Sapphire's Review Store 4.0

Review by Joanna: All The Way Down

Reviewer: joanna388

Author: queenmicrosoft

Intro: (3/5)

For starters, I like the way you chose to start your story. It's not quite active, but not quite like the passive type I've seen either. It gives us some information to work with. We know something happened to her in the past, and it intrigues us to find out what exactly that was.

I did notice, however, that at some parts your sentences lack cohesion and seem more like separate sentences that you're putting together to get a point across.

Your grammar and punctuation could use some work as well but that's okay, nothing a little editing can't fix!

Plot/ Originality: (5/10)

I'd say it's a normal romance short story.

I wouldn't say cliché, because it's too short to be compared with, so I'd prefer to use the word normal because it shows something that could happen to anyone, and it's a love story between two teenagers. That's probably one of the most common tropes out there, but that's just because most have experienced it, or yearned to in their own way.

The reason why I chose to call it that and not realistic will be explained further down.

In my opinion, you could write and develop it more; that way you can really dwell on the story of London Bridge and what it was that finally made her fall.

Grammar/Punctuation: (10/20)

Honestly, you'll need to work on both here.

I've noticed that sometimes you use commas even when a pause is not needed. It's a common mistake, really, but it can mess with the flow of your story more than you can imagine.

A simple way of preventing that from happening, to an extent, would be to write down your chapter and then circle back to voice it out loud.

When you speak, you naturally pause between sentences or when you want to make a point, it can help you reduce the usage of commas by a lot, which will make the story even more enjoyable to read.

Writing style: (5/10)

One mistake that I've seen you do a lot is overusing adjectives.

I get it, they look and sound pretty, and you really want to use them all because they are essential to the character. But constantly stacking adjectives can be tiring for your readers, and they might not want to continue reading.

My point is, use them sparingly. If there's more to be said, add it to the story in another way. Prolong the chapter a little. Quality is always better than quantity.

Another thing that I wanted to mention was the way you separate your scenes and chapters.

There's a part where you change chapters while still in the middle of a dialogue. Of course, that doesn't mean doing so is bad, but in your case there was no need for it. It didn't happen for dramatic purposes, because the dialogue was normal at the time. It wasn't a cliffhanger either, like the last words someone might say right before they die, because it was just a normal chat between two people.

It'd be better if you merged them together in a single chapter, that way there will not be any meaningless interruptions.

In some cases, you also tend to explain a lot. I know, you can't be sure if the reader will catch on to the point you're trying to get across, but trust me when I say that they will.

Over-explaining everything gives us too much information that was already known, and it will only add on to all of the repeatings.

I have, however, read a few sentences and paragraphs that I really loved. And I think that if you work on it a little more, you can really create something great.

Dialogue: (5/10)

When addressing someone you need to use a comma, like so:

"Hello, London." – "Chase, I'm scared."

You were mostly correct with that, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

The part that you seemed to have the most trouble with was punctuating correctly.

Now, there wasn't all that much dialogue in your story, but it's best if you research it a bit more after this.

When your dialogue is followed by a verbal tag, (said, whispered, yelled, cried), you don't capitalize. For example:

"I know," he said.

He said, "I know."

Both are correct here, it just depends on your writing.

This rule also applies to question marks and exclamation points.

"Stop right there!" he yelled.

"Are you happy now?" she asked bitterly.

You'll need to do some research on that, but you'll get the hang of it quite easily.

Character development: (2/10)

The story isn't long enough for actual character development to occur, though I suppose the fact that London stopped running away could be an indicator.

I mostly wanted to address the lack of emotional depth.

As both a writer and a reader, I consider building your character's emotions one of the most important things when deciding to write a story.

That's what makes a reader relate to the character, and that's what makes them invest in their future enough to actually finish the story.

By only writing about what's happening outside and not in their minds, the story can easily become dull and shallow; that's not what we want.

Write about what she's feeling. The way she shivers when he touches her, or the way a single word can have her spiraling down in that depthless abyss of hate and self-pity; the way it destroyed her emotionally, completely, and the way it still does.

I remember a certain part, when we found out what happened to the parents, that I was really expecting her to act out. It could have been an emotional response, that wasn't the problem, but she barely gave any to begin with. Chase's words were pleasant to her, as he meant them to be, but I think for a matter as serious as that one, the emotions should be a little more complex.

Epilogue: (3/5)

The ending was hopeful.

They finally end up with their happily ever after, and I'm really happy for them.

I think the simile with the bridge is probably one of my favorite parts of the story, and I loved how you used it in the end.

Overall Score: (33/70)

I hope I've helped you and your writing by pointing these out, and I in no way want you to feel discouraged. All great writers started out somewhere, and you'll just need to keep in mind that you'll keep getting better from now on. I'll be happy to see more of your writing in the future, and I wanted to say a big thank you for choosing me as your reviewer!

I hope you have an amazing day!