hell or flying | Chaelisa

Chapter 5

For you, it was nothing. A brief moment that passed sooner than it has begun. But for me, it was a moment where seconds turned to hours. A moment of absolute joy and happiness, only to realize I shouldn't be happy by seeing you. That I lost the right to be happy a long time ago.

Yet, I couldn't stop the flood of memories that your face brought, as I let my dam open for the first time in two years. And the water was strong. So much so, that it almost knocked me down to my feet, as I struggled to come up for air. But I didn't dare to close my eyes to compose myself, to bring myself back to reality when I was face to face with the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, even if it brought more pain than any harsh words or beatings that were brought up on me.

It hurt more than the pure torture that I couldn't get rid of for a year after I've left, because every time I closed my eyes, I saw you. I saw you sad and disappointed. I saw you hurt, crying tears that I could no longer wipe away. Hearing sobs, I could no longer swallow as I'd press my lips against your quivering ones. Because even when I reached forward, my hand fell right through you like you were just a projection. Yet you kept crying, hurting, and showing me just what I've done until I was begging for mercy and only then, was I allowed to wake up.

But that wasn't what would save me each time. How could it, when I woke up without you, with only the knowledge I wouldn't see you again? That I cause you pain I could never take away. One that would stay with you, instead of me.

And though I had the time to feel all the things I gave up on feeling a long time ago, the time to relive the most painful moment of my life thoroughly, I knew it couldn't be longer than ten seconds. Because as soon as I blinked my tears away, hoping the prying flashes of the cameras wouldn't catch them, I was already watching your back as you retreated away from the stage, a camera dangling down your side.

That's when I let my tears flow. When all I could feel was the same pain all over again, as I felt more alone than ever. And I had no one else to blame but myself. I did this; I left only to be left by you with nothing but an empty stare.

I was falling again, yet I was someone you didn't care about anymore. In my head, I wrote songs for you, hundreds of them. Cried oceans of tears, hoping at least one would reach you once you would dip your toes into the salty water. And I know you will never need me again, not the way I will forever need you.

So what am I now?

A pathetic woman, standing on a stage where I can't reach you, falling all over again. A woman that wakes up in a stranger's bed every night, only to realize you're not there. I was nothing without you. Nothing but a lifeless body moving around like a puppet moved around by silver strings.

I shed tears for you, just like you've done countless times for me. But just the way I wasn't there to wipe yours, you weren't there to wipe mine. Instead, I was pulled closer by a forceful hand on my waist and felt a kiss being pressed to my temple. But I wasn't present.

There was rough skin of someone's thumb wiping my tears away that only kept on flowing with every step you took.

I was hoping, praying, for a sign you cared. I saw you turn around, your eyes connecting with mine as you'd smile the way used to. I saw it in my mind as I've tried manifesting the moment I so desperately needed as if to just make sure it was in fact you, I saw. That it wasn't a ghost of you that haunted me every night for months after I've left, in whose embrace I ended up crying my eyes out, the shards left of my heart slipping away out of my eye sockets that were their only escape.

But you never did.

You didn't spare me a second glance.

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