Sapphire's Review Store 4.0

Review by Lina: Look for Light

Title: Look for the Light

Author: 8Light9

Reviewer: linalagosya

Summary: 4/5

The blurb is good but a little sparse. You could maybe fit in a bit more about what kind of girl Joy is or what kinds of other issues she's dealing with. I'd suggest trying it out and seeing what fits naturally with the rest. I like the structure and what you have right now, it's just a matter of adding a wee bit!

Grammar: 4.5/5

Small typos more than anything, but overall formatting was good. A quick proofread would help, or having someone edit. I don't have any specific notes, which is a rarity!

Character Building: 3/5

Joy's character is relatable in the struggles she's going through. What happened with Tyler, dealing with potential burgeoning romance with Jack, worried about how her friends might take things. These are all very relatable to a teenager. The one thing I wanted more of was some of Joy's motivations. She would often think things or do things that I wasn't sure what her motivation was. I have some more specific notes in the plot section. But it's just something to think about. You want to make sure that Joy is having specific, unique reactions for her character and you're not just forcing her to do actions for the sake of the story.

I think maybe there are a bit too many characters. Try to think of who you can cut. Some of the earlier chapters feel like fillers, so introducing the main players earlier (like Carter) and letting us get to know them more would help. Do we need Elias? Do we need both Hannah and Gwen? Do we need Kent? Just think about who can easily be removed, and if there's anyone that could, consider it. A lot of them run together as is. Gwen and Tyler are pretty distinct, but the rest of the people kind of blend together. When Jack is mentioned later in the story I had pretty much forgotten who he was. So possibly cutting a character or two and/or spending a bit more time fleshing out the characters you have and making them more distinct from each other will go a long way.

Writing Style: 3.5/5

Overall I found the story easy to read and it flowed nicely for the most part. You did a beautiful job describing the choreography. There's a simplicity and ease to the writing that matches the YA genre well. Something to work on is working in more description and internal monologue.

There were sections in almost every chapter where you would just fall into large chunks of dialogue without any real breaks. Including body language, character movements and responses, or internal monologue, or description, it can help to break up the dialogue and flesh out the story with more detail and specificity. Consider real life, people blush, play with their hair, feel their blood pumping when they're nervous, tap their fingers, etc. Think about these characters in each scene, what they're feeling/experiencing, and how that might be reflected in their body language, behavior, or actions. For example, with Joy, you often show her feelings by just stating them. "It hurt." "I was embarrassed." Try showing that emotion or feeling through their actions, or their thoughts, or their dialogue to shake it up sometimes! "I was embarrassed" can become - "I cringed, hiding my face in my hands." Also adding in some more specific description will help us envision the setting.

Be careful of using a lot of unnecessary adverbs. For example: Ch. 2 - "I took a few gulps furiously." The adverb is awkward and unnecessary here. Gulps already implies large, quick swallows, so "furiously" is just redundant.

Be careful of stating things that are obvious/redundant or telling instead of showing. Such as ch. 3 - "You didn't tell me about your girlfriend," I said, prying into his personal life - It's obvious she's prying by the question she asked, you don't need to state that. Instead, maybe give us a bit of inner feeling or monologue, or give her an action to do! Also in ch. 3 - I could tell she was nervous to talk to me - You've already said she had a meek voice, which implies nervousness. More description of her might help show the nervousness - eyes down, stammering, etc. That way you don't have to say "she was nervous" because we'll see it for ourselves.