Silver

Chapter 17 - now

The food here is surprisingly tasty. We eat with plastic knives and forks and I help cut up Joanna's food for her. Maria reminds me quietly, 'Remember to steer the conversation, so they're not given time to think.'

'Who watched the documentary on the woolly mammoth?' she asks the table of women. The State compiles programs for patients in State institutions. There's no drama and absolutely no news. It's mostly documentaries about animals, travel and cooking shows.

The women start to talk about the woolly mammoth documentary, but the conversation dries up pretty quickly.

'What do you think we should plant next week, in the garden? Tom said that it's almost time for tomatoes,' Maria says.

'I love cherry tomatoes,' Joanna says.

'You've got to watch out for the bugs,' Cecelia says.

'They like full sun,' Aisha says.

'Basil goes well with tomatoes,' Joanna says.

Having exhausted the tomato conversation, Maria says, 'Now, you try.'

'Who's read Catcher in the Rye?' I ask.

Maria shakes her head. I forgot. They're not allowed to read fiction.

'Ask them whether they saw the lemons coming out on the lemon tree in the garden,' she prompts me.

'Who's seen the lemons?' This creates a flurry of conversation. Lizzie was delighted just yesterday to see buds on the lemon tree.

Cecilia wets her pants, and Maria has to take her away to change her.

I'm left alone with the remaining three women, who are intermittedly eating and looking at me for the next conversational topic.

'What trees do they have in the garden?' I ask. Aisha tells me there are Japanese maples and silver birches mostly.

'Does it get cold up here?'

They tell me it's freezing in winter, that they're in fog for half the morning. But the heating is excellent in the building, they say.

A girl on the table opposite us catches my eye. She's staring right at me. She's about my age. It's putting me off my conversation making, because I feel as though I know her. In fact, I feel like I definitely know her. But I can't think of who she is and create a new topic of conversation at the same time.

The conversation has come to a standstill. Aisha says, 'My little boy used to get cold over night. I told my husband he was cold blooded.' The conversation has gone way off track, onto personal matters. I feel an immense pressure to rein it in. 'What's been your favourite craft activity?' I ask lamely.

But I've lost the ladies. Joanna also wants to talk about her son. 'Billy was a bed wetter until he was eleven. I don't think he could feel the sensation. We saw so many specialists. You wouldn't believe it. He even took medication for a while for it, to help him grow some hormones.'

'I blame my hormones,' Aisha starts saying. 'For all this.' She raises her hands in the air to indicate this place that she finds herself in. 'Ever since menopause my life went haywire. Everything was fine until then. And then like that,' she snaps her fingers, 'I lost everything. It was the menopause and retiring from work at the same time. I should have kept on working, it kept me busy, you know, no time to think. And then the kids left home, Imran went to live in France and before you know it, there's nothing to do but ...'

Maria returns with Cecilia in a new pair of pants. She looks at me. 'What happened with the conversation?'

'I don't know.'

'You need to do better Sylvie. Concentrate.'