Disequilibrium

Part 1: Freshman Year - Scene 1

Spring

I love my love with a C because he's captivating. I hate him with a C because he's corrosive. I feed him on capsicum and cardamom. His name is Casper with an E and he lives in corruption.

I love my love with a J because he's jovial. I hate him with a J because he's jammed. I feed him on jackfruit and jambalaya. His name is Jeong with an E and he lives in justice.

Casper is my personal saviour, the God-given prophet of Seabrook high. He's the wind beneath our feet, the sun in the face of adversary, and the voice of reason.

He's my love with a P because he's phenomenal, something I'll never become because currently, he's watching everyone laugh at me. Well, technically not everyone. Just one guy and his dipshit friends. It might as well be everyone though; laughter's contagious. Like the goddamn bubonic plague.

I love my love because everyone loves him. I hate my love because he doesn't love me. I feed him on distance and neglect. His name is Casper Jeong and he lives in—

Oh, is that not how it goes?

People are still laughing, but Casper's just staring. His face doesn't look amused. It just shows mild interest and curiosity, like a scientist inspecting a subject. Somebody slaps his shoulder and he smiles at them, yet still gives me an apologetic look.

Casper Jeong. Apologising to me. I must've died at some point today.

"A dollar fifty," the cafeteria lady says. "You need a dollar more, son."

"What?"

She lets out a frustrated sigh. "I told you three times already. I can't give you the water if you don't have exact change. Now are you going to give me a dollar or get out?"

Well fuck.

Too baffled to know what to say, I start playing my game again. I love my love with a D because he's determined. I hate him with a D because he's—

"Hey, Tiny Tim, mind getting the hell out of here? You're holding up a line!"

"How pathetic! You don't even have a dollar?"

"A charity case like him shouldn't even be in this school."

A grumble comes from the cashier. "Hey, enough of that! You don't want me to get the principal in here, do you?"

There's no helping it.

"Keep it," I tell the lady, shoving fifty cents in my pocket before running the hell out of there.

I know my love because he's lucky enough not to know me. Well, that's nothing special considering everyone knows Casper. You would be insane if you didn't. With his poetic speeches on lunch tables and intuitive outbursts in class, it gets hard not to know him.

Teachers gossip about him in the halls. I listen in from time to time. He's just a freshman, it'll die soon enough, they say, but I beg to differ. A person like Casper can't ever die. It shouldn't be physically possible.

By the time I reach my stairwell, I'm already coughing like a chain smoker. I travel up two flights of stairs slowly, heading to the big window at the top. Nobody ever passes through this stairwell, mostly because it's right beside the janitorial closets on both ends. Nobody has a goddamn janitorial class, so they don't pass through here.

I sit beside the grand window with my knees propped to my chest, watching juniors and seniors walk to eat lunch at fast food restaurants or convenience stores. Must be nice. The last paycheck I got went to the rent, and it isn't like I can ask Dad for more.