Fear Evan Hansen

5

Evan's POV:

Jared walked out in defeat, leaving his cereal on the couch. It perfectly balanced on the cushion. I'm still processing what happened.

I replayed the whole conversation in my head, realizing what I did. But did he really call me by..by Mark...? He knows I hate that name. He knows that I want to be called Evan.

Why would he call me that...? Does he want me to suffer? I felt hot tears pour down my cheeks.

Maybe I'll watch a movie or a documentary. That always cheers me up.

I ran upstairs, hopping onto my bed and pulling out my laptop. Oh shit, Jared left his phone here. I'll just give it to him later. I opened the laptop, going to Netflix and typing in me and Jared's favorite movie, Moana.

Not like I miss him or anything. Not like I kinda want to die right now. I watched the movie, tears flooding out of my eyes. I felt my whole body shaking, making it almost impossible to see the screen clearly.

He hates me. My breathing was getting quicker, making my chest throb in pain. No no no no no. Please no. I hate these. I felt like I was suffocating, shaking until I was practically hitting myself. My shaking hurt badly, my whole body practically vibrating violently.

I whined, wishing someone was here to help me. Jared was out of the picture. Alana...well I guess she's out of the picture also. Zoe? No way. Mom...I wonder if mom is on break yet.

I dialed her number probably ten times before I got it right. My hands were shaking too much to hit the right keys. I heard my off brand cell phone ring for a few moments, before hearing my mom's voice on the other line.

"Hi Evan!" I normally don't call her at work, but at this point, it's kinda urgent. "H-hey mom.." I tried to grab a grip on my words, failing and making a fool out of myself. "Are you ok? What's wrong?" She had concern in her soft voice, bringing me a sort of comfort that you could only get from a mother.

"I'm not sure if I'm ok... Me and Jared got into a fight and I just needed someone to talk to..." I said, pausing Moana. "Ok honey. Do you want to tell me what happened? I'm on lunch break for the next ten minutes so we can talk until then." So she took her break early. She would normally take her break at around 12pm, but I guess not today.

I'm not going to tell her. I don't want to remind her of Mark. "I-I uh- Umm" God dammit I never planned what I was gonna say. I didn't expect her to pick up... "Jared he-he hit me and he called m-me...he called me..well uhm...my first name.." I whispered the last part. Here I go, once again, sharing too much information.

I heard a small gasp on the other line. "Oh.." She finally said. More sympathetic then you would think. I didn't realize that there was more to that sentence until she finished with, "...my god...". That did seem to make more sense than just stopping after the first part.

"I'm so sorry..." I heard her voice crack slightly. I've heard this sentence over one hundred times over the last few months. Mainly saying sorry about things like Connor...about me loosing my best friend...

He wasn't my best friend. Jared was my best friend. "It's..." I just now realized how weak my voice was. Almost fragile. "It's ok.." I mumbled. "Ok.." She took a long, deep sigh. "If you ever need to talk...about anything, I'm always here.. Well, most of the time." I could practically hear her shrug through the phone after she said the last sentence.

Actually, grammatically, that wouldn't be a full sentence. But that doesn't matter right now. "Ok. Thanks mom. See you...when I see you." I hung up, not giving her time to respond.

Even though it was a short conversation, it still kinda slowed down my breathing and also made me shake less. I decided against watching Moana.

I have an idea. Jared wronged me, so why don't I just kill Alana without him. Perfect.

I grabbed a drink of water, making sure my voice was ok-ish before I called Alana. I dialed her number, waiting almost zero seconds for it to ring. Not that I changed my mind, she just picked up the phone quickly.

"Hi Evan! What's up!" She said in her happy tone, per usual. "Hey Alana! Do you wanna hang out later?" I made my voice seem friendly, as if I hadn't practiced this exact conversation multiple times.

"Yessss!! Where do you wanna meet? What time?" She seemed excited. "In that pretty forest behind the school. One pm sharp." I recited from memory. "Ok! See you there!" She hung up.

I chased down to the kitchen, grabbing my backpack and putting a kitchen knife in it. Perfect. I smiled to myself, overly anxious but also so so excited.

"I've always wanted to do this..." I whispered to myself. I checked the time. It's 12:32, meaning I have 28 minutes until I gotta meet her there...

Does this even work anymore? The knife seems pretty dull. I pressed it to my arm. "Ahhh fuckkkkk" I hissed, blood dripping down my wrist, coating it in the thick liquid.

That made me light headed... I leaned over the counter, putting my head over the sink. I'm not gonna puke. I am not going to puke. I'm fine. Just feeling not so good.

I gagged, trying not to look at my arm any more. I screwed my eyes shut, taking a deep breath in, and out. "I'm ok." I said to no one in particular. I opened my eyes again. Maybe if mom were here, I'd be saying it to her. Or maybe Jared. But Jared wouldn't care. He'd just laugh, maybe call me a fucking idiot.

That felt...amazing... Holy shit... The throbbing pain in my arm was almost..enjoyable? Do I have a pain kink?! No. No I don't think so. I'm not like, turned on by it. It was just relieving.

Maybe I'm going insane. I mean, I'm already murdering my only (kinda) friend, so I must be insane already. Is this why people cut themselves? Because it feels so good? Maybe I'll just... I sliced my arm again. And again. And again. And again. Until my arm was covered in blood.

This...oh shit... I made a huge mistake... "O-oh..oh god.." I whispered, looking at the knife. Then back at my wrist. Then back at the knife. Back and forth until I realized that I need to clean up.

I turned on the sink, the water stinging even worse than the cuts already hurt. Blood spilled out, making me dizzy. The corners of my eyes when dark, everything went blurry. "Oh shit-" I muttered, closing my eyes once again. This time trying to stay conscious.

I stumbled backwards, my blood probably spilling everywhere. I felt my body start to fall back, now it was inevitable, I'm going to die.

Ah yes, how I love leaving it on a cliffhanger.