Disequilibrium

Part 3: Junior Year - Scene 9

Fall

The dreams are still going even though the fever is gone. They haven't left me since. I'm standing at a hiking trail where the trees are covered in yellow and red leaves, watching a body hanging from a tree. I know it's Aaron because the body has the same curly hair from the last time I saw him, his skin looking more grey than pale.

I want to leave. I mean, nobody—not even me—would want to watch a boy hanging from a tree. But no matter how hard I try, I can't get my feet to listen to me. I can't get my eyes to look away. He's just hanging there, head lolled to the side, and swinging, and swinging, and swinging like a pendulum.

His body is turning slowly towards me. I'm expecting something scary, but he still looks the same. His eyes are closed, mouth open ajar, and lips dry and cracking. On his neck, I can still see the outline of my fingers. Red and pulsating.

Suddenly, Aaron's eyes pop open, baby blues nearly jumping right out of their sockets. He starts saying ten things at once, speaking so fast I get dizzy with the words. They'll know. Everybody will know. It's your fault. They'll find out everything. Everyone will know.

You're fucked.

You're fucked.

You're fucked.

He smiles, and the shoelaces snap.

I wake up feeling like I'm drowning with Aaron's name on my lips. My hair is plastered to my forehead and my tee shirt clings to my chest like a bad ex, heart beating so fast I'm sure it can jump out of my throat at any second. There's someone holding me down even though I want to run the hell out of there, a hand on my chest while another rests on my forehead. I'm blinking a million times per second, probably sobbing or wailing. Shit, I don't know. There are too many things happening at once.

"Hey, hey, it's alright. It was just a bad dream. I'm here, okay? Look at me, Holden. I'm here. You're good."

That's Casper's voice. I blink a few more times and finally find him hovering over me, his eyebrows furrowed with worry. It takes a moment to realise I'm not actually crying, but just struggling for breath. It takes another to realise how close Casper's face is, but it doesn't calm me down. I can still hear his voice.

You're fucked.

I jump out of bed, pushing Casper away even though I don't mean it. He isn't fazed though. He follows my lead, keeping a safe distance as I run my fingers through my hair over, and over, and over again for no goddamn reason.

"Where am I?" I ask, even though I know damn well where I am.

"At my house," he answers slowly, keeping his hands out like I'm a wild dog. "We were watching a movie, remember? You fell asleep."

"And why the hell didn't you wake me up?"

"You looked tired." Casper takes a cautious step towards me. When I don't flinch, his arms wrap around me, breath hot against my neck. "I'm sorry. I tried waking you up when you started sweating but I couldn't. You were out cold. I'm sorry."

Jesus, he sounds like he went through hell. I can finally breathe easier when I feel him there holding me like that, and I can't help feeling like shit for putting him in such a state. "I scared you, didn't I?"

He doesn't answer the question. Instead, he shakes his head and gives a small laugh, still hanging on. "Are you good now?"

"Getting close to it."

He lets out a breath. "I'm real sorry, Holden."

"Don't apologise. I thought I was good with the dreams but..." I sigh and hold him closer. "Just don't apologise. It's my fault. It won't happen again."