hell or flying | Chaelisa

Chapter 7

No, Lisa was different, and her hurt was entirely different from Jennie's or Jisoo's. It couldn't compare. And I didn't have to talk to her to know that. During the time we've spent together, she became a part of me I was always conscious of. It was as if a red thread joined us, connecting our hearts and our minds. We always knew what the other was feeling or thinking. We knew how to read through each other as if we were an open book, even if others failed to flip the first page.

So despite not seeing anything in her eyes at the ball, despite not feeling a single thing she was, because on the night I left her I also severed the read thread joining us together, I knew I hurt her. I knew I hurt her beyond imagination. And I was sure of that because I was hurting too. Just like hers, my worst nightmare was losing the then blonde girl. That's probably why each time I've woken up, I found her shirt balled up in my fist as I clung onto it for dear life. Because there really was not a time where I wanted to get through life without her.

But who was I kidding? Even if I got the chance to talk to her, to explain why I've done the things I did, I wouldn't. I was never good with words in her presence. They always hitched in my throat along with my breath that I could barely take in. As always, all I would be able to do was stare because she was just so beautiful, and now, absolutely intimidating too. In all honesty, I knew I'd be scared to speak, to even open my mouth, in fear of being cut off by an onslaught of hatred coming from her beautiful parted lips I used to kiss once. And I didn't want to witness that.

I didn't want to associate her mouth that I used to love on mine, as every time we kissed I got butterflies and my heart fluttered with anything other than that. I didn't want to think of her harsh words whenever I'd remember the softness and fullness of the pink flesh. Because her face and features in my mind were the only things no one could take away. And the only thing that kept me somewhat sane, as I imagined her by my side each time I thought I couldn't go on anymore. Losing even the sheer memory of her would be the end of me, and I wouldn't be able to handle it. I wouldn't be able to handle losing the last part of her that was mine to keep.

But then again, it wasn't like I would see her. Jennie knew better than to make us meet. Besides, even if she tried to, there was no doubt in my mind that Lisa would decline. Either her, or I would. Because I knew seeing her wouldn't end well and I couldn't bear to see her face after all those years. No, there was no way Lisa would know anything because Jennie wouldn't mention me and I wouldn't talk to her. Our fate was decided, and unfortunately, it wasn't intertwined. And just like all else, that was my fault too.

"Jennie?"

"Hm?"

"How's..." I paused as I fiddled with my fingers in my lap nervously, and took a deep breath to compose myself before I spoke, "how is she?" and this time, I looked up, meeting her gaze with my pleading eyes, knowing well I didn't deserve to hear the answer, "How's Lisa?"

I still vividly remembered her reaction after I spoke the question that was weighing on my tongue since she stepped in, knowing she was the only person who could give me any insight into the now raven-haired girl's world. She would be the only one who would know just how much the younger had to endure. Because even if Jisoo was there for her too, I knew she would probably confide in her best friend, rather than mine. Or she would talk to both. Either way, whoever she talked to, Jennie was here and I couldn't not ask. Not when she was the only thing on my mind since the moment I left her in an empty bed.

Not much else, but a sigh left her lips as I asked. It seemed like she was hoping I wouldn't. It was clear it pained her talking about the girl I once used to call mine. So I wasn't surprised when she didn't answer me straight away, rather she averted her eyes elsewhere as if I was no longer seated in the same room, and stared out the high windows onto the bustling streets of New York. No, she didn't want to talk about it, but I wouldn't back down. I wanted to know, needed to. I needed to know just how much I've hurt her, how she coped, and whether I was responsible for more than a broken heart. And of course, I was dying to know how life's been going for her now.