Sapphire's Review Store 4.0

Review by Sunshine: My Crown

Title: My Crown

Author: iamrachelstone

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 4/5

I really like your summary! It perfectly introduces the two sides to the story – the side of Charlotte, who desperately will do anything to become queen, and then the decide of the heir prince, who must do something about this situation. I do wish you hinted more at what the biggest mistake could be so the summary is more personalised towards your story. Otherwise, I like the conflict and the paragraph at the end was especially impactful – well done!

Also, be careful of slight errors, such as:

...realise how dangerous Lady Charlotte is at time or will he end up...

Did you mean:

...realise how dangerous Lady Charlotte is in time, or will he end up...

Grammar: 3/5

I think your grammar and punctuation is pretty polished, but there are some errors scattered throughout your story that need polishing. Here are some examples:

Princes James looks extremely relieved for getting ride of the lady.

It should be:

Prince James looks extremely relieved for getting rid of the lady.

Next:

...bowing slightly at his Mother, before taking his own throne.

Mother should not be capitalised. Because you said 'his' mother, it's not treated as a proper noun. Basically, if you say 'his mother' or 'her mother' or 'my mother', you don't capitalise the m. But if you just say 'mother' without 'his/her/my', you do capitalise it. So, in that case, it should be:

...bowing slightly at his mother, before taking his own throne.

Next:

Her words make Charlotte's focus also change, passing from the throne to the said lady, who oblivious of the conversation between the two woman is happily chatting with her own friends.

The comma placement is awkward, and it should be 'women' since we're in plural terms. Consider:

Her words make Charlotte's focus also change, passing from the throne to the said lady who, oblivious to the conversation between the two women, is happily chatting with her own friends.

Next:

Real rage as Anna May's words made her made at herself and Evan.

'Made' should be 'mad.' Next, a few more spelling errors:

"People say they send one hundred solders to find their daughter..."

It should be:

"People say they sent one hundred soldiers to find their daughter..."

And:

She smiles in antecipation...

It should be anticipation. I suggest going over your story and polishing it.

Characterisation: 4/5

I think Charlotte is extremely intriguing and makes such a distinct protagonist. She has no empathy for anyone, she can be condescending and manipulative, and she is incredibly intelligent with a very sharp mind and quick wit. Even when everyone is mourning her old guard, she's already thinking ahead to that eight-year old grandson and how she can take advantage of him. I think she makes a fascinating main character, so well done!

I especially loved the juxtaposition between her and Anna May, who is very compassionate and shows a lot of warmth in her language and thoughts. I'm excited to see if they continue to grow in the same direction as they are now, or if Charlotte learns from that compassion. Just do be careful of showing instead of telling – there are some moments that you spelled out information to the reader that felt a bit too awkward and clunky. For example:

Charlotte hisses through her teeth, more and more enraged for the fact that someone like Lady Samantha managed to get the Prince's attention while she didn't.

Slow it down. Show us this moment. I like the hissing through the teeth – but have some internal monologue, perhaps, instead of having the narrator tell us exactly what she's thinking. Show it to us. Or don't even do that – by simply having her hiss through her teeth at the sight of the prince and Lady Samantha, you're already giving the reader cues to pick up her envy. Therefore, you don't need to just tell us about it – we can already gather it ourselves.

Writing Style: 4/5

I think you've done a really good job at finding a language and tone that fits your story – it feels very regal and posh, reflecting the story well. You've also employed some beautiful descriptions – I especially loved the moment in the gardens, where you showed us the green grass with flowers, the lone stone patches meandering through the bushes, the moonlight bathing it all and the soft breeze. I wish you did that more – especially throughout the castle and the scene in the ballroom or throne rooms!

Also, watch out again for showing instead of telling. For example:

Anna May seems confused, but she quickly hides her emotions, nodding in agreement.

As the reader, we can't read her mind. So show it to us – what makes her seem confused? Does she tilt her head to one side? Scrunch up her face a little? Show us how, if we were in Charlotte's position, we would know that Anna May is confused.

Plot + Originality: 4/5

I really like the start – where the motivation is very clear that she wants the prince and will do anything to do it.

Instantly, there is tension and drama which I love – there's the poisoning of the guard, followed by the drama that is Anna May accusing Charlotte, and Charlotte reassuring her it's not the case (like a true villainous who is tunning when it comes to the art of lying), with that intimate moment with Evan preceding all of that and really putting an interesting spin on things.

I am intrigued by the shift in dynamics – the power is sort of out of Charlotte's hands and is in Evan's hands, and it's driving her mad, and I think you've done a great job at employing that as a plot point because it is making her character and her ambitious nature flourish a lot.

It's hard to really score and judge a plot when we haven't gotten into the meat of it too much, but now that she's worked out what the Knoxs are hiding and trying to use it to her advantage (the moment with Anna May fake fainting to leave the throne room and kickstart her plan was hysterical), I'm excited to see what happens next!

OVERALL SCORE: 19/25

Overall, a promising story which branches away from most stories in terms of characterisation and plot. I'm exciting to see how you carry on with this! Make sure you polish up your spelling and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!