Trying to do faster updates bc I wanna finish editing this book done so I can move on to publishing new books! Hope y'all enjoy!
•••
Headlines were everywhere about him.
GOD OF LIES, LOKI LAUFEYSON, PROVEN NOT GUILTY FOR HIS CRIMES
LOKI RELEASED ON THE STREETS, ARE WE SAFE?
ALIEN GOD THAT DESTROYED NYC YEARS AGO- CHARGES DISMISSED
THOR'S BROTHER - IS HE ACTUALLY INNOCENT?
LOKI CLAIMS BRAIN WASHING - WAS THANOS REALLY RESPONSIBLE?
Some articles were hopeful, most were horrible, but that was understandable. It was difficult to share the whole story with the world, and even if they could, not everyone believed it. The team did their best to hide news reports and articles about Loki from him, but they could only do so much.
Loki's eyes flickered across the screen as he watched the angry protestors in the streets, wanting him to be locked up forever.
"He thinks he gets to live in peace? After everything he's done?" The camera zoomed in on a woman, screaming to the crowd.
He stared at the screen with desperate eyes as the camera cut to a different man, this time he yelled at the camera, as if he were talking to Loki directly. "And you say you're sorry!? So are the people you killed who didn't get to live their lives and the families you stole them from! My daughter was one of them!"
"I - I know." Loki said to no one, really. Gosh, he knew. The shame overwhelmed him, panicky and twisting like it always did, rising in his throat like vomit. His hands shook. He couldn't make that better. He could never make that better. "I know."
Summer nearly gasped when she found him on the couch, staring blankly at the tv. She snatched the remote off the table and immediately turned the tv off. She wasn't exactly sure what to do next, she hadn't talked to Loki much since his return. She kept her distance from him, but she's never seen him so.... broken.
"Loki?" She spoke softly with the best brave face she could muster. With a gentle hand on his shoulder, she asked, "can I do anything for you?"
He seemed to tap back into reality at her touch. Slowly, he turned to face her with red, blotchy eyes staring back at her. "What did you say?" He asked, slowly, like he couldn't believe the words that just came out of her mouth.
"Can I do anything for you? Is there anyway I can help you?" She repeated, hesitantly, suddenly uncomfortable under his gaze.
He eyed her. "You want to help me?"
"If I can?" She said in more of a question, confused why he was confused.
He noticed the way she shuddered. She was scared of him still, yet here she was, putting that aside to help him. It broke him.
"Why?" He exasperated and swallowed thickly. When she didn't know what to say, he continued, "why? After everything I've done to you?"
"Because.... at the end of the day, it wasn't you." She answered. Has she forgiven him completely? No. He's taken years of her life from her and changed it completely. She had to constantly remind herself it wasn't him and learn to forgive him little by little everyday. "You shouldn't watch those things, y'know."
He hummed at that. He looked.... calm? Or like he was trying to be? She knew him better than that.
"Are you angry?"
"I am angry." He said through clenched teeth and fists in tight balls as he tried to suppress his temper. "But unlike everyone else, I don't have the luxury of showing it without being called a monster. Without someone taking it as proof that I need to locked away in a dungeon to rot for the rest of my life."
"But that's human." She replied, timidly. "Everyone gets angry."
"Up until the point when you're not human." He whispered, his gaze falling to the black tv screen. She knew what Loki was. She practically knew everything about him up until now.
They sat in silence for quite some time, somehow the pair found comfort in the other's presence. Finally, she suggested, "How about we go take Siv out somewhere tomorrow? I know everyone's feeling a little stir crazy being trapped in here so long."
He thought about it a moment before he hesitantly nodded his head. "That sounds nice. Thank you, Summer."
She quirked an eyebrow at him.
"For not giving up on me when I want to give up on myself.... I know what I've done is unforgivable, but in time, I hope we can live peacefully."
She grinned softly and stood to her feet. "Me too."
••• a few days later •••
Today, Summer was a rollercoaster of emotions. It was an off day for her, she had them every so often for no particular reason. Well, she did have a nightmare, but she had those almost every night. It was just part of her healing. Sometimes, she just had low days. She was more jumpy today and quiet. It didn't go unnoticed by the others.
"Summer?"
She winced and clutched the counter in front of her to compose herself. "Hmm?"
"Are you alright?" Loki asked, hesitantly.
She released a shaky breath and picked up her glass of water in her hands, gripping it a little tighter. "Yep." That was believable....
He shook his head and came a little closer. He noticed she tensed but didn't voice it. "You sat with me the other day and helped me. Let me help you."
But he's the one that caused her nightmares- a little voice in her head reminded her. "No, I'm fine. Just tired." She brushed him off.
Then she was breathing heavy, like there suddenly wasn't enough oxygen in the room. He noticed the way she trembled, her eyes wide and panicked, her heart beating a million miles an hour. He figured this was an anxiety attack.
He reached out for her, but she wasn't in the right mindset. She recoiled and flinched so hard, the glass fell from her hands and shattered into thousands of little pieces on the floor.
Immediately her eyes met Loki's before they fell back down to the glass. In that moment, she changed. She dropped to her knees and frantically picked up the shards of glass with her bare hands. She didn't even stop when Loki begged her to or when the glass pierced into her skin.
"Hey, it's okay. I'll clean it" He exasperated and tried gently guiding her away from the mess. "Just sit down. It's okay."
No response.
"Just sit down. It's okay."
She still didn't answer, frantically picking up tiny pieces of glass, hurting herself even more. She whispered things under her breath that he couldn't completely make out, but he heard enough to know they were desperate apologies and pleas of forgiveness.
Finally, he had enough. He promptly swept her off her feet, easily picking her up by the waist, and didn't put her back down until her bottom hit the cushion of a chair.
Bent down to be face to face with her, he pointed to the mess behind him. "I'm going to clean this up." With the other hand, he pointed stern finger at her. "Do not move. I mean it."
Her expression softened. "I'm so-"
"Sorry." He finished for her. "You have no need to be." He searched the closet for a broom, relieved when he found one. "You don't have to apologize for things that aren't your fault. You don't have to say sorry."
Her eyebrows furrowed together and she sat forward. "I should be the one cleaning."
His anger burned like acid- anger not directed at her, but at the situation. At whoever made her feel like everything was her fault. Whoever made her feel like she couldn't ask for help. In other words, he was mad at himself.
"Sit down, Summer." He ordered through clenched teeth.
She shrunk back against the chair, her eyes teary and blank. Her head dropped in submission as her body trembled, waiting for further demands.
He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. In that moment he realized what was happening. He needed her to snap out of it. He tried again, this time, softer. "Love, I'm not mad. It was a mistake."
She perked up a tad at his words, but still didn't move. Was he really not mad? He wasn't going to punish her?
Her gaze flickered up for a moment, but she remained quiet. He quickly cleaned the mess up and she didn't make a single sound or movement the whole time. When he finished, he grabbed the first aid kit from the cabinet and set it on the side table next to her chair.
She still wasn't back yet. She still wasn't herself. She wasn't snapped out of it and he felt awful. He didn't know what to do, so.... he hugged her.
She stiffened the moment he touched her, but he persisted and embraced her a little tighter. "I'm sorry, Summer. You didn't do anything wrong. You're safe. I'm not here to hurt you." He whispered and she swore he heard his voice break. This wasn't the first time she acted like this around him.
After a couple moments, she began to relax, and eventually hugged him back. He sighed in relief and gently held the back of her head.
His hands slid down her arms and gently took hold of her bloody ones. "I'm going to look at your hands now."
"Why?"
He released a deep breath. "Look at your hands."
Her gaze fell to her hands and she gasped. "Oh, gosh." She whispered and became rigid when she noticed some of the blood had dropped onto her clothes. "I didn't... I can clean the blood up. I've done it before."
He frowned at the statement. "I don't care about the clothes, I care about your hands. Can I...."
She nodded and watched. He set out the materials on the table and gently got to work. Piece by piece, he pulled the little shards of glass out. He was surprised there was no reaction from her, but her eyes were still slightly glazed over.
She wasn't completely back yet, he could tell by the way she still trembled. She was numb, but almost snapped out of it.
He finished after a couple minutes and cleaned and wrapped her hands. When his eyes met hers again, they looked more clear. "Are you okay?"
With a teary smile that didn't reach her eyes, she whispered, "I'm fine."
He smiled at the obvious lie. "Are you?"
Not trusting her voice anymore, she gave a weak nod instead. "Sorry." She offered, weakly.
"Don't. This is hardly your fault." He cut her off. He looked a tad angry, but she knew it wasn't directed at her. It was at himself.
"It's not yours either." She reminded him.
He shook his head and backed away from her. "I don't understand."
"Don't understand what?"
"How.... how you can be so forgiving."
Her eyes dropped to her bandaged hands in her lap as she processed what he said. "I wouldn't say forgiving. I'd say.... I'm healing. I'm getting there, and in turn, I learn to forgive you a little more each day. Now you have to learn to forgive yourself."
Truth is, Summer has had multiple low days, but they became less and less as she healed. She realized in order to get better, she had to learn the real Loki. Not the one he was forced to be for so many years.
The low days showed in many ways. Whether it was falling back into the habit of waiting for commands instead of independent thinking, or things like cuddling up to Loki out of the blue. It freaked him out the first time it happened. It was as if she went into a trance.
Summer's learned the healing process is not just a straight road. No, it's more so a rollercoaster I guess you can say. On a rollercoaster, you can be on a steady track going straight up, you're on top of the world, nothing can stop you. The ride up is slow and steady- peaceful even.
Once you make it to the top and you think things couldn't be better, you realize you made it to the top just to plummet straight down. The thing is, you go down a lot faster then when you went up.
Then there's a ton of ups and downs, twists and turns, and gosh sometimes you go upside down. It can be scary, thrilling, exhilarating even. No rollercoaster ride lasts forever. In the end of it all, you'll be glad you got on the rollercoaster of healing in the first place.
••• flashback •••
Everyone was in the kitchen, and the room was open concept, so it was open to the living room as well. Some ate on the couches, some at the table, some at the counter, but no matter where they were, everyone was together.
Summer and Siv were the last to join. The team had ordered pizza and Siv couldn't wait to eat and see her new BFF.
"There she is!" Peter exclaimed and knelt down as Siv launched herself into his arms. She laughed and squealed as he picked her up and spun her around in his arms.
Loki chuckled as he watched from the couch. It was adorable. Peter had become a brother figure to her, and it was great to see she was comfortable around everyone else besides just her parents. Then his gaze landed on Summer, and he realized she didn't have smile on her face like he expected her too. Instead, she stared at him with a blank expression.
He frowned, excused himself from the conversation he was in with his brother and a couple others, and got up to get more pizza. Summer followed him and stood by his side. He noticed she was trembling. Was she cold?
"Would you like some pizza?" He asked. "It's my first time having it. I didn't see it's appeal at first, but I understand now why everyone seems to love it so much." He said with a chuckle.
Her dull eyes met his and landed back down on the pizza. "Do.... do you want me to?"
Weird question, but he went with it. "Sure, I mean.... if you'd like some pizza, have some." He responded unsurely, but kindly. Maybe she was nervous with all the people around. "I'll be on the couch over there if you want to join us."
What did that mean? Was it a set up? Was it because so many others were around?
Hesitantly, she grabbed a paper plate and plopped a slice of pizza on it. From there, she shuffled over to where he was sat. He looked up and smiled at her- she must have done the right thing.
She sat down and cuddled against him as she ate, just like he always had her do.... but he stiffened. She stiffened herself and peeked up at him to read his expression. Did he not want her next to him? He always did. What did she do wrong?
"Oh, no." Wanda murmured and gently took hold Summer's arms to gain her attention.
No one was supposed to touch her but him. She flailed in her grip and desperately tried to get away. Wanda released her immediately and looked at Loki with an expression that basically said, 'do something.'
Summer threw herself against him and wrapped her arms around him so tightly, it almost hurt. She blubbered out apologies, her pizza long forgotten.
Loki froze in that moment, not sure why to do at first, even though everyone in the room looked at him expectantly. So, he just let her hug him. He murmured words of comfort in her ear, promising he wouldn't hurt her. Removing her from him wasn't an option, it just seemed to upset her more.
After a few minutes, her eyes seemed more clear and her trembling ceased. She blinked a couple of times and slowly sat back as if she had no idea why she was cuddled up against Loki in the first place. Then she noticed all the other eyes in the room watching, and it dawned on her what must of happened.
She opened her mouth to apologize, embarrassed, but Loki shook his head. "It's okay, Summer. We were just about to dig into our pizza."
She gazed at him confused, and she realized he was trying to change the conversation for her so she wouldn't dwell on it. She managed a small smile- a silent thank you, and took a bite of her pizza.
• end of flashback •
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Didn't know how to end this chapter 😅 But I hope you enjoyed!!