Look at Me

The Promise

3:00 a.m.

Jack awoke in his bed with a start. His heart was pounding, he was sweating and breathing wildly to try and calm down—his throat hurt as though he'd been screaming, but he didn't remember yelling. He didn't remember anything.

His door opened slightly and a rather discombobulated Hiccup was peering inside. "You okay?" This wasn't an unusual interaction for them; Jack's night terrors would go away for weeks, and then there'd be times where they were a nightly occurrence. It was different from the nightmares, where Hiccup would only know Jack had had any if he told him.

Jack sighed, "I think so." No dreams were in his immediate memory. "Did I scream?" Hiccup nodded. "Sorry."

"It's fine. Don't worry about it." Their fight was still on both their minds, but neither wanted to speak of it at this hour. "I should get back to sleep."

"Me too."

"Night."

Jack only nodded in answer and Hiccup closed the door back. He knew where the terror had come from; he was feeling guilty. Before he came home and passed out in bed, Jack took a long stroll through an area of the city he was quite familiar with, one where he knew he could get what he needed at a reasonable cost.

He couldn't dare himself to touch acid again since his last trip, but he'd heard of another 'wonder drug' that might take away his sadness. Jack wasn't sure whether he just wanted to feel happy, or if he didn't want to feel anything. He supposed his 'starter dosage' would be a good way for him to test just what he wanted.

A year ago, Jack told his therapist that he'd wanted to try new drugs, that the itch for it wasn't totally gone. The therapist would always remind Jack of the trip, the one that left Jack with delusional parasitosis, the one that would send Jack back into a state of wanting to scratch his skin open. It took Jack years to finally forget the feeling of the non-existent maggots inside of him. The reminder was enough, and Jack assured him that it was only an idea—nothing more.

Sometimes it felt good just to think about using again.

It wasn't only an idea anymore. Jack wasn't entirely sure what he was getting himself into, but he told himself if he started with a small amount, he wouldn't have to worry about getting hooked on it.

His hands were cold. He couldn't get them to warm up all night. The only time they felt warm, he thought, was whenever Elsa was holding them. Whenever she held him, his entire being felt warm and loved. He'd mulled over the fact she talked to Hiccup behind his back, but was content with her only knowing the bare minimum of his struggles. As long as she didn't start looking at him differently, things could play out the way they had been since they'd gotten together.

He didn't want to burden her just like he burdened everyone else with his problems. He wished he weren't Hiccup's problem, or his mother's, or his sister's at times.

For a brief moment, Jack felt clear-headed enough to debate flushing the damn bag down the toilet and forgetting all of this. He still had his therapist's number, all he needed was to call... If only it hadn't been for such a short moment.

...

Elsa hummed to herself as she got ready for her day.

Somehow, everything was better than ever. She had easy classes to finish the year with, she had a summer job to look forward to, and now she had a boyfriend who treasured and adored her. Jack called himself lucky to have her... It was she who was the lucky one. Anna pounded on the bathroom door, "Elsa! Would you hurry up? I've got to pee!"