folie

i'm not even second best

written 11/1/20

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i know i'm not special

i know i'm not the only one

of course it hurts

but what did i expect?

it's my fault i can't see how clearly i am not important enough for you

to be the only one

i am just an option

a last resort

because why would i be anyone's first choice?

that's not how it's ever been

i understand someday

someone will see me

how i see them

and that will be the day the sky no longer looks so dull to me

the day where I don't have to pretend anymore

to be okay with the distance

and the cold moments alone

the screaming agony from the inside

will at last be put to rest

and someone will be there

to guide me home

because i'm so tired

of walking on my own

i wish i could tell you why i feel this way

but you're never there for me to say

i receive nothing in return

so i perceive i am nothing, because you don't return

i'm never anything

i can see that now

i want to be something

but i can never reach

my hands can never reach

and no one is ever on the other side

willing to pull me back

so i'll just let myself go

and let those who knew me pretend to mourn

though i was never more than a thought in their head

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i don't know why i'm letting this get to me but it really f*cking hurts and i hope it will go away soon. sorry i'm being stupid but thank you for reading, have a goodnight please.