Chapter 49: Choice
Di Jiufeng fainted, and the next time she awoke, she was in the cabin of a ship. Ning Guang sat by her side, her gaze piercing through the candlelight to fall on the swaying curtains.
Ning Guang was thinking about something, both wandering hesitation and deep self-recrimination in her gaze. Her fists were clenched, nails embedded deep into her palms, using so much force that her arms were visibly trembling.
There was something off about Ning Guang, she had not even noticed that Di Jiufeng was awake.
Seeing her disciple in this state, Di Jiufeng slowly covered her hand with her own. “Ning Guang, what’s up with you?” She pried open her clenched fists, lightly stroking the marks on her palms with the pads of her own fingers.
Ning Guang finally came back to her senses. Rattled, she turned and helped her up. “A-Feng, you’re awake, do you feel any discomfort?” Ning Guang asked considerately, gaze locked securely on Di Jiufeng’s face.
She avoided Di Jiufeng’s gaze, eyes roving back and forth over her nose and chin.
Di Jiufeng looked at her, then said slowly, “I am alright, just a bit tired, perhaps my earlier wounds had not completely healed. You do not need to worry, I am alright.” She paused, then placed a hand on Ning Guang’s jaw. She pulled, forcing Ning Guang to look up at her.
“What are you hiding from me? Ning Guang, did something happen?”
They had lived together for so long. Even if she didn’t say anything, Di Jiufeng could see that something was wrong with Ning Guang. She had never been so evasive before. She always pressed onward as if nothing was before her, nothing could make her retreat, and nothing could make her afraid. Seeing her in this state really was too unusual.
Di Jiufeng could see that something was wrong, but Ning Guang refused to admit it.
She closed her eyes, and when she opened them again, all of the evasiveness had melted away.
“A-Feng, I am not hiding anything from you, I was just worried because I saw you were unwell.” She had a gentle smile on her lips, just as adoring as usual. Nothing seemed to be wrong, but Di Jiufeng still felt that she had changed. She couldn’t say what exactly it was, she only felt that she was a few parts too frantic.
“Ning Guang, don’t hide things from me…”
“I am not hiding anything from you, I have nothing to hide from you.” Her reaction couldn’t be any more normal, Di Jiufeng couldn’t find anything strange. But the more normal Ning Guang seemed, the more anxious Di Jiufeng became. The anxiety felt like a physical thing, crashing against her temples.
She felt a bit nauseous. The complexion which had only just improved gradually grew pale.
“Ning Guang, I am a bit seasick, help me outside for a walk. I want to feel the breeze.” Her chest was very stuffy, leaving her no energy to pick at Ning Guang’s oddities. She reached out to take Ning Guang’s arm, putting half her weight on the other.
Ning Guang, afraid she would not be able to walk, picked her up entirely and walked outside.
Night had already fallen. Cold wind whispered by, and other than a few dim stars, there was not a wisp of light in the darkened sky. Ning Guang carried her over to sit at the bow of the ship. Looking out from there, the dark and silent sea was like a man-eating beast. After looking for a while, Di Jiufeng began to feel a bit afraid of this unexplored dark.
Her heart suddenly trembled, and she shivered in fear.
“Ning Guang, don’t sit that far forward, what if you fall?”
Ning Guang paused, stayed silent for a long while, then responded with a question, “A-Feng, are you so afraid of death? I never realized.”
“Humph, why can’t I be afraid of death, isn’t it good to be able to live?” She grabbed Ning Guang’s sleeve and swung it back and forth, asking her to move back.
But for some reason, the ever-obedient Ning Guang did not move back, and instead scooted forwards. The pupils hid deep behind her eyelashes held an apocalyptic kind of frenzy. “A-Feng, you cannot fear death. I am the ancient witch. If you stay with me, you will never be at peace, would you blame me? A-Feng, if one day, you die because of me, would you blame me?!”
She learned forwards, pressing Di Jiufeng to the deck. Her slender neck was pressed to the edge of the ship, like it would be severed with just a slight push.
Ning Guang stared at her intensely. She could not say what she was feeling.
She wanted to protect her shifu, wanted to give her everything in this world. But fate played its games, and the identity which could give her power was also a legendary poison which would chase everyone away from her. Ning Guang held Di Jiufeng down by the shoulders, an uncontrollable frenzy in her eyes. She was not a compassionate person. She did not love this world, did not love all its people, she only loved her shifu.
––She was the starlight in the Mohe’s endless night, the softness which let her walk this road alone without falling into corruption.
“A-Feng, if my being the ancient witch would cause you to die, would you leave me? Would you abandon me?”
Di Jiufeng stroked her face, expression as gentle as water. “What about you? If I die, would you come with me?”
Without a wisp of hesitation, Ning Guang said steadily, “Of course I would. If you die, how could I live on alone?”
“Then what are you worrying about? We will always be together, in life or in death. What do you have to fear?”
Di Jiufeng smiled, slowly wrapped her arms around Ning Guang’s neck, and said, “I am afraid of death, but I am more afraid of you leaving me. In this place, I don’t have a single loved one, I only have you. Ning Guang, I only have you.”
Warm breaths spilled over Ning Guang’s neck, making her long-suspended heart slowly sink back to solid ground.
She hauled Di Jiufeng back up and pressed her tightly into her embrace. “A-Feng, A-Feng, it’s all my fault. I knew my demonic energy would harm you, I should have left, but I couldn’t do it. Even seeing you languish like this, I cannot leave. A-Feng, I am too selfish, but I cannot let you go, I cannot…” She kept a death grip on Di Jiufeng’s shoulders, holding on so tight her arms began to tremble.
Even if leaving was the best choice for Di Jiufeng, how could she let go? She was so selfish and heartless. Even if she dragged Di Jiufeng to death with her, she could not bear to spend a day alone.
As the ancient witch’s power awoke, sooner or later the demonic energy in Ning Guang’s body would take Di Jiufeng’s life.
She had fainted that evening because of the demonic energy’s corrosion.
As a member of the witch tribe that could commune with spirits, the closer she was to something, the more power she had over its spirit. Ning Guang cared about Di Jiufeng too much, that was why her demonic energy would erode her spiritual body so quickly. But what could she have done? Emotions were never under one’s control. Her love was already so deep that she could never tear her eyes, nor her heart, away from her form.
Di Jiufeng sat in Ning Guang’s arms, seeking shelter from the lonesome night. The salty ocean wind swept up her long hair, making it flutter in the cold air.
Di Jiufeng knew that as the protagonist of the main plotline, Ning Guang could not die.
But her? She was the host of the reformation system, was she also guaranteed to live on? Di Jiufeng had to ask. She called up the System for an interrogation.
The System started, then lowered its head. “Honorable host, you are a transmigrator. Do you know why you did not transmigrate into Ji Liuran, but a nobody cannon fodder?”
Di Jiufeng shook her head, as her heart suddenly clutched in her chest.
“It was because if you are not able to reform the ancient witch, the program will immediately eliminate you and find another host. If you transmigrated into the female supporting character, even if you were unable to complete the mission, the System could not select another host. The entire mission would not be able to continue.
Honorable host, do you understand?
The program can eliminate you, so other things can as well. You would die, and my awareness would be reconstructed. We are not irreplaceable, we are only the most insignificant link in the program setup.”
Having been selected to transmigrate, Di Jiufeng thought that she was at least special, she should have some sort of life insurance.
But now she finally found out that not only was she not special, she was only a dispensable substitute.
Di Jiufeng laughed in anger, and asked the System maliciously, “Since you knew, why didn’t you tell me earlier!”
The System shook, prostrated itself on the ground, and said, “Before, I was controlled by the program, there were some things I could not reveal to you. Afterwards, I could hack the program, but this matter did not come to mind. Honorable host, I am too stupid, I am useless, please do not throw me away.”
The System collapsed on the ground, wailing. Di Jiufeng looked at it for a while, exceedingly annoyed.
“I’m going to die! And you’re still in the mood to cry? If you have the time to cry, hurry up and think of something for me!”
The System flipped to its feet, propped its chin up with its hand and said, “I know honorable host wants to live a long life with the ancient witch, relying on each other, so I have already thought for you. I scanned the program’s database and discovered at item called the reincarnation pill. If you can acquire it, honorable host will not need to fear death.”
Di Jiufeng pursed her lips and said, irritated, “You say that, but do you know how many reincarnation pills there are? Where you can find them? How many times am I going to die?”
The System started, its entire chip frozen stiff. “I-I-I, I do not know, I had not thought in that much detail…”
“Then go and see.” Di Jiufeng waved her hand to chase away the System, then raised her head and looked attentively at Ning Guang.
She said she did not fear death, but she was lying. She only said so to calm Ning Guang’s heart. It wasn’t like she didn’t know how cruel her disciple could be. She did not have a merciful heart, and love would not set her free. Her Ning Guang always had the burning resolve to live and die together.
She knew that Ning Guang would never choose to leave, and she did not want Ning Guang to leave.
When she thought she had protection, she thought everything would be so carefree. She would not die, and Ning Guang would not either. They would live a long life together, relying on each other, entangled together for a lifetime. But now, she suddenly discovered that her ‘protection’ was only her own false assumption. She was not protected by the Heavenly Way. She was only a dispensable role.
Then, did she regret it?
She did not. Even knowing she would die, even knowing there was only a sparse chance she could live on, Di Jiufeng did not regret. She did not fear death, she was all alone in both of her lives, she had no ties to the world other than Ning Guang.
But knowing that the time they had left was so short, Di Jiufeng felt a bit sour at heart.
She grabbed Ning Guang’s hand, forcing down the surging tides of her emotions. “Ning Guang, I thought we could be together for a long time, I never thought it would be cut short so soon. I wanted to live in seclusion with you, plant a mountain full of fruit trees with you. I wanted to raise a child with you and give everything we were able to gain, everything we were not, to her, I wanted to walk with you forever, but… but…”
Uncontrollable sobs rose up in her throat, and she twisted her hands in Ning Guang’s robes.
Di Jiufeng could not speak anymore. She could only mutter over and over, “Too short, really too short…” in a muffled voice, full of the helplessness of separation.