hell or flying | Chaelisa

Chapter 5

I remembered little of what happened afterward. The room went black for a second as I lost my footing, only to be caught by the hand of my attentive husband. Yet, everything remained blurry and not just for the tears that haven't stopped falling since the moment I saw you.

Of course, Chanyeol, not knowing the reason behind my sudden change of mood, assumed it must've been because of the hormones and happiness, so he didn't question it even when I remained in my broken down state hours later. It came and went in waves, really.

Obviously, I cried the whole time on stage and had to suppress my sobs so the tears would look at least somewhat happy, instead of the cry of a broken soul. Yet, even though hours have passed since then, I couldn't stop myself from crying my eyes out some more, as my heart bled with every flashback of your face.

And when I thought it was over, that I was done wailing because about ten minutes have passed since salty droplets slid across my now hollowed cheeks, they came right back proving me I still had more tears to shed. That all those years of suppressing them were catching up to me without giving me a break longer than a few minutes.

For the first time, I was actually grateful for the baby growing inside my womb for has it not been for it, Chanyeol would grow frustrated, angry, and way too curious. And if he wanted something, he would get it. So if he decided to find out the reason for my sudden breakdown, he would. No matter how hard I would try not to. And despite it being years, I knew it wouldn't end well.

I mean, he knew I had a girlfriend before as he "oh so mercifully decided to forgive me for such a sin", and loved me despite all the horrible mistakes I've made. Yet, I don't think he would like to see me still so affected by her when I was supposed to be head over heels in love with him. I wondered if he truly thought I was, or whether he was still trying to make me fall. If the latter, he was surely doing a horrible job, and in the case of the former, then he must've been the most oblivious, narcissistic person I knew.

Naturally, the cameras ate it up. Thankfully. Because the second my first tear fell, the flashes returned in full vigor and an even faster frequency than before, as if each new tear deserved a new picture from each angle. Have it not been for the state I was in, it would have annoyed me. But seeing as all I could focus on was not falling into the endless loop that would only lead to my old friend, a panic attack, I couldn't make myself care.

However, just because I couldn't care less in the specific moment, I knew the time where I would actually give a damn would come. I hated it when so many people took so many pictures at once, even though there were just a few photographers scattered around the stage. And I especially hated it when I wasn't ready, completely dolled up, and looking "perfect". No, this time around, my eye makeup was probably all over the place and my eyes would be all red and swollen.

But on a positive note, at least this way, Chanyeol would keep off my back. Because as long as it was good press, he loved it. And of course, Park Chanyeol announcing his wife's pregnancy at his event, that's supposed to be about his achievements, was certainly good. Me weeping in the background, though, was a bonus he would appreciate. No beating for me tonight for looking "too stoic" or "too uninterested". No, this time around, I cried out of happiness for our unborn child and pride for the love of my life. At least that's what he seemed to believe, and I was thankful for as much because I didn't think I could handle any more pain tonight. 

Well, not physical anyway. Because God knew I wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight and my mind would be filled with dark locks of the raven-haired girl I've seen earlier. And if I managed to fall asleep, I knew I would meet her in my dreams that would torment me the entire night until I woke up to the realization that dreams were the only place where I could see her. Because in real life, she hated me; she didn't know of me, and she couldn't care less what my life has become.