I was looking.
I think Sirius thought it was his tea that had done the trick. I could see the triumph in his eyes. It was easier to make it seem like it was the tea-I doubted my parents would like the idea of me becoming dependent on a potion.
It all started with the sleep potion.
My mind would shut off and I could finally sleep at night, getting the much-needed rest I had been missing for some time now. The nighttime no longer scared me, knowing I no longer had to lie helplessly awake with the loudness of my jarring thoughts. As much as I dreaded and feared the night before, I now loved it.
I think I had grown addicted to sleeping.
All I wanted was to sleep. The only time my mind would be empty, having forgotten about everything for a little while-in a completely unconscious blank void.
I could now sleep so nights were no longer terrible-in fact, they were favoured because being unconscious was better than the alternative.
The problem was now during the daytime, during any waking moment.
The spasms in my hands had gotten bad again. I tried massaging my own hands the way Draco did but it didn't work. I could hardly massage with my trembling fingers.
My mind was incessantly haunted by flashbacks and memories, a relentless reel that played throughout the day, regardless of my company or activities. The crushing emotions I had experienced in that basement returned, enveloping me. I sought distraction by spending time with my family, engaging in card games with Sirius and Remus, and going out with the twins, but nothing could provide relief. It felt as if my own shadow clung to me, relentlessly attempting to pull me into its abyss.
Paranoia became my constant companion-I found myself persistently glancing over my shoulder, startled by the slightest noises. I couldn't fathom what awaited me, lurking in the shadows of my own imagination. The faces of the monsters I had conjured haunted me, their identities unknown.
I remained on edge, gripped by fear at all times as if I were no longer safe within my own body.
I didn't know what was wrong with me.
The anxiety was like a boulder on my chest, pressing down harder and harder. A garden of fear and dread sprouting from within me, growing until the fields were filled with weeds. So many, that plucking a few out wouldn't make the faintest difference.
As I said, it all started with the sleep potion.
Once the day had become as unbearable as night once was, I needed something to shut my mind of then as well.
It started with weed, which I sometimes would smoke with the Weasley twins. Then it progressed to muggle medications-anything to get a buzz. I would pop a few painkillers and my mind would slowly fade into oblivion. I wouldn't feel anything at all, just calm and as if I were floating. Any care in the world would wash away, temporarily as it may be.
I knew it was a dangerous and bad habit but once I started, I couldn't stop. I would stay clean for a day or two but when all I felt was the same feelings of panic and fear, a bone crushing all consuming anxiety, I would find myself taking pills again. They made me forget everything. They made my mind stop, completely. They made my thoughts become blank. They helped me get through the day without feeling like I was slowly unraveling.
That summer, I had found myself a new coping mechanism.