WHEN THE LEVEE BREAKS
✩
Samael leaned over my body that laid limp on the ground. I couldn't breathe. My lungs burned as I wheezed for air, desperate.
"It would seem that wizards are just as pathetic and weak as muggles." Samael's expression twisted in distaste. He poked his wand harshly into my arm like he was checking to see if I was still alive.
"Please," I croaked out. "What do you want from me?"
His head cocked to the side, his eyes lighting up with amusement. "Dearie, I only want to have fun."
"Please stop." My words came out in shuddering breaths. It was becoming increasingly harder to breathe. "Please don't hurt me anymore. I can't-just kill me already. Please-just kill me."
With pain, you could wish only one thing: that it should stop. Nothing in the world was so bad as physical pain. In the face of pain, there are no heroes. My Gryffindor bravery seized to exist. It was shameful and made me hate myself all the more.
"Elysia."
I tried to sit up, glancing around the dark basement to find where the familiar voice was coming from.
"Elysia! Wake up!"
I jolted upright in Draco's bed, sweat clinging to my body. Panting for air, my face wet from tears, my body shaking uncontrollably.
Draco looked terrified. He wrapped his arms around me, hugging me while I continued trembling and crying. "You're okay. You're right here. You're not there, Elysia. You're here and you're safe. Nothing is going to hurt you, I won't let anything." He whispered reassurances in my ear as he cradled me. It sounded like he was trying to convince himself as much as he was trying to convince me.
Draco held me for a long time. It took almost an hour until I was mostly calmed down. Draco got up to get me a glass of water; sitting down in front of me as he lifted the glass to my lips himself so I could drink. My hands were still shaking too much.
He placed the glass down on the bedside table before lifting his hand to push my hair out of my face. "Are you okay?"
I nodded slowly, blinking away remaining tears. "It was just a bad dream."
Draco took my hands in his and started massaging them, willing the tremors away. He stayed silent for a long moment before he finally looked at me again. "The last thing I want to do is ask but-you were saying-you were saying-"
"Kill me." I finished his thoughts for him when he couldn't. I lifted my gaze to meet his. "I was pleading for Samael to put me out of my misery." I felt as hollow inside as my words sounded.
Draco squeezed his eyes shut tightly, for only a moment. When he opened his eyes again, they were filled with agony. "I knew it was bad but I-I didn't know-I-" he shook his head, cutting himself off.
It was too difficult to even say.
I shrugged weakly, keeping my gaze trained on our hands. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't bear the pain on his face, the hurt he felt for me. He could still taste my personal war on me, feeling the battles on my skin, stitched across my body. He continued trying to rebuild fragile bone by bone and for that, I loved him all the more all while hating myself for putting him in such a position.
I could see the storms in his eyes; storms that raged with pain. Sorrow and despair. It broke my heart.
More pieces of my heart chipped away when I saw his glassy eyes did not hold pity. Draco did not look at me like I was a tragedy.
Breaking my heart almost entirely, was the look of desperation he was unable to hide. His eyes pleading for me to be okay.
I didn't know if I ever could be again.
"Dying is the easy part, Draco. Living is the trick."
He held me tightly when we laid back down as if he were physically trying to mend me back together. He looked fearful of what could happen if he let go of me.
I closed my eyes-only knowing that Draco wouldn't sleep himself until he knew I had successfully managed to fall asleep.
Even with my eyes closed, I could feel his gaze on me as though it were physically warming my skin. He just watched me-watching me breathe.
I will not sleep.
I can't sleep.
I can't hear my own screams wailing in my head again.
But they stayed there-like an ignited fire that couldn't stop growing, sparking higher and higher until everything in the proximity was set ablaze, burning until it became ash.
My screams scorched my mind. Deafening me.
I continued sinking into the darkness behind my own closed eyelids.
Focus.
You're here. You're not there.
I listened to the faint sounds of Draco's breathing. I listened to the light thump of his heart pattering against his chest. I felt the warmth of his body radiating onto mine.
I submerged myself into him and nothing more. Enclosing my world into a small bubble that only consisted of Draco. His breathing. His heartbeat. The feeling of his arms protectively wrapped around me, holding me.
Diminishing everything in the world except Draco was enough for me to stay calm enough for Draco to eventually think I had fallen asleep.
Then, his gentle voice sounded in a whisper and my body momentarily froze; I think I stopped breathing. "I'm so sorry," he murmured. His head rested on top of mine. "I promise I will try to fight the bad dreams off if they come to you."
Warmth flooded through my body when his lips pressed to my forehead, a delicate kiss.
"You're okay," he whispered. I think he were telling it more to himself than to me-who he thought to be sleeping.
Tears silently ran down my cheeks. My chest was tight and aching as I listened to Draco's breaths grow even.
When I was sure he had fallen asleep, I opened my eyes.
Even in his sleep, his expression looked strained and anguished. I wish there was something I could do to ease his distress-but how could I when I was the cause of his sorrow?
He's lying next to me, holding me, and all I can do is wonder what I did to deserve this moment-to deserve him. While he's here, breathing easily; what I could possibly do to be better for him than I was now?
My fingers trailed across his jawline, along the bridge of his nose. I was marvelled by his beauty that ran far deeper than his mien.
Somewhere along the lines, I had slipped my heart into Draco's pocket and it remained there. Safe and sound. Perhaps, it was the only thing keeping my heart protected-for I am not sure that otherwise, my heart could endure the calamities this life has given.
I am someone who did not die when I should have died.
And this boy.
This boy was just about the only thing that kept me holding on. Instead of flinging myself right off the astronomy tower or something far worse.
I laid awake the rest of the night, clinging to Draco and watching him sleep since I could not.
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"Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. "
Nothing worked.
Fold and crease. Fold again. Open the top flap. Crease left. Crease right.
My knees were hugged to my chest. I sat on the cold, hard floor of my bedroom. My body unwittingly rocked back and forth, as though that would grant me some sort of comfort. Cradling myself.
I need out.
I need out of my own mind.
Out of my own body.
Get me out.
Fuck. I want to die.
I felt like there was a monster growing inside me, continuing to grow until it consumed my whole being and I became the monster in its entirety. Nothing would be left of me.
Samael's bony finger trailed along my collarbone. I was squirming under him."What shall we do with you today?"
He spoke as if I were an animal he hunted-carefully deciding how it was he was going to butcher me. What method he wanted to use today. Which weapon he wanted to see slicing open my flesh. I was a toy to him-a toy he had the privilege of playing with as he pleased.
A deafening scream left my mouth. I couldn't recognize my own wailing.
Cries and aching howls of agony, so painful they could have split open my flesh; my body tottered back and forth on the floor. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to scratch myself out of my own skin.
-
NARRATOR
✩
Unable to get out of her own head, Elysia's arms wrapped around her knees as she rocked back and forth on the ground. So unbalanced. She no longer looked like herself. Her wails were agonizingly painful as they sounded throughout her room. She couldn't hear them for the nightmare inside her head was too garish.
A broken girl. So lost in wretchedness that even if she does find her way out of this labyrinth in hell, she fears she will never feel, see, taste or touch life in the same way she once used to.
The damage from the physical and mental abuse she suffered had left its scars. The aftermath was permanent and Elysia desperately tried to fight her way past it but could not. After such a trauma, her system of self-preservation seemed to be on permanent alert, as if danger might return at any moment. Alone with thoughts of what should have long been forgotten, she couldn't stop herself from being carried away into the silent screams of delirium.
Hermione, who had been walking to her room, flung the door open when she heard the muffled sound of Elysia screeching.
"Elysia?" The wind knocked out of Hermione when she saw the sight of her friend breaking down on the floor.
Hermione rushed over, falling to her knees as she held onto Elysia. "Merlin-fuck. Elysia. Breathe for me. Breathe."
Elysia couldn't even hear Hermione.
She couldn't hear anything past her own wheezing breaths, lungs begging for air. She couldn't hear anything past the screams in her mind. She couldn't hear anything past the darkness in her mind that obscured all else.
Hermione was in a panic, unable to think. She had not a clue what to do or how to help.
"Elysia," she pleaded. Her arms wrapped around Elysia's body tightly as she tried to hold her tottering form. "Try to breathe. You can breathe. Breathe, please!"
"Hey, do you-what the fuck?" Pansy halted to a stop at Elysia's doorframe. The air left her body.
Hermione glanced over her shoulder, her eyes panic-ridden. "Go get Fred or someone! I don't-I don't know what to do, Pansy. I can't-I can't calm her down!"
Pansy nodded frantically before racing off. She knew exactly who could help.
Draco was lying in bed; one arm bent behind his head and a book in his other hand. Loud, rapid knocking sounded on his door and he instantly grew worried.
"Wha-Pansy?" His eyebrows drew together. "What do you've got chasing you?"
Pansy blinked away tears. She couldn't see straight from the haze of panic that fogged her mind. "It's-it's Elysia. I don't know what's happened but Hermione-I-Draco, she needs you."
Draco's body froze, nearly toppling over. His heart plummeted to the pit of his stomach as the millions of terrible possibilities flashed through his mind. "What happened to Elysia? Is she okay?"
Pansy sputtered, her head shaking frantically. "I-I don't know, Draco. She's having some sort of-panic attack or something. I don't know but-"
"Find Cedric," Draco spoke over his shoulder at Pansy who raced to keep up with him. "He's a Hufflepuff. One of those stoners will have a Calming Draught. If he doesn't, he'll know someone who does."
Pansy ran off to find Cedric.
Draco raced down the hallways, nearly knocking over a dozen people as he shoved his way past everyone to get to Elysia.
Shaken to the core in fear and panic. Like being stranded in a body of water. Panic; flailing around so the water rushes into his lungs and creates further distress. The fear for what was happening to Elysia while he wasn't there made him forget to breathe. Yet, he calmly kept himself collected to remain afloat with ease-for her sake. She needed him.
When he got to her room, he froze by the door.
Hermione cried as she held Elysia, trying to get her to breathe.
Draco's entire body froze, as did his train of thoughts. All he could feel was the desperate need to burn down the entire world in order to fix Elysia-if that was the only option left.
His heart split apart, over and over again, every night as he watched her in agony. She tried to hide it and sometimes she did so very well, especially from the rest of her friends. But unlike most of them, Draco could see past it. Draco could see her struggling, desperately trying to hold on, to fight her way out of the darkness. He could see her hurting. And that killed him a little bit more each day.
Draco forced himself out of his daze as he rushed over to Hermione's side.
"Draco," Hermione exasperated, her voice pleading. "I don't-I don't know what to do."
Draco recognized the sheer panic in her eyes. He nodded reassuringly. "It's okay. Let me take care of her now, Granger."
Hermione shuffled away and let Draco take her place. Gentle and careful, he wrapped his arms around Elysia's body. Her whimpers tore into his soul, leaving him feeling shredded.
Draco was not entirely a faithful man but in this moment, he prayed to all higher powers in all the universes that Elysia's pain would miraculously vanish away. Her wounds that don't show on the body are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.
"Hey, hey," Draco's tender voice broke through the blistering upheaval of screams and dark images of memories in Elysia's mind. "I'm right here, Elysia. Listen to my voice."
Draco held her tighter and tighter until her body could stop rocking back and forth. He felt her figure trembling sufferingly in his hold.
His heart bled for her. He would do anything to take away her pain. He would do anything and everything in his power. Except, he didn't have a hint on what to do.
"Breathe with me, Elysia." His voice was soft but laced with pain of his own. "Feel my chest, feel me inhale, exhale. Breathe with me, please."
Somehow, Elysia zeroed in on Draco's words. She felt his chest moving up and down against her body as he held her. She wheezed for air as she tried to breathe with him.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
"Elysia, you are okay." Draco's voice trembled as he tried to reassure the both of them. "You're here. You're okay. I'm right here, Elysia. I won't let anything hurt you again, I promise."
Hermione sat a foot away on the floor beside them, tears waterfalling. She wanted so terribly to help but like Draco, she had not a clue on what she could possibly do. She could only watch in fear.
"You're okay." His fingers ran through her hair. "I've got you. Keep breathing."
"I-I can't." Her body shuddered, her voice rasping out in a gasp. She couldn't stop crying. Her lungs couldn't fill with enough oxygen.
Her panic attack was abrupt. Triggers, like little psychic explosions that crash through avoidance and bring the dissociated, avoided trauma to the surface; suddenly, unexpectedly, back into her consciousness.
Draco pulled her head back so he could look at her, brushing aside her hair before holding one side of her face. He peered down at her with gentle eyes that held all the comfort in the world. "You can. I'm right here, baby. I've got you."
Elysia's breaths were shallow between her sobs. "I can't-Draco, I can't. I can't-can't get out. I-I-"
There was not a more gut-wrenching sight to Draco than this right here-seeing her cry and break apart in his own arms when all she deserved was the happiness of heavens.
Her words would just turn to ashes every time they tried to leave her mouth. They started as a fire in the pit of her stomach, but came out in a puff of smoke because nothing could properly relay her inner turmoil.
She's not herself anymore. And she doesn't know how to fix it.
She doesn't even know how to try.
Shaking his head softly, he held her face in his hands. He leaned his forehead on hers, brushing her tears away with his thumbs. His touch was delicate. "You're not alone. I've got you. Let it hurt until it can't anymore. I promise, I've got you. I need you to be okay."
Elysia's eyes squeezed shut tightly as tears continued pooling out. Her wheezing breaths turned into shuddering breaths as she slowly felt her body grow more relaxed in Draco's hold. He grounded her. He made her believe she was safe despite the monsters clawing through her skin from inside her.
"Here-I got it!" Pansy came bustling into the room with Fred, George, Cedric, Luna, and Blaise on her heels. Pansy rushed over to Draco and handed him a phial filled with a Calming Draught potion.
"What's going on?" George asked, concern washing over his features.
"Is she okay?" Fred's body nearly trembled with dread.
"You didn't have to bring the whole zoo, Pansy." Draco muttered quietly before gently turning Elysia's face to face his. "Hey-open your eyes, mon coeur."
Elysia's breaths rasped.
She couldn't. She couldn't look at him. She couldn't open her eyes to be met with all the worry-ridden faces of her friends. It killed her to know she was the source of the hurt this caused them.
"Elysia," Draco sighed as he ran his hand through her hair. "Love, please open your eyes. I promise this will help you feel better. Let me help you. Please."
Elysia sniffled as she opened her eyes; heavy and swollen from the endless crying. Her vision was blurred through the glossiness.
Draco watched her eyes carefully, his own gaze soft. He tilted her head back slightly as he poured the potion into her mouth.
"There you go. You're okay." He spoke as though he were reassuring himself she was okay, just as much as he was reassuring her.
Elysia swallowed the liquid, her gaze diverting to her hands that continued trembling. She couldn't bring herself to look at her friends, it hurt her too much.
"It should work within a minute or two." Cedric spoke quietly, his expression as spooked as everyone else's.
Fred hesitated as he took a step towards her. "Is she-"
"She's okay." Draco's voice was firm, looking at Elysia as he cut Fred off.
Hermione cleared her throat as she picked herself up off the ground, brushing off her knees. "Let's-let's clear out. Give her some room to breathe, yeah?"
Hermione and the others hesitantly shuffled out of the room, almost with caution as they peered at Elysia, in a way like they were checking to make sure she was still intact; checking if she had just vanished into thin air.
Draco held her, rubbing her back; her head rested on his shoulder.
Everyone but Pansy had left. She shifted on her feet, pulling on her fingers. "Draco?" Her voice came out cracking, in a quiet whisper that was hardly heard.
Draco glanced over his shoulder. On one hand, he held the girl he loved who was broken to pieces in his arms. He desperately tried to keep her afloat. On the other hand, his best friend stood a mere few feet away, her eyes glossy, looking as if she were watching the world being split into two.
"Is Elysia going to be okay?" Pansy's voice croaked out as she bit back a sob.
Draco's expression was as shattered as hers. "She's okay, Pansy. She has to be okay. She will be, I'll make sure of it."
Pansy only nodded although, to the both of them, Draco's words only sounded like pleading affirmations being thrown into the universe, begging the world to make his statements true.
Pansy left the room, closing the door behind her.
"The Calming Draught should kick in any second now," Draco told her.
Elysia sniffled as she pulled her head back to look at Draco, her eyes red-rimmed and puffy. "I don't want to be in this room." In her mind, her room was still haunted. It was nothing more than the place Samael had taken her from. The room itself made her feel suffocating anytime she was in it.
Draco nodded as he stood up, helping her up onto her feet.
Slowly, the potion started taking its effect and rid the trembling of her bones. Her breathing evened. Her mental, emotional, and physical pain all started to float away.
"Let's go. I've got you."
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a/n: gooooood morning lovelies. I love u all, thank u for the love on this book. So much more to come hehe stay tuned