folie

why did i pick the latter?

written on 12/3/20

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i hear the voices faintly now

their intrusion no longer present

it's a weird sensation,

the newfound emptiness,

and i believe it's safe to say i don't like it

the longer i go without their steady hands

guiding me through my day

forward into a different kind of peace

a sorrowful silence that i'm not sure why i enjoyed

i felt a painful joy

to know that while i had nothing else in my life

this heavy presence would embrace me in my entirety

taking away the numbness

and giving me what i felt like i lost

though i may never have found it to begin with

it felt like it was what i deserved

what i am worth

now, i don't feel it

but it's not a good thing

i didn't want suppression of the one thing i could actually feel

maybe it will come back soon

when i am reminded again what i am

and how i am supposed to cope

this is not what i want

even though i shouldn't long for the other side either

this was not my choice

i didn't ask for either

and i would love to have a say in what resides in my mind

but i am afraid i've never had that choice

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kinda weird i am not feelin anything rn but it's how it is maybe it'll come back hopefully maybe kinda maybeeee idk what i'm saying anymore goodnight