IN JUPITER IT RAINS

t w e n t y - t h r e e

"because i dropped your hand while dancing left you out there standing crestfallen on the landing" - champagne problems taylor swift

and i would've married him. that's what hurts. not because i loved him. because he loved me. an innocent love at first, blue-eyed and fingers bandaged we collected pieces of ourselves off the floor with laughter making the world vibrate orange. the giddiness of attention made my lungs struggle for air, but i knew - i knew his were filling with infatuation's helium. and it was beautiful how he listened to my voice, at night when the world was cold and quiet he turned my voice to turtle dove soliloquies. how easy life could be, i used to whisper, to let someone love you and take and take and taketaketaketake. forget the cold cups of tea they pretend to blow on to not disturb the peace, ignore the flinch in his eye when i say can't say i love you, bury hands in pockets - breathing don't touch me when his fingers touch my cheek. let him reach for my mouth and refuse to open my eyes, if i don't see him he's not here - forget the shame when you know he is staring and waiting for mine to open. where is this apathy i collected in loose change and swallowed tears? 

he made the world orange and yellow and blue and red but green green green is in my chest. if i could paint him every green i would, make him an emerald i never left. he is gypsum and micca, soft and glittering, and he stores my smiles expecting to bloom diamonds in winter. my heart is evergreen and i would say yes to his soft hands and smile. the cleft palate and broken nose. to nights listening to old classic rock and wondering about tomorrow's tomorrow. his soft snores. in another life if he had met me before i would have clung to him in the name of being wanted. gulped his love till i was drunk enough to forget how to pretend to love. in another time where green is not green that lives in my ribs, a garden of mint leaves that do not burn out. how do i face that he leaves me empty in more ways than he can fill? 

how can i love him but not. want him but not how he wants me. how do i let this guilt leave the springtime in my veins? i would've married him. we could have been happy. if i tried. if. i left that word with his open palms and angered eyes. innocent love turned caged. i could have been his dream. but i am evergreen. i used to think i deserved for love to consume me. i don't. i deserve a love that warms my skin. eyes open midkiss to see his eyelashes flutter. broken mugs with hot tea and too much honey that we drink anways. collecting furniture pieces as we discover rooms inside ourselves, trusting that if a vase moves into your heart its an offering of acceptance. hands holding onto long coats and listening to each other breathe with an openness that seeps cold air down your back to the pit of your stomach. letting the warmth in your chest spread till spring becomes winter but your chest - your chest is flowering.