TO BE OR TO NOT BE:
STRONG-WILLED
✩
Waking up felt like stepping out of a steaming warm bath. It had been so long since I had properly slept, I forgot what it felt like to be so well rested.
I blinked my eyes open, my gaze falling onto Draco. He was already awake, looking at me with warm eyes, both of us lying on our sides to face each other.
Carefully, he reached a hand out to brush hair away from my face. "You slept."
I cracked a small smile. "I did."
Draco nodded slowly, looking at me for a long moment before sitting up and getting out of bed. "Breakfast is soon. I reckon it might be odd if you're seen coming out of my room."
I sat up in his bed, glancing down at my hands.
They're not shaking. Not right now.
"Are you-ashamed to be associated with me, Draco?" My voice came out much quieter than I anticipated.
Draco snapped his head towards me, his eyes flashing. "Stupid, you are. I can't fathom even justifying a response to what you've suggested."
I blinked, slightly taken aback by his defensiveness. I cleared my throat as I swung my legs over the bed.
I watched as he stood in front of his wardrobe, pulling out his school attire.
"Draco, why'd you do it?"
He glanced over his shoulder at me, giving me a questioning look. "Do what?"
I shrugged lightly. "Bring me here, let me sleep in your room, comfort me, help me-all of it. Why did you?"
Draco pursed his lips as he turned back to his wardrobe. "You look much less appealing when the sleep deprivation is shown all over your face, Ambrose."
I rolled my eyes, scoffing lightly. "I see you still can't admit to doing something kind for no other reason than to just be kind."
Draco turned around to face me, crossing his arms over his chest. "I don't do kind things, Elysia."
I cocked my head to the side, staring back at him evenly. "Why do you do that?"
"What have I done now?"
I shook my head, sighing as I stood up and slipped my shoes back on. "You always act as though everything you do has some self-benefiting reason behind it."
"That's because there probably is one." He spoke calmly, his voice even.
My jaw set as I met his gaze once more. "Really? Why'd you risk your life to save me, then? What did you gain from it?"
Draco paused for only a moment, a slight grimace breaking his blank expression. "Hero status, of course."
I shook my head as I took a step towards him. "I don't believe you, Draco." I stopped when I was standing directly in front of him, a mere few inches away. "What I do believe is that you're a good person with a good heart, who tries too hard to come off as though you're nothing but bad."
Draco's jaw clenched. He stared down at me, trying to keep his expression guarded. "Maybe I am just bad, Ambrose." His voice was low, sending a shiver through my spine.
I narrowed my eyes challengingly. "What benefit did you have in helping me last night? Allowing me to sleep in your room."
Draco clicked his tongue. "You're far more cranky when you're sleep deprived. Frankly, I was doing everyone a favour."
I laughed as I stepped away from him and headed to the door. "It's actually pathetic what a terrible liar you are." I reiterated the same words he once said to me.
He pulled his lips into a straight line, almost glaring. "I'm not. Good or lying."
I glanced at him over my shoulder just before opening the door. I cracked a small smile. "You can't hide the nature of your heart, Draco."
-
"As you know, in this class we are to learn how to defend oneself against aspects of the Dark Arts. Last time we spoke of the Imperius Curse. Today you will be learning how one can resist it."
I sunk down in my chair as I watched Snape whirl his wand in the air, every student's textbook flipping open to the pages focused on the Imperius Curse.
Hermione hesitated as she raised her hand. "I didn't think-well, how is it possible to resist one of the Unforgivable Curses?"
Snape stared at her flatly. "If you allow me to continue my lesson without interruptions, Miss Granger, perhaps you'll find out."
Hermione grimaced as she slid further down in her seat.
Snape cleared his throat before continuing. "The Imperius Curse places the victim under the caster's control but-what makes this Curse unique is that it can be resisted with exceptional strength."
"Can you resist other curses?" I sat up in my chair.
"Miss Ambrose," Snape snapped his hard gaze towards me, scowling; not impressed that I was interrupting. "I see you don't have the ability to raise your hand."
"Say-the Cruciatus Curse," I continued. "Is there a way to also resist that curse?"
The room fell silent as everyone's attention zeroed in on me. I could feel the numerous eyes burning into my skin as everyone stared.
My hands trembled in my lap, under the desk. I clenched and unclenched my fists, willing the shaking to stop.
Snape pressed his lips together, his robe flying in the air behind him as he rounded his desk to stand in front of it.
His gaze on me-it wasn't remotely cold. Impassive, but not cold.
Snape paused for a long moment. "There is no spell that can defend against it, however, there are evasive options against the Cruciatus Curse."
I leaned forward on my desk, ignoring my body lightly twitching. "Like what?"
A scream escaped my throat as I withered out on the ground, my body shrinking into a ball. The effect from the Crucio was mind-numbingly painful. The pain went on and on, never ending, until I eventually felt like my entire body would detonate into liquid matter from the pain. Death would be easier. I want to die. My body was withering on the concrete, my screams sounded in the room, the sound horrid.
My breaths became shallow, the dull sound of my screeching wails returning in my mind. My own noises, screams, terrified me. I couldn't fathom that such a fatal, ear-splitting sound could come from me.
Everyone stared at me, watching me carefully as if I was standing on a thin wire and would fall to my death at any moment. Snape looked at me as such too.
Snape's expression was equally curious and solicitous. "With a combination of powerful Shield Charms and other protective enchantments, the curse can be prevented."
I refrained from rolling my eyes. "And if you can't use those enchantments? If you can't use magic at all?"
Snape's eyes narrowed. "The spell can be dodged by hiding behind a solid object."
I exhaled sharply, closing my eyes for a moment. I couldn't tell if he were purposely trying to frustrate me. "If there is no solid object to hide behind?"
For example, say, you're chained up in an empty concrete basement.
Not that it mattered for me to know this anymore. It's not like it could help me now.
I'm here. I'm safe.
I didn't know why I was even asking these questions.
"A particularly strong-willed wizard can merely resist the pain until the spell is lifted, Miss Ambrose."
A sharp pain plunged through my chest as I leaned back in my chair, my hands spasming again and again, and again.
I laughed, hollow and humourless. "A strong enough will?"
Merlin-I wasn't strong willed enough? I broke every bone in my body, pleading myself to find anything to hold onto to dull out the pain.
I'd close my eyes and desperately try to find anything-an image of a paper cranes, a friendly face, the scenery of mountains.
I didn't know what I was mad at. Mad that I was put through this in the first place? Mad at myself for not being stronger?
Snape's eyes momentarily glinted, I'm not sure with what. Maybe it was condolence. "To do such a thing can require a certain level of exposure in time. It can be one of the most difficult tasks one would endure, Miss Ambrose."
I shook my head wearily as I slunk back in my chair. "Right. Of course."
I glanced away from Snape, only to have my eyes lock with Draco's. He peered at me with the upmost warmth in his eyes, a sorrow lingering behind.
As class ended and everyone bustled out of the room, Snape called out to me without looking up from the parchment on his desk. "Miss Ambrose, a word before you leave."
Ron gave me a questioning look, which I responded to with a shrug.
I could feel Draco's gaze on me as he slowly left the room himself.
Ambivalently, I approached the front of the room where Snape stood by his desk. He waited until the remaining students left the room before lifting his gaze to look at me.
His expression, ever so inscrutable, yet with the faintest uneasiness in his eyes. He cleared his throat. "I'd only be assuming but it is not difficult to envisage what someone like-like Samael Hadeon must have put you through. While you were there."
I shifted uncomfortably on my feet, hiding my spasming hands in the long sleeves of my rob. "Yes-well, I'm not sure why I asked so many questions in today's class."
Snape's eyes narrowed on me. "Perhaps, you find that you could have done more to extricate yourself from as much affliction."
I lifted my gaze. "It seems I could have."
Snape grimaced. "I find-you rather sell yourself short, Miss Ambrose. You've-well, you've shown incredible strength during terrible circumstances." I could easily hear how strenuous it was for Snape to say such a thing. Showing compassion came difficult to him.
I shrugged lightly, gnawing on my bottom lip. "I don't know if I would call it strength-but anyways, it doesn't make much difference knowing this now. I don't know why I asked so many questions. I'm sorry."
"For what?"
I sputtered, shaking my head unknowingly. "I-I don't know. For not being better at defending against the dark arts." I cracked a faint laugh, trying to lighten the dreary mood although there was nothing remotely humorous about this. Snape didn't even flinch.
Snape's features softened, so slight it was hardly noticeable. "Perhaps I should apologize-for not being a better teacher."
I blinked.
His words crashed on me like waves, entirely surprising and unexpected from someone as cold as Snape.
"No-it didn't matter. He took away my use of magic, there was hardly much I could do. It doesn't reflect on-well, you or your teaching."
Snape exhaled sharply, looking at me solemnly. "It does not reflect on you or your will either, Miss Ambrose." I knew he was trying to make me feel better, having sensed how weak-willed I found myself to be.
I smiled faintly. "Thank you for saying that, Professor."
Snape only nodded once, curtly. He hesitated for a moment. "How many times did he-" Snape paused, inhaling sharply. "Use the Cruciatus Curse on you?"
My body twitched involuntarily. It suddenly felt like there was something lodged in my throat. "It depended-on his mood, I suppose." I looked down at the floor. "Sometimes three or four times in a row, most days. Other days he would-he would-um-prefer to be more... hands-on. Slice at my skin or-or throttle me until I was on the verge of going unconscious." A sob lodged in my esophagus, constructing my airways. My body felt rigid and cold as tormenting images returned to my mind. "He was-he was creative with his abuse."
Snape looked to grow physically pale at my words, a haunting trepidation flashing past his eyes. It surprised me to see Severus Snape look so appalled, nearly mournful for me. "With that much Cruciatus, it's-nearly a miracle you're still mentally in-tact."
I coughed a laugh, not being able to contain it. "I suppose that's a matter of personal opinion."
Snape's face remained straight but there was an understanding in his eyes-he knew I was not as well as I tried to show.
He faltered for a moment. "Hold out your palms, Miss Ambrose."
I blinked, flustered for a moment. "I'm-I'm sorry, what?"
Snape's gaze remained impassive. "You try to hide it but you can hardly hold a textbook steady."
My face flushed but I pulled my hands out from the sleeves of my robe, holding them out palm-up.
Snape pulled out his wand, muttering quiet incantations as he traced the tip of wand along each of my fingers. I watched as a small flicker of light dotted amongst my fingers before vanished, my hands being doused in warmth.
"The Cruciatus can leave some chronic affects," he told me. "This healing should alleviate some-but it may not get rid of your tremors entirely."
I nodded slowly as he finished his healing and pulled his wand back.
"I conjecture you have another class to tend to. Be on your way before you're tardy, Miss Ambrose."
I adjusted my bag strap on my shoulder, nodding as I turned to head out of the room. When I reached the door, I turned towards Snape once more.
"Professor Snape?"
Tiredly, he looked up from his desk to meet my gaze. "What now, Miss Ambrose?"
"Thank you. You were there that day, you helped get me out and-fight Samael. Thank you. For the healing too."
Snape only nodded in response.