mourn;
At first, I tried my hardest to convince myself that he was going to be okay. That he was alive, and only hurt.
But he was already gone. How naive I was, he had already stopped breathing, and his frail heart had already given up on beating.
Everything feels surreal, am I in a dream?
Is this reality tainted, or is it the unfortunate fate that my life has fallen into?
The ministry of magic has taken Abraxas' body and forbidden anyone from its visuals. No one can seem to figure out why, but I don't need to see it again.
His pale, lifeless face, is all I have in my thoughts. Its after-image has been engraved into the back of my skull, I can't seem to forget the bitterness of it all. That look he gave me as he realized we were going to depart, and never see each other in this lifetime again.
His parted lips, lifeless eyes that were focused on something in the distance, waning breaths, were the very image of him that was always lurking in the back of my thoughts. It was a curse I couldn't be rid of.
He never could take the right things seriously, he took his last breaths with a grin nooked in the corners of his mouth.
Along with the guilt I carried on my shoulders, I could barely take it. The dwelling guilt I had for not doing more to help, and the guilt of Katherine.
Abraxas was her brother. Her brother.
Although my terrible and nonexistent relationship with my brother, I know that we aren't the same people. I know how horrid it's going to be for her.
I don't know how to let go. Does it ever get better? I can't live with these chains of guilt and shame anymore.
The pain doesn't feel mental anymore, it feels physical. It's in my eyes, in my chest, in my thin body. The ache of heartbreak is all over me, there's just an empty hole in my chest where my heart used to be.
My drought and sore eyes peeled open slowly, waiting for headmaster Dippet to speak. I wanted to cry, but I physically couldn't anymore. My throat was dry, my eyes were sore, and my head was ready to combust.
Headmaster Dippet swallowed thickly, a knot in his throat as he glared at all the curious and eager people who sat before him.
He frowned as he spoke calmly, "As you all may know, A tragic incident has occurred." He paused, listening to all the whispers that filled the room, "Abraxas Malfoy was a bright and welcoming young man, whose time with us was cut short too early. He aspired to be an Auror, and always wanted to make the wizarding world a better place. The details of his passing have been decided to keep private by his family, and we ask that you respect that. Abraxas Malfoy's passing-"
a ghastly wail ruptured from the corner of the wide room, making heads turn. The wailing continued, only quieter, as it echoed almost whimsically across the whole room. It gave me goosebumps.
Headmaster Dippet coughed loudly before continuing, "will not be in vain. We understand that with this tragic incident, we all must take time to mourn. Classes will be held until further notice."
Cries and sobs filled the room. Abraxas Malfoy was loved amongst many, and now we'd never be blessed in his presence once more. I decided to wait for students to clear out so I could speak to Headmaster Dippet alone and in solace.
I did just that, and eventually, all the students had gone. As he realized that, he kept a suspecting eye on me. I looked up at him, who was now walking towards me.
"Ah, Miss Kane. How might I help you?" his voice was dull, as he tried to appear welcoming.
"Is nothing going to be done about our safety, I mean, what if his perpetrator tries to strike again?" I spoke slowly, thinking about my words and how I could avoid certain phrases.
"Perpetrator?" he asked, concern in his voice.
"Yes, the ministry questioned me about it. It's true, this wasn't an accident." I said, a hint of passive aggressiveness already lurking in my tone as I lost my patience.
"I'm sending my condolences to you, Elizabeth. This was an accident." he tries to reassure me, but I am anything but reassured.
"An accident? No, he was beaten. That's not an accident." I almost yelled at him, my jaw hung open.
"You may leave now." Headmaster Dippet spoke softly, gesturing towards the door.
This isn't right, this is wrong. Someone is covering up his death in deceit, Abraxas has gone in vain.
"This isn't fair." I shook my head, my lip curling as a bitter taste was in my mouth.
"I can't help you," he came in closer to me, "but perhaps Dumbledore could." his voice was low, and secretiveness fell through the cracks.
We stared at each other for a moment, and something finally registered for me. Of course, Dumbledore knew something, he always has a few tricks up his sleeve. I nod my head and thank him silently. I decided not to visit Dumbledore - I didn't have the patience.
I walk away, motivated to change things for the better.
-
I slam open the wooden door that lead to our dorm, expecting Tom, and found him nowhere in plain sight. The wood and the wall being slammed into each other made a loud bang.
Heads turned; it was Kiara and Katherine. I glare at them with shame in my hues, a frown praising my face.
Katherine was mourning the loss of her brother, wild tears streaming down her face and rolling onto the ground. As was Kiara, though the two of them were never close, Abraxas was a dear friend of hers. Kiara was comforting Katherine in a way I never could because all I'd do is cry with her. And what help is that?
Their tears are my tears.
Watching my two beloved best friends so distraught and heartbroken, was a pain I couldn't understand. If I could take all their pain away, I would.
Just for them.
I couldn't watch them hurt anymore - I ran into the girl's bathroom and locked myself in a stall. I prop myself up onto the wall and hug my knees.
It should've been me.
He never got to tell me he loved me, did he ever actually love me?
I wept into my hands until they were soaked in my salty tears, and my head felt so heavy that it might've rolled right off. I hiccuped, choking on my own tears. My eyes felt like they'd fall out if I cried any longer.
"what am I supposed to do without you?" I asked no one in particular, but a boy who no longer existed.
He was but a ghost now, a memory of what should've been.
I sobbed carelessly for hours until I heard the bathroom door swing open. The bang echoed across the entire room, and I placed my hand over my mouth to conceal my cries.
"Shall I go through with my plan, then?" An unexpected voice beckoned.
I suddenly smiled, immediately recognizing the voice that I was so used to hearing. By now, his usually cold voice was a familiar sound.
No other boy I'd met before ever hung out in the girl's bathroom, he was odd. But, just the right amount of odd.
Peculiar boy, and even more peculiar girl.
"how do you suppose that got there?" he spoke to no one I could hear, as I continued listening in to his conversation with a ghost.
His intimidating voice came to an abrupt halt, and I wondered if perhaps he knew that I was there now.
"Tom?" I called out, my body slicked off against the wall slowly. I opened the stall door and found him standing there, already facing me.
"Who were you talking to?" I blinked.
There was no emotion behind his eyes, as he kept staring at me with the same lifeless glare, "Get out." He finally broke the impending hiatus of silence.
"Is that all you have to say to me?" I frowned, my arms swinging back and forth lightly, as tears tempted me.
"Yes." he looked me dead in the eye, and I didn't catch a lie in his hues.
The knot in my throat grew, and it was hard to breathe as I shut my eyes tightly.
I lost the battle with my tears, "I never knew you could be so heartless."
He shrugged, and it enraged me how careless he was towards my feelings. My eyes peeled open. I stormed up to him, my hand flying towards his cheek. He jerked backward, catching my wrist and holding it tightly in his clutch. I looked him in the eye, everything inside me crushing.
"Let go of me," I spoke through gritted teeth, as more stray tears meshed from my eyes.
He didn't say a word, only clenching his jaw.
"I hate you." I tried my best to stop the tears, not wanting to give him the satisfaction, but eventually, I caved into the odd comfort. The tears just kept coming, and I used my other hand to strike him again, of course, he caught it just like the last time.
"Stop." he directed me, his jaw clenched.
I felt so exhausted that I eventually gave up on it, and began breaking down and sobbing. I fell down to his feet, while he still held my wrists in his hands. He pulled me up by my wrists, and I tried hitting him again while still breaking down in tears.
He then reluctantly pulled me into a hug, his hands still wrapped around my wrists. His body wrapped around mine, to restrict me from hitting him any longer, and I cried into his chest. His cold embrace was somewhat a comfort, for someone who was so alone.
With each other still in an embrace, we slowly glided down the wall; onto the ground. I was cradled in his arms, as his arms fell down at his sides. I cried into his chest, soaking his sweater.
"You'll be fine." that was his attempt at comfort, as he glanced down at me with uncertainty. His body became stiff, as he tore his eyes away from me and didn't say a word for the rest of it.