hell or flying | Chaelisa

Chapter 20

No, I couldn't deny it even if I tried hard to. Lisa elicited those emotions just like she has three years ago. And I was sure that it was partly, if not entirely, because they never left in the first place.

I had a lot of time to think about all these things when I got back home from her apartment. Or when I was telling it to Jisoo over the phone. Even when I was looking up at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep. And I guess now too, as my feet haven't halted in their rapid pace, walking back and forth across the room. It's like my mind didn't comprehend that even though I was walking around the living room for the past, what felt like hours but was realistically maybe fifteen minutes, the time wouldn't pass quicker.

But I couldn't help myself. The second I sent that text, and of course haven't received a reply, I was restless. There was no way I could just calmly sit down and read a book. Or play the guitar while I worked on the songs Jennie gave me. No, I couldn't do anything else but be on overdrive as the wheels in my head kept spinning, and I kept glancing at the clock as if the hour hand has moved up to the number twelve in the past five minutes, even though it's been just a little past nine the last time I checked.

The time was ticking and hours passed by. Soon when I looked at the time for what felt like at least the thousandth time, the time has actually moved up and showed that it was past eleven. And though I was usually tired, and could barely stand this late at night, I was anything but drowsy. There was no way I could feel any exhaustion when all I could hear was my heart trashing in my ribcage maniacally with each passing second.

For all I knew, Lisa could just be making her way up in the elevator. She could just be parking her bike nearby. Or she could just be back home, getting wasted and watching trashy tv shows. I did not know what she was up to, but I would wait until midnight to, possibly, find out. Because whatever the outcome would be, she just had a few minutes left as it neared midnight. And I knew that despite not really expecting her to show, I would be despondent if she didn't. Because a part of me, no matter how small, allowed itself to hope foolishly. And it set me up for disappointment.

Life wasn't a movie, no matter who the "main character" was. Life didn't work in ways books and films led us to believe. If I were to go to an airport, the one I most longed for wouldn't suddenly show up before security just as I got through, screaming my name. It wasn't full of clichés and happy endings. Life was harsh and cruel, and more often than not, there was no rainbow at the end of a storm..

So when the minute hand finally showed that it would turn midnight in five minutes, I knew she wouldn't show. Because this wasn't a plot of some trashy tv drama where she would come bursting through the door last minute. If she wanted to come, she would've been here by now. And she wasn't.

It was clear she had time until midnight. Even though I haven't stated that. I mean come on, what were we cast in the play Cinderella? But she had today. I told her I would be done if she didn't show any effort. And I guess this was my answer to the unspoken question - did she really want me to stop?

I stared at the clock, my frown deepening and the corners of my mouth falling each time the second hand shook until it shook for the last time that day. It was officially the day after, and Lisa didn't show. I was done. I didn't expect her to show, at least the bigger part of me didn't, but the small one that hoped, that one overtook my body the second the day has ended with the heartbreaking realization. She was gone. Completely out of my grasp. And I've done everything I could. She was over it. And no matter what anyone said, she didn't want me anymore.

...

An obnoxious and loud knocking at the door shook me out of my sleep. Looking around in confusion, I realized I must've fallen asleep on the couch, and I rubbed at my eyes sleepily, willing my body to move and stop the annoying sound that woke me up in the first place.