BAD MATCH
✩
It wasn't absurd.
It wasn't the routine of it all.
It was him.
All the things I seemed to have hated about him, all the things that got under my skin and agitated me to no end-those were all the things I had been craving since they had been gone.
When I would meet his eye in class and he would send me his arrogant smirks-I missed seeing those stupid smirks that I once wanted to slap off his face.
His taunts and insults-now I was just yearning for a single word, missing his voice even if it were cool enough to make me shiver.
He sticks in my mind like something glued down, engraved deep into my subconscious.
I hadn't realized what was right in front of me the entire time.
"It was right in front of you, Ambrose."
And not just from him, but for myself-it was right there, so close that I could have touched it if I knew to reach my arm out for it.
Like smoking a cigarette-you hate it because you know it's bad for you, you're not a good match at all, it's killing you and you're allowing it to but really, you love it so much-you love the way you hold it, the way it makes you feel, the way you have something so dear to stay attached to, you love it so much that although you're a bad match, you still light another one and smoke it anyway because even if it kills you, you've grown so addicted to it and how it makes you feel alive that you would never dare let it go.
Love became the fertile ground for hate to emerge. The intensity of love turns sour and hate is generated-hate serving as the channel of communication between us because all the other paths seem to be blocked and that same hate, preserved the closeness of our twisted relationship because, in the end, it was never hate it was fuelled by, it was love, a hidden love that we never dared to act on because there was far too much angst between us.
Here I was realizing that all along, maybe I have loved Draco.
He was the one I longed to speak to-even if it were through insults and bickering. He was the one whose eyes I would search the room to find. He was the one who stayed lingering in my mind at the end of each day.
"A little cold to be up here this late at night, isn't it?"
Fred approached me when I stood in the astronomy tower at night. I found myself hoping it would be Draco instead.
I leaned into his side, looking out at the cloud-filled sky. There wasn't a star in sight. "You knew all along-how I felt, didn't you?"
Fred stayed silent for a moment. "Beneath each 'shut up' was really an 'I love you'."
"I-I never saw it."
Fred nodded slowly. "I know. We all do." He glanced at me. "Sometimes you say you hate someone because you don't know what else to call it. Really, it's not hate. It turns out to actually be a form of love."
I laughed faintly. "More like a love that doesn't have a place to go."
Fred smiled gingerly. "And now that you've seen it for what it really is-what will you do?"
I pursed my lips, looking out at the darkness.
I have not a clue.
"We wouldn't work together, Freddie." I turned my head on his shoulder, peering at his thoughtful eyes. "We wouldn't know the first thing about how to love each other."
Fred shrugged lightly. "There's always more to learn, Lys."
I laughed breathily. "If you don't know love, someone will teach you how to hate yourself and then you'll always confuse the two. Malfoy and I-we're too deep in this hatred we've stirred up."
"There's a boy beneath that beast, waiting for you to find him."
I pulled myself off Fred, turning my body to face him. "I don't even know where I stand with him, Freddie. I hardly know how he truly feels." I shook my head wearily. "He acted like he may really like me-then proceeded to ignore me for weeks. Malfoy doesn't-he doesn't know how to love. I don't think I can ever love him the way he needs to be, either. We'll never be right for each other."
A small grin tugged on Fred's lips. "That's entirely what love is, Lys-handing someone a wand to point at you and trusting them not to Avada Kedavra you."
I raised my eyebrows, biting back a laugh. "When did you become so wise, Freddie?"
Fred winked, pulling me into his side. "When you became oblivious."
-
A week had gone by and still, no word from Draco.
I assumed this itch of mine would go away but it was only growing more persistent.
At last, I could no longer deal with the numerous questions I had-all the confusion and confliction about whether his "infatuation" was true or merely another way to mess with my head and make me look like a fool.
I sure felt like a fool, having discovered that all along I held feelings for Draco all on my own.
My brain felt like it was on the verge of shutting down entirely, no longer being able to endlessly wonder what had changed, why he had started ignoring me, why he had stopped our rapport after years.
Behind the stretch of stone wall in the dungeons, I spoke the passcode to enter the Slytherin common room-courtesy of Pansy and Blaise.
Being this late at night, the common room was mostly empty but as expected, I spotted Blaise sitting on the couch with a book in hand.
"Where's Malfoy?"
He spun around.
"Draco?" Blaise's eyebrows pulled together. "What are you doing here?"
"Where is he?" I asked again, impatient. "I need to see him. I need to talk to him."
Blaise was staring at me in a confused daze. "He-Elysia, what are you doing here?"
I gaped at him. "Blaise-I'm looking for Draco. Have you not gathered that yet?"
Blaise slowly placed his book down, standing slowly. "Maybe-maybe you can find him tomorrow."
My eyebrows pulled together, a sputtering laugh escaping my mouth. "Why are you acting so strange, Zabini? He's not asleep already, is he?"
He walked around the couch to stand in front of me. "Elysia-it is really late. Maybe you could talk to him about whatever this is tomorrow."
I blinked.
He was acting awfully on edge.
Blaise was practically turning my body towards the door, wanting me to leave. Something was up. He was hiding something.
I jerked away from him. "What is it? What aren't you telling me?"
Blaise's eyes grew panicked.
That's when I got my confirmation that he was indeed hiding something-I just had not a clue what.
I crossed my arms over my chest, growing frustrated. He was my friend, why on Merlin would he hide something? "What is going on?"
Blaise had given it away when his eyes darted towards the the door further back in the room. He had only glanced for a split second but I had caught it-enough for me to know that whatever he was hiding, laid just behind that door.
I quickly darted towards the door.
It led to a supply closet-which is what made it was all the more strange.
Blaise was quick to dash towards me, grabbing my arm to stop me. "Elysia, don't."
I snapped towards him, pulling my arm free. "What is it, Blaise? Tell me."
Blaise snapped his mouth shut. A look of guilt flashed past his eyes.
"Zabini!"
"You don't want to see," he spoke quietly. "Trust me."
I shoved past Blaise and went towards the door, pulling out my wand. "Revelio."
With my own spun version of the Revelio charm, the door grew transparent. It could only be seen from outside, not by who-or-whatever was inside.
Daphne Greengreen was pressed against the shelves by Draco, their arms tangled around each other as they kissed each other furiously, not taking a second to breath. They were all over each other, their bodies melting together, their lips dancing against one others.
My hand fell to my side, my wand nearly falling out of my hand.
All the wind knocked out of my body. I felt like my legs could give out from under me.
It was strange-and something I was not expecting to feel.
This feeling-like my blood was being sucked dry from inside me, like my heart was slowing without that blood and unable to keep me conscious.
I had never felt something like this before.
It hurt.
It hurt so much. So painfully.
I slowly backed away from the door.
"Elysi-"
I flinched away from Blaise as he reached out.
"I-I have to go." I spun around, frantically shaking my head as I rushed towards the door to leave the common room. The walls felt like they were closing in on me, the room growing smaller and smaller.
"Elysia-wait!"
My vision was starting to blur with tears.
"Merlin, I'm going to kill him." Blaise gritted his teeth as he quickly followed after me. "Elysia, please wait."
I rushed out of the common room when Blaise caught my arm. "Elysia," he scanned my face carefully before sighing. As he had anticipated, I was hurt by the sight I saw.
I shook my head slowly. "I-I don't know why I'm-I'm hurt. He's not-he's not even mine. He's-he's allowed to shag whoever he wants, do whatever he wants, I-"
Blaise wrapped his arms around me, holding me as I silently cried into his chest. Tears were free-falling, a waterfall soaking Blaise's sweatshirt.
I was an absolute fool.
I had no reason to be this upset-I wasn't even sure why I was.
It just-it didn't make sense to me. Why he had spent all those weeks trying to get me to admit having feelings for him, constantly telling me he wanted me, just to forget my existence and fall back into Daphne Greengrass's arms.
I sniffled as I pulled away from Blaise, inhaling deeply. "I'm sorry. I-"
"Don't apologize," Blaise's eyes held mountains of sympathy. He brushed my hair out of my face. "Let's get you to your room, yeah?"
I nodded and allowed Blaise to guide me through the dungeons and hallways, back to my room.
He walked me inside, sitting me down on my bed.
I stared down at my hands that were slightly trembling. I would have never imagined it could be possible for this to hurt so much. It was taking me for a surprise so great, I felt like I were in a tornado.
"He's an idiot." Blaise spoke quietly.
I laughed faintly, still looking down at my hands. "I'm not even surprised. I don't know what I had expected."
Blaise stayed silent for a moment. "He-he isn't a bad guy, Elysia."
I scoffed, meeting Blaise's eyes. "He's not a good guy either."
Blaise bit back a frown. He wrapped an arm around me, pulling me into his side. "I'm sorry he hurt you."
I shut my eyes, exhaling deeply. "Don't apologize for him being an arse, Blaise."
"He's a bloody fool," Blaise muttered quietly into my hair. He sounded like he were talking more to himself than me. "Wanker, he is."
I pulled myself away from him. "Constantly, consistently, continuously."
Blaise cracked a small smile. "Get some sleep, yeah?"
I nodded as I watched him stand.
Blaise leaned over, kissing the top of my head. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
-
Draco
✩
My hands travelled up and down Daphne's sides as she tugged on the sweatshirt I wore, pulling me closer into her.
I kissed her hungrily, needing to feel something.
I needed to stop thinking about her.
Ignoring Elysia for the past weeks had proven to be the hardest thing I have ever done. I was tired of the endless nights I spent lying awake with her on my mind. I needed something else, someone else, a distraction.
Daphne Greengrass practically offered herself as one on a silver platter.
I need to stay away from Elysia, I knew that. It was only fair.
She believed that I could never more than hate her. I hurt her-over the years, all the stupidly cruel things I had said, my harsh words and tone. I was doing nothing but hurting her.
When I tried to confess my feelings, she thought I was messing with her.
Of course she would think as such-it was all I had ever done.
I didn't want to push and pull her along, I didn't want to confuse her, mess with her head, hurt her. Hurting her was the only thing I was capable of doing and I needed to stop-the only way to do so was to simply stop everything to do with her.
She was free from my hold on her.
It killed me.
Daphne tugged on my hair, a groan escaping the back of her throat. Her lips moved against mine, her body grinding, her back arched, her hands roaming all over my body-and I felt nothing at all.
I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, pulling away from her. A sharp and rigid exhale left my mouth.
This isn't working.
Daphne frowned, her hand holding one side of my face. "What's wrong, Draco?"
I took her hand, pulling it away from my face. "I-I can't do this."
She blinked. "What?"
I avoided her gaze, my jaw clenching. "I don't want to fuck you anymore, Daphne."
Daphne's mouth fell open as she stared at me, horrified. She snarled, standing up straight and fixing her robe. "Fuck you, Draco-go to hell!"
Her face was glowing bright red, her body trembling with rage as she shoved me away from her and left the supply closet we had been occupying.
I exhaled slowly, leaning against the wall to compose myself.
I infect everything I encompass.
Elysia is better off without me. I'm doing her a favour.
She deserves the world's highest mountains, each star in the sky along with the unreachable galaxy-I was nothing. Nothing at all. Hollow ice.
I took a moment before fixing my hair and leaving the supply closet.
I halted when I saw Blaise quietly entering the common room. It was late, past curfew-where could he have been?
"Blaise. Late night shag, was it?"
Blaise's head snapped up, his entire body going rigid. "Draco," he cleared his throat, slowly closing the door behind him. "You-I was just grabbing my book."
My eyebrows pulled together as I approached him. He was acting strangely on edge. "Where were you? It's rather late."
Blaise avoided my gaze. "I was just-a late night stroll. I wanted to clear my mind."
I eyed him suspiciously. I had known him for far too long, long enough to know he was lying to me-it only made me more curious. "It's embarrassing what a poor liar you are as a Slytherin." I laughed. "Where was it you were, really?"
Blaise looked anywhere else to not meet my eyes. He looked like a caged animal desperately looking for an escape.
My face fell.
If he was this reluctant to tell me where he was, it only meant one thing.
"You were with her."
He met my eyes, finally. His face flushed. "It's not what it looks like-"
"What the fuck, Blaise." I stepped away from him, my fists balling up. I was holding onto every restraint in my soul to stop myself from punching him square in the face.
"Draco-it's not like that-"
"Of all people," I spat. I was starting to see red. "Her. It had to be her?"
I had no right to be mad at all. She wasn't mine, I didn't own her.
But Blaise-he was my best friend who's known for years how I feel about her.
I nearly lost my head when he had started crushing on her this year, when he wanted to ask her to the Yule Ball. He was an absolute idiot for just considering it.
"Fuck you, Zabini." I shoved past his shoulder.
"Draco, nothing-"
I slammed the common room door behind me, loud, as I left.
I didn't sleep a blink at night. Whether it was from anger, rage, jealousy, hatred at myself-I didn't sleep for even a minute.
The next morning, when I stepped into the Great Hall, my eyes fell on her. I didn't need to even be trying to look for her to find her-like magnets. I would just sense her.
She was sitting alone, her friends not having arrived yet, stirring her oatmeal with a spoon. I could see it on her face-something was on her mind. I didn't know what. I wanted to know what. I wanted to know every thought that crossed her mind, every feeling she had, every detail about the things she liked and disliked, the in-depth thoughts on the latest book she had read-all of it, just to hear her voice, know her thoughts, see her eyes light up when she spoke about something she was passionate about.
It was my fault really. If I had gone about things differently, maybe the relationship the two of us had all these years would be so much different than the way it was.
I could have been her friend instead of the boy she hates.
Something urged me to walk towards her.
After weeks of ignoring her, I could no longer stay away.
She pulled me in like a magnet, with such gravity, waves crashing around inside me, churning into storms and tsunamis. I couldn't stay away any longer.
I had not a clue what I would say to her, if I could even manage to say anything at all.
"Let it go, Draco."
I turned around. "Luna?"
Luna shook her head softly, her eyes sympathetic. "Don't. Don't walk up to her if you'll only end up hurting her again."
My eyebrows pulled together. "What are you talking about?"
"Blaise told me," she spoke softly.
My fists balled up. "I don't want a hear a thing about Zabini." I turned away from Luna.
"She saw you. with Daphne."
I froze.
"She came to see you and saw you with Daphne. That's why Blaise was with her-nothing happened between them."
I slowly turned back around to look at Luna, desperately hoping to find anything on her face that would tell me she was lying. "No."
Luna offered me a kind smile, one that was surely meant to be comforting. "All this time you've spent ignoring her, you've been hurting her. You've hurt her quite enough so just-don't approach her if you'll hurt her again."
Luna offered me a small smile before turning and heading away.
She was right.
I was right.
All I could ever do was hurt her.
During first year, Professor Charity Burbage had asked "what is home?" during one of her muggle studies lesson. I couldn't remember what the point she was trying to get across was.
I was confused as hell by the question but what could I have done? I was just a kid so, I gave her nothing but silence. She told me to ask my parents the next time I wrote to them.
I never wrote to my father, only my mother.
Home was always... complicated for me. I remembered growing up in the manor with nothing but the company of house elves whom my father was terribly cruel to. I hated when I had dinner with my parents-I could never look my father in the eye. He always had something to critique, something to yell at me for, something to be disappointed in.
My mother-she was an angel. Always had been. Sometimes I would sit outside in the courtyard with a book, simply to watch her garden. She had always loved gardening. Her eyes would light up. She would tell me all about the different plants and flowers she was growing-which frankly, I could care less about but it was something she loved which was enough to hold my interest. I liked hearing her talk.
When I wrote to my mother and told her about the stupidly ridiculous question Burbage had asked, my mother responded by asking me what my definition of home was.
I told her, it was where we sleep, where we eat, where we go back to after a long day or a year at Hogwarts.
I was wrong.
I could hear her heavenly laugh in my howler as she told me that was not a home, it was merely a house.
I suppose I had mostly grown up in a house then.
Years went by, arguments were yelled, tears were shed, but that damn question never left my mind.
Until I realized-
It was her.
My eyes connected with her beautiful blue ones from across the Great Hall. I found my heart thumping against my chest-causing me great confusion.
Home is where we feel safe.
The only thing that made my house a home was my mother.
And I had never felt that feeling with anyone else but Elysia.
She could slap me in the face, scream at me for what an arse I am but I would just stare at her mesmerized. Touching her was warm and familiar. Being around her was safe. Seeing her, talking to her-even if it were a daily argument, it felt serene just knowing it was with her.
Home is where we will always belong.
And I belong to her.
She is my home.
And I can no longer go home, for it is the only way to ensure that I do not cause my own home to crumble.